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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find this offensive?

140 replies

Daisy995 · 12/12/2023 23:57

A guy I knew from school and from nights out recently messaged me on WhatsApp. Asking how I was doing etc. I’m 26 now and last time I saw him I was 21. We used to flirt quite a lot on nights out. His last message to me was ‘Can I ask you a silly question?’ I said ‘what question?’ And he’s put back ‘respectfully, are you still as attractive as you used to be when I last saw you?’ Aibu to think this is a rude question? I don’t get why someone would ask that?

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 13/12/2023 01:16

LusaBatoosa · 13/12/2023 00:04

He thinks he’s flirting with you. 🤣

This^
He did say that it’s a silly question and added “respectfully” so maybe he’s not complete sexist idiot but just shit at flirting as a few PPs suggested.

Weddingblues23 · 13/12/2023 01:32

Think people are being a bit oversensitive on this thread - he's just crap at flirting. He's trying to compliment you on how hot you are (in terms of last time he saw you he totally fancied the pants off you) without realising that he's effectively insinuating that you will be less hot because you're older and that he doesn't want to talk to you if that's the case. He's being a bit of a bonehead, but I think it's harmless and don't think he's being a pig or whatever. He just wanted to tell you he fancies you.

FarewellLeicesterSquare · 13/12/2023 01:35

ImustLearn2Cook · 13/12/2023 00:47

I’d reply: ‘Wow, what happened to your social skills? I hope you don’t think that’s actually flirting, do you?’ Then block him.

^ 💪👍👏

Please send this op!

ChateauDuMont · 13/12/2023 01:51

It could be a rhetoric question or he is just trying to find out whether it's worth his while to pursue you or not.

Reply that your now 30 stone and have a moustache and see what his reply is.

YDBear · 13/12/2023 05:57

I’d write back “since I started transitioning, I am, in fact, vastly improved.”

Dogsitterwoes · 13/12/2023 06:09

Weird and rude.

Text back 'You first. Have you turned into a minger in the last 5 years?'

Riverlee · 13/12/2023 06:17

It sounds like to me that he was having a conversation with a friend about the attractive women he knew in the padt, and as a result was thinking about you, and in the spur of the moment contacted you. Hence the odd question.

its not offensive, and could possibly be seen as flattering (as he said you were attractive) but it us a little odd.

lljkk · 13/12/2023 06:36

I'd take that in a friendly way. I'd also set him straight if I knew I had no interest in him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/12/2023 06:49

What a stupid question! Was he expecting you to say no, not really? Or was he expecting you to say I'm even better!

Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 06:56

Unless you have some other problem with him, I don't see any reason to block. I read this as a clumsy attempt as flirting. He's just telling you that he finds you attractive.
It's annoying and a bit weird. If I try to look at it another way, could it be offensive? Like he's saying are you less attractive now or something? I don't see how, because didn't you see him quite recently?
I'd either completely ignore it, or just say, "what are you talking about, I only saw you last week" (or whenever it was).

CrunchyCarrot · 13/12/2023 07:12

I expect that sounded better in his head than it looks in a text! 😂

Ploctopus · 13/12/2023 07:13

He’s trying to flirt, he’s just shit at it

Helloits2023 · 13/12/2023 07:20

I did have a little laugh at him putting “respectfully” before asking an incredibly offensive question. Anyway it seems like a neg to me - a deliberate attempt to undermine your self confidence (by implying you must have aged) so you’d then be flattered and receptive to his overtures. Gross in my opinion.

Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 07:23

Oh, I just re-read it and realised you haven't seen him in 5 years. I mean, it is rude and as someone else said, perhaps negging. I just wouldn't respond at all.

TerfTalking · 13/12/2023 07:38

My question would be where has he been the last 5 years? is he now becoming conscious that he's single, his mates are settling down and thinking "if she's still as fit as she was, she's worth a shot".

I find the random messaging after 5 years more off putting than the actual question.

ChristmasFluff · 13/12/2023 07:39

Putting 'respectfully' at the start of a sentence does not make it a respectful thing to say, any more than 'I'm not racist, but...' makes what comes next less racist. I also will decide for myself whether a notice is polite or not.

He doesn't respect you as a person, OP, he's only interested in the packaging. I'd have blocked him.

ANightingale · 13/12/2023 07:43

Reply 'no, I'm not' and see what happens.

This is a form of negging - he's trying to get you into a position where you feel you have to sell yourself to him. I'd have no time at all for silly games like this.

Catlord · 13/12/2023 07:54

Odd with hints of negging.

Surely if he used to fancy you a few years ago and has a chance he asks you out and decides for himself whether he is still keen, not asks you to appraise your physical status to save himself time or hint for pics.

I've come across enough grim male behaviour for this not to be clumsy and sweet and would probably not reply.

TheMiddleLight · 13/12/2023 08:03

Not offensive, just cringy but I'd be blocking after typing Ew. Obviously a lad who's looking for the next 'thing' to hop on to. I have no time for people like that.

He's asking that to know if he should resume where he left off or not bother, like you're some meat on a shelf waiting for him to pick you up.

EvilElsa · 13/12/2023 08:07

Block. He's after photos, guarantee.

Bearbookagainandagain · 13/12/2023 08:12

It sounds like a terrible cringy way to give you a compliment. He is either a d*head, or lacks a bit of social awareness and trying to copy his mates behaviour. I guess only you know which one it is!

HomburgandTrilby · 13/12/2023 08:13

Grimchmas · 13/12/2023 00:07

Sounds hideous to me, like some pornsick creep who loses interest in over 25 year old women because they're "MILF" age 🤮

Yes. Urgh.

phoenixrosehere · 13/12/2023 08:15

It’s rude regardless of intention and the use of the words “respectfully” and “silly”.

If this is what is constituted as flirting now, I’m definitely looking to stay single if something happens to DH. Never would enter my mind to ask such a question especially to someone I haven’t seen in years.

My response would be “Are you?” and see how he responds.

ActDottie · 13/12/2023 08:50

I wouldn’t be offended but he has asked in a very clumsy way, enough to give me the ick

tealightfire · 13/12/2023 08:54

Is he Leonardo Di Caprio