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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be ok going alone for a baby in this situation?

130 replies

doitalonee · 13/12/2023 12:46

I own my home but have a hefty mortgage of 1k a month. I have around 250k equity. Savings wise I only have 4K. I can add around 300 a month to this at a push. My maternity policy is full pay for six months. Family have said they would contribute 400 a month until baby is 3. I am 36 and no relationship in sight. I feel so low. I don’t want to jump into it but have been thinking about it for a while and the only thing holding me back is money worries.

OP posts:
biostudent · 13/12/2023 12:54

Honestly you're the only one who can make the decision. If your family are happy to contribute £400 a month and that would mean life is affordable for you, I don't see what would be stopping you if a baby is truly what you want. I would in the meantime try and build up your savings as much as possible, if you can, shop around for a more affordable mortgage, cut back spending in the way of eating out, subscriptions etc if possible, reduce food waste and shop in places like aldi and lidl and put as much money as possible into savings so that if you have a baby you'll have a nice cushion behind you after your 6 months of full pay maternity ends :)

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 13:02

How will you afford childcare?

Hotgoose · 13/12/2023 13:02

That sounds better than a lot of people’s financial situations. Have you thought about when you would return to work and childcare afterwards? Price up (although it’ll likely increase) nursery/childminder to give you an idea of costs/budget. and perhaps see if you would be able to reduce the mortgage even temporarily

Original poster
doitalonee · 13/12/2023 13:05

@Crababbles @Hotgoose @biostudent thanks! Yeah nursery would be difficult I think. This is why family have said they would pay 400 a month until age 3. But I’m only on 40k so I am not sure how I would find the rest, it would be very tight, I looked recently and full time nursery near me is 1,050 including the tax free part so I would need to find 650. It’s doable but tight

OP posts:
TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 13/12/2023 13:06

I think at 36 it's crunch time, if you want to use your own eggs. If it's what you really want then go for it. Financially, you seem in quite a good position.

Whataretheodds · 13/12/2023 13:07

You could freeze your eggs/embryos now and save for a couple of years.

Hotgoose · 13/12/2023 13:09

It is doable but yes, a little tight. Are family able to help with childcare? You’ll usually find childminders are cheaper so that may be an option?

Arosebyanyname · 13/12/2023 13:15

To be honest, I'd be looking at selling and moving somewhere cheaper. That's a lot of mortgage, and childcare is crippling. I know your family have said they will contribute but I think you need to be able to afford to live without that in case they suddenly can't for any reason. But if you want kids, then do it. You can always move again in the future.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 13/12/2023 13:20

It's not the finances that should hold you back, it's the lack of relationship. Surely every child deserves to be the product of a loving relationship and be brought up by both it's parents?

Sodndashitall · 13/12/2023 13:21

I don't think you can/should rely on family subbing you so much money. Their circumstances may change and they can't afford it any more etc so you have to be able to afford a baby on your own and if they give you some cash then that's great.
Your savings are pretty low compared to your outgoings and your salary is not that high. Obviously your equity is good.
Ultimately you can afford a baby if you can make the sums work and it seems you cant on your current salary as it wont cover nursery plus mortgage. Full mat pay is great but 6 months will fly by and as a single mum it's going to be hard. What if you need a new washing machine or other white goods, or you need a major repair on your house? How will you fund those today? And what would you do if baby needed more care eg SEN, how you would fund that then?
I think a bigger question is whether you are up for the life of a single parent. It's hard work, there's no one to help out in those tough early years and you will have to find a sperm donor too! This may be further cost if you go down an IVF route. It's all doable but I think you need to consider all aspects not just the cost

AliceS1994 · 13/12/2023 13:26

If it were me I would move to a cheaper house, if mortgage is your biggest expense then you need to reduce this to free up money elsewhere. It just my opinion but I would looking for a new home whilst TTC to give myself some extra money.

MrsEG · 13/12/2023 13:27

Do you have the funds to pay for IVF? As you say you are single I assume you’ll need to pay privately to become pregnant?

