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Original poster

Messaged other woman and her husband now what?

127 replies

Anastasia2 · 14/12/2023 14:50

Really sad situation and I guess I need some reassurance as I am desperate.

Husband of 10 years started new job which consisted him working away weeks on end. Firstly, he hated the job and kept wanting to quit. I regrettably talked him out of this. Then all of a sudden in mid September he stopped complaining and I could see a drastic change in him - absolutely loved the job. His behaviour when he came home was also different. I dint think much of it but then his company went on stand down mid October meaning he has come home till the end of January next year when he will go back.
As soon as he came back, noticed a huge difference. He was very distant and nasty with me. Very upsetting as the kids had missed him but still didn't seem like he wanted to be home with us. I took the plunge and got into his phone. Found out he had met a woman in early September in the local that him and workmates went out in. He seemed to really like her from the texts I saw, messages such as "miss you" and sending her pictures and videos.
Absolutely heartbroken
Got a few advice from friends who said not to confront him until I got evidence (I hadn't taken any screenshots as it was very hard to get on his phone) and to wait till after Christmas or otherwise it would be a really bad memory and with the children being young.

I did however look her up on Facebook and she is married with two young children. In a drunken state, I messaged both her and husband from a fake account and now I feel very helpless and vulnerable. Not sure if it was the right thing to do but wondering if people could help me make sense of their response:
Basically the OW when I messaged her acted very defensive saying it was her business and nothing to do with anyone else. She didnt even deny it or anything. So when I messaged the husband his was more reasonable - he asked for evidence, which I didnt have,
but then all of a sudden he became very aggressive and sent a selfie of both of them saying they were laughing at the situation. After that, they blocked this account.
Do you think this would have scared the OW off from texting Husband?

OP posts:
Iloveabaileys · 14/12/2023 16:18

I think your focus should be on whether you want to stay with him or leave . I wouldn't worry too much about the message you sent her tbh I would of said alot worse in the moment .
You need to talk to him , I know it's tough but it's not fair you carrying all this on your own . Good luck hun x

bananablues · 14/12/2023 16:19

You now know what you know. No good will come of confronting the OW or her husband-what do you hope to achieve with this?

Are you happy to have a cheating husband who is now treating you badly. If not focus on that. Get advice & focus on all the evidence you need to ditch him.

sorry you are going through this & understand the desire for confrontation but your time & energy would be best spent extracting yourself from the situation.

Greenpolkadot · 14/12/2023 16:23

Oh lovely..i feel for you. You must be so hurt,
If only you had waited until you could thing clearly.

CallmeSand · 14/12/2023 16:24

Did you mention your husband's name or were you just vague about it all?

Whyohwhywyoming · 14/12/2023 16:28

Sugarsun · 14/12/2023 15:58

I completely agree.

There is absolutely no need to play games and dragging things out like that is going to make OP feel worse.

OP needs to focus on herself.

Show quote history

Absolutely. OP has as much proof as she needs, in fact more than she needs because her husband being unpleasant to her is a good enough reason to end it regardless. OP even if this did “scare off” the other woman, there will be others. Give yourself a few weeks to get Christmas out the way, make plans and get your shit together, then move forward.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/12/2023 16:30

I think you need to think about what you require proof for.

You know he is a cheat. He's been nasty to you and the kids. If you confront him, whether he denies it or not, he is still a cheat, you both know that, and he will still have behaved horribly to you. He will still likely spin the story to anyone who asks that your marriage was over etc even if you have proof.

You don't need proof to end this marriage.

toomuchfaff · 14/12/2023 16:37

wait till after Christmas or otherwise it would be a really bad memory and with the children being young.

  • *Not sure i agree with this, do you really whole heartedly believe you can mask this and have a fabulous Christmas and New Year for the kids without them realising that mummy and daddy are not really being nice? I'd be splitting immediately, like now. Splitting up, done dusted, get out and take your shit to your whore type convo.
Eekmystro · 14/12/2023 16:39

Whyohwhywyoming · 14/12/2023 16:28

Absolutely. OP has as much proof as she needs, in fact more than she needs because her husband being unpleasant to her is a good enough reason to end it regardless. OP even if this did “scare off” the other woman, there will be others. Give yourself a few weeks to get Christmas out the way, make plans and get your shit together, then move forward.

Show quote history

This. I make sure you are focusing on the right things. You don’t need evidence for the other woman or her DH…they aren’t your concern. You have enough evidence for you and know enough to know you need to separate.

Iloveabaileys · 14/12/2023 16:39

I shouldn't but that whore comment made me laugh something I would say 😂

Simpleblessingsxx · 14/12/2023 16:42

Could it be possible OW husband got aggressive having been confronted because he already knew and doesn't care because they have an open marriage,just a thought. Sorry you're going through this. If your not confronting DH until after Christmas I admire your strength. I couldn't.

