Page 19 | Daughter not invited to wedding

Tinogirl · 2023-12-12T21:32:10+00:00

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year. She lives entirely with us. Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer. Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well. Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited. I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

Bigcat25 · 16/12/2023 23:12

In response to those suggesting breaking up, op and her husband could try family counselling. Sometimes I worry at the immediate suggestions to go nuclear without trying to rectify things.

Ivymom · 17/12/2023 02:21

I’m the poster who shared my experience with the two step families. While they were on opposite, extreme ends, they were both abusive to me. By sharing, I was wanting to show how not meeting the children’s needs in blending families can be harmful to the children.

OP has presumably been with her husband since DD was a toddler. It would be a reasonable expectation for DD to consider him a father and to consider herself part of his family. Based on her posts, OP seems surprised and upset that his family doesn’t consider DD one of them and she seems concerned that this will hurt DD.

I shared because being excluded hurt me. Before marrying SF1, my mom should have made it clear to him that she expected me to be considered part of the family. He didn’t have any children, but he should have communicated to his family that he expected me to be considered his daughter and treated as such. When they refused, my mom should have refused to have me around them and refused to have them in our home. She should have given SF1 the ultimatum that he step up and behave like a father by loving and protecting me or the marriage is over.

On the flip side, DSD doesn’t want to consider OP as a mother figure and DD as a sister. I suspect, based on her age, that this is probably partly in response to the attitudes of the adults around her. No matter the reason, her boundaries in this should be respected. I suspect there is more to her refusal to stay overnight. I wonder if she went from having her own room to sharing with her new sister or something similar.

My second step family expected me to immediately become one of them the moment my mom married SF2. It wasn’t just that they wanted me to reject my paternal and maternal families in favor of them. They had a weird patriarchal thing where SF2’s dad was head of the family. Everyone’s values, religion, hobbies, likes and dislikes, down to food preferences , were supposed to mirror his. I was also expected to feel instantly bonded with people I had met two days prior the moment my mom said her vows. SF2 had children who I was supposed to consider siblings and because I was several years older, I was supposed to take on the role of protective older sister. My mom should have insisted they respect my boundaries and allow me to be myself or not allow them to stay in our home. Because she didn’t advocate for me when I was a teen, as an adult, I don’t have a relationship with them and have a limited one with my mom.

OP and her husband need to work out what is best for their respective children. If DD needs OP’s husband to take on a fatherly role, then OP needs to insist on this or end the relationship. Husband can explain to DSD that DD is now family and while it doesn’t in anyway diminish his love for her, he also loves DD. DSD has already made it clear that she doesn’t want a sisterly relationship with DD, so OP needs to help DD respect that boundary. OP needs to put the wellbeing of her DD first. If DD is going to be hurt by SF’s family excluding her, then OP needs to seriously consider the future of her marriage. If OP’s husband doesn’t love DD enough to insist she is treated as family, I wouldn’t recommend OP stay married to him. OP, her husband, DD and DSD need to be in a combination of family therapy, individual and marriage therapy. The response to this wedding is a symptom of some massive underlying problems.

Justfinking · 17/12/2023 06:27

Is there a possibility that the photos might play into this? I have a step cousin and an adopted cousin, I am not close to either of them. I genuinely feel it's because I don't really spend time with them, rather than the blood aspect but this adds to it as with my other cousins we've grown up together. I would find it awkward when wanting a picture with all of my cousins (and this is important as this is my keepsake) as I wouldn't want to exclude them, so in a weird way I might prefer not to invite them at all. Sounds terrible I know, but just putting it out there.

Cost per head could also be another factor of course. I excluded one member of my family, and in hindsight feel bad about it, but at the time with the stress of the wedding and mounting costs, I decided they didn't make the cut and I would rather invite a close friend rather than a cousin I had only met a couple of times in my life.

Wedding are strange and do strange things to people ime.

Justfinking · 17/12/2023 06:27

Is there a possibility that the photos might play into this? I have a step cousin and an adopted cousin, I am not close to either of them. I genuinely feel it's because I don't really spend time with them, rather than the blood aspect but this adds to it as with my other cousins we've grown up together. I would find it awkward when wanting a picture with all of my cousins (and this is important as this is my keepsake) as I wouldn't want to exclude them, so in a weird way I might prefer not to invite them at all. Sounds terrible I know, but just putting it out there.

Cost per head could also be another factor of course. I excluded one member of my family, and in hindsight feel bad about it, but at the time with the stress of the wedding and mounting costs, I decided they didn't make the cut and I would rather invite a close friend rather than a cousin I had only met a couple of times in my life.

Wedding are strange and do strange things to people ime.

notlucreziaborgia · 17/12/2023 07:41

Ivymom · 17/12/2023 02:21

I’m the poster who shared my experience with the two step families. While they were on opposite, extreme ends, they were both abusive to me. By sharing, I was wanting to show how not meeting the children’s needs in blending families can be harmful to the children.

OP has presumably been with her husband since DD was a toddler. It would be a reasonable expectation for DD to consider him a father and to consider herself part of his family. Based on her posts, OP seems surprised and upset that his family doesn’t consider DD one of them and she seems concerned that this will hurt DD.

I shared because being excluded hurt me. Before marrying SF1, my mom should have made it clear to him that she expected me to be considered part of the family. He didn’t have any children, but he should have communicated to his family that he expected me to be considered his daughter and treated as such. When they refused, my mom should have refused to have me around them and refused to have them in our home. She should have given SF1 the ultimatum that he step up and behave like a father by loving and protecting me or the marriage is over.

