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Original poster

Messaged other woman and her husband now what?

127 replies

Anastasia2 · 14/12/2023 14:50

Really sad situation and I guess I need some reassurance as I am desperate.

Husband of 10 years started new job which consisted him working away weeks on end. Firstly, he hated the job and kept wanting to quit. I regrettably talked him out of this. Then all of a sudden in mid September he stopped complaining and I could see a drastic change in him - absolutely loved the job. His behaviour when he came home was also different. I dint think much of it but then his company went on stand down mid October meaning he has come home till the end of January next year when he will go back.
As soon as he came back, noticed a huge difference. He was very distant and nasty with me. Very upsetting as the kids had missed him but still didn't seem like he wanted to be home with us. I took the plunge and got into his phone. Found out he had met a woman in early September in the local that him and workmates went out in. He seemed to really like her from the texts I saw, messages such as "miss you" and sending her pictures and videos.
Absolutely heartbroken
Got a few advice from friends who said not to confront him until I got evidence (I hadn't taken any screenshots as it was very hard to get on his phone) and to wait till after Christmas or otherwise it would be a really bad memory and with the children being young.

I did however look her up on Facebook and she is married with two young children. In a drunken state, I messaged both her and husband from a fake account and now I feel very helpless and vulnerable. Not sure if it was the right thing to do but wondering if people could help me make sense of their response:
Basically the OW when I messaged her acted very defensive saying it was her business and nothing to do with anyone else. She didnt even deny it or anything. So when I messaged the husband his was more reasonable - he asked for evidence, which I didnt have,
but then all of a sudden he became very aggressive and sent a selfie of both of them saying they were laughing at the situation. After that, they blocked this account.
Do you think this would have scared the OW off from texting Husband?

OP posts:
Iloveabaileys · 14/12/2023 17:21

I can laugh at a comment someone made and you don't have to it's a free world . Noone said the situation was funny you've taken that a bit far and going by your replies wow My first reply was actually supportive to the poster and it's her decision what she wants to do . We are all trying to help her isn't that the point . Yes the husband's at fault but the ow actually was laughing at her so yea I would call her a whore tbh .

tresales · 14/12/2023 17:21

Idk why people are jumping on the word whore because it wasn't used on the man too, her husband was also called a filthy cheating pig and it doesn't make it misandry or unfair because they didn't also call the cheating woman a filthy cheating pig. Like the word or not people will call a spade a spade2
offensive : a promiscuous or immoral woman2
: to pursue a faithless, unworthy, or idolatrous desire

Frasers · 14/12/2023 17:22

MostlyThere · 14/12/2023 17:17

@Anastasia2 Could you elaborate on what you saw when you say "He seemed to really like her from the texts I saw, messages such as "miss you" and sending her pictures and videos."

I tell my friends of any gender that I miss them all the time, so what was it you saw that clued you in exactly?

Good question? What is it op that made you know this was an affair and not just two colleagues or friends who won’t see each other for weeks?

Mumof2girls2121 · 14/12/2023 17:24

Don’t worry about their marriage, worry about your own!
it doesn’t matter if her life changes to you really. It’s your husband to be angry with.

Iloveabaileys · 14/12/2023 17:27

Agree with the above . Just focus on what you want to do going forward . His attitude towards you since he's been home is a massive red flag . Especially when he's telling her he misses her but you haven't said he's ever messaged you while being away . I'm sorry but any woman would feel insecure.

babyproblems · 14/12/2023 17:27

Your husband has behaved diabolically and I would outright ask him why his behaviour is as it is and if he wants to continue the marriage. I’m not sure what good proof will do at this point- are you expecting him to deny it; and even if he does it seems you know he is lying.

I would forget that you messaged the OW and her husband for now and focus on your communication with your husband and what the future looks like for you and your marriage or not etc.

I might ask a friend who husband didn’t know etc to go to pub when he is there and see what they see. Do you know he has cheated and that something physical has happened- you need to decide what your red lines are for your marriage to end and then work out where you are. Forget the OW for now.

So sorry you are living this; you deserve better and your DH is a shit. Would you be happier without him? You don’t need proof really if you feel that he has crossed a line and that’s the end for you, it’s your choice to make. Best of luck xoxox

housethatbuiltme · 14/12/2023 17:33

Anastasia2 · 14/12/2023 15:02

No unfortunately, since he came back he had changed his phone code which was also an obvious alarm bell. It took me a few weeks to figure out his new code and I only managed to check it during the night I didnt have enough time to take screenshots to send to myself without him discovering. I regret not doing it as its becoming more and more difficult to get hold of phone.
I just need to confront him with it but now I think I may have blown it by contacting ow and husband in case she has been scared off.

You spent weeks sneaking around trying to work out the passcode to snoop his phone?

On what planet is this not an invasion of privacy and completely unacceptable. If you aren't happy break then up, that is your option but non of your actions are acceptable or sane.

wronginalltherightways · 14/12/2023 17:38

You don't need 'proof'. You already know.

Just focus on getting him out if that's what you want and get legal advice for how to go about it. Secure your legal documents, get copies of all bank statements, etc, proof of his income, etc, and make sure you have some money in an individual bank account.

Lilithlogic · 14/12/2023 17:40

housethatbuiltme · 14/12/2023 17:33

You spent weeks sneaking around trying to work out the passcode to snoop his phone?

On what planet is this not an invasion of privacy and completely unacceptable. If you aren't happy break then up, that is your option but non of your actions are acceptable or sane.

Show quote history

So never ever ever would it be right to check a phone for evidence of any kind?

