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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off using childminders because of the ones at toddler group?

252 replies

Strawberrypeachlime · 13/12/2023 20:01

They actually seem like lovely women but they don’t watch the kids at all because they are chatting amongst themselves. Am I being unfair / unreasonable? I get it must be a really tough job but I would just want a bit more.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 13/12/2023 22:40

It's always the bad child minder or the bad parent who sticks out like a sore thumb. The better parents and minders have fewer alarming things happening. Their kid's needs are being attended to before catastrophic crying.

Isthisexpected · 13/12/2023 22:41

RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 13/12/2023 22:17

There’s also a childminder in my local area who has a playground towel with her & wipes all the slides etc in the winter for all the kids. Also seen her at rhyme time. Maybe soft play not the best place for good examples

I was thinking soft play can attract a certain type of caregiver...there aren't many parents who get stuck in where I live. Most people who go to soft play seem to see it as a place to let your kids run around whilst you eat/drink/chat and not actively play. So I think a CM who goes to a park or woodland centre etc may be more engaged?

Timetocheersme · 13/12/2023 22:42

I was a childminder for six years and I treated the children as I would my own child. I was attentive and caring. Must other childminders in the area were the same. I wasn't in a cm group and after a while I focussed on before and after school care. There are some excellent cm's out there who offer an excellent, nurturing and engaging environment for children. In Scotland you can check their inspections on Inspectorate website. Ofsted in England and Wales I think. Cm's are inspected in the same way as nurseries, and to the same standards. I've also worked in a nursery for three years. I know which one I'd prefer for a pre-schooler.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 13/12/2023 22:42

I think it’s just a case of finding a good one. I’ve met a few who I initially assumed were parents as they were so watchful and engaged. And then I’ve seen others with their backs turned to multiple toddlers at the playground, which makes me extremely anxious having seen children run off through gates not properly shut. A friend of mine is a cm and she’s brilliant with her charges but she doesn’t watch them in the same way a parent would, I.e. taking pictures of one to send to the parents while another climbs on unsafe equipment. I witnessed that when I last met her at the park and it definitely gave me pause on what kind of care to use.

Lenor · 13/12/2023 22:42

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 13/12/2023 22:09

I just worry about what goes on at a childminders. What about when they need the toilet, do they leave the kids alone together? I had a 'friend' whose 3 year old used to attack my baby at every given opportunity (with mum not doing anything about it- hence why we are no longer friends).

She used a childminder for her little one (who was a bully with younger children/babies), it's what actually put me off using a CM, in case my little one was left alone even for a moment with a kid like that. At least at nursery, kids that don't get along/are bullies, can be kept apart by staff somewhat.

Having worked in nurseries and being a childminder myself, this sort of thing is far more of a concern in a nursery environment than a childminding setting.

If I had a child who was known to be physical with other children then of course they wouldn’t be left alone with other children. The offending child would accompany me to the toilet. If the baby couldn’t be left alone, they would accompany me or be left within earshot suitably restrained in the highchair with toys. We have much more flexible and lower ratios, are able to get to know children and their behaviours much better and therefore facilitate their needs much more comprehensively.

Do you think that it’s likely that 3 year old you mention would be better watched in a room of 16 children with 2 adults (the current EYFS ratio for 3 year olds) when one pops the toilet? I certainly don’t. My ratio is generally 3 children to 1 adult.

Hattie89 · 13/12/2023 22:43

We wouldn’t use one.

I people watched a little when I took my very young baby to classes - before they were a handful on the move! Of course it’s not all of them but I’ve seen a few with a small group of children on their phone rather than watching the toddlers as much as they should. I find the 1:1 nannies far more attentive generally speaking. I’ve also heard unprofessional comments. One was joking how one child in their care wasn’t allowed junk and ate a lot of organic food, ridiculing the mother.

SMaCM · 13/12/2023 22:44

I’m a CM. Most of my work comes from
parents who have seen me at the local toddler group. I have met people who call themselves childminders, but they’re not actually registered childminders. It’s the same as any job, some people are good at it and some are not. If you’re looking for a minder, see if you can introduce yourself to one at a park, or school, the library, a toddler group, or somewhere you’ve seen them in action. If you can’t do that ask for references.