On the flip side, DSD doesn’t want to consider OP as a mother figure and DD as a sister. I suspect, based on her age, that this is probably partly in response to the attitudes of the adults around her. No matter the reason, her boundaries in this should be respected. I suspect there is more to her refusal to stay overnight. I wonder if she went from having her own room to sharing with her new sister or something similar.

My second step family expected me to immediately become one of them the moment my mom married SF2. It wasn’t just that they wanted me to reject my paternal and maternal families in favor of them. They had a weird patriarchal thing where SF2’s dad was head of the family. Everyone’s values, religion, hobbies, likes and dislikes, down to food preferences , were supposed to mirror his. I was also expected to feel instantly bonded with people I had met two days prior the moment my mom said her vows. SF2 had children who I was supposed to consider siblings and because I was several years older, I was supposed to take on the role of protective older sister. My mom should have insisted they respect my boundaries and allow me to be myself or not allow them to stay in our home. Because she didn’t advocate for me when I was a teen, as an adult, I don’t have a relationship with them and have a limited one with my mom.

OP and her husband need to work out what is best for their respective children. If DD needs OP’s husband to take on a fatherly role, then OP needs to insist on this or end the relationship. Husband can explain to DSD that DD is now family and while it doesn’t in anyway diminish his love for her, he also loves DD. DSD has already made it clear that she doesn’t want a sisterly relationship with DD, so OP needs to help DD respect that boundary. OP needs to put the wellbeing of her DD first. If DD is going to be hurt by SF’s family excluding her, then OP needs to seriously consider the future of her marriage. If OP’s husband doesn’t love DD enough to insist she is treated as family, I wouldn’t recommend OP stay married to him. OP, her husband, DD and DSD need to be in a combination of family therapy, individual and marriage therapy. The response to this wedding is a symptom of some massive underlying problems.

Unfortunately OP and her husband have very different views as to what stepparenting entails. It’s rather late for her to insist he change his mindset to suit her when she knew his feelings, and accepted them, when she married him. She can no more insist that he change than he can insist it of her.

He can explain to his daughter, but that doesn’t mean she’ll accept it, or that the consequences of doing so won’t negatively impact her and worsen their relationship in the short, medium or even long term. He knows his daughter well enough to determine which outcome is more likely, and he’s chosen to prioritise her. As has his family.

Of course, there’s also his own feelings and boundaries to consider - and OP’s. You can’t force someone to perform their ‘role’ in a way they’re unwilling to. This may mean that despite OP’s earlier acceptance of the situation, she now considers it a dealbreaker. It does seem they have a major incompatibility.

BethDuttonsTwin · 17/12/2023 07:44

They can of course have the wedding of their choice but I wouldn’t be going if my child wasn’t invited.

LolaSmiles · 17/12/2023 08:14

Unfortunately OP and her husband have very different views as to what stepparenting entails. It’s rather late for her to insist he change his mindset to suit her when she knew his feelings, and accepted them, when she married him. She can no more insist that he change than he can insist it of her.
I'm inclined to agree with you. As the adults they have their own position and decided that they were happy with those positions to continue with progressing the relationship.

In general on here I tend to notice that a not unsubstantial number of posters are very happy for a new partner to step in and fill the gaps caused by their child's actual parent, especially when it's a new male partner filling gaps by an absent father. In those situations I can't help but wonder if the desire to give their DC a father figure leads to some people overlooking the complexities of blending families on the children, especially any impact non-resident children the new partner has. I also notice in places an insistence that new partner's extended family has an obligation to make up for the lack of involvement from a child's paternal family. Blending families is complicated and based on the threads I see on here, it seems quite a lot of adults tend to focus more on the adults than the children, then seem surprised the children feel the effects.

notlucreziaborgia · 17/12/2023 09:03

LolaSmiles · 17/12/2023 08:14

Unfortunately OP and her husband have very different views as to what stepparenting entails. It’s rather late for her to insist he change his mindset to suit her when she knew his feelings, and accepted them, when she married him. She can no more insist that he change than he can insist it of her.
I'm inclined to agree with you. As the adults they have their own position and decided that they were happy with those positions to continue with progressing the relationship.

In general on here I tend to notice that a not unsubstantial number of posters are very happy for a new partner to step in and fill the gaps caused by their child's actual parent, especially when it's a new male partner filling gaps by an absent father. In those situations I can't help but wonder if the desire to give their DC a father figure leads to some people overlooking the complexities of blending families on the children, especially any impact non-resident children the new partner has. I also notice in places an insistence that new partner's extended family has an obligation to make up for the lack of involvement from a child's paternal family. Blending families is complicated and based on the threads I see on here, it seems quite a lot of adults tend to focus more on the adults than the children, then seem surprised the children feel the effects.

Indeed. It’s not like she had a bait and switch pulled on her. OP knew he didn’t view her daughter as his any more than she viewed his daughter as hers. She also knew his daughter was unhappy with the blended family situation and totally rejected OP’s own daughter. OP is the one that chose this, for herself and for her daughter.

I’m not surprised that her husband and his family are surprised at her reaction to this, considering her previous acceptance of the status quo. They’re not doing anything differently to what they have been doing.

These threads appear on an almost weekly basis, and yet people are still shocked and outraged when they find that others don’t simply fall into line the way they think they should. Blended families are complex, and they’re not the same as nuclear ones. You cannot demand that everyone around you treat them as if they are the same, because that is just not going to happen with everyone. If it’s important to a parent that any prospective stepparent and their family totally accept stepchildren as indistinguishable from biological ones then it is up to said parent to not date and marry someone that doesn’t share those views.

Ivymom · 17/12/2023 16:41

I agree with you and I really feel sorry for the two little girls. It is past time for OP and her husband to take a serious look at what their own children need