To think that if you’re the white parent of a mixed race child in the U.K., you should educate yourself about race issues and racism?

[Yabberwocky]

Just that, really. You should make an active and consistent effort to inform yourself, try to understand what your child might be dealing with, recognise microaggressions, that sort of thing.

I’ve been musing about my own childhood and upbringing. Wondered what people thought.

@TinyRebel I am confused, in your post you said you know someone who is racist with a mixed child and then proceeded to state 'It’s appalling, but we can’t challenge it because she can’t possibly be racist as she has a black son!'

Was the child mixed raced or black?! You're pretty ignorant yourself if you are calling a mixed raced person black! Do you not know the difference?😅

I am mixed raced and have experienced some racism from black and white people, however I would say rarely (under 5 times). To be honest, most people idolise me and my skin colour/race, which I find slightly odd. Definitely more compliments received for my race than negative.

I think parents of mixed raced people should take the stance of learning about both sides of their kid's heritage and teaching the kids mainly to be equally proud of their heritages and to love themselves.

The parents should read up on racism and race issues but I wouldn't force this topic too much on the kids, as it could create a chip on their shoulder when they may not have had one otherwise. For the parent it is more important to understand as it will allow the parent to deal with/identify a racist situation, should their kids experience one and they can then have that chat when it is required.

Teaching the kid to love themselves in all ways regardless of others opinions is the key to raising a mixed kid in my mind. My mum did this as I have never felt bad about my race!

I’m fairly certain she was quoting the person in question.

@browneyes77 At first glance, your experience doesn’t seem to be far away from what OP is advocating for.

She never said that parents were required to sit their children down and tell them “Your life is going to be horrible because of racism”. Nor did she say that white parents, educating themselves requires going to seminars or reading lots of books. Education that comes from listening to her husband and his family or supporting him when he encountered racism is equally as valid. I imagine what OP is talking about, is having enough of an awareness to not dismiss your feelings when you encountered it, not perpetuate it herself and to participate in both your cultures with you. Some parents and partners ignore race or can participate in racist behaviour.

@UnwantedOpinionBelow if you have a mixed race boy, in particular, you cannot just have a "chat" to them for example about the police after they have been stopped and searched.

Depending on their height, so perceived maturity, you need to make them aware from 9 onwards what they shouldn't wear and what rules of yours they need to obey.

Oh and I've had to explain racism to my DD clearly when she was 4 due to a couple of white women's behaviour towards her. Though we've had encounters since she was a baby with all sorts of people. Funnily enough if we go out with friends of certain ethnicities the crap doesn't happen as it seems other people presume they are her parents.

YABU. All people of all races need to understand that other races have different experiences of life to themselves. Nobody can automatically understand what it's like to be an ethnicity other than their own.

It is the responsibility of both parents to be sensitive to the needs of their mixed race child. Not just white parents. Assuming both are full members of their race, neither of them will have the experience of being mixed race either.

Brave post OP.

Mostly you'll get the usual 'I ONLY experienced racism from Black people' aka White people aren't ever racist, just to cloud your point.

I have a good friend in similar position to you who is NC with his White adopted parents. Complicated situation but mainly he felt once he grew older and was no longer 'the cute curly haired child', they didn't even try to understand the racism he experienced and in fact implied if he came across as calm friendly polite smiley blah blah (to racists..!) it would help. They also completely ignored his heritage. Not the 1st time I've known of such things happening so I do get it.

I hope you can come to a peaceful resolution in your mind

All people of all races need to understand that other races have different experiences of life to themselves. Nobody can automatically understand what it's like to be an ethnicity other than their own.

Yes, joy to the world and kumbaya. Not what’s being discussed here. Which is that if you have a child who is going to experience racism, you should learn about racism so you can support them.

It is the responsibility of both parents to be sensitive to the needs of their mixed race child. Not just white parents. Assuming both are full members of their race, neither of them will have the experience of being mixed race either.

The non-white parent will have firsthand experience of racism and being non-white in a white majority country. The white parent will not. You think it’s unreasonable to suggest that the white parent has some additional learning to do in this area?

My children are white but I do educate them about racism too and empathy.
I think everybody should learn about it.

To be honest, most people idolise me and my skin colour/race

What does this even mean? And what does being ‘complimented for your race’ mean?

For the parent it is more important to understand as it will allow the parent to deal with/identify a racist situation, should their kids experience one and they can then have that chat when it is required.

That’s literally what this post is about.

My mother didn’t specifically go off and learn about what she should do to support me with any racism I may experience. She already knew how to support me as a mother and brought me up to be myself and love myself for who I am.

You suggested that the white parent should ‘educate themselves’.

My point is that some parents don’t need to educate themselves, because they already have common sense, awareness and understanding. They don’t need any further education. That is what I was referring to as a ‘deep dive’.

