Page 16 | Daughter not invited to wedding

Tinogirl · 2023-12-12T21:32:10+00:00

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year. She lives entirely with us. Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer. Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well. Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited. I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2023 21:56

I can’t see how he can possibly think you’d be willing to go. What are you thinking now?

PaminaMozart · 15/12/2023 21:57

There appear to be some worrying dynamics here. The OP's stepdaughter doesn't feel comfortable with her dad's new family. OP's husband distances himself from her daughter/his stepdaughter. Clearly not a happy or happily blended family.

I wouldn't know what to suggest for best, but I fear this whole wedding upset will damage these relationships even more.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 22:00

arewedoneyet · 15/12/2023 21:36

Tbh I think the family sound horrible, the husband, cousin, fiancée and MIL.

I'd be reconsidering my relationship with all of them.

Show quote history

This.

especially this:
“I'd be reconsidering my relationship with all of them”

Lulu123450 · 15/12/2023 22:03

Stand your ground & don’t go. If you marry someone you take on the children too.

Tandora · 15/12/2023 22:03

Tinogirl · 15/12/2023 21:33

Husband did ask cousin if my girl is invited and he said he would ask fiancée but no not invited. Mother-in-law said to me “Oh Darling I wouldn’t think they’d think she was related and can’t your sister-in-law have her?”
Husband asked me if I would reconsider going but I won’t. He just accepts that they don’t see her as family.

My husband always corrects strangers if they assume she is his daughter saying to me it wouldn’t be fair to his own daughter. He is always good to my daughter and does subsidise her expenses.

My husband always corrects strangers if they assume she is his daughter
this is weird op 😟 . Doesn’t sound right to me at all.

LolaSmiles · 15/12/2023 22:03

There appear to be some worrying dynamics here. The OP's stepdaughter doesn't feel comfortable with her dad's new family. OP's husband distances himself from her daughter/his stepdaughter. Clearly not a happy or happily blended family.

I wouldn't know what to suggest for best, but I fear this whole wedding upset will damage these relationships even more
That's my impression too. Lots of baggage and weird dynamics. What's sad is that it's two children who are getting upset in the process and are likely to continue to get hurt because the adults haven't got a handle on things.

fashionqueen1183 · 15/12/2023 22:07

How horrible. I can’t believe people think it’s ok to do this to a 9 year old.
Why does the MIL assume someone else can look after her? She’s not a pet.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2023 22:12

I don’t think correcting people is malicious or unkind. He’s not her dad, she has a dad, he has a daughter. It depends on how he does it, “god no, I’m not her dad, I have a daughter” is hurtful and unnecessary. “I’m actually her step dad” delivered with a smile is factual and fair. We don’t know OP’s DD wants people to think he’s her dad, she might find it intrusive and awkward.

Nicparke · 15/12/2023 22:12

I actually think that's pretty bad etiquette. Yes they can invite who they want, it's their wedding. BUT this is both of your child too. She lives with you both. He is clearly actively involved in her life daily. Why wouldn't they want her there. I find this incredibly sad for your daughter and shows they see her differently to your partners child.

Lookingforward01 · 15/12/2023 22:23

arewedoneyet · 15/12/2023 21:36

Tbh I think the family sound horrible, the husband, cousin, fiancée and MIL.

I'd be reconsidering my relationship with all of them.

Show quote history

I feel the same.

OP I feel so sorry for you. I wouldn't be able to look at DH the same after this. Nor his horrid family.

You are married. Your DH is legally your daughters step father. You live together. How could she not be part of the family?

It makes me cross thinking about it. One daughter invited and not the other? A NINE year old. It's cruel.

Shitzngiggles · 15/12/2023 22:36

I can't get past your latest post op about your DH correcting people on not being your dd's dad. My lovely stepdad married my mum when I was 7, not once ever in the years up until he died did he ever "correct anyone". Even now I'm in my 60's there's still people in my village that believe he was my biological dad.
As for the invite no way should any child be left out. Its just cruel. I couldn't forgive that.

