Would I be ok going alone for a baby in this situation?

[doitalonee]

I own my home but have a hefty mortgage of 1k a month. I have around 250k equity. Savings wise I only have 4K. I can add around 300 a month to this at a push. My maternity policy is full pay for six months. Family have said they would contribute 400 a month until baby is 3. I am 36 and no relationship in sight. I feel so low. I don’t want to jump into it but have been thinking about it for a while and the only thing holding me back is money worries.

I don't think you should count on the £400 from family every month, especially not for 3 years. Talk is pretty cheap.

@ohdelay please see my previous post re the 400 xx

Just to say OP your family clearly are generous and wealthy which is great. But what happens after 3 years? A 4 year old at school still requires wrap around childcare if you work full.time, plus holiday clubs etc. Frankly school is a headache compared to nursery and you have only you to organise and cover all the weeks that your DC is not in school. Then uniforms, clothes etc. The costs down go down, they are spent on different things!
With your salary and mortgage, you don't have much to spare, so unless the maths works now, you'll be reliant on family to bail you out always. As a single parent the buck for everything literally and figuratively stops with you

Do you have room to take in a lodger? There is a scheme where the lodgers rent is tax free up to a certain amount.

I’d go for it. I’m on less pay and it was tight the first 3 years. I got help with childcare through universal credit who paid 85%. It wasn’t a choice in my case but if I’d stayed single I would have used a donor

@Sodndashitall yes this is where I have no knowledge really on expense for 3 plus and that makes me nervous

Do you say this to other people as well? What a shitty comment to make.

You're bonkers not to take the £15k. You could put it in a fixed term bond or ISA until you need to draw down on it.

You def need to work out all your income and outgoings, including the cost of basic stuff for baby (everything can be bought second hand) and actually getting pregnant (cost of sperm, storage etc).

If you're not already plugged into single/solo mum by choice then do so, The Stork and I is a great site/account to follow. People are willing to help and challenge constructively.

Don't wait if it's something you really, really want- it might not happen straight away- might take years (hopefully not, but it is a possibility.)
I would be inclined to wonder can you reduce your mortgage payments at all?- ie, move house? That would free up some money for you. Very nice of your family to offer monthly help, but I personally don't think you should rely on their money as a make or break.- life happens, their circumstances may change, they might die- you need to be independent really.
However, you do sound in a better position financially than alot of other people.
Good luck!

I think a bigger question is whether you are up for the life of a single parent. It's hard work, there's no one to help out in those tough early years and you will have to find a sperm donor too!

Yes, being a single parent is very difficult! While sadly some relationships end after a child is born, I would certainly not choose to be a single parent from the start.

OP I don’t know what kind of home you have but if downsizing would help I do think you’ll be fine sharing a room with your little one till three at least. Others might disagree, I think it’s really doable.

I’d say it to anyone considering taking action to become a parent in this way. I don’t think it’s a shitty question , there are many ways to make a family, the OP could consider all options. Plus many benefits including extra support, less childcare costs ( if school age) etc etc. adoption and fostering are amazing opportunities.

I think you’re shitty for claiming the only way to be a parent is to have a baby!

a £1k mortgage on £40k a year sounds like a large percentage of your salary. What's your take home pay each month?
I wouldn't want to be living the lifestyle of a single parent and be tight on funds as you have no contingency in savings.......in fact, can you even afford to get pregnant??

@NotFastButFurious yeah it’s hard, but rentals round here are 1k for a flat and I’m in a 3 bed house so comparatively it’s not too bad. The only way to get it down is to move, hard to know what to do

How much do you earn? How much does nursery cost per month in your area? How much would you be left with and can you live on that?

I would take the £15 K lump sum that your family is offering, rather than £400 a month, just in case anything changes. Or they can give you the allowed £3K lump sum for the next five years and then top up with monthly cash.