DidIMakeaMistake · 14/12/2023 17:42

You don’t need to take screenshots and send to yourself have your phone on hand and take photos of his screens

ElevenSeven · 14/12/2023 17:46

What are you worrying so much about her for? Leave your cheating partner.

If they’re having an affair, surely she’ll have told him about the message anyway?

itisgettinghardto · 14/12/2023 17:50

Not sure what your normal Christmas is like but this one won't be easy if you have to keep up the pretence of still respecting your DH. I mean, are you still intimate with him?! If you keep busy and make it all about the kids then you might get through it but it will be a strain.

As many have said, it's time to quit unless you think there's something to salvage from this awful situation. Even if he's finished with the OW do you still want to be with him? He's treated you dreadfully. As the saying goes, get your ducks in a row and make plans now.

Lovemusic82 · 14/12/2023 17:54

Stop messing around and just kick him out. You know he’s cheated, you have seen the evidence, you don’t need proof to show anyone else? Telling the other woman’s husband isn’t going to change what he has been doing. Just kick him out, Christmas is going to be awful if he’s still there anyway.

SequentialAnalyst · 14/12/2023 17:56

CatamaranViper · 14/12/2023 16:15

This is second hand information, but when you file for divorce don't you give a reason (ie infidelity) and can't you name the other woman/man? I would assume if OP did this and he denied it, wouldn't that prolong the divorce process?

When I divorced in 2011-12 I had to cite unreasonable behaviour (I had plenty of examples to choose from). No cheating by Ex, just a lazy cocklodger. Had he cheated, I could have cited adultery instead.

But the divorce law in England has changed since then. You can do it singly, or jointly if no abuse, stating that the marriage has permanently broken down. See here: https://www.gov.uk/divorce

MillyHilly99 · 14/12/2023 17:59

Don't bother playing games. Just file for a divorce. Save yourself the stress. You deserve better. He's a loser.

SequentialAnalyst · 14/12/2023 18:08

MyOldMansADustman0 · 14/12/2023 15:41

You've obviously never been gaslighted before!

But yes, I do agree with the latter part of your comment, you either stay and put up with this BS or you leave!

Show quote history

@Beezknees
I'll never understand this whole "needing evidence" thing.

You don't need evidence. You've seen it, you know your husband has cheated. That's that. All you need to do is decide if you want to stay or not.

@MyOldMansADustman0
You've obviously never been gaslighted before!

Exactly. The evidence will have been deleted, then the H can claim it was never there and OP must be mistaken, which is gaslighting. The idea is to make OP doubt her own memory, and if gaslighting continues, the victim can come to doubt her own sanity.

Damn! meant to clear the quote, as wanted to include the post quoted IYSWIM so carefully assembled my own postConfused

Britpop123 · 14/12/2023 18:14

Beezknees · 14/12/2023 15:35

I'll never understand this whole "needing evidence" thing.

You don't need evidence. You've seen it, you know your husband has cheated. That's that. All you need to do is decide if you want to stay or not.

Because the guilty party will lie, obfuscate, twist the facts, gaslight you into doubting your self, accuse you of having mental issues, and convince everyone around you they are the innocent party

my ex wife did that. I understand the need for proof

Christmassss · 14/12/2023 18:19

You have proof and this isn’t about the OW, she hasn’t cheated on you, your H has.

ButterBastardBeans · 14/12/2023 18:22

It's you that's married to him and you know he's a cheat. All the rest is neither here nor there.

Lawyer up in January and bin him off. That's what you do. If the OW gets to keep her marriage, so what?

GodDammitCecil · 14/12/2023 18:27

By confronting her, you HAVE confronted him.

He now knows you know.

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 18:29

I'm really sorry for everything you're going through, OP.

The OW and her husband aren't your problem, though. Leave them to it; whatever they do has no bearing on your marriage.

Your problem is a cheating husband. It doesn't matter if you've scared off this OW, if he's happy to cheat then there'll always be someone and the only gatekeeper of his fidelity is him. Most of us could find someone to cheat with if we wanted to; if all else fails, there are sex workers, so never mind what any other women want to do and focus on the man who actually committed to you and what you want to do about it. You can try to work through it if he's remorseful and willing to do that, or you can decide that there's no coming back. Don't sign up for a life of bad treatment, though.

Iloveabaileys · 14/12/2023 18:31

The best way to deal with things like this is to have it out no matter how uncomfortable it is . Doesn't matter how you found the messages , what you said to the other woman , you were looking for good reason .
We are only human and when it's you , you don't know how you would react so it's easy to judge someone when it's not you and we all react and do things differently. Most important thing is you now , not him, or her , friends opinions.

Good luck whatever you decide .

moomoomoo27 · 14/12/2023 18:44

Lilithlogic · 14/12/2023 17:40

So never ever ever would it be right to check a phone for evidence of any kind?

Show quote history

If the person willingly handed it over and was aware you were doing it, that's fine. Or if it was a legal matter because an actual crime was involved of course.

If you feel the need to secretly check someone's phone, the relationship is not good, whether it's because you're overly paranoid and there are trust issues, or because they're doing something they shouldn't. Or both.

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 18:46

Lilithlogic · 14/12/2023 17:40

So never ever ever would it be right to check a phone for evidence of any kind?

Show quote history

Well it's never ever a sign of a healthy relationship, one way or another.

Statementdress · 14/12/2023 19:00

But you sent this message anonymously ?

I take it the OW and her husband don’t know it’s from you? Is there anything that suggests it’s you?

I’d say that what is likely to happen is that OW will warn your husband that someone has found out about their affair and may have already contacted you.

Be prepared for your ‘D’H to ask you if you’ve received any weird messages. If you don’t want him to know you know yet, you’ll need to be ready for this. He’ll be looking for signs that you know.