Bluesky0779 · 15/12/2023 23:44

Not unreasonable in the slightest , they have invited every member of a household bar one, I wouldn't be asking for them to change it, I just wouldn't be going and if I were your DH I'd be politely backing out of being best man too to be quite honest. We attend lots of weddings where its just children of family or the wedding party etc but to just exclude one child is beyond unreasonable.

Tryingmybestadhd · 15/12/2023 23:46

How do you feel about it ? It seems to me you are not ok with him seeing her as an outsider and I can almost guarantee you that your daughter will be feeling it too . I’m a step mum and my partner is a step dad and our children are family no matter who we are with . His parents and brothers etc show no difference in how they treat my children or his and our together and my parents and sister do the same . You are not talking about them feeling the same but treating them differently will lead to resentment.
I think your husband putting your child aside so abruptly without even thinking it is a massive red flag .

Yalta · 16/12/2023 00:11

*Tinogirl · Today 21:33

Husband did ask cousin if my girl is invited and he said he would ask fiancée but no not invited. Mother-in-law said to me “Oh Darling I wouldn’t think they’d think she was related and can’t your sister-in-law have her?”
Husband asked me if I would reconsider going but I won’t. He just accepts that they don’t see her as family.
My husband always corrects strangers if they assume she is his daughter saying to me it wouldn’t be fair to his own daughter. He is always good to my daughter and does her expenses*

I think you have more issues than this wedding invite.

Really confused why you were invited if its only people who are related being invited

I presume then no friends are going. Maybe should have asked MIL if that was the case.

Wonder what would happen if you had a child with dh.

Would his first born still be considered family and 2nd born he just pays for their upkeep

I wonder why your dh can’t get his mind round loving more than one child

Tandora · 16/12/2023 00:27

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2023 22:12

I don’t think correcting people is malicious or unkind. He’s not her dad, she has a dad, he has a daughter. It depends on how he does it, “god no, I’m not her dad, I have a daughter” is hurtful and unnecessary. “I’m actually her step dad” delivered with a smile is factual and fair. We don’t know OP’s DD wants people to think he’s her dad, she might find it intrusive and awkward.

Yeh but this doesn’t need to be explained/ pointed out to every passing stranger. Thats weird.
of course its normal to clarify these things with people you know!

Ivymom · 16/12/2023 00:28

Blended families are really complicated. A lot depends on the ages of the children involved and their comfort with the stepfamily. I would think based on the age of DD when OP married and the fact that she lives full time with OP and SF, she would want to be considered part of the family by SF and his family. It seems cruel for SF to correct people when they refer to DD as his daughter and for his family to not consider her also part of the family. It’s no wonder DSD doesn’t want to stay overnight at OP’s home and doesn’t consider DD a sister if the adults in this situation don’t consider her family. She is just following their cues.

I have experiences as a step family member. My mom married my first stepfather when I was about 4. His family made it very clear to me that I wasn’t “real family” and never would be. I remember being excited to visit my SF’s family at Christmas to be told by them that I wasn’t a real granddaughter and shouldn’t expect to be treated as such. I remember receiving a small package of doll clothes while the real granddaughters were given fully furnished and stocked doll houses, new dolls and loads of doll clothes. This kind of stuff went on for a few years and I remember being devastated that they wouldn’t consider me family. It wasn’t about presents at Christmas, I just wanted them to consider me family.

At some point, my mom and 1st SF divorced. When I was a teenager, my mom married 2nd SF. He and his family went to the other extreme. They wanted me to be part of their family to the point of excluding all of my family, especially on my dad’s side. They claimed I was disrespectful because I had pictures of my dad and I in my room. They were offended when I wanted to eat a food on New Year’s Day that is a tradition in both my maternal and paternal families to bring a good year. Since it wasn’t their tradition, it shouldn’t be mine anymore. This went on until I moved out on my own, two weeks after graduating high school, and I began distancing myself from them. Now, the only person I talk to is my mom and my children never see any of them.

