Daughter not invited to wedding

[Tinogirl]

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year.
She lives entirely with us.
Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

While there are clearly more complex issues at play here, all this talk about how it’s ok to not want “blood children” is ridiculous.
If that’s the thinking then surely no spouses or partners should be invited by virtue of the fact they’re not blood relatives.
Ultimately if you’re inviting some non blood relatives then to exclude one child who is now just as much a part of the family as the non blood wife is just spiteful.

Agree with this

Unfortunately there are some shitty people in the world. I would seriously be thinking about not attending the wedding myself if I were you.

Sounds like he hasn't made much effort with integrating his daughter into the blended family, if she refused to stay there from 5 years old, and he just accepted this.
If his daughter isn't part of your family (and from your description, she's really not), it seems a lot more work needs to be done to blend this family.
So while it is absolutely shit for your DD regarding the wedding invite, it honestly sounds like there are bigger issues that haven't been addressed or worked through for a long time.

That’s so hurtful. I wouldn’t show bad form in trying to get an invitation for her. Just decline the invitation.

I think a wedding should be about the joining of two families that doesn't necessarily mean only people related by blood.

Weddings don't join two families, they bring about a legal bind between two people.

The answer to this dilemma is quite easy, OP. DH can do whatever he sees fit. You can decline - on the basis that you can't get childcare. Job's a good 'un.

I wouldn't decline re childcare that makes it look like OP's daughter is a burden. I'd decline specifically because the OP's DD is not invited, make it clear why. The bride and groom can then choose how to respond.

So much this!!!

It’s awful that your DH moved in with another child and a new partner leaving his existing child feeling too uncomfortable to go and stay with him.

Your DP has no place to ask if unrelated children are invited to
family weddings and given the circumstances it’s understandable that the cousin wants to make the day special for your dps dd. Let her have one occasion with her dad where she doesn’t have to share him with someone else.

If it upsets your dd then you might decide to stay with her and decline the wedding invitation, but it would be very rude to ask if she can go.

isn't your husband upset about this? He needs to be the one to mention it to his cousin

There's all sorts I haven't been able to do when DC was little: we have no extended family close by and childcare is a problem for us. Doesn't make him a 'burden'.

I wouldn't normally give any reason as to why I was declining a wedding invitation. On this occasion the reason makes the point sufficiently well.

The more direct response you suggest would make it more strongly still, but that decision would depend upon the desired (or unintended) outcome. I personally wouldn't make a big song and dance about someone else's wedding - I've seen how emotionally escalated these things can get - but weddings matter to me a sight less than they do to MN in general, so this might be a moot point on my part.

They've left out a kid because she wasn't blood family. This would probably taint the way I saw them from then on.

To insist that someone is invited to an occasion you are not arranging or paying for, screams of entitlement

it’s sad in my opinion the other child isn’t invited, but there may be a reason that we don’t know.

How mean of them! You've been married for five years and he obviously lives with you, so surely you all come as a package? Fine not to invite your daughter if they want a child free wedding but what an awful thing to do if other people's children are invited.
I'd be suggesting your husband points out that he considers your daughter to be his step child and therefore should be invited.
If they don't agree then there's no way on this earth that I'd go to the wedding without her and I'd be taking a good hard look at the cousin, his partner and your husband too!

I would be upset. You are a family unit. And I would ask as well.

@SerafinasGoose i completely agree it entirely depends on how strongly OP wants to make the point.

Also, the flip side of the approach 'they're wedding, they're approach' is that it will absolutely taint everyone's relationship going forward and not sure they've appreciated that (or cared).

Maybe look at it as a chanve for dp to spend some quality time with his dd?

This.

The non-invitation to the wedding for your dd is appalling, OP, and I wouldn't be going in your shoes. But there is clearly more at play here. It does sound as if you were fine about his dd never coming to her father's home when he 'moved in' (which makes me wonder if the moving in might have perhaps been quite rushed). It's entirely possible this situation is - quite unfairly for your dd - playing into the politics of these invitations. The cousin is behaving very badly and making a non-ideal situation worse. But as things stand it's a non-ideal situation all round.

That's really sad. I'd stay home to be with her. Other daughter can go with the husband.

They’re not a family unit though, at least not one that works. The man is this situation a has a child of his own who is already excluded because he chose to put his own desires before her.

The non-invitation to the wedding for your dd is appalling, OP, and I wouldn't be going in your shoes. But there is clearly more at play here. It does sound as if you were fine about his dd never coming to her father's home when he 'moved in' (which makes me wonder if the moving in might have perhaps been quite rushed).
It's entirely possible this situation is - quite unfairly for your dd - playing into the politics of these invitations. The cousin is behaving very badly and making a non-ideal situation worse. But as things stand it's a non-ideal situation all round
This is probably the heart of the issue.

OP and DH have accepted not blending his daughter into the family unit, but then seem to think that her child should be viewed the same as blood relations by DH's wider family and blended into their family unit.

I could see a situation where cousin wants his niece in the wedding party but is concerned that inviting OP's daughter is going to cause issues with his niece, who he's obviously going to want to care for in this situation.

.
i would be extremely hurt and concerned that my husband did not immediately get on the phone to his cousin and explain that he can't (In fairness, in decency) take all the children apart from his step daughter, as doing so will send such a strong message that she isn't part of the family.
the cousin is either thoughtless or horrid. I expect the former. If the cousin won't budge then I would definitely not go and would take my daughter somewhere else that day/night as our own treat day. I'd also go right off my husband. I feel so sorry for your daughter and so cross with your husband.
and for those who say, my wedding my choice: having a wedding doesn't mean you are exempt from the rules of kindness and decency (or not hurting a child).

This

The OPs husband doesn't seem overly concerned with his own child full stop so it isn't super surprising he isn't concerned about his step daughter being invited to a wedding.

This.

I won't go