Frasers · 14/12/2023 16:48

What are you doing? Why would you need evidence, you’ve seen the evidence, that’s all that’s required, you will not be asked to produce it in a court. He can deny all he wants. You saw it. That’s it it is done.

amd why are you asking if that is enough to scare her off texting him. It’s more than texting, he’s having an affair. Of course you haven’t scared her off, there is nothing more you can do, you’ve shot your shot, you told her husband and they don’t give a shit.

you need to speak to your husband, not Hide and hope you can keep him faithful by scaring off other women.

horseyhorsey17 · 14/12/2023 16:49

What do you want, OP? Do you want to work things out with your husband? Make the marriage work?

I'm not sure you can, tbh, as it sounds like he's mentally left already. I think you need to make plans for life as a single mum, and as MN always says, get your ducks in a row. If you were me, I'd kick his cheating arse out, and throw his stuff out after him.

Frasers · 14/12/2023 16:49

CatamaranViper · 14/12/2023 16:15

This is second hand information, but when you file for divorce don't you give a reason (ie infidelity) and can't you name the other woman/man? I would assume if OP did this and he denied it, wouldn't that prolong the divorce process?

You have no fault divorce processes now. He can just divorce her.

horseyhorsey17 · 14/12/2023 16:51

Frasers · 14/12/2023 16:49

You have no fault divorce processes now. He can just divorce her.

Show quote history

This wouldn't be one of those, though, as there IS a fault, and he is it.

Frasers · 14/12/2023 16:51

Got a few advice from friends who said not to confront him until I got evidence (I hadn't taken any screenshots as it was very hard to get on his phone

whatever do they think you need evidence for? That’s such odd advice.

StoodySmithereens · 14/12/2023 16:57

The husband’s just putting on a brave face as he feels like a twat.

It was an odd reply from the whore, almost like she knew it was you & she wanted you to know.

It’s done now, we’ve all done stuff after having a drink. If he mentions it (I don’t suppose he’d dare) deny it. Time to dump this shit.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 16:57

Do you think this would have scared the OW off from texting Husband?

No, she's clearly not scared, and her husband is in denial also so he'll lap up everything she says even if you managed to screenshot 'proof'. She'll say you photoshopped it or something.

Even if it did scare her off it's your husband you need to worry about, scaring the OW off won't make him faithful and it won't make him treat you right.

Frasers · 14/12/2023 17:03

Why did you say nothing but text her, were you hoping to try to get her to refuse your husband so it would stop and you could stay married?

im afraid that doesn’t work op. But it’s ok to want to turn a blind eye, to be scared. To do nothing write now.

personally I couldn’t wait and say nothing, but I’m not sure you ever want to say something, you’re just hoping she will say no in future, and that will be that?

Frasers · 14/12/2023 17:06

The whore thing didn’t make me laugh, it’s not funny, he’s cheating on his wife, and she’s the one being called a whore. Call them both it, sure, but going after the woman only and abusing her, that’s not ok.

Frasers · 14/12/2023 17:07

StoodySmithereens · 14/12/2023 16:57

The husband’s just putting on a brave face as he feels like a twat.

It was an odd reply from the whore, almost like she knew it was you & she wanted you to know.

It’s done now, we’ve all done stuff after having a drink. If he mentions it (I don’t suppose he’d dare) deny it. Time to dump this shit.

Such mysogynistic shite. Not calling him a whore are you?

SisterMichaelsHabit · 14/12/2023 17:13

I don't think you've scared her off. I think because you messaged both of them her DH thinks it's someone doing a prank. When he asked her about the message she showed him what you'd sent her and she's told him it's a prank or someone making shit up.

I don't know what you said but I don't think she's going to listen. Also she's likely told your DH that someone knows.

You didn't bank on the fact that people talk and you've revealed your hand too soon.

You need to focus on your own situation and how you can get rid of the cheating bastard and get the financial support you'll need from him (and ideally, arrange reasonable split time with the kids so it's not as relentless as being 100% responsible for the LOs by yourself).

BeggyMitchell · 14/12/2023 17:13

Frasers · 14/12/2023 17:06

The whore thing didn’t make me laugh, it’s not funny, he’s cheating on his wife, and she’s the one being called a whore. Call them both it, sure, but going after the woman only and abusing her, that’s not ok.

Me neither. Of course he's the 'whore'.

But I've had to accept after years on MN that internalised misogyny is rife.

MostlyThere · 14/12/2023 17:17

@Anastasia2 Could you elaborate on what you saw when you say "He seemed to really like her from the texts I saw, messages such as "miss you" and sending her pictures and videos."

I tell my friends of any gender that I miss them all the time, so what was it you saw that clued you in exactly?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/12/2023 17:17

Op to get his phone have yours out of battery and just say help I need your calculator can you give it a sec? If he won't give it then you can demand there and then to see but he probably will give it in the moment. Especially if you're out for lunch with family or something - then walk off to the loo and send the screen shots to yourself . Then delete from his WhatsApp history.

However, you don't 'need' proof to confront or leave him don't?

Satsscores · 14/12/2023 17:18

What did you say in the message to the OW? Did you say who you were?