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Original poster

Daughter not invited to wedding

501 replies

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 21:32

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year.
She lives entirely with us.
Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

OP posts:
Oriunda · 13/12/2023 06:58

I agree with (seemingly the) minority here. Amongst everyone demanding that a child be invited to her stepfather’s cousin’s wedding, there is another child in this story. A young girl who has to see her father living with his new family and with another young girl. She’s uncomfortable enough with this situation that she doesn’t want to stay in this other home, and doesn’t want a relationship with this child.

A family occasion is coming up. She’s been invited to be bridesmaid. Then she finds out that this other child who, in her eyes, already has the benefit of living with her own father, is going to be turning up. She’s only 10, and clearly there is a back story here. It might not be right, but this little girl probably wants one day where she has her father to herself, surrounded by her wider family.

Obviously the cousin will choose to make this little girl feel comfortable, so if he has to choose, he will choose his cousin’s daughter over his cousin’s stepdaughter. It doesn’t make the cousin the baddy.

Unfortunately, the OP’s family hasn’t successfully blended yet; how can it be blended when her DH daughter refuses to stay with them?

WillowTit · 13/12/2023 07:01

3peassuit · 12/12/2023 22:43

It’s their wedding and their choice but I wouldn’t go if my child was excluded and othered in this way.

same here

Advicerequest · 13/12/2023 07:03

Oh! I see! There's an even bigger back story with his own child which is likely affecting the invites. Probably Your cousins attempt to give your husbands daughter a stress free special day and time with her dad. I get it - but it's not a solution as it comes as the cost of hurting your child/his step-daughter.

Your husband at the very least needs to discuss and acknowledge all this with the cousin and with you,
acknowledge that it is born out of a situation that needs to improve - and then commit to Improving the relations in his incompletely blended family. If your step daughter can't come you can't really go, but this needs ti be discussed and the reasons made clear to the husband, cousin etx.

LolaSmiles · 13/12/2023 07:05

i would be extremely hurt and concerned that my husband did not immediately get on the phone to his cousin and explain that he can't (In fairness, in decency) take all the children apart from his step daughter, as doing so will send such a strong message that she isn't part of the family.

Under normal circumstances if agree, but this is a man who has accepted his daughter not being blended into his new family unit. An overnight once a month with her father at grandparents and a couple of visits a week knowing your dad is happy with that because he gets to keep his partner and step kid is going to hurt a child.

If he did what you suggest he's only going to be showing his daughter what she probably already knows: that he's willing to fight and prioritise his new partner's child and not her.

Katemax82 · 13/12/2023 07:09

My stepson is getting married in 2 years. Every kid in the family except my youngest son is invited so I'm not going (as its abroad). These situations are really annoying as the bride and groom can just say "my wedding my choice " but don't realise the upset it causes. You could refuse to go if your daughter can't go

brokenhairclips · 13/12/2023 07:10

Your husband has a biological daughter who is 10 years old, so a similar age to your daughter.

The fact that your husband didn't have much of a relationship with his daughter's mother doesn't make any difference.
For some reason his daughter doesn't feel comfortable being with her father with you and your daughter and doesn't spend time in his home.

Essentially your daughter( through no fault of her own obviously) has taken the biological daughter's place .

Possibly if the cousin acknowledges this dynamic he may want to let his niece have this experience without having to feel once again a spare part. The fact that she is a bridesmaid makes me think this even more.

MrsMarzetti · 13/12/2023 07:12

I think they are being bloody awful. Ask if your child is the only one on the family that is excluded, if she is don't bother going.

Daisydoor12 · 13/12/2023 07:15

I would feel upset too but their wedding their choice. I’d just decline my invite saying no childcare (or just decline) and have a lovely day with DD, while DH and his DD go to the wedding. I also wouldn’t want to take my DD to an event where she clearly isn’t wanted.

TroysMammy · 13/12/2023 07:15

Your daughter wouldn't be a niece to a cousin, nieces are for aunties and uncles. I've got loads of cousins and my sister's daughter, my niece, is just another 2nd, 3rd, once or twice removed or whatever cousin.

Savedpassword · 13/12/2023 07:19

YANBU. This pick and mix approach to blended families is so frustrating and potentially damaging. But unfortunately even though there are more and more children impacted by relationship break ups, there are more and more adults who fail to recognise the importance of prioritising the childrens emotional wellbeing by ensuring inclusivity and equal treatment. Too many selfish, shitty adults are having too much of an impact on children who have had no choice about becoming part of a blended family ( and I speak as a mum, a step mum, the mother of children with step parents AND as a step daughter)

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 07:20

Sodndashitall · 12/12/2023 21:49

DH needs to speak with his cousin and explain that this is awkward as his DSD lives with them full time and so it seems very rude not to invite her.

This.

It's not about having a child free wedding because this isn't a child free wedding.

Inviting one and excluding another child from the same family is really shitty behaviour. It's hurtful for the child and puts the adults in a difficult position.

This thread will be full of people saying, "Their wedding, their choice." Well, yes, to an extent, but also no. You can choose to behave in a shitty way if you want to but you have to face up to the consequences of your shitty behaviour in terms of how it inevitably damages your relationship with the people you have upset.

But perhaps they don't realise this is shitty behaviour, which is why the OP's husband should politely raise this with his cousin and explain how his family will feel if his stepdaughter is the only one not invited.

MollyButton · 13/12/2023 07:22

To be honest unless your daughter really is one of those "hates weddings/parties" children, I would understand your upset.
My solution would be to decline for yourself, and for you and your daughter to go and do something nicer that she will really enjoy.

