Daughter not invited to wedding

[Tinogirl]

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year.
She lives entirely with us.
Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

Didn’t read a single follow up beyond the OP.

Weddings - there is no ‘rule’ on invites, the bride and groom invite who they want and that’s that. We invited half of one set of cousins to ours as we simply didn’t like one of them and had no real relationship.

Their wedding, their rules. Your only option is to not go yourself but not to ask for another invite!

Highlighting the bond she shares with both him and his cousin's family could also emphasise why her presence would add value to the occasion.

Or it could emphasise the fact that his own daughter is excluded from his family in favour of his wife and her child and again make her feel like she has to share her dad with a non related child even on special occasions.

OP wasn’t too worried about the negative effect of her own wedding on her husbands own child who wasn’t yet integrated into their family relationship so it seems like double standards for her to push for an invitation for her daughter now.

I think this thread has taken odd turn. In every other step parent thread everyone says it's on the actual parent to make the effort with their child. But here, adults are actually saying it's cool to penalise another child who has no say in their family set up. Absolutely disgusting.

Not on OP to do the work to maintain her husbands relationship with his daughter, that's on him.

Also not fair to penalise another child who equally has no say in their parents relationship.

Cannot believe adults are actually fine with the way OP's child is being treated, as if it's some sort of payback.

You’re right, it’s not on OP to maintain the relationship between DH and his biological daughter, but you would hope that OP would have some sympathy towards the biological daughter and the capability to understand why this decision has been made regarding the wedding invites if it is about doing what is best for DH’s biological daughter.

OP may feel put out, but she’s an adult and surely she should understand how the feelings of a 10 year old, who feels she has been replaced by her father, are the priority.

OP’s child isn’t being treated badly though, she’s just not been invited to a wedding. It’s not that big a deal, and if she is upset by it then her own mum can show support by doing something else with her that day. It won’t do her any favours to be shoehorned into a wedding she’s not involved in.

For all we know, OP could still be upset about it if her dd was invited but not asked to be a bridesmaid like her husband’s daughter.

These are the problems that adults create when they try to blend families when it’s not the best interests of their children. It is sad that children have to pay the price for adults to have what they want.

@SheIsStuck23 you don't know the politics of Op's husband's family. You don't know the reason why the daughter hasn't been invited. I also don't think OP's daughter will be oblivious to what's happened. So no I don't think the op should just sit back and be understanding I think it's intended to be an obvious snub to her daughter and I don't see how any one would see it any other way

I don’t think anyone is saying it is right to not invite the whole family. But this isn’t a family unit. That’s presumably obvious and awkward for others to understand.

The people who need to reflect the most are the parents. It’s should not have gotten to this stage. It should have been dealt with years ago. If they focus on anything it should be resolving the problems in their nuclear family.

Nor do you have any idea about the politics of OP’s husband’s family.

Your theory and point of view is no more valid than mine.

You have your opinion, I have mine, and many other posters have theirs.

None of us have a clue what the cousin’s intentions and reasons are.

We are all just theorising so I have no idea why you think your opinion is the correct one over everybody else’s.

@SheIsStuck23 I haven't created a theory, I just expressed an opinion on what Op said. You and others here have created a theory as to why it might be happening.

This.

Hopefully it's an oversight but if not he could jog on. How hurtful.

It's not just about the bride though is it? It's about the groom who presumably doesn't want to damage his relationship with people he cares about.

*Tinogirl · Yesterday 21:56

Money and space isn’t an issue. DH is good to my daughter but doesn’t see why his cousin would see her as a niece but he sees my child more than the one who is a bridesmaid*

Whilst it is their wedding and their choice it is very short sighted to not invite your dd
What are Family Christmases, Birthdays, parties and days out etc going to look like going forward.
It doesn’t really matter what title the groom views your dd as in relationship to him, your dd is his cousins step daughter and is living as part of his cousin’s family

If your dh is excusing this lack of invite then I don’t think you have a wedding invitation problem, you have a dh problem

I would actually question how your dh actually views your dd because I don’t think he is looking at her and seeing his step daughter, someone who is part of his family.

