To think that if you’re the white parent of a mixed race child in the U.K., you should educate yourself about race issues and racism?

[Yabberwocky]

Just that, really. You should make an active and consistent effort to inform yourself, try to understand what your child might be dealing with, recognise microaggressions, that sort of thing.

I’ve been musing about my own childhood and upbringing. Wondered what people thought.

Oh dear OP, it’s impossible to have a discussion about race on MN without someone saying “what about white people?” (or words to that effect) and I see that’s already happened.

YANBU. Of course white patents of mixed race kids need to have an understanding of the issues they might face. I am one of those parents and I am well aware that since they are white passing, they (and I) have had a pretty easy ride. Their dad has faced the odd incident, namely people not thinking they are his children.

It is absolutely so important. A bit different for me my Mum is mixed race and my dad is Arabic. Some of the extended family on my dads side don’t like my mum because she is black and also then don’t like myself. I have unfortunately have heard some of the comments made in Arabic about my Mum and (sometimes me) and it hurts but my dad calls them out and has cut them off.
Obviously my dad is not white so not the same point as your initial post OP .

My Nana is white and my Grandad is black (mums parents) My Nana always was aware of racism towards my mum, called it out, taught her about it etc. Mum grew up, up North in the 50’s 60’s it wasn’t easy for her.

Yes - 100% agree with you. From your post it sounds like you didn't have a parent who educated themselves on the difficulties you faced and weren't much of an ally when you needed them. Which much have been really difficult.

I grew up in the 80/90s and the racial micro aggressions, often from white people who would never have considered themselves 'racist', make me cringe when I think back. So can't even imagine what it would do to your mental health to have lived them (am only talking about what I saw in my very working class, poor, predominantly white inner city town).

I hope this look to your past is helping you heal and feel more at peace.

I am white. My daughter is mixed race. When she was born the comments from the other side of the family were terrible.

I've only ever experienced racism from black people

Well obviously people that think like that are pretty crappy parents. Any decent parent would do this for any aspect that their child may face (disability etc)

Great if that's true. Did you ever think maybe they never told you? Most people don't actually take about it

That is one of the loveliest, kindest comments that I’ve ever read on here. Thank you.

'my best friend is mixed race and has been for over 25 years'.

What a strange thing to say.
Would you ever say 'I have been white for 32 years'?!

I imagine it's just poorly worded and she means they've been friends for 25 years. This is far from the most troubling part of that particular comment.

My school friend was mixed race. White mum, black Dad. She suffered awful racism from black pupils. Nobody seems to care about the other side of do they

Absolutely. Or deny that it happens. The most racist awful abuse I’ve experienced has been from black people. But people will not believe you when you say it. Many of my mixed race friends and family have experienced the same kind of thing.

In my experience - my kids black side is more involved in their lives than their white side... I'd say the black side is more accepting.. as their cousins are also mixed race. Their white side is just simply white marrying white.

Mum of mixed race children. Yes, it definitely works both ways. The book Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race really helped me understand the liminal space my children are in if they feel like they don’t fully belong whether in terms of their English or African heritage. My eldest worries about cultural appropriate with braids, for instance. I recommend.

YANBU Prior to being a white parent of mixed race children, I was naive about the extent of the racism children encounter at secondary school. It's constant in our area. Worryingly, the attitude that 'racism doesn't go on at our school' has been a huge barrier. It has taken over two years to succeed in getting racist abuse acknowledged and taken seriously. Only now is a serious attempt being made to tackle it but it feels like fighting the tide. Social media fuels the fire. Educating myself about racism and racist attitudes has been critical in order to support my children's wellbeing.

I’m mixed and have had judgement from both white and the non white side of my ethnicity . Including a load of lads who I thought were going to jump my white BF now DH because he was with one of ‘their’ women. That was awful and it was in Birmingham so very multi cultural.

Of course racism exists it’s acknowledged in this house but it doesn’t define my family if that makes sense. Just like I’m fine living in a very white area. I get the safety in numbers feeling that some may like and I do have to travel bloody miles to buy some ethnic food items. But honestly though I have experienced racism many times as a child I just think you have to be careful focussing on it. The whole what shade are my babies malarkey hit the media with MM kicking off, I can say right now everyone on all sides of the family was interested.