OP needs to put her DD’s wellbeing first. It is bad enough her biodad seems to have very little interest in her. The rejection from the person who should be her father figure and his family could destroy her if this dynamic doesn’t change. My heart breaks for DD.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/12/2023 00:32

Having found out for sure that your DD is NOT invited, and your MIL saying she's not considered family, your DH wants to know if you'd reconsider and go to the wedding anyway ?

That's what they are more concerned about... how it would look odd if your DH turns up without his wife?
Do they all already realise it makes them look bad?

DH and MIL want you to go because they don't want to rock the boat. They want you to get into line and demonstrate that you accept their decision

Horrid.

Tandora · 16/12/2023 00:35

Ivymom · 16/12/2023 00:28

Blended families are really complicated. A lot depends on the ages of the children involved and their comfort with the stepfamily. I would think based on the age of DD when OP married and the fact that she lives full time with OP and SF, she would want to be considered part of the family by SF and his family. It seems cruel for SF to correct people when they refer to DD as his daughter and for his family to not consider her also part of the family. It’s no wonder DSD doesn’t want to stay overnight at OP’s home and doesn’t consider DD a sister if the adults in this situation don’t consider her family. She is just following their cues.

I have experiences as a step family member. My mom married my first stepfather when I was about 4. His family made it very clear to me that I wasn’t “real family” and never would be. I remember being excited to visit my SF’s family at Christmas to be told by them that I wasn’t a real granddaughter and shouldn’t expect to be treated as such. I remember receiving a small package of doll clothes while the real granddaughters were given fully furnished and stocked doll houses, new dolls and loads of doll clothes. This kind of stuff went on for a few years and I remember being devastated that they wouldn’t consider me family. It wasn’t about presents at Christmas, I just wanted them to consider me family.

At some point, my mom and 1st SF divorced. When I was a teenager, my mom married 2nd SF. He and his family went to the other extreme. They wanted me to be part of their family to the point of excluding all of my family, especially on my dad’s side. They claimed I was disrespectful because I had pictures of my dad and I in my room. They were offended when I wanted to eat a food on New Year’s Day that is a tradition in both my maternal and paternal families to bring a good year. Since it wasn’t their tradition, it shouldn’t be mine anymore. This went on until I moved out on my own, two weeks after graduating high school, and I began distancing myself from them. Now, the only person I talk to is my mom and my children never see any of them.

OP needs to put her DD’s wellbeing first. It is bad enough her biodad seems to have very little interest in her. The rejection from the person who should be her father figure and his family could destroy her if this dynamic doesn’t change. My heart breaks for DD.

💔. This is so awful you went through that.
there are so many step-parenting posts on this forum where step parents say “it’s not harmful for step children to learn they have different family relationships/- are not part of the extended family etc”. I wish people could hear more about how it actually affects children, and what it does to them emotionally,

Chipsahoyagain · 16/12/2023 00:39

Ivymom · 16/12/2023 00:28

Blended families are really complicated. A lot depends on the ages of the children involved and their comfort with the stepfamily. I would think based on the age of DD when OP married and the fact that she lives full time with OP and SF, she would want to be considered part of the family by SF and his family. It seems cruel for SF to correct people when they refer to DD as his daughter and for his family to not consider her also part of the family. It’s no wonder DSD doesn’t want to stay overnight at OP’s home and doesn’t consider DD a sister if the adults in this situation don’t consider her family. She is just following their cues.

I have experiences as a step family member. My mom married my first stepfather when I was about 4. His family made it very clear to me that I wasn’t “real family” and never would be. I remember being excited to visit my SF’s family at Christmas to be told by them that I wasn’t a real granddaughter and shouldn’t expect to be treated as such. I remember receiving a small package of doll clothes while the real granddaughters were given fully furnished and stocked doll houses, new dolls and loads of doll clothes. This kind of stuff went on for a few years and I remember being devastated that they wouldn’t consider me family. It wasn’t about presents at Christmas, I just wanted them to consider me family.