Yes, it is up to the parents to manage their relationships with their own children.

it’s up to the bride and groom to manage the guestlist for their own wedding too. I doubt that the consequences of OP being mad about them not inviting her daughter is something they’re quaking in fear to contemplate.

Not sure if cousin's (second?! ) wife's daughter makes it to the cut-off list of expensive/limited-room wedding invites!

‘Presumably’ why? The invitation has been sent by the couple without OP’s DD’s name on it, and it sounds like OP’s DH has accepted that. What damage has been done to which relationship that you think the groom is going to care about?

I also wonder if DD would even have a clue about what's going on (or be bothered) if it hadn't been for OP stoking up the situation with "it's disgusting" / "it's outrageous" / "no daughter of mine" comments...

This. Describing the stepdaughter almost as if she's a a cold unfeeling adult who won't just be a nice sister of the daughter. She 'lost' her dad at 5 and one of the adults in the situation is mad because she won't play house with the new family.

I can't blame the cousin for trying to make her feel a bit special, and I think it's a shame that OP is trying to make that all about the daughter as well.

FloweryName · Today 06:40

fulawitt · Today 06:33

I would be upset. You are a family unit. And I would ask as well.

They’re not a family unit though, at least not one that works. The man is this situation a has a child of his own who is already excluded because he chose to put his own desires before her

Yes they are a family unit and whether the father in this hasn’t made an effort with blending his non resident child into this unit isn’t Tino’s dd’s fault so why single her out.

All leaving this little girl out does is confirm that she isn’t part of this family and if she isn’t part of the family then neither is her mum and if her mum isn’t part of this family then family parties, christmas’s aren’t going to include them.

A wedding is one day and whilst B&G can decide on who they invite for that one day they have to realise that unless they are scrupulously fair then the fall out can affect the larger family for ever.

Leaving one or two people out will just confirm that those people aren’t in their family so family events will have these families left out. Equally family events from the left out families won’t include the B&G and anyone who thought it was fair for them to be left out

I have seen families permanently split because of one non invite.

I am wondering whether the step fathers dd is the one who insisted that her fathers step daughter was left out otherwise she wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid.

I get the impression that this girl gets everything her own way and has never been pushed to step outside her comfort zone

The drip feed about her dh's daughter who hates visiting, casts a whole different light on the matter.The op's own invite ia purely to be civil
I think you would be pretty tonedeaf to attend.

I think they were thoughtless in how they arranged the invitations. I would have thought anyone with any common sense would understand that excluding one person from a family unit is going to cause issues, especially when it comes to one child be invited and not another.

Of course it is up to the bride and groom to invite whoever they want, but you would have thought they would have arranged invitations in a way so as to not cause upset.

If it were me in Ops shoes I think if they are generally nice kind people DH could mention the issue to them in an open way and maybe resolve it. If they are not likely to be receptive then I’d probably choose to not attend with my child and leave my DH to attend with his child and rsvp no for childcare reasons.

I wouldn't chase for an invitation for dd either, but I would decline the invitation myself, just saying that you don't feel that you can go if your dd is the only child not invited. It would feel odd not to invite the permanent resident step-child of a close family member because she isn't blood. There have been few adopted and foster children and step children amongst friends and family, and no one has ever turned them away because they aren't blood.

The groom and the OP's husband are close so I don't see why the groom would want to upset him..

If the OP's husband is OK with his stepdaughter being excluded then she has a DH problem.

OP,

Your update changed things for me, too. @LemonTT and others make good points, without excusing the present rudeness to your DD.

Your DSD was a very little girl when you got together with her daddy. It must have been awful for her to see your DD, of the same age, moving in with him. I’m sure you tried to welcome her but was she really welcome? A period of bad behaviour was only expectable and from what you’ve told us the situation does sound like it merits that awful word toxic.

Being on a regular visitation timetable is the norm, not her mum being lazy or demanding. It is in DSD’s best interest.

This was no fault of your DD and it is wrong that she bears the fallout now. But perhaps the family is being (overly) protective of DSD for a reason.