MiddleParking · 13/12/2023 07:23

arewedoneyet · 13/12/2023 06:35

@SerafinasGoose i completely agree it entirely depends on how strongly OP wants to make the point.

Also, the flip side of the approach 'they're wedding, they're approach' is that it will absolutely taint everyone's relationship going forward and not sure they've appreciated that (or cared).

Well yeah, they probably don’t really care, especially the bride who I suspect will be the one managing the guest list and budget. I can think of several of DH’s cousin’s partners who I’ve socialised with and really like, including ones who came to our wedding and who have been to our house - but if any of them ever kicked off and there was bad feeling it would be no loss to me tbh. OP really isn’t likely to have many levers to pull here other than her and her daughter not going and not investing any of her own time and effort into a relationship with this couple going forward, which they’ll probably be fine with.

arewedoneyet · 13/12/2023 07:26

@MiddleParking I think if they do think as you did, then that makes them pretty shitty to be fair. No idea why weddings make people think they have fair game to be vile. OP would be right not to waste her or her daughters time with them re the wedding and going forward.

MikeRafone · 13/12/2023 07:31

It could well be there is some family politics going on here, we just don’t know.

having the best man and his dd as bridesmaid may be a plot to help them have some father daughter memories - for all we know

its purely a guess

if the other girl isn’t invited, maybe let it go and don’t go yourself op and have a bit of mum daughter time instead

agentcooperinthewhitelodge · 13/12/2023 07:31

Prinnny · 12/12/2023 21:49

Their wedding, their choice. They may only want blood family children there. You can’t dictate to them how their wedding should be.

By this rationale, OP shouldn't go, doesn't need to send a present or card then. After all, she's not "blood" is she?

MikeRafone · 13/12/2023 07:33

By this rationale, OP shouldn't go, doesn't need to send a present or card then. After all, she's not "blood" is she?

no need to send a gift if not attending a wedding, I didn’t receive gifts from a couple of people who couldn’t attend my wedding

Daniyalkhatrioffical · 13/12/2023 07:36

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SheIsStuck23 · 13/12/2023 07:36

I imagine this is all about protecting the feelings of his biological daughter. It sounds like she really struggles with you being married to her dad and the fact your daughter has effectively replaced her and it’s understandable why she’d be feeling hurt about all of that.

Maybe the cousin thinks that your DH’s biological daughter would be more relaxed and have more fun if she just could have her dad to herself for the day, rather than have to watch him spending time with your daughter instead.

Your husband probably knows the reason for SD’s non-invite is because his biological daughter’s feelings are being put first, but he doesn’t know how to tell you.

Yes it is crap for your daughter so I would decline the invitation and go out and have a really nice day with her, but, please do consider that maybe this is all about what is best for his biological daughter and how it might be nice for her to be her dad’s priority for once and have some quality time with him for a change without feeling the “odd one out” to your family.

InWalksBarberalla · 13/12/2023 07:36

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 22:43

My stepdaughter refuses to sleep here I could count on two hands how often she has and doesn’t really have a relationship with my daughter who has tried pathetically to be ‘sisters’. When she is here she has very good manners and is polite but clearly has no interest in us.
DH wasn’t really in a relationship with her mother. She will definitely not be at wedding. She is annoyed he moved in as stepdaughter won’t stay here so she doesn’t get a set time when she is alone. DH sees his daughter two or three times a week and about once a month stays at mother in law’s with her.

I'm really struggling with just how awful this post is - you are talking about a girl who would have been 5 when her dad moved in with you.
Did her mum actually say that she is upset because she doesn't get a set time off, or because her daughter's dad prioritised his girlfriend and her daughter over his own daughter and she has to see the emotional harm that has done to her daughter. Seriously how do you not have a major issue with his crapness as a father?

SpongeBob2022 · 13/12/2023 07:45

I absolutely despair at threads like this and the third of people who think you are unreasonable. Honestly I really fear for humanity if this is reflective of views in real life.

I have no issue with childfree weddings but that doesn't apply to this post.

I dont think you can dictate to someone who they invite to their wedding. And of course people are entitled to invite who they like. But that doesn't make it morally right. Or mean there are no consequences of what is (IMO) nasty and quite shocking behaviour.

commonsense61 · 13/12/2023 07:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

notlucreziaborgia · 13/12/2023 07:50

SpongeBob2022 · 13/12/2023 07:45

I absolutely despair at threads like this and the third of people who think you are unreasonable. Honestly I really fear for humanity if this is reflective of views in real life.

I have no issue with childfree weddings but that doesn't apply to this post.

I dont think you can dictate to someone who they invite to their wedding. And of course people are entitled to invite who they like. But that doesn't make it morally right. Or mean there are no consequences of what is (IMO) nasty and quite shocking behaviour.

What consequences, exactly? The cousin is close to OP’s DH, who doesn’t have a problem with this. I doubt OP being mad about this is going to have the devastating impact on the couple that some seem to be imagining it will.

I suspect they haven’t invited her because they’re prioritising the comfort and happiness of OP’s stepdaughter - their bridesmaid.

InWalksBarberalla · 13/12/2023 07:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

And maybe whilst they are at it, they can work together to find a way to make her husband's daughter ( who has stayed at the home a handful of times between the ages of 5 and 10) feel included and cherished within the family circle.

WillowTit · 13/12/2023 07:54

actually some people like to attend weddings without their dc, which is another point of view