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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not doing Christmas gifts with DH?

134 replies

pumpkinfarm · 13/12/2023 09:32

Does anyone else not swap Xmas gifts with their DP? Can't work out if it's a bit miserable of me. There's nothing we both want/need that we couldn't just buy ourselves. We share a bank account and I'd rather just use the money to pay off the mortgage tbh 😄

OP posts:
ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 13/12/2023 14:13

The only thing that matters is both partners being on the same page.
My DH and I exchange stockings at midnight, usually consumable luxuries of some kind that are a real treat. It's our "tea break" in amongst all the building of toys and last minute tidying up. I'd be really sad to not have our little tradition anymore, even though I could buy myself all those things whenever I felt like it.
To each their own etc.

ChristmasTreeMagic · 13/12/2023 14:13

I think it's down to each couple really and what their relationship is generally like.

Dh and I are married 20+ years and we still love to spoil each other at Christmas and birthdays. We're also kind and thoughtful to each other throughout the year and willingly do lots to help each other so the idea of dh driving / collecting me from a night out with simply not register for us as a 'present' as it's something we do all the time anyway.

We're both very good at buying the other nice, thoughtful presents and have always felt that it's also a good thing for dc to see us care for each other in this way.

This year we're going on a holiday directly after Christmas (with dc) so we're doing smaller gifts and we always do a stocking for each other too.

I absolutely understand that some people are not into buying / receiving presents but I would not like it myself to be honest. I LOVE buying things for dh and seeing his face. He had a very poor upbringing and never really had Christmas until we got together. Now he loves it!

DancingDangerously · 13/12/2023 14:21

Our relationship is very strong, very close and we both love to spoil each other. He gets me the most wonderful, thoughtful gifts when he does get them.

That's probably why it's not a big deal to either of us to do gifts on specific days - the rest of the time is full of thoughtful, loving, caring exchanges between us.

DancingDangerously · 13/12/2023 14:24

But yes, if we had children who needed to see a good relationship modelled and also the joy of giving as opposed to just the fun of receiving - and most importantly the fact that mum deserves to be valued and thought of on special days too, then we would do a gift exchange for sure (and did, when my grown-up children were younger).

stayathomer · 13/12/2023 14:25

We used to not but then it’s a lovely added little bit of niceness when you do, even put a limit on it

EmptyYoghurtPot · 13/12/2023 14:29

DH and I don’t do presents for occasions but we do treat ourselves/each other as and when we see things we like. For example I like a perfume that is only available in France and Spain so if he is there on business he’ll try and get me some. Christmas for us is more about the children/grandchildren.

AnotherEmma · 13/12/2023 14:50

One year I was so stressed and overwhelmed about Christmas (with young children and work, December always feels stressful) that DH and I agreed we wouldn't worry about getting each other presents; one less thing to do. However, it tends to be easy enough to think of one or two presents that the other will like, since we obviously know each other well, even if we are both difficult to buy for and buy ourselves things we want/need anyway. We do enjoy exchanging gifts but I prefer birthdays as they're spread throughout the year and you can focus on one person at a time! Like PPs I prioritise the children. And we do secret Santa between the adults in the family which makes it a bit easier.

PoppyCup · 13/12/2023 15:00

To me it would send the message: we're not important anymore. You can't be bothered to make me happy or be kind and generous to me and I can't be bothered either. Our relationship isn't worth any effort or supposed to be fun. Only the kids matter.

Presents don't have to cost the earth if you are skint - it could be a paperback of a new novel by an author they know you love/you know they love, or a bar of hand soap in your/his favourite scent. It's about showing you still see the person and their tastes and pleasures matter to you. If you are not skint, all the more reason to make some effort at the darkest time of year to cheer up your partner. Why would anyone not bother to do that for the person they chose to spend their life with?

crozzfit · 13/12/2023 15:01

We don't do them for each other. Nothing we need or want. We always agree in advance though.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 13/12/2023 15:15

We do charity shop shit. £10 to spend on the worst stuff we can find.

Its a win win. Money goes to charity, the shop gets rid of some awful, sometimes offensive stuff, and we have a laugh.

I won one year with the black and white minstrel album on LP. That went straight in the bin and out of general circulation. I was quite embarrassed about buying it tbh!

Weatherwax134 · 13/12/2023 15:26

We've not done gifts for a few years now, if one of us sees something and picks it up for the other then that's lovely but there's no pressure on either of us. I don't think it's miserable at all- if it works for you and everyone's happy :)

Definitelynotme2022 · 13/12/2023 15:28

If you're happy with that, then that's great.

We've often not bought gifts for each other, but the last few years the kids have noticed when we do it so we do get each other something now. Even if it's just a little something under the tree.

Moversnotshakers · 13/12/2023 15:31

Not buying for each other but having a lovely 4 day break to Lanzarote in the new year. Keeping funds for that instead. Perfect.!

SwordToFlamethrower · 13/12/2023 15:36

Every year, I get so stressed by Xmas, and I say "don't get me anything, and I won't get you anything."