TheaBrandt · 13/12/2023 22:46

Yanbu. I was a sahm when mine were babies and toddlers and frequently saw this. Sorry will get slated but no way I would have used a nursery either. Frankly the only properly good childcare imo is an intelligent and committed nanny but appreciate that costs.

I used to hang out with my friends nanny who was incredible. She actually reported another nanny to the parents as she was so concerned about how bad the other nanny was and the employer parents didn’t want to know!

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/12/2023 22:48

DingleDongle80 · 13/12/2023 22:32

I know what you mean. When I was looking for childcare, I would watch the group of childminders so I'd know who NOT to use.

Luckily, I found a lovely one.

I later became a childminder myself and behaved on the basis that I knew exactly how it felt to leave your child in childcare and so I always cared for those children as if they were my own. In fact, I took even more care of them. On the surface, I probably didn't look like a childminder as I made sure I kept a small setting.

I steered well clear of those childminders breaking the rule of "in sight and/or hearing at ALL times" and kept myself to myself.

I couldn't believe how many of them would let very young toddlers go off on the soft play out of sight by themselves. I watched mine like a bloody hawk! I could never forgive myself if I lost a child.

My advice is to look out for the good ones.

Nurseries are awful. We lasted 3 days with one (spotted some appalling stuff on CCTV) and that was after looking around about 10 of them. What I saw there made me cry. I have two friends who worked in nurseries when they were younger and both said they would never, ever put their own child in a nursery.

Your advice applies to nurseries too, some are indeed awful but some are fantastic.

sherahprincessofpower · 13/12/2023 22:48

velvetstars · 13/12/2023 22:39

Agree entirely. I've always thought they would be a better option than nursery as it's more personal, but the ones at the local toddler group - who were all very nice if you talked to them 1-2-1 put me off CMs entirely. Lots of chatting amongst themselves and eye rolls when the children needed them for something.

I remember so clearly seeing a very upset toddler who just didn't want to be there that day. The CM admitted the girl had a bad nights sleep and was getting over being unwell so would have liked to have stayed at the house that day, before saying to the other CMs "but I couldn't cope not seeing you all this week". So instead this little girl was upset and largely being ignored in a loud hall full of children.

Agree with you, and this is clearly not ok: "I couldn't cope without seeing you all this week."

I work with abused children in one job and cancer patients in my other job.

My ability to cope falls to me and is part of my ethical code. I look after myself as I need to but NEVER on the dollar of my clients, that just isn't ok.

No, I have not been a CM but I DID take five years out of work to raise my own kids. Yes, it was fucking hard, but seriously?

Waitingfordoggo · 13/12/2023 22:48

Isthisexpected · 13/12/2023 22:41

I was thinking soft play can attract a certain type of caregiver...there aren't many parents who get stuck in where I live. Most people who go to soft play seem to see it as a place to let your kids run around whilst you eat/drink/chat and not actively play. So I think a CM who goes to a park or woodland centre etc may be more engaged?

Show quote history

@Isthisexpected, I agree. I did take my children to soft play but not often and mostly just if the weather was horrendous, and to birthday parties when they were at Primary. I guess the people who go often maybe just enjoy spending money sitting in a very noisy, hectic aircraft hanger. 😫

Flittingaboutagain · 13/12/2023 22:49

I have two friends who worked in nurseries when they were younger and both said they would never, ever put their own child in a nursery.

^ I have friends who work in nurseries who recommend sending children, and send their own. So I wonder if your two friends only worked in bad ones?

barbieofswanlake · 13/12/2023 22:50

@Strawberrypeachlime you haven't actually given any consideration at all in your responses to the positive points about childminders and people's good experiences so why did you post and ask? Why not just go onto a forum where you can have a good old rant, which is all you want to do?

ssd · 13/12/2023 22:51

I see 2 local women walking up and down to school and nursery at least twice a day with 2 babies in double buggies and 2 toddlers on reins on each side if the buggies. I always feel sorry for the toddlers walking along as fast as they can usually in the rain or wind. Its about a 20 minute walk here to the school, thats a long walk for a 3 year old who doesn't want to be out in the rain trudging along, twice a day or more. The childminders dont go slowly and these wee ones are forced to walk as fast as they can. I feel really bad for them when its pouring wet and they are trekking up to school to collect and drop off the schoolkids the childminder has too.

quietlycontent · 13/12/2023 22:53

Just another POV I met my childminder and realised she had been at my playgroup but I had thought she was a mum. So they aren't all the same.

