Daughter not invited to wedding

[Tinogirl]

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year.
She lives entirely with us.
Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

Hang on, sorry, are you saying that your DH previously used to have his daughter over to stay (when he lived by himself) but had chosen to move in with you and your daughter at the expense of never having his daughter to stay (presumably either because his daughter is not comfortable with you, your daughter or the situation)?

If so, that may put a slightly different spin on things as his cousin may be motivated by something to do with that and ensuring her bridesmaid niece doesn't have a slightly difficult time?

If the OP is ok with her stepdaughter not being supported to stay with her dad, then there is an even bigger problem..

I can understand why you are upset about your daughter not being invited. However, to my mind you, or rather your husband, have a bigger problem. Why is your stepdaughter so uncomfortable about staying with you and her father's new family? What steps have you/has he taken to address this situation?

I fear your stepdaughter has not been invited to prevent an awkward situation at the wedding. In your shoes I'd not attend either, but take urgent steps to try and get your husband to resolve this. Family counselling might be a good idea.

The DH’s daughter isn’t obliged to fall in line and consider OP’s daughter to be her sister because OP would like her to.

who says they don’t consider her family? They don’t consider her to be close family, or the DH’s daughter (and neither does the DH, by the sounds of it), which isn’t the same thing as not considering her to be family. Their blood relation is a bridesmaid, I imagine they want her to be happy and comfortable on the day, with her own father and family members.

The DH doesn’t have a problem with this, so I doubt it will stop him interacting with family members he’s clearly close to.

I absolutely despair at threads like this and the third of people who think you are unreasonable. Honestly I really fear for humanity if this is reflective of views in real life
Because some of us have read the rest of the updates where the DH's daughter has been sidelined for 5 years whilst he plays doting parent to his step child and his daughter feels so uncomfortable that she doesn't stay over and gets a monthly overnight with her dad at her grandparents.

If I had a situation where my niece/nephew has spent years feeling uncomfortable with a situation then I'd not be turning my wedding day into yet another situation where they feel uncomfortable because a relative has chosen to prioritise their new family for years.

Don't ask for your daughter to be included. If they say no you'll be even more upset.

Guest lists are up to the bride and groom, are carefully thought through, criteria applied, reasons for / against discussed; there's no reason why they should include a child they're not related to or have a familial relationship with, even if one of their guests has a relationship with that child. They probably only see her more than their niece because she's there when they visit your DH.

From your daughter's point of view, she won't have any friends to hang out with at the wedding as the step daughter won't talk to her and she's not likely to know anyone else. She'll be clinging to you and bored out of her mind for most of it.

Unfortunately there will be more occasions like this, christenings, birthdays etc. It's a shitty situation - but it works both ways.

Organise child care and go to the wedding.

Would the people talking about blood relations be just as ok about an adopted child being excluded for that reason?

I've voted yanbu OP but I think he can only ask nicely (with no pressure), I don't think you can demand she be invited. However, if she is notbinvited then I think I'd stay with her and have a nice day out while your dh is at the wedding. Then it hopefully wouldn't seem such a big thing that she's not going.

If your husband's cousin has really invited only your husband's blood related child and not the step-child he is de facto parent of (if you've been married 5 years I'd assume he's been firmly in your kids life since she was 3 or 4) then your husband's cousin is douche-bag. In your situation I wouldn't go and neither would either of my children. However I'd also be fuming with my husband for not pulling his cousin aside and telling him he is a douche bag.

My sister's husband is raising my sister's first child and their joint child and he treats his step-daughter as if she was his own. Both kids were in his sister's wedding party and him and his sister don't even like each other much.

This is utterly wrong and would be the hill I'd die on.

I’d imagine she’s been invited as the plus one of their blood relative; her husband.

It’s a strange thing here as MN often talks about step parents and blended families when they’re anything but that!

My stepdad is Irish and once a year has always travelled home to see his family. We all went once but as we don’t really know them then naturally he goes to weddings etc by himself. It’s partly distance though and cost in past.

All my DM’s family and DF (biological family) have all been married more than once and I’ve got various step grandmothers/stepgrandfathers, step mum etc. there’s never a question in the past that me and DB aren’t invited to weddings etc and my aunties (who are DM’s two younger and one older sisters) have always invited everyone to weddings etc, partly because they all see each other as sisters and not half.

In this scenario though MN is all for child free weddings I think it’s mean to exclude the daughter here. It’s designed to make waves with OP’s DD and her partner’s DD. Not nice at all.

This is appalling behaviour from the cousin. I would feel very hurt on my daughter’s behalf, especially as this makes it looks like he doesn’t consider her family. I think your husband has to talk to his cousin and tell him that it’s out of order to do this, because it is. I know it’s their wedding, their choice etc, but on this occasion, they need a rethink!

After reading more I feel sorry for your husband’s real daughter, sounds like she’s lost her relationship with her dad due to feeling uncomfortable around you and your daughter. Maybe the cousin has picked up on this and is trying to help repair the relationship before it’s too late. It’s nice his family have asked her to be a bridesmaid as it sounds like she’s going through some upsetting times.

I don't think the cousin needs to se op's daughter as a niece. But i do think he should invite her as part of the family unit since other children (in addition to those in the wedding party) are invited.

Obviously not because they’re completely different scenarios. Presumably the DH, the one who actually holds the relationship with the couple, would feel very differently if the child in question was his actual daughter (as she would be if he had adopted her).

Quite agree, the child is only 9 and is is part of that family unit.

Let's hope that it's a given that she's accepted and the couple aren't being arses.

We had a similar situation. Dh cousin was getting married myself, dh and our ds was invited but my two teenage dd were not. All other cousins children were invited. I was really upset as step children often get a rough deal.

We didn't have to resolve it as a couple of weeks later my two dd got their own invites. At first I assumed someone had dropped out but then the five of us got a different wedding invitation from another cousin. So I assume the two cousins had compared lists and wanted to be equal.

Had that have not happened I would not have attended. I wouldn't have been funny or off it's their wedding, their choice. But I would have declined. I'd have left it up to my husband to choose for himself and our son. But when we spoke he said he would also decline. )probably more about not wanting to entertain a 6 year old alone at a wedding than any moral stance 😂)

I wouldn't ask them to invite your dd unless it's from a practical/childcare issue as that's just awkward. I would decide if you feel like you want to go and leave your dh to make his own decision.

So all these people would honestly Play KINGMAKER and decide to "sort out the situation". Its bizzarre that male cousin would consider the dynamics that much and decide to do this to "fix things"

How often even does the cousin even see this kid (2nd cousin) if its only once a month visits at MIL house (so cousins aunt). Weird she is even a bridesmaid when thats usually the brides side?

I'd just decline, and say you can't come as your daughter would be on her own. no need for her to even know about the invite to you, just its dad and step sister attending.

Husband attends on his own and cousin regrets asking him to be best man as clearly he will need to be supervising his child, not doing BM duties - so child will in fact be spending most of the day with her gran?

*The DH’s daughter isn’t obliged to fall in line and consider OP’s daughter to be her sister because OP would like her to.

who says they don’t consider her family? They don’t consider her to be close family, or the DH’s daughter (and neither does the DH, by the sounds of it), which isn’t the same thing as not considering her to be family. Their blood relation is a bridesmaid, I imagine they want her to be happy and comfortable on the day, with her own father and family members.

The DH doesn’t have a problem with this, so I doubt it will stop him interacting with family members he’s clearly close to*

By the sounds of it the stepdad never lived with his dd and had little relationship with her mother.