GilesRupert · 13/12/2023 13:28

I had a baby last year as I just couldn't wait for financial stability at age 38. I have a partner but even so, maternity pay has left me completely broke and with childcare to pay from next month it's going to take me a long while to get back on track where money is concerned. However I have no regrets about having a baby and in a few years' time the money struggles will hopefully be nothing more than a distant memory so if you can find a way to get through the early years then I would try to go for it. 6 months is a short time to be on mat leave though! It'll go by in the blink of an eye. People do go back to work early but there's no way I would have been ready at 6 months, I didn't even want to do KIT days at that age. I'm going back next month after 13 months off and dreading it so depending how you feel about work there is also that to consider.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 13/12/2023 13:28

I would be wary of relying on family. I think people are great at saying those sorts of things but when push comes to shove they might be more, reluctant might have months here and there where it is not doable. They may have a change of circumstances which makes it impossible.
I’d work out if it is logistically/financially possible without them.

rosyglowcondition · 13/12/2023 13:33

I don't think you need IVF just donor insemination? Much cheaper. If you can cost up childcare or have family do it, I'd go for it.

SkaneTos · 13/12/2023 13:35

I agree with @Lastqueenofscotland2 about relying on family for money.
OP, your family sound lovely and generous, but their circumstances might change.

RoachFish · 13/12/2023 13:37

Even if you start now you are probably at least 10 months away from having a baby, probably more like 18 months so if you can save £300/month until then you will have at least £3000 more in savings and possibly £5400 or more. I would be too nervous to have a baby with such low savings. You are only really a couple of months of unemloyment away from being completely broke.

If you can, lower your outgoings, mortgage seems to be the obvious one.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 13/12/2023 13:38

Do you need to have a baby? In your circumstances maybe adopting a slightly older child would be better. School age, really needing a home?

EyeInTheSky23 · 13/12/2023 13:44

Highlyflavouredgravy · 13/12/2023 13:20

It's not the finances that should hold you back, it's the lack of relationship. Surely every child deserves to be the product of a loving relationship and be brought up by both it's parents?

😂

EyeInTheSky23 · 13/12/2023 13:46

Is there any way of buying something cheaper to get rid of as much of the mortgage as possible?

Crushed23 · 13/12/2023 13:59

Whataretheodds · 13/12/2023 13:07

You could freeze your eggs/embryos now and save for a couple of years.

This.

I am mid-30s, single, and about to freeze my eggs. Then I’m going to save and build an IVF fund over the next couple of years.

None of that is a guarantee for anything, but it will take the pressure off a tad.

I will say that I am not one of those people who is desperate for a baby and think life wouldn’t be worth living without one, so I’m happy with the low odds (think it’s about 50% for a live birth if I freeze a certain number at my age). But you might not be!

ALunchbox · 13/12/2023 14:05

Finance wise, I'd say you will be ok assuming you or family relatives don't lose their jobs. I would personally prefer a bigger buffer saving wise but that's me.
You also need to think of other aspects. Looking after a child is full on on top of a job, taking care of the house, garden, etc. Will your family help?

user628468523532453 · 13/12/2023 14:10

Have you put all your outgoings down on paper / in a spreadsheet? It can be easier to work out what could be tweaked or what's fixed when it's all in front of you rather than just in your head (where it's easy to forget things).

Have you factored in things like tax free childcare or funded hours? Childminder Vs nursery?

Your expected career / salary progression?

Octowussy · 13/12/2023 14:12

I'd not rely on your family contributing. What if you have a baby and suddenly they have money worries and can no longer give you the £400? Or they could decide to withdraw their offer.

Original poster
doitalonee · 13/12/2023 14:17

Thanks all. Those talking about the certainty of the money from family, they are extremely wealthy and could afford this many times over so I have no concerns that they won’t do what they have said. They don’t give out money on a whim but they do stick to financial promises. I am able to rely on the 400 a month for the first three years and they have even offered the 15k upfront instead but I would rather it monthly so I can get used to my new outgoings.

I have looked at downsizing and reducing my mortgage, thanks for that suggestion. I don’t know how possible that would be as there’s barely anything for sale at the moment (I am in the countryside) so I guess I have to be aware I may be stuck here for the time being.

@Highlyflavouredgravy yes I have considered that. I’d much prefer to have a partner to do this with but having many friends now as single parents after things not working out, I am not sure it’s entirely different and is perhaps even better to do it my way. I am not sure, it’s debatable but that wasn’t the purpose of my thread.

OP posts: