To think that if you’re the white parent of a mixed race child in the U.K., you should educate yourself about race issues and racism?

[Yabberwocky]

Just that, really. You should make an active and consistent effort to inform yourself, try to understand what your child might be dealing with, recognise microaggressions, that sort of thing.

I’ve been musing about my own childhood and upbringing. Wondered what people thought.

I’m surprised by some of the comments here and the yabu %.

I’m white, I don’t have mixed race children, but I think it is important to educate myself and my child on racism, the lived experiences of colleagues, friends, neighbours. I would think it even more important if my child was mixed race and likely to have a different lived experience to me, if not throughout their life consistently, but at certain points, because skin colour is still an issue for many in the society we live in.

As it is, my focus is making sure that my child doesn’t become the child who robs another of their childhood innocence because they have said something racist.

I wonder that too. He's Kikuyu and grew up pretty privileged. A lot of people from other tribes have quite negative feelings about the Kikuyu even today
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Re my elder son and racism I have wondered if we've let him down and if he thinks racism is only about being called offensive names because we've failed to give him a true and broader understanding if that makes sense.

But my husband has always been completely opposed to doing that, saying like I said that we'll teach them to see racism everywhere.

I am acutely aware of the dangers of white privilege and I worry that if I disrespect my husband's strong views on this that I am acting like I as a white person knows more than he does even though I have benefitted in so many ways all my life from a system set up to benefit some and actively block others. Then I wonder am I doing the just as irritating navel gazing and hand wringing and look at me thing when it's actually not about me or how I feel or how I view things.
Then he tells me see, this is what I'm talking about, you're creating problems.

I agree, OP. I’m a white parent of mixed race children. I’ve tried really hard (and will always keep trying) to see things through my children’s eyes and educate myself about issues that affect them as mixed race young people (now both teens) and the issues that they care about.

There are some things I’ll never truly be able to understand about their experience, and for that they have their Dad and black and mixed race family and friends. I think it must be very hard for those mixed race kids growing up with their white parent & family only. It must be hard growing up in a white area. My kids have grown up in an area where they are definitely not in the minority. Most of their friends are black or mixed race, so they have peers with a shared experience. My husband came from Jamaica to a majority white area as a kid and it was brutal.

How is that a response to my comment?

Actually, having mixed race friends has been very important to my dd. She is the only mixed race person in our family, and there are aspects of the mixed race/dual heritage experience that neither her dad nor I have experienced directly. We both try to understand, obviously, and I have learnt a great deal from our many conversations on this issue. However, I think dd has found it immensely helpful to have mixed race friends who just "get it" without her needing to explain. I am truly grateful that she has had that.

Interestingly, she has a couple of friends who are exactly the same mix as she is, and a few who are a completely different mix, and it doesn't seem to matter that much either way...it is the experience of having a foot in two cultures and two ethnicities that seems to be important for her, rather than the specific combination of cultures.

I think things would have been a whole lot harder for her without those friends who share that experience.

My kids are mixed race (Asian / white) and we have had many conversations about racism. One of my children looks like he is full Asian and the other like you can only just tell she’s not fully white. Thankfully we live in a multi cultural area and no racism of note. My eldest is taking advantage of schemes aimed at mixed race / ethnic minorities for work / interns etc. I mean he qualifies but I think he’s experienced more positivity for being none white than negativity. They do embrace their Asian culture and are close to cousins on dads side too. I think overall being mixed race has been positive for them

It's like anything though, if you don't have lived experience about something you often don't think to educate yourself about it. Then again, some parents just cba or don't think it's necessary. One of my dc is deaf and we went to (free) classes, which we were signposted to after the diagnosis. I assumed every parent in this situation would do so, but that is very much not the case. Some just simply don't see the point, or don't feel it is their responsibility as its a 'medical' thing.

Actually, having mixed race friends has been very important to my dd. She is the only mixed race person in our family, and there are aspects of the mixed race/dual heritage experience that neither her dad nor I have experienced directly. We both try to understand, obviously, and I have learnt a great deal from our many conversations on this issue. However, I think dd has found it immensely helpful to have mixed race friends who just "get it" without her needing to explain. I am truly grateful that she has had that.

That makes a lot of sense.

@IncompleteSenten if you already know how he feels about the matter, from a pre-emptive perspective, you have already demonstrated that he will be able to talk to you about it should the need arise. In your situation the best approach might be reactive. Also racism is so rooted in the social I’m assuming they might understand the more insidious aspects better with experience. Maybe from a pre-emptive perspective, focusing on making sure there is an equally positive view of both of their heritages is enough.

Family of mn
If a white man and black dad seems soooo apathetic, where do you stand if white dad doesn't acknowledge racial difereneces?

I'm a white mother of a mixed race child, well grown woman now! Having a black partner for years before dd was born exposed me to racism and made me really understand and experience it in a way I never had before.

I was living in Brixton, late 90s. My social life, friendships and workplace were very diverse. I despised racism in all it's forms. I thought I got it.

But the comments and looks and attitudes dd's dad and I received over the years were eye opening to say the least! Some white Police officers were particularly charming I remember!

When dd was born it continued in a different way. I was very wary of taking dd out without her hair done as I felt judged as "one of those white mothers who can't look after her dd's hair." I was educated by our lived experience.

I've always told dd I will never know exactly how she feels but I can listen and support and help.

I've made sure she has people in her life who do know exactly how she feels and they are there for her when she needs that shared experience I simply can't give her.

It takes a village...

I agree that I learnt a lot about racism as a result of living with a partner who wasn't white. I thought I was reasonably aware of it before I met him, but my eyes were definitely opened. Having a mixed race dd then further added to my understanding but I'm definitely still learning!

I have so many similarities to your story.
I wasn’t allowed to go to the hairdresser- my grandma cut my !
’crazy hair ‘.
My brother laughs at my curls and asked me if I was trying to be ‘ a black sister ‘ and laughed!!!!
My husband has had to spend so many hours giving me the confidence to wear my hair curly ! Today I went to an interview with curls ! Absolutely huge for me . I’m month curly and I’m so happy. I’m now buying curly products and am discovering how to look after my curls at 34!

I wanted to say to you that you are beautiful and worthy and May your curls roam free ! Xxx thank you for sharing your experience.

I've tried to talk to DS1 (7) about racism but we've been very fortunate and he's never experienced any that I or he have noticed so I think it's still very abstract for him - a bit like when I try to talk about sexism and he talks about how women couldn't be nurses in the Victorian times (they studied Florence Nightingale recently).

His class is very multicultural and ethnicity only tends to come up in nice ways like "what do you call your grandparents" or who went to what country over the holiday to visit relatives.

It is invidious and prejudiced to imply that one race alone should be held responsible for tracking race awareness.
The op raises a good point that children of mixed relationships may suffer racism, xenophobia, hate and prejudice. It is the duty of both parents to make their children aware of the threats and dangers as well as what to be aware of, but also what to be around of from both cultures.
It is regrettable that some members of some groups enjoy feeling they are the ultimate victim - this teaches the wrong values and destroys trust, harmony and peaceful coexistence.

Racism, xenophobia and hate exist in the UK. It not unique to the UK, and from countless surveys and evidential investigations there are many many countries where it is far worse.

Yes I really do - and I think that there's some things that a white mum or dad will never be able to understand about their mixed race child's experiences and feelings

I'm mixed race and at school, non-white students were racist towards me. Every race should be educated on racism.

It is invidious and prejudiced to imply that one race alone should be held responsible for tracking race awareness.

Nobody has said that they should. However, in the context being discussed, the non-white parent already knows about racism, generally first hand. The white parent may not.

Racism, xenophobia and hate exist in the UK. It not unique to the UK, and from countless surveys and evidential investigations there are many many countries where it is far worse.

So what? What’s your point? People experiencing it in the U.K. should count their blessings, as it could be worse?

Yes, some people from some groups really do like feeling like they’re the ultimate victim. It’s regrettable that they can be so fragile they demand minorities stay silent and tolerate injustice so they can live happily with the fiction there is trust, harmony and peaceful coexistence.

I’m mixed race.

My white mom always focussed on pushing me to be myself, stand up for myself and not take any shit. And to understand that people who had any issue with my skin colour, were the ones with the problem and to call them out on it and cut people like that out of my life.

She didn’t need to educate herself further on racism. She knows what racism is. She is in an interracial marriage.

What she did instead, was made sure that I grew up a strong woman who didn’t tolerate any shit, racist or otherwise. She raised me to advocate for myself.

And as far as I’m concerned she did everything right and did a good job.

I’m close to both sides of my family. Understand the heritage of both sides of my family. And am proud of all of my heritage.

This is similar to my situation except my DH is Asian and was born and raised in the UK. He has said that he doesn't think racism is a big issue in the UK, that it's never held him back and that he doesn't want our DD to be primed to see herself as a victim. He simply does not care about it as an issue at all and will roll his eyes if it comes up. He's also (affectionately) laughed at me for "white guilt". I can't exactly tell him that he's wrong and that is he oppressed, and that our DD will be oppressed too.

FIL experienced racism as a child in the UK and sees it differently. Ironically, FIL is the only person in the family who makes overtly racist comments (about Muslims and black people).

I have no idea what my DD's experiences will be as she grows up or what she'll make of it all. She seems to be 'white passing' so I doubt she'll experience racism the way other people in this thread have, but I worry she will feel disconnected from her asian heritage as the in laws live abroad, DH isn't teaching her Punjabi and we aren't practicing their religion.

I couldn’t agree more.

This is precisely how my parents approached it.

That’s excellent for you. There are literally mixed race posters (multiple, not just one) on this thread whose white mothers chopped off their ‘wild’ hair because they couldn’t be bothered to learn to do it. Perhaps step outside your experience and recognise that a lot of mixed kids have had a bit of a shit time because their white parent didn’t make the necessary effort.

Perhaps read my post properly.

I am speaking about my personal experience only and why I felt my mother’s approach was the right one.

How other parents choose to approach it is up to them. The point is, it’s not a one size fits all and different approaches also work. Not every white parent has to do a deep dive into racism to support their child, as the OP suggests.

I think they should try to understand what their child will be dealing with and support them to do so. The fact that you don’t seem to recognise that this is what you’ve deathbed your mother as doing is interesting.

I’m also really not seeing the need for the dismissive ‘deep dive into racism’ comment. But, okay.