The single parents I know IRL do find it hard going, but worth it. I have three friends who deliberately became single parents, two through adoption and one through IVF. Like most situations in life, different people cope with differing levels of success. One of my friends struggles and needs a lot of support from her extended family; the other two somehow manage pretty well with parenting and responsible jobs. The most amazing situation is the Mum who adopted her son from drug-addicted parents (he and his siblings had been taken into care). He was affected by the drugs and his behavior can be challenging, but she fights so hard to get him the support he needs, she’s incredible.

I think you could make this work OP. There will need to be sacrifices but there are sacrifices anyway when a baby arrives. You can save so much money in those early days if you’re willing to buy some things second hand (often very good quality as they are used for such a short amount of time). Also baby clothes from Tesco/Sainsburys are just as good as clothes from John Lewis. I learned that lesson second time around after I spent so much unnecessary money on posher clothes with DC1.

Go for it. DFriend did at your age, then a few years later reconnected with an old flame and had baby no 2.
they’re very happy, and realistically if it had all worked out with him if she had been childless she would have 1 not 2 kids as she would have been an issue.

I’d be much less concerned with the finances than with how you will deal with parenting alone. Lots of people manage it, I know I would go to pieces (I struggle enough with DH around to help out). If you are confident you can deal alone then at 36 I’d get on with it. Your finances seem fine and even if they weren’t perfect you can’t wait forever.

@Anonymouslyposting Yes, from what I’ve observed among my single parent by choice friends, it’s the emotional and mental load that’s challenging.

Honestly OP I don’t think I would in those circumstances. If you can only at a push add £300 per month to savings, then I assume that’s all the spare cash you currently have each month? Obviously that’s still a lot of money, but when you consider you’d have an entire other human to support, it’s tight, food, clothes, milk, nappies, wipes, childcare, after school clubs etc. The £400 from family will help initially but your child will still be expensive at all ages, as a single parent you will likely need to use breakfast or after school clubs once they are in school and that isn’t cheap.

I’m currently pregnant with our first baby and we did lots of finance planning before ttc, I am on a very similar salary to you and based on the figures we came up with, I wouldn’t have done it alone as it just would have meant a life of worrying about money.

Plus the “set up” for a baby isn’t cheap, DH & I have both been shocked to see how expensive everything is. In addition, I truly don’t know how I would have gotten through pregnancy without my DH. Although it is the best thing ever it has also been the hardest thing ever in ways I could never have imagined, without his support I would have really struggled.

I think other posters have the right idea in freezing your eggs now if possible so you have the option x

Go for it. It is difficult financially when you’re on your own, but couples struggle too and at least you’re not carrying the weight of a rubbish partner. You only need 5 minutes on mumsnet to see how utterly useless many men are.

For me it was definitely the best way to become a parent (not sorry, heteronormative pearl clutchers!) and although it’s hard, it’s not harder than being childless when I ached to be a mother. Join DCN and connect with other women in your situation, there are loads of us and IME it’s important to make solo mum friends. Feel free to DM if you want to chat.

Please don't rely on freezing your eggs, if you freeze at 25 your chances are good, but if you freeze now and try and use them at say 40, your chances are extremely slim.

I'm in your situation, 35 and I was planning a family with my ex but single now. I'm not desperate for a baby, and would rather not have kids than do it alone. BUT if I was, I would be going down the sperm donor route and making the money element work. As others said you could take in a lodger, move house. 40k isn't a bad wage and you do have a supportive family.

The unhappiest women I know at 35 are the ones desperate for kids who can't get pregnant, not the ones with kids and no money/single mums/less than ideal finances.

I'd go ahead immediately. Fertility is never sure so you should start as soon as possible if you want to be a mother.

You mentioned you have a 3 bed house, can you rent a room or 2 for now? That would definitely help you to save for when the baby arrives.

Good luck!

At 36, if you want a baby you need to try and make it happen as soon as possible.

But without a partner, how do you plan to get pregnant? If you plan on doing IUI or IVF with donor sperm, have you factored in the cost of doing that?