I suppose people can try and understand and empathise but obviously they will never ever truly know what it is like to walk a mile in whatever shoes whatever other type of human is wearing.

I'm not speaking for the OP here but I think that this kind of thing (difficulty fitting in with certain black people, being unsure about where you belong and what your identity is, being treated as black by white people but not black by black people) is part of the 'educating about race and racism' that white patents of mixed race kids need to be doing. It's not just about understanding how they will experience racism from white people, it's the whole experience, which includes what you describe.

Your comment actually shows why you need educating.

1, get over the “my best friend is this…so I couldn’t be racist”. We’re all tired of that line 😂 A few ex friends with have had racist attitudes and opinions over the years. Many people can be ignorant and still be friends with someone from that community…you and your friend can be used as an example here…

2, As far as we were all concerned we were all just the same. Flesh and blood.

Whilst this may be the case, not everyone is treated as such. I very much doubt you could see and recognise a microagression or understand other forms of racism and racial bias that people face everyday. Your inability to see this demonstrates why you need educating.

YANBU I have 3 mixed race children and I am very conscious of this. 2 are older teens and to my knowledge they have experienced more racism than their older sister but I can't quite work out if this is gender related, due to being in a different school or a different generation or possibly as she isn't a different religion like the boys are. DD doesn't talk about it and just gets on with life.

There are times when the boys have experienced outright racism (ie asked why they don't have a 'normal' name). The school has a higher than average level of ethnic diversity and is good at raising awareness and dealing with issues. However I am aware that as a ww I am not always aware of what they might be faced with and how what some see as a normal interaction might make them feel. I talk to them regularly and ask how they feel about topical issues and what attitudes their peers have. I try to get a better understanding of the impact it has on them. I think it is important to be led by them on this as it isn't something I can ever experience myself.

Yes I think they should research the experience of being mixed as well and how either community might treat them. Their siblings born to the same set of parents might have a different experience as it can be that each sibling presents more towards one parent's ethnicity, some might not look mixed at all or very subtly.
The issue with knowing how to deal with black hair for example comes up in black dad white mum couples. I think there is more awareness and resources nowadays to understand better though.

I think more insidious aspects like the fetishisation of mixed race people need calling out too. From pregnancy, it was comments like “Your ‘caramel’ baby is going to be so beautiful.” People think they’re just being nice but I found it surprisingly uncomfortable when I can usually take someone’s lack of education on something with a pinch of salt. So this is something parents of mixed race children will need to educate them about too when they’re an appropriate age of course. As an aside, pre kids I’ll never forget a work night out years ago when a colleague I was friendly with asked me if my husband (then my boyfriend) was big in a certain department. I was able to laugh off such rudeness and racial stereotyping - mostly in shock - before I became a mother but I’ll challenge it now.

I also have mixed race children with an Asian man. I have heard utterly horrific things from his family and friends about black and Chinese people. I used to be too stunned to speak but now I just shout at them. What kind of books etc do you think we should read op to educate ourselves?
Unfortunately my kids dad wouldn’t be involved as he doesn’t care about their development but I am happy to do anything to help them.

I agree. Homophobia and sexism are also massive problems in schools and most of the attitudes come directly from the parents. Being a mixed race, gay teenage girl must be must be really tough.

It’s been my experience that actual, proper racism in the UK is very rare. Or should I say was.

I think all the hyper focus on race, on socially enforcing us all into out strict little tribes who all experience or act the same way, is making actual racism worse. In all races of people.

I genuinely think we were slowly moving towards a healthier place in the 80’s/90’s. The focus was more on how we were all more similar than different to each other.

Though there do seem to be many now who attribute anything negative that ever happens to them as racism. Rather than realising people don’t really care that much about others these days.

‘That woman cut me up because I am Asian’

’That man was rude to me because I am black’

When you insist on seeing the world through a lens of race constantly it is going to warp your view.