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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find this offensive?

140 replies

Daisy995 · 12/12/2023 23:57

A guy I knew from school and from nights out recently messaged me on WhatsApp. Asking how I was doing etc. I’m 26 now and last time I saw him I was 21. We used to flirt quite a lot on nights out. His last message to me was ‘Can I ask you a silly question?’ I said ‘what question?’ And he’s put back ‘respectfully, are you still as attractive as you used to be when I last saw you?’ Aibu to think this is a rude question? I don’t get why someone would ask that?

OP posts:
furtivetussling · 13/12/2023 08:57

I think he is just very clumsily trying to let you know he fancies you, and a compliment has backfired somewhat.

QueenOfMOHO · 13/12/2023 08:59

Diggerdriverless · 13/12/2023 01:09

"My beauty has increased as your intellect has shrunk"

😂😂

Ktime · 13/12/2023 08:59

Ugh what a prick. I think it’s a form
of negging, you’re supposed to get anxious and show him pictures that show you’re even more attractive now.

Just send a 👍 emoji.

IHeartBiscuits · 13/12/2023 09:05

If he was interested in you as a PERSON he'd want to meet you and then decide on how it went going forward. The question does come across that he wants you to rate your looks on his behalf to help him decide whether or not it's "worth" him taking it forward or not before he gets off the sofa.

Really, who would critique themselves in terms of attractiveness to someone like that? How do you start? "Well, I think I'm likely still as attractive but I am five years older now so I checked in the magnifying mirror for you and maybe I have one or two more wrinkles now and my teeth aren't quite as white as they were but they're not bad..." I mean really? What makes someone "attractive" anyway?

IHeartBiscuits · 13/12/2023 09:06

Ktime · 13/12/2023 08:59

Ugh what a prick. I think it’s a form
of negging, you’re supposed to get anxious and show him pictures that show you’re even more attractive now.

Just send a 👍 emoji.

I'd send a Hmm face.

EyeInTheSky23 · 13/12/2023 09:08

Fk he has the worst social skills ever.

Hey, are you still as fit as you were 5 years ago? Let me know, maybe send recent pics and I'll see if it's worth continuing this WhatsApp convo.

Like .... Even the most basic fucker could think of just chatting until they get some "in" to see your SM and check out the pictures on there. I'm actually surprised he hasn't just tried that already .. are you not on SM or is it really well locked down or something?

Deathbyfluffy · 13/12/2023 09:09

Jesus, that’s fucking awful. And I say this as man who also can’t flirt for toffee - but at least I can do it in a (slightly) less clumsy way!

EyeInTheSky23 · 13/12/2023 09:09

respectfully, are you still as attractive as you used to be when I last saw you?

Yeah, putting respectfully doesn't alter the question.

EyeInTheSky23 · 13/12/2023 09:11

Everyone who thinks he's trying to flirt ..... Really not getting that.

He's just checking if op looks pretty much the same before he invests any more of his time in messaging her.

neeep · 13/12/2023 09:12

are you still as attractive as you used to be when I last saw you

I think he is trying to say" I thought you were really attractive"

He's just clumsy

neeep · 13/12/2023 09:12

He's not actually asking if 5 years hit op with the ugly stick

EyeInTheSky23 · 13/12/2023 09:13

This would be bad enough if he hadnt been MIA for 5 fkg years.

Wtf. Has he been in a relationship that's broken down so now he's working his way through the list of girls he used to socialise and flirt with?
But he needs to check they're still attractive before he wastes his time.

Waitingfordoggo · 13/12/2023 09:13

@EyeInTheSky23 I read it as he is trying to tell the OP he finds her attractive (or certainly used to at any rate!) Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s a good chat-up line but I also don’t think it’s offensive or negging.

Ktime · 13/12/2023 09:13

neeep · 13/12/2023 09:12

He's not actually asking if 5 years hit op with the ugly stick

That’s exactly what he’s asking though. Ergo, he’s a prick.

LemonLight · 13/12/2023 09:14

I would tell him you didn't realise he was such a creep and then delete his number.

DaveDidIt · 13/12/2023 09:14

I'd reply no, I'm told a lot that I'm hotter now than I've ever been. Then I'd block him.

EyeInTheSky23 · 13/12/2023 09:15

neeep · 13/12/2023 09:12

are you still as attractive as you used to be when I last saw you

I think he is trying to say" I thought you were really attractive"

He's just clumsy

I don't think so.

He'd just say 'i always thought you were really attractive".

What he's thinking is "I haven't seen her in 5 years... I wonder are her looks the same... I'll check, otherwise I'll not be wasting more of my time".

EyeInTheSky23 · 13/12/2023 09:16

Waitingfordoggo · 13/12/2023 09:13

@EyeInTheSky23 I read it as he is trying to tell the OP he finds her attractive (or certainly used to at any rate!) Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s a good chat-up line but I also don’t think it’s offensive or negging.

Edited

I don't read it that way.

Op knows he used to find her attractive because she says they used to flirt.

He's literally asking her if she looks the same/of her looks haven't deteriorated any ... Before he bothers messaging any further.

He's crass.

IHeartBiscuits · 13/12/2023 09:17

neeep · 13/12/2023 09:12

are you still as attractive as you used to be when I last saw you

I think he is trying to say" I thought you were really attractive"

He's just clumsy

I think the "respectfully" bit, which you missed out, wipes out the clumsy excuse, because by default he is aware that it could be seen as disrespectful.

Marmiteidea · 13/12/2023 09:18

Oh ick. I’d give the thumbs up or silence. Ick, ick, ick. There is a whiff of power play about it, maybe not quite negging but certainly enough to put a woman on the back foot.

EyeInTheSky23 · 13/12/2023 09:18

From 21 to 25 it would be very unlikely that there'd be any real aging or other changes etc.

So I'd take his question to mean - are you still slim or have you piled on the weight?

EyeInTheSky23 · 13/12/2023 09:19

IHeartBiscuits · 13/12/2023 09:17

I think the "respectfully" bit, which you missed out, wipes out the clumsy excuse, because by default he is aware that it could be seen as disrespectful.

Show quote history

Yep.

EyeInTheSky23 · 13/12/2023 09:20

Op mustn't have any accessible photos up online or he'd be perusing those with a check list.

Ktime · 13/12/2023 09:20

IHeartBiscuits · 13/12/2023 09:17

I think the "respectfully" bit, which you missed out, wipes out the clumsy excuse, because by default he is aware that it could be seen as disrespectful.

Show quote history

💯

Muchof · 13/12/2023 09:23

No it’s not offensive, it is odd though and I feel embarrassed for him.