Would I be ok going alone for a baby in this situation?

[doitalonee]

I own my home but have a hefty mortgage of 1k a month. I have around 250k equity. Savings wise I only have 4K. I can add around 300 a month to this at a push. My maternity policy is full pay for six months. Family have said they would contribute 400 a month until baby is 3. I am 36 and no relationship in sight. I feel so low. I don’t want to jump into it but have been thinking about it for a while and the only thing holding me back is money worries.

This won't be a popular opinion and I'm prepared to be flamed. One of my really close friends never knew her father and it has caused her deep emotional wounds and mental health issues her whole life. Even though her mum was a great mum, that void is and always will be there for her. It's shaped her whole life.

I know that fathers can abandon their children, or die when the children are young - but that's not really in anyone's control. To deliberately choose to have a fatherless child is not in that child's best interest IMO.

I'm also surprised how many posters focus on the financial side rather than the emotional side of being a single parent without a partner/father for the child.

Sadly some parents die or leave after a child is born (and that's really tough) but to deliberately choose to have a baby without their dad is unfair on the child imo.

@HunterBidensBurnerPhone that’s very sad. May I ask if she was born by sperm donor?

OP was quite specific that she wanted advice on that side rather than the other stuff

I wouldn’t have a baby on my own out of choice; maybe I had it particularly tough but the first few years for me were relentless and my career suffered. Maybe I was naive but I thought my work would be fine and employer supportive etc. Well that was not the case. Looking around me now in mum-land, i don’t know a single woman with a young child who manages / managed to work successfully during the early years. I know two who had a breakdown. Two who have changed careers. I am about to aswell. I appreciate some people are lone parents and of course manage just fine but personally I’d do anything to avoid having a baby without a partner to share the workload. If I were in your shoes op, I would spend the next year looking for a partner who wanted the same as me. If you met someone it would make the world of difference. Seems to me you are mourning a relationship - and then what you think it would bring - a baby. Wishing you the best of luck however the journey pans out. X

This is a false promise and a very expensive option. Chances of successfully carrying a baby to term fall with every year. Plus it's best to freeze eggs before 30. Also it costs a lot of money to freeze plus the cost of IVF . I suggest if a child is important to you take a plunge and go solo. Where is a will there is a way.

I would take in a lodger now to save extra money, 6-8 months of rent will help plus interest rates are likely to drop

People have children on a lot a lot less. You’re already slightly over or at average salary.
It would be quite understandable if your future child wanted to know their father, so that probably needs considering.

I would on a fraction of that.

No women should make a decision to have a baby based on anything other than what they a provide 100% on their own.

I think it would be unwise to rely on contributions from your family. Circumstances can change. Even when you seem to be sure. And its not just the money. Being a single parent isnt easy. Most folk would think long and hard before setting out to choose this.

Other things you could consider to get a little extra cash is take in a lodger, even if it's for a year or less, or look after another child in your house while on mat leave.

Of course if you don't want to do those things, it's totally valid too.

The things that jump out at me are costs post 3 years. Nursery (£400pm won’t cover it) when you need to go back to work.

How are you getting pregnant? IVF isn’t cheap.

Whats your job like? Living in the countryside as a single parent can be a pain in the arse and isolating. What’s your commute like? How long would a nursery drop off/pick add on. Honestly as a single parent leaving at 7am to get to work and dropping off at nursery and doing it in reverse is relentlessly exhausting and it may mean your current job is no longer suitable. Impacting your finances.

But also you say you have never felt as low as you do now. Having a baby alone may not fix that and shouldn’t be something you do? Because you think it will help your mood. It may not.

You don’t need to answer these questions. Just things I think you need to think about.

I agree with this

So why don’t you say it to people in a relationship? Such a condescending thing to say to someone! People can try to become parents however they see fit. Being single doesn’t make you any less worthy as a parent than a being in a relationship does. I also never claimed it was the only way to become a parent.

It took me 6yrs with multiple ivf rounds to get pregnant. I’m very well aware of the other routes to parenthood. OP hasn’t asked for your opinions on adoption. You sound obnoxious.

Sort of. It was an arrangement between her mum and the father that she would have the baby and he would have no involvement. So cruel on my friend.

I do also wonder about what sort of man just leaves his sperm out there for any old woman to make a baby with. When you think about it, it's an odd thing to do. To know you'll probably have children out there that you'll have nothing to do with. Why would you want that? Again, this is just my opinion, but I have a suspicion that the sort of men who are sperm donors have some fetishistic idea of getting multiple women pregnant and spreading their seed far and wide. Gives me the ick just thinking about it.

If you had more savings you’d be better positioned.

full time childcare where I am is between £1400-2500 pm
on top of bills, insurance and mortgage you will need to clear about £3.5k -£4k pm

i personally wasn’t prepared for the impact of motherhood and would have struggled without a supportive DH.
The sleep impact is unreal and lasts longer than I had thought it would
I have a fairly senior professional job I thought I was prepared and would be fine. I was pretty naive it has 100% impacted my ability to perform and thus be promoted at work in ways I didn’t foresee.

I would think very carefully

Not sure when 30 hours for all kicks in, it won’t cover it all but may be worth waiting so your child of born when it would be eligible. Our kids became so much cheaper once they hit school age even with wrap around care. Saw a fb post from a friend who went out alone recently, many people make it work, I doubt she’s on 40k, she certainly wasn’t when her child was born.

I agree. Ideally, children need two parents, even though it seems controversial to say it nowadays.

Just go for it! You are financially a lot better off than lots of single mum's I know and won't be attached to some loser.

Children don't 'need' two parents

So many pieces of research highlight that one responsive care giver Does not get In the way of development compared to both parents being around

What about those who stay in abusive relationships

Are those kids better off than single parents

Gosh some of the views on here are crazy

I wouldn't pass up the chance to have a child if I was in your position. You can make it work with the equity you have. If you are going to do it don't wait. It will only get harder to conceive.

@thisisasurvivor That’s why I said “ideally”. This isn’t a situation involving an abusive relationship or a bereavement, it’s a choice. It’s not at all crazy to think that two parents is better than one for all involved.

Sell up downsize, reduce (or pay off entirely) your mortgage, take the money, go back to work when child gets some nursery funding. Do it, but only if you have an extremely solid support network around you and/or you're prepared to build one. Solo parenting is exhausting and if you can't see anyway of getting a night or 2 solid sleep a month don't do it.

Being single doesn’t make you any less worthy as a parent than a being in a relationship does.

Of course it doesn't make you any less worthy! But it will be a lot harder without the support of another parent, and it may be harder for the child if it grows up without knowing and having a father/other parent!

I feel we focus a lot on what parents want but not so much on what's best for the child.

You live once. If you want a child, and it means a lot to you (like it did for me too so I relate), you'd sell your house if you really needed to.

If, with the equity you have, you're still not sure if you want to, I would wonder if something else is holding you back.

You can definitely provide your child with security with £250,000 and what must be a good job. So go for it.