Whilst his life has moved on I think the dd didn’t want her father to have anyone else and equally I wonder if her mother is allowed to have any sort of relationship with anyone else. Hence why the ex is so pissed off that her dd won’t stay at her fathers house with his new wife and child

I think at 5 years old there should have been a gradual introduction to the new family set up with a short time spent with the new step mum and step sister and longer time with dad on his own to start with and gradually longer and longer spells with the family and some time alone with her father.
I think this 5 year old put her foot down and instead of the adults looking at the long term outcome they handed the power to a 5 year old who I think probably wants mummy and daddy to get back together and can’t get her mind round that they were never a committed couple in the first place.

I think you will find that the dd told the cousin that she didn’t want Tino’s dd at the wedding.

I think that long term they have set up this child for an incredibly hard life. As she gets older there comes a time where she is going to have to spend time with people she doesn’t know or is she only going to live and work with her primary school friends forever more.

i am sure the father in this won’t stop going to family events but from now on he will be on his own.
Seeing a similar scenario play out, the family events the father went to got less and less as his wife and step children wouldn’t go to these events as it had been made clear they weren’t seen as family

Maybe imagine the scenario that the dh won’t be invited to his step daughters wedding despite being married to her mother as its blood family only.

burnoutbabe
It's not about being kingmaker.

It's someone choosing to invite their family member in a situation where (because of the actions of OP's husband) there's two children feeling the brunt of adults choosing to prioritise their love life over children. He's not alone in doing it. Plenty of men prioritise their current relationship over their children but there's consequences from that.

The situation here hasn't been caused by the cousin. The cousin is stuck with two poor options:
Option 1: invite OP, husband, his niece and OP's daughter. This means his niece is going to be uncomfortable and may not want to engage or be part of things.
Option 2: invite Husband, OP as his spouse and niece. This means that OP's daughter ends up feeling left out.

It's not hard to see why out of two poor options, the cousin might choose option 1.

You have no idea what this kid expects of her father, or what the dynamics are in any of her relationships. It may be that she quite simply doesn’t like OP and OP’s DD.

Generally adults can indeed choose who they socialise with - be they family, friends or colleagues. She’s not merely been asked to socialise with her stepsister though, or even to be civil during an event they’re both required to be at (and this isn’t an event they’re both required to be at!). She’s being asked to have a sisterly relationship with OP’s daughter. She doesn’t want that and she doesn’t have to provide that either.

The DH doesn’t have a problem with his cousin doing this, so I doubt he’d have a problem with spending time with his cousin and family without OP and her daughter.

Yes, a line has to be drawn somewhere, when deciding who to invite and who not to.

But it should not be drawn at a 9 year old girl, leaving the rest of her family on the other side of the line - imo. That is shitty, cold hearted behaviour and, as her mum, there is no way on earth I would go to this wedding, leaving her out of it. I'd turn down the invite and take her out for a special day, just the two of us.

No one is entitled to wedding invite to anyones wedding. Especially given what it costs per head and limited venue space. If you are insulted just don't go yourself, and stay with your daughter.

OP as a stepdaughter myself I am very grateful that my stepdad’s family didn’t treat me as an outsider when I was that age, I’m in my 30s now and in my eyes they are just as much my family as my blood relatives are. So I can see why this stings. It actually feels a bit weird typing/saying ‘step’ as I can’t remember not feeling like ‘proper’ family.

The cousin seemingly doesn’t care about you or your daughter, which may hurt but is what it is, so I would just decline for yourself and have a nice day with your daughter, also if you make any special effort for/with them now, then I would stop, as it doesn’t sound like they’d mind.

Perhaps a better approach would be for them to simply say that husband and his daughter will be going but the OP will stay at home with her daughter because they don't want her to feel left out if she's the only one not going.

That way it's not asking directly for an invitation but it's making it clear that leaving the OP's daughter out is likely to be hurtful for her.

Yes agree with this. Regardless of "numbers" argument it is really unfair to invite one child from a family unit and not the other, regardless of biological parents etc. The uninvited child is going to be really hurt and confused. Awful behaviour that needs to be addressed.