Daughter not invited to wedding

[Tinogirl]

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year.
She lives entirely with us.
Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

I don’t agree that not considering OP’s daughter to be his daughter is ‘shitty’. Neither did OP apparently, given that she knew that when she married him.

I'm not saying he should consider her to be his daughter, I'm saying he should consider them to all be part of the same family, and make it clear to his extended family that it's not nice to leave just one member of his family out.

Not considering her to be his daughter isn’t the same as not considering her his family. He’s recognising that although they are a family, they don’t all have the same family members in common.

And again, I doubt he demands that OP’s family invite his daughter to everything on their side, or that OP never correct anyone that believes her to be his daughter’s mother.

Given that his daughter doesn't even want to stay the night at their house I doubt she would want to attend, say, the OP's cousin's wedding. But she should be invited for the same reason.

This kind of step family dysfunction is so off-putting. Why on earth would he correct people? She is his daughter, even if she's not biological. This is why your daughter isn't invited to that wedding.

The point is that he’s hardly holding OP to a different standard to himself.

There’s no ‘should’ about it. Or indeed ‘shouldn’t’. What works for one family isn’t always going to work for another. Once again, his way worked well enough for OP considering she decided to marry him. She also decided to marry him knowing his daughter’s feelings towards it, and his daughter’s feelings towards her own.

OP has decided now that she’s got a problem with it, despite the obvious unhappiness of at least one child beforehand. Clearly a child being unhappy isn’t that unacceptable (and nor is it to you either, given you think he should ignore his daughter’s feelings in regards to this on the basis they don’t match your own).

From your reply I think you & I are just totally different people and not likely to agree on this situation.

Oh, for sure. We’re definitely not going to agree on this.

One thing we could possibly agree on though is that, considering there are a range of opinions as to how stepfamilies ‘should’ operate, it’s best to make sure you’re on the same page as someone in regards to the issue before you marry them.

Yes, I complete agree with that.

OP thinks that her daughter should be regarded as her current husband's daughter because of residency. Perhaps OP'S stepdaughter is refusing overnights because she doesn't want to be regarded as OP's daughter.

This is actually despicable, and I say that as someone who is married but has a DS from a previous relationship.

If my DS was ever treated like this by DH's family, he would back me up 100%. And he would never correct anyone who mistook DS for his bio son (which happens often).

Your MIL spoke to you like shit too. I'm sorry, it must be so difficult but I think that your DH's reaction in all of this plus his general treatment of your DD would be marriage ending for me.

Did you read this from a pp’s post?

I have experiences as a step family member. My mom married my first stepfather when I was about 4. His family made it very clear to me that I wasn’t “real family” and never would be. I remember being excited to visit my SF’s family at Christmas to be told by them that I wasn’t a real granddaughter and shouldn’t expect to be treated as such. I remember receiving a small package of doll clothes while the real granddaughters were given fully furnished and stocked doll houses, new dolls and loads of doll clothes. This kind of stuff went on for a few years and I remember being devastated that they wouldn’t consider me family. It wasn’t about presents at Christmas, I just wanted them to consider me family.

But I guess you are just one of those “step children just have to learn that they aren’t family and that’s ok” people, “that’s just the reality”, etc.

As the relationship between family members is complicated in many ways already this is not an extra issue you all need. The focus needs to be to make sure both girls feel loved and secure. I think chatting to the girls separately or giving them a chance to share their worries with another trusted adult is important.

And don’t worry if they want to talk to someone else. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone with empathy but a bit of emotional distance.

Give the wedding a miss if you can because this could be a catalyst.

And the rest of the post, where that poster detailed her other stepfather’s family being far too full on in trying to emulate a nuclear one?

And what of his daughter’s feelings? Or do they not matter/is her being upset acceptable because her feelings don’t reflect what you think should be? Presumably she would have to learn that her father has two daughters now and she can suck it up if she’s got a problem with that, but OP’s daughter is incapable of understanding that he stepfather isn’t her father, and that she and her stepsister don’t have all the same family members in common. So a child being upset and having to accept a reality isn’t a problem really, is it? It just depends on whether you personally agree with the action upsetting them.

There is no one size fits all scenario that works for everyone. Again, and I keep repeating this, if it was important to OP that a stepparent consider her daughter to be his daughter, then she had a responsibility to not date and marry someone that didn’t share those views. She knew he didn’t, but has decided now that it’s a problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

And the rest of the post, where that poster detailed her other stepfather’s family being far too full on in trying to emulate a nuclear one

my understanding was that the problem there was they wouldn’t recognise the importance of her biological father to her, they wanted to eradicate that part of her family/ identity and pretend they didn’t exist. Thats obviously also abusive and wrong , no contradiction whatsoever.

So are you saying that in your view biological sister’s wellbeing is protected by step sister being excluded?

if it was important to OP that a stepparent consider her daughter to be his daughter, then she had a responsibility to not date and marry someone that didn’t share those views

but this shouldn’t just be about what the adults choose. It’s the impact on the child that matters.

So what you’re saying is that OP’s daughter must be considered by her husband to be the same as his daughter, even if that hurts his daughter? Yes, that is what you’re saying. It’s fine for a child to be upset if you disagree with their opinions.

I don’t know his daughter, but yes, it may very well be that her wellbeing would indeed be damaged by that. Whether you think it should be or not.