My mother didn’t specifically go off and learn about what she should do to support me with any racism I may experience. She already knew how to support me as a mother and brought me up to be myself and love myself for who I am.

She learnt at some point, did she not? She wasn’t born with innate knowledge of racism and she didn’t learn through experiencing it. So, she did inform herself. Whether she learnt from observing things that happened to your father, speaking to your father or reading books, yes she did educate herself. Which is what I’m saying parents should do.

I find it very strange that you are arguing otherwise.

I don’t think the hair thing is a big deal tbh. Plenty of mothers are bad at managing their kids hair and it’s common practice in Nigeria and other places for girls to have shaved heads. I don’t think you can criticise people for making their own choices about how to manage their own kids.

In the UK it isn't and hasn't been common for little girls including those with afro hair to have shaved heads.

This is why the hair thing is a big deal in the UK.

It is also why the posters whose white mothers shaved their hair are upset.

It is also different when you are teen or older, and responsible for your own hair.

Is there an argument you are looking at this the wrong way?

If you are white is there not an argument that you should not get into a mixed-race relationship because you can NEVER fully empathize with or support your future child and you should be aware enough about race to know that.

To be clear - obviously I have no problem with mixed sex relationships, but I do think that it is absolutely 100% inevitable that a white parent will always be somewhat unable to fully support their mixed race child, but obviously many make an effort to learn and do a much better job than those who don't.

If a white female child had her hair shaved because her mum couldn’t be bothered to manage it, would you think it was a big deal?

And the people criticising are the people whose heads were shaved. I think they have every right to an opinion on their own childhoods and upbringing. Parents aren’t absolved from criticism of how they manage ‘their own kids’.

As a mixed race child with a white parent I agree. My white mother has said doesn't see colour, whilst that sounds sweet it also doesn't really acknowledge racism. I felt awkward to turn to my mum about racism as a child and I shouldn't have felt like that.

I’m uncomfortable with parents being judged. Most are just doing their best.

my dd is white with straight brown hair. Nothing challenging about it. However, when she was little, I had it cut really short because I didn’t want it going in her eyes or her food and didn’t want to spend time with clips or bands or anything. Sometimes hair is just practicality, not a lack of education.

Is there an argument you are looking at this the wrong way?

What way is that?

If you are white is there not an argument that you should not get into a mixed-race relationship because you can NEVER fully empathize with or support your future child and you should be aware enough about race to know that.

Not being able to fully empathise doesn’t mean you are incapable of educating yourself about racism and racial issues, which is what I think should happen.

but obviously many make an effort to learn and do a much better job than those who don't.

Precisely. So what is it you’re disagreeing with?

Not all parents do their best and some parents’ best simply wasn’t very good. Either in its entirety, or with regards to specific things. Their kids are entitled to recognise and address that.

As a parent you will always be judged whether people including your own children think, in general, you are a good parent or not.

I doubt the posters stating their mothers' cutting their hair have straight brown hair. Afro and very curly hair acts differently from straight brown hair.

100% this.

My son has been 6’4 since he was 14. He is a teddy bear, but he has always looked mature for his age and we already know the adultification of black & mixed race children is real. My husband had ‘the police conversation’ with him in year 6, when he was getting ready to go to secondary school, and then again several times over the years. I joined in, but it was led by his Dad. I suppose if I was a single parent I would have had to have it on my own to prepare him.

On the ‘positive reactions’ to being mixed race noted by another poster above…by you often find that they also come from a place of dodgy ideas about race? My DD (now 15) does a massive eye roll at people who gush about her ‘exotic looks’ and want to touch her ‘gorgeous curls’. She gives a pass to old ladies, but otherwise she isn’t going to be happy and feel complimented by it. She actively avoids boys who ‘like light skin or mixed girls’.

That was my point - my dd's straight brown hair is the same as mine and does not present any particular difficulty/need special treatment. I still kept it short because I valued practicality - no clips, bands, not in eyes and not in food. Are mothers of kids with Afro hair not allowed to do similar to what I did to be practical?

If this is similar to what you’re doing to your daughter, then it’s not ‘allowed’ for either you or mothers of kids with afro hair. It’s awful and traumatic.

If it’s not similar, then stop trying to draw false parallels. It’s whataboutery and profoundly disrespectful to the women who have shared their experiences.

I had to have my hair very short as a child because my mum refused to deal with it, and then when I grew it longer as a teenager she refused to take me to a hairdresser to get it trimmed and wouldn't let me buy appropriate products for it. She insisted I used the same products she used for her very fine blonde straight hair.

It took me years as an adult to give myself permission to go to an appropriate hairdresser, to buy the right products, to deal with my hair correctly. Even now if I wear it curly I get negative comments from my family about how it looks every single time.