We are still friends now and my DS is 14!!

Dawndayda · 13/12/2023 22:56

I definitely wouldn't want my children to go to a childminder like the ones you describe. We must be lucky where we are because I haven't seen that and there is one particular childminder I see a lot who brings her kids to a few of the groups I take DD to and she is great with them, very warm and caring. I would happily leave DD in her care.

Luna02 · 13/12/2023 23:01

I am a childminder and think that the reason why so many childminders and parents spend time chatting at playgroup is because it’s their time to socialise with other adults. Quite often they are talking about the kids anyways, about ideas for activities etc. The rest of the day and week they are at home with the kids and interacting with them. They should of course still be keeping an eye on them too. I usually make sure I pay each kid some attention, make a craft with them etc and then try to talk to a few different adults as well while keeping an eye on all the kids.

Simpleblessingsxx · 13/12/2023 23:03

I can't believe what I'm reading here. Thankfully, at least in the area of the UK I live, Childminders are professional people who attend training sessions. They are held in the same respect as Teachers & they are under jurisdiction regarding care.

AndThatWasNY · 13/12/2023 23:08

Tbh nurseries are just as bad in my experience of working in one. Just it's a lot more of the time. Childminders will also have a lot more time at home doing more hands on stuff. I chose my childminder on how wonderful they were at playgroup when I was a Sahm!

ReceptionTA · 13/12/2023 23:09

I used to be a childminder, and I wouldn't have left my DC with lots of the childminders at toddler group. There were some very good ones, though, who I'd be happy to care for my child. Some childminders are truly brilliant!
It's really not a difficult job - so that's no excuse. Personally I found dealing with parents the most difficult part.

LovesFood1987 · 13/12/2023 23:09

I should add we did use a cm for a few weeks whilst I was ill over summer holidays for our 4yo. She charged a lot to cover all the days out they supposedly did (eg to the zoo) so we accepted her high rates... After we'd signed the contract she kept messaging asking if we had annual membership for our son (to the zoo etc) so basically lied about her covering the costs of day trips (except free ones to the park).

Isthisexpected · 13/12/2023 23:10

Luna02 · 13/12/2023 23:01

I am a childminder and think that the reason why so many childminders and parents spend time chatting at playgroup is because it’s their time to socialise with other adults. Quite often they are talking about the kids anyways, about ideas for activities etc. The rest of the day and week they are at home with the kids and interacting with them. They should of course still be keeping an eye on them too. I usually make sure I pay each kid some attention, make a craft with them etc and then try to talk to a few different adults as well while keeping an eye on all the kids.

I think this is appalling. Fair enough talking to one adult or chatting whilst you're walking over to one of your charges to do a craft etc but to basically see it as your social time once you've ticked the box of doing an activity together is so poor. Are you OFSTED outstanding?

Copperoliverbear · 13/12/2023 23:12

Please don't tar everyone with the same brush, a good childminder should not leave a child to cry, but to let a child go of and play on their own in a safe environment is promoting independence, as long as they are checked on frequently.

gemloving · 13/12/2023 23:14

Awh. I send mine to a childminder 3 days a week 9-3pm. They do go to a different place every morning, they're all 2, one child is 3 but she took them to London to the transport museum last week (three kids, same age), healthy food and a great variety (I get a picture every day).

I don't know what she's like at playgroup and toddler group but I get the crafts from playgroup and videos of them singing. Soft play, she's actually in there with them taking photos and videos. I get photos of the play trays (very good) and activities at home which I'm always impressed with. He sleeps as of 1pm, so really only spends the morning there but I do trust her and don't think she'd neglect my child.

SeaViewLove · 13/12/2023 23:22

One childminder at soft play placed a baby of around 4/5 months into the small child play area. She was placed on the floor and just left. She was unable to move at all. Which meant I then couldn’t let my then 2yo run around safely, as I was worried they would land on the baby. It was unsafe, childminder walked off and left her. No parent would be happy with that. I’ve seen the childminder do the exact same thing twice. No idea why she doesn’t use the baby area.