The impact on which child? It absolutely matters what adults choose. OP chose her husband knowing his views. OP and her husband knowing his daughter was unhappy with the situation. She chose her husband knowing his daughter completely rejected hers. None of that was a problem though.

Anyway, we’re not going to agree, Tandora, as we’ve gone around in these circles more than once.

So what you’re saying is that OP’s daughter must be considered by her husband to be the same as his daughter, even if that hurts his daughter? Yes, that is what you’re saying. It’s fine for a child to be upset if you disagree with their opinions

so you first ask me if thats what I’m saying, and then quickly declare it is what I’m saying, even though I’ve said nothing of the sort..? Right.

No one can , or should attempt to , police how OP’s husband feels in his heart. Of course, most likely, he will have a unique and special love for his daughter, that’s usually how these things work. And there are plenty of ways that he can express that to his DD (although it sounds like he might be doing a fairly crappy job) without putting down is SDD.

Does dad’s love for his biological daughter mean SDC has to be told / reminded thar she’s not part of the wider / extended family? excluded from weddings ? Given second rate gifts ? That he has to find every opportunity to point out to strangers that she’s not his real daughter? How is that in any way related to protecting the wellbeing of the biological DC? it is all so toxic and childish it honestly makes my blood boil.

Dad’s love for his DD doesn’t need to be in anyway threatened by kind and inclusive treatment towards his SDC. That’s not how parental love works.

I have three children, I love them all dearly and uniquely, none of them are harmed by my love for the other. They would however be deeply harmed if I started treating some of them as second class members of the family.

Anyways, you are right we are never going to agree as we have completely different values. I just wanted to highlight that pp sharing her personal experience of how hurtful it was for her as a young child to be excluded from her step father’s wider family.l, since this is often trotted out on mumsnet as a totally fine way for GPs to behave and not harmful to children.

Boil away then, I guess? Doesn’t sound comfortable tbh. He knows his daughter and believes that not correcting people would hurt her. You’re not in the position to say it wouldn’t, even if you think it shouldn’t.

It was a rhetorical question. Why wouldn’t he point it out? It’s true. I doubt he’d be offended by OP pointing out the same in regards to his daughter. Again, she knew his position when she married him. That’s on her.

I’m not sure why you felt the need to point that out - I can read. I don’t however hold that to be the only opinion worthy of being acknowledged. There’s also people on mumsnet that have said that a stepparent acting as a parent to them was unwanted. Like I said, there’s no one size fits all. What is hurtful to one can be gratefully received by another. Sometimes the feelings of children are in conflict, and one is going to hurt no matter what path is chosen (and here’s a wild notion - sometimes people can be hurt by something and that doesn’t mean the person that did it was in fact wrong). That doesn’t mean a path doesn’t have to be chosen - just that which one depends very much on your personal preferences (which is why I think ‘you can’t do that! Think of the children!’ is disingenuous in this situation). The feelings of adults do in fact matter too.

I didn’t mean the choices of adults don’t matter, I meant that they don’t just get to decide whatever they fancy for their families. I agree that when it comes to families, one size never fits all, but there are certain common arrangements in blended families that are decided by adults (to suit their own selfish desires/ comfort), and yet commonly cause small children significant distress.

The children’s wellbeing should always comes first in families - that goes for both step children and biological children. Both have equal value and equal worth. and there is nothing disingenuous in my firm commitment to that belief.

Yes, the feelings / needs of different children can sometimes be in conflict - as they can in nuclear families between siblings. but somehow in nuclear families we find (obvious) ways of reconciling these conflicts without treating some kids as second rate/ second best/ less valuable addendums to the family. There is no reason at all why the same can’t be done in blended families.

Anyways that’s all I have to say. As we have both acknowledged , we won’t agree , as we have totally different values.

“I meant that they don’t just get to decide whatever they fancy for their families”

I mean, they clearly do get to decide. Whether you approve of their decisions or not doesn’t actually matter.

Sometimes what you want to be done can’t be done, and there’s no way around one person getting hurt. It’s not about being ‘second rate’ either, but recognising that the relationships are in fact different 🤷🏻‍♀️

Whether you approve of their decisions or not doesn’t actually matter
Whether, I approve or not doesn’t matter at all , you are quite right!
What, does, however matter greatly, is the impact those decisions have on the children involved . Impacts that can cause long lasting and significant harm.

and there’s no way around one person getting hurt
this is a terrible and irresponsible cop out.

It’s not about being ‘second rate’ either, but recognising that the relationships are in fact different
So you say from a totally self absorbed, adult perspective. This is not necessarily how it feels/looks to the children involved, as evidenced by that pp’s post.

No, not really. What’s a cop out is to say ‘oh, they’ll be a way that means they’re both happy!’ because that best suits your belief as to what should be true.

It can matter as much or as little as any one individual likes - that doesn’t mean anyone else is required to feel the same way about it.

I’m not claiming that my opinion is shared by children, or that it isn’t shared by them (that would depend on who you ask - some would agree and some wouldn’t. The same would apply to yours). Just as well really, as last time I checked I didn’t need anyone else to share it.

"He just accepts that they don’t see her as family."
THEY don't see her as family because HE doesn't see her as family.

"My husband always corrects strangers if they assume she is his daughter saying to me it wouldn’t be fair to his own daughter."
That is just horrible of him. Absolutely fucking horrible.

I don’t think he particularly seems that concerned about his daughter feeling secure given that she won’t even stay over at her dad’s house! That sounds like a rather insecure child to me…

Something else he’s doing wrong!