At some point, my mom and 1st SF divorced. When I was a teenager, my mom married 2nd SF. He and his family went to the other extreme. They wanted me to be part of their family to the point of excluding all of my family, especially on my dad’s side. They claimed I was disrespectful because I had pictures of my dad and I in my room. They were offended when I wanted to eat a food on New Year’s Day that is a tradition in both my maternal and paternal families to bring a good year. Since it wasn’t their tradition, it shouldn’t be mine anymore. This went on until I moved out on my own, two weeks after graduating high school, and I began distancing myself from them. Now, the only person I talk to is my mom and my children never see any of them.

OP needs to put her DD’s wellbeing first. It is bad enough her biodad seems to have very little interest in her. The rejection from the person who should be her father figure and his family could destroy her if this dynamic doesn’t change. My heart breaks for DD.

Your mom did this to you. She allowed TWO men and their families to treat you despicably. I'm amazed you don't hold her accountable. No good mother would allow that.

PopandFizz · 16/12/2023 00:52

If your daughter 'wouldn't be seen as related' then why is there even a wedding to go to?! If marriage doesn't equal family, then why have they invited you? Such a bizarre situation. Why would DH expect you to go?!

I don't have issue with DH correcting people that wrongly assume he's bio dad, I'm sure to him he would hate the idea of people wrongly assuming his exes partner was his daughters dad so I think that's understandable.

There's lots of defending of DH going on from OP but the simple matter is thst he's not standing up for your family. He made a vow and took you both on.
If they are close enough for him to be best man then they should also consider your daughter his daughter.
That doesn't belittle his relationship with his daughter or put anyone above her. But that he doesn't defend this decision to blatantly ignore your daughters part in his life is gross.
That his parents don't act as grandparents.
That anyone would treat a nine year old this way.

Run OP. If he isn't willing to stand up and say 'you're inviting families and this is my family' is the biggest beacon of red flag.

N0KIA · 16/12/2023 01:24

I am so sorry this is happening to your DD. But on the plus side at least you know what this family think of her and know where to prioritise them now.

On the other side, I feel for his daughter. If she happily stays at MILs then your house (for overnights at least) is clearly the problem. Does she have her own bedroom at yours? Did DH move into your house or did you buy together? Its sad she feels uncomfortable in his home and around you.

Ivymom · 16/12/2023 01:58

I do hold her accountable. I’ve had to come to terms with just how bad most of my relatives were. While I still actually talk to her, I keep her at arms length. My children, who are mostly teens, don’t see her. We don’t have a typical mother/daughter relationship and she isn’t really a grandmother to my children. It’s difficult because most of my relatives are cut off completely, so she is one of a very few I have.

My DH has a similar family to mine, so we focus on being the best parents we can possibly be for our children. We surround ourselves with friends who treat us well and show our children love and acceptance. If anything should happen to either of us, we have said that we will remain single until our kids are grown and living on their own.

pineapplesundae · 16/12/2023 02:35

Oh my. It sounds like your step cousin is following your husband’s lead. Does your daughter feel like a second class citizen in your home? You should be concerned about her psyche. You are her protector. Do not allow anyone to treat her as less than in her own home.

caringcarer · 16/12/2023 03:12

It's their wedding so they invite who they want but I wouldn't go leaving my DD out. It's up to your DH if he goes and is best man or declines because his step daughter was not invited. I'd leave that entirety up to him. I'd not be inviting this cousin to my home again though. He'd not be welcome, just like your DD is not welcome at his wedding. I'd make sure DH knew this too.

Yalta · 16/12/2023 04:37

Husband asked me if I would reconsider going but I won’t. He just accepts that they don’t see her as family.
My husband always corrects strangers if they assume she is his daughter saying to me it wouldn’t be fair to his own daughter. He is always good to my daughter and does subsidise her expenses

Tbh your dh doesn’t sound like he is that good to your dd. He makes sure people know he isn’t her father despite being her step father and doesn’t see her as family whilst being married to her mother and living under the same roof as her.

Throwing a bit of cash her way now and then. I hope it is enough for the therapy she will need in the future.