Messaged other woman and her husband now what?

[Anastasia2]

Really sad situation and I guess I need some reassurance as I am desperate.

Husband of 10 years started new job which consisted him working away weeks on end. Firstly, he hated the job and kept wanting to quit. I regrettably talked him out of this. Then all of a sudden in mid September he stopped complaining and I could see a drastic change in him - absolutely loved the job. His behaviour when he came home was also different. I dint think much of it but then his company went on stand down mid October meaning he has come home till the end of January next year when he will go back.
As soon as he came back, noticed a huge difference. He was very distant and nasty with me. Very upsetting as the kids had missed him but still didn't seem like he wanted to be home with us. I took the plunge and got into his phone. Found out he had met a woman in early September in the local that him and workmates went out in. He seemed to really like her from the texts I saw, messages such as "miss you" and sending her pictures and videos.
Absolutely heartbroken
Got a few advice from friends who said not to confront him until I got evidence (I hadn't taken any screenshots as it was very hard to get on his phone) and to wait till after Christmas or otherwise it would be a really bad memory and with the children being young.

I did however look her up on Facebook and she is married with two young children. In a drunken state, I messaged both her and husband from a fake account and now I feel very helpless and vulnerable. Not sure if it was the right thing to do but wondering if people could help me make sense of their response:
Basically the OW when I messaged her acted very defensive saying it was her business and nothing to do with anyone else. She didnt even deny it or anything. So when I messaged the husband his was more reasonable - he asked for evidence, which I didnt have,
but then all of a sudden he became very aggressive and sent a selfie of both of them saying they were laughing at the situation. After that, they blocked this account.
Do you think this would have scared the OW off from texting Husband?

You've obviously never been gaslighted before!

But yes, I do agree with the latter part of your comment, you either stay and put up with this BS or you leave!

This is a great answer.

You don't need 'proof'. You are aware your DH has been having an affair - and that he is now distant with you and the DC. He doesn't want to be at home; life was much more exciting staying away with work, nights out and new shag.

He is probably also aware that you know - I imagine the OW has phoned or texted him. She had nothing to lose by doing so, once it was clear you knew about it.

It's the elephant in the room if you say nothing. And your relationship will never be the same again. He's wrecked it with his shoddy little betrayal.

He's nasty to you and you are aware of him being unfaithful. That's enough reason to have the conversation about the future, you don't need proof etc. He makes you unhappy, I would consider separating as once a cheat always a cheat and you will always be on the alert for indications of other women. Not a way to live.

OP you don't need proof to go to your husband about it. You've seen his phone. If he says you're lying/mad etc even more reason to get rid. The message from the OW sounds like an admission anyway saying it's her business rather than 'no I don't cheat' or whatever. Understandable that you contacted them when drunk but no point hassling them again, she's obviously pulled the wool over his eyes.
Don't worry about Christmas etc your kids can still have a nice time. You don't have to play nicey nice with a cheating husband.

If OP has seen evidence, gaslighting won't work. Or shouldn't anyway!

I'm confused. Why would it scare her off? You can't control what she does, her husband does or what your husband does.

You need to decide what you want - you know that he is a filthy cheating pig. You will never trust him again. Take time to work out what you want.

You messaged her from your own phone so you do have proof.

Sorry I wasn't clear. I mean if her husband mentions anything. Then that will be proof as why would the OW contact him if nothing going on

I don't know why you need any "proof". The only person that needs proof is you and you have seen it.

Now you need to decide what you want to do given that you know your husband is untrustworthy. You do not need to justify your decisions to anyone but yourself. He knows what he did.

You could really play some games with him here, really mess with his head. Does this woman live locally? I'd say you keep seeing this woman (describe her), on the street outside, staring at your house. Say that you keep getting phone calls that hang up. Make him think she's a bunny boiler. In reality I'd probably just confront him, as I cant hold my water. At the very least I'd get back into his phone and take a load of screen shots to send to yourself and her husband.

He maybe past the point of caring if the op knows. He is after all willing and able to be nasty to her already.

It’s likely that your husband now knows that you are aware of his relationship with her. You need to see a solicitor asap to ascertain where you stand with money etc. Go into “practical mode” if you can - it’s hard, but necessary.

If you don’t kick him out this problem is likely to recur. He will almost certainly cheat again. But “forgiving” buys you time to get things in order, put money aside etc. Its whether your self-esteem can stomach being with him for a few more months…

This doesn't make sense though. Why waste time playing games? Life is too short. The OP needs to put her time and energy into decisions about her future and engaging a divorce lawyer.

True

I don't understand all this 'tactics' stuff

Asking for a divorce isn't something he can refuse due to lack of evidence. You're not prosecuting him!

You know he's cheated on you. Wait till after xmas and then tell him you know he's cheated and tell him the marriage is over. You can use the next couple of weeks to organise your financial affairs.

What a horrible situation op. I'm sorry, you must be so shaken. No advice but handhold and sorry you're going through this xx

Why would you keep quiet about it.

OP has seen with her own eyes that her DH is a cheat.

If it was me I would be confronting him as soon as he gets home and telling him to be gone by the weekend.

The only proof she needs, is what she’s already seen.
She doesn’t need any other proof because as PPs have said it’s not her that should be the one proving anything.

Why have you confronted the ow and not your husband?

I completely agree.

There is absolutely no need to play games and dragging things out like that is going to make OP feel worse.

OP needs to focus on herself.

Agree with PPs, evidence doesn’t affect anything (you know the truth and divorce/divorce settlements are in no way affected by whether either partner cheated or didn’t cheat).

You need to decide whether or not to stay with your unfaithful husband. He probably will do it again but your financial and home situation may be worse without him. It’s time to make some difficult choices.

It is not a court of law you don't need proof. You know what he did and so does he. He can deny if he likes, tell the world you are mistaken/lying/crazy but most people will assume that is not true.

Just who is this ‘proof’ for?! There isn’t anyone to ‘tell on him’ to. You are able to make whatever decision you want based on what you have seen and how he has treated you all. Or on nothing at all! You can also change your mind if that works for you. Your feelings are worth putting first- no permissions needed. It sounds like you’d benefit from talking through your feelings with someone who is not emotionally involved in the situation to influence you. It’s a horrible place to be and there’s no short cut to feeling better.

I agree with pp saying hold your water - use the calm before the storm to get your ducts in a row and then move when you are ready if he doesn't say anything

This is second hand information, but when you file for divorce don't you give a reason (ie infidelity) and can't you name the other woman/man? I would assume if OP did this and he denied it, wouldn't that prolong the divorce process?