He always gets me something, whereas I don't get him anything.

We are adults and we can buy ourselves whatever we want to surely!

Birthdays are to celebrate yes, but Xmas is just awful in my view.

Happy to enjoy a nice roasty and that is all.

RobertaFirmino · 13/12/2023 15:37

Me and DH never bother either. Seems a bit pointless really, we each have our own money. Besides, neither of us equates gifts with love. We'd much rather spend the £ on nice food and drink.

TokyoSushi · 13/12/2023 15:42

We do, but they're very prescriptive. DH is not very good at all at online shopping, he'd rather 'see something in a shop' as you did in 1997, whereas I by comparison am excellent! Therefore DH gets sucked into overspending, like buying perfume only from Boots etc.
This year I wanted gym trainers & Gucci Flora perfume, both of which I managed to find online with good discounts, so I ordered them, and DH will 'give' them to me on Christmas Day - means I always love my gifts!!

Original poster
pumpkinfarm · 13/12/2023 16:05

PoppyCup · 13/12/2023 15:00

To me it would send the message: we're not important anymore. You can't be bothered to make me happy or be kind and generous to me and I can't be bothered either. Our relationship isn't worth any effort or supposed to be fun. Only the kids matter.

Presents don't have to cost the earth if you are skint - it could be a paperback of a new novel by an author they know you love/you know they love, or a bar of hand soap in your/his favourite scent. It's about showing you still see the person and their tastes and pleasures matter to you. If you are not skint, all the more reason to make some effort at the darkest time of year to cheer up your partner. Why would anyone not bother to do that for the person they chose to spend their life with?

But there are other ways of showing kindness and generosity than by buying presents, are there not? Not saying you're wrong, it's definitely food for thought, just putting the question out there...

I think for me, I have a full time job and a toddler and this time of year is so busy anyway... just seems like one more thing to have to find time for. (So yes, maybe you have a point about it sending the message that you can't be bothered!)

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkinfarm · 13/12/2023 16:06

I'm also not buying my one year old any presents, but that's another thread 😄

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 13/12/2023 16:08

PoppyCup · 13/12/2023 15:00

To me it would send the message: we're not important anymore. You can't be bothered to make me happy or be kind and generous to me and I can't be bothered either. Our relationship isn't worth any effort or supposed to be fun. Only the kids matter.

Presents don't have to cost the earth if you are skint - it could be a paperback of a new novel by an author they know you love/you know they love, or a bar of hand soap in your/his favourite scent. It's about showing you still see the person and their tastes and pleasures matter to you. If you are not skint, all the more reason to make some effort at the darkest time of year to cheer up your partner. Why would anyone not bother to do that for the person they chose to spend their life with?

Generosity is shown in many different ways though. I don't need or want more THINGS in my life and nor does DH.

We have plenty of money so its not about being skint, but both would rather overpay mortgage. We both on same page with things financially.

Noicant · 13/12/2023 16:09

We buy ourselves something (usually a top up or perfume kinda thing) wrap it and then give it to DD to give to us. Only reason is so that a)she has something to give and b) she doesn’t grow up thinking it’s normal to receive but not give.

Otherwise we absolutely wouldn’t bother, have no money worries so we tend to just buy whatever we need/want as we go along and tbh neither of us really want much anyway. Perfectly happy marriage and tbh trying to guess what someone who doesn’t want anything may want is a pain in the arse.

Melodyy · 13/12/2023 16:21

DH and I stopped doing gifts ages ago. We might so something special on a milestone birthday/anniversary but never for Christmas.

PoppyCup · 13/12/2023 16:22

I do agree with OP and PPs that generosity and thoughtfulness can be shown in loads of different ways and all year round. But Christmas is fixed at this time of year for a reason - to preoccupy us with lights and feasts and get togethers and a bit of extra effort, to get us through the long dark winter months. So I'd want to use that excuse to get DH things he wants or would appreciate and not buy for himself. A treat or two. It's not exactly an impossible task.

Lifeisshortliveitwell · 13/12/2023 16:23

My husband and I haven't exchanged Xmas gifts for years. We were just spending/wasting money for no reason. We'd rather go out somewhere lovely for dinner or spend it on holidays.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/12/2023 17:03

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/12/2023 09:40

We’re not doing them (again) this year - there’s nothing we particularly want or need. Dh is so hard to buy for anyway! So if he doesn’t need e.g. a new jumper or slippers….

As I’ve done before, I will shortly be doing a big shop just for the food bank - that will be our ‘joint present’ to each other.

I should have added, we always do stockings for each other, though. Nothing expensive, but I’d be a bit upset if I didn’t find a bulging stocking on Christmas morning. Most of it will always be the sort of edibles we really enjoy up to 12th Night, and afterwards - if they last that long. (🐷🐷)

RockStarship · 13/12/2023 17:17

Dh and I stopped buying gifts for each other at Christmas about 10 years ago. Mainly because neither of us particularly need or want anything. I tend to buy stuff for myself as and when I want or need it. Instead we will book a nice meal out or a weekend away, or some experience/event.