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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off using childminders because of the ones at toddler group?

252 replies

Strawberrypeachlime · 13/12/2023 20:01

They actually seem like lovely women but they don’t watch the kids at all because they are chatting amongst themselves. Am I being unfair / unreasonable? I get it must be a really tough job but I would just want a bit more.

OP posts:
ZoChan · 13/12/2023 20:45

Perhaps meet some childminders before you judge. I don't go to soft play, or toddler groups. We spend our morning in the woods and then walk home where we have circle time and a work cycle based on the children's individual stages of development (I am montessori trained). Always disheartening to hear yourself tarred with the same brush. #notallchildmindersarelikethat

Original poster
Strawberrypeachlime · 13/12/2023 20:47

But if I met these childminders I would probably think they were great. They seem lovely women (I think they are, by the way, I’m not attacking them personally) and would probably think they are very kind and caring. But they just aren’t paying attention.

OP posts:
PorridgeWithSaltOrSugar · 13/12/2023 20:49

Over 13 years of being a nanny and every single time I've went somewhere like soft play or playgroup I've had children come and join us when I'm interacting with my nanny kids.....kids who are with their parents, not childminders, and are being ignored, parents on their phone etc. Never experience that with childminders.

Original poster
Strawberrypeachlime · 13/12/2023 20:53

I’ve had that and it’s annoying but I’m not paying parents to look after my children.

OP posts:
atthecoreofallyoudo · 13/12/2023 20:54

Benibidibici · 13/12/2023 20:25

If you could watch footage of a typical, well rated day nursery for a couple of weeks it's likely it would be no better.

This. If I hadn't been a SAHM, I'd have (imaginary finances permitting) had:

  1. Nanny
  2. CM
  3. Nursery
DieselBlue89 · 13/12/2023 20:55

Try spending a good amount of time at a nursery. Wherever there is a high ratio of kids to adults, some kids are going to be ignored unfortunately.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 13/12/2023 20:55

I can’t say I have ever noticed if other people are childminders or not and the correlation between that and ignoring the children they’ve brought with them. I’m usually focused on my own DDs. I am lucky in that my DDs were/are looked after by my DM and she is attentive so I didn’t have to stress about this. DD2 has just started pre-school at 3 and she’s having a great time and it’s clear she’s getting loads of interaction from them all, not just her key worker. DD1 went to the same pre-school and we were really happy with how she was cared for.

ClareWilsonNS · 13/12/2023 20:55

I sent two children to one childminder all the way through primary school and, while I never secretly watched her at soft play, as far as I know, she was wonderful. My children, now older teens, still talk fondly about all the fun they had, playing with the CM's daughter and other mindees, and the silly games the CM would organise in the garden.

return2sender · 13/12/2023 20:56

I go to a toddler group every week. There are 2 or 3 childminders. One in particular is great and very hands on, the other two just sit there.

sherahprincessofpower · 13/12/2023 20:59

I started a thread about this when my DD was a baby and she's now getting on for 16 and was told IWBU and childminders need a break!!

Reason I started it was because I went to a toddler group that was advertised locally and when I got there it was a bunch of (solely) childminders (not a problem) but they'd left their charges in pushchairs two double doors away. I'd been banging on the door for ages and they didn't hear me, so very much doubt any of them would have heard if the kids they were being paid to mind were in trouble.

Anyway, apparently IWBU but I don't think so.

Inyourwildestdreams · 13/12/2023 21:00

@Strawberrypeachlime YANBU at all. I was put off the day I witnessed a 2yo choke on snack she’d been sat down with at a toddlers play group. CM sat her down at a table, facing away from her then disappeared to the other side of the hall to have her coffee with a group of other local mums & CMs. CM didn’t even realise anything was going on until another child’s Dad had dislodged the food from the little girls throat.

Shes without a doubt, the most recommended CM in our town. As a person she’s lovely! Very friendly & kids LOVE her.

Another CM leaves a young child of about 1 im the pram in the corridor outside the noisy toddlers group while they nap for the first half of the session 😬 Completely reliant on other parents coming and going telling her when the little boy is awake/upset before she goes to get him.

I don’t believe for a second that all CM are the same but it would take a lot to make me feel comfortable with one I think!

ShirleyPhallus · 13/12/2023 21:02

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 13/12/2023 20:55

I can’t say I have ever noticed if other people are childminders or not and the correlation between that and ignoring the children they’ve brought with them. I’m usually focused on my own DDs. I am lucky in that my DDs were/are looked after by my DM and she is attentive so I didn’t have to stress about this. DD2 has just started pre-school at 3 and she’s having a great time and it’s clear she’s getting loads of interaction from them all, not just her key worker. DD1 went to the same pre-school and we were really happy with how she was cared for.

I only notice the bad childminders (as I’m sure most people would) by the cacophony of noise their mindees make, I wouldn’t notice otherwise. Just like most people notice parents parenting badly when their little darling comes over and smashes yours with a truck and the parent isn’t watching.

Poppinjay · 13/12/2023 21:04

As an ex childminder, senior nursery practitioner and member of pre-school staff, I have seen a wide variety of practice.

There are pros and cons for all forms of childcare. I've seen the best and the worst over the years. Some nurseries keep children in the same room all day every day with little imagination used to vary their experience. Some childminders drag children around while doing their own thing. Some nurseries have fabulous facilities which they use to give children fabulous experiences and take them out on trips often. Some childminders incorporate trips to the park, games and lovely outdoor experiences into the walks involved in the school run.

It's generally easy for all of them to pretend to look after the children better than they really are. It's also the case that most childcarers want to do the best they can for the children in their care.

Please don't tar everyone with the same brush.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/12/2023 21:06

Yanbu because I thought exactly the same when mine were small.
A group of about 4 childminders would 'run' our church hall toddler group. Each had about 3-4 kids so we're getting probably about £20ph. They'd sit there chatting, ignoring their kids, and eating free cakes that other mums would bake. They'd each get thanked profusely at Christmas etc with presents for 'organising' the play group. And I'd think wait a minute, they just got paid £60 a morning to sit around drinking tea and eating free cake and chatting to their mates!

atthecoreofallyoudo · 13/12/2023 21:06

return2sender · 13/12/2023 20:56

I go to a toddler group every week. There are 2 or 3 childminders. One in particular is great and very hands on, the other two just sit there.

The same was true of the mothers, when I used to take my DC to toddler groups.

bellamountain · 13/12/2023 21:10

This goes for anyone looking after your child, they are strangers in most cases. Only we, or very loving family members are going to give them the 100% attention they need.

barbieofswanlake · 13/12/2023 21:19

I see one on the way to school every day. Two babies in a double buggy, 4 toddlers holding on to the buggy and 2 older children on their way to be dropped at school. I see them being dragged across a busy road and it really makes me cringe. If those toddlers ran in separate directions, what would she do? I would hate for my little one being dragged out on school runs etc

The safety thing/ over numbers is a different issue, but it's very good for babies to be "dragged along" on a school run, and ofsted agree! Why would you want your baby in a sterile baby room, completely unnatural! I used a CM as I wanted my child brought up as naturally as possible

Original poster
Strawberrypeachlime · 13/12/2023 21:23

it depends what you want and what your lifestyle is like, I wouldn’t want it but my baby does get dragged around a lot by me so I’d like her time in childcare to be a rest from this! But if not it probably won’t do any harm.

My worry is that it’s often pushed as more individual but in fact I think the opposite. As they are only one person and children are different ages they all end up having to slot in, so there are children too old for the toddler group at the toddler group, babies not able to nap etc.

OP posts:
maltichi · 13/12/2023 21:30

I've never fancied using one as I would find it hard to trust just one person with my child (unless I knew them well). I saw one once at a playground with a group of 3 or 4 toddlers. They stayed for a few minutes and she took lots of pictures of them and then they left. It was really obvious she had come to the playground for the sole purpose of having pictures taken to show the parents.

At least with nurseries the staff will have a manager overseeing them and parents coming and going at different times etc. although I'm sure there are toxic work environments out there.

catsnore · 13/12/2023 21:30

I met a childminder with one mindee at a toddler group and thought she was the child's mum she was so attentive and was chatting away to her.

I know childminders who band together and do activities and keep their charges safe, even if they would prefer to chat. I know a childminder who does no activities and just lets the kids watch tv or play.

I've also witnessed a mother completely ignore her crying child for ages (whilst she was on her phone). The kid, in a desperate bid for attention, poured a drink all over the floor of the cafe. She walked off and left it 😱

Everyone's different! You don't know what each person is going through or how much they need a break. Every type of childcare is different and has its pros and cons. A good childminder is gold dust and may well love your child and show them affection. Others simply don't - they are just doing their job (or not 😬).

Bubbleshoespop · 13/12/2023 21:33

Had exactly this experience today. Multiple childminders chatting together and ignoring the children. Very clear the children are unhappy, makes me really sad.
Not tarring everyone with the same brush but these ones are awful and I wonder if the poor children's parents realise.

Annella · 13/12/2023 21:33

Completely agree. A friend of a friend is a childminder. When I was on maternity leave there was a group of us that would meet up in the park and she kind of integrated. Absolutely fine, but I swear I never saw her take the youngest (she had three) child out of the buggy. She would come to the park, sit on the bench with us (we had babes in arms), chat for an hour or so and just feed the 2 year old snacks to keep him happy in the buggy. Happened every time. Pretty sure she told the mum they’d had a lovely time in the park. Completely put me off!

Original poster
Strawberrypeachlime · 13/12/2023 21:35

I think we all know there are rubbish or disengaged parents out there but the point is I’m not paying them to look after my child.

OP posts:
MamaGhina · 13/12/2023 21:37

My personal experience of childminders has been really bad. On their phone, chatting to their friends, whilst ignoring other parents and the children they are supposed to be looking after. I found a small nursery with lots of outside space and it was great for my kids.

PercyPigInAWig · 13/12/2023 21:37

I got to know my childminder while I was on maternity leave as we went to some of the same groups. I had booked DC1 into nursery but it didn’t work out and I approached the childminder as I’d seen how much she cared for the children with her. She has honestly been amazing and like an auntie to my DC. We have got to know her family too, they are lovely.

I have seen some pretty bad examples of caring for children when out and it did put me off, and a nanny who didn’t even notice when her one charge had vomited. When pointed out she didn’t clean it up either.

I always wanted to use a nursery but there were so many young and inexperienced staff. For a while we had a nanny who used to work in a nursery. She preferred a family setting. There are some lovely nursery workers.

Whatever childcare you choose it can be so hard, in my experience, handing over your child and trusting them. Now I trust my childminder more than anyone else including family (apart from DH) when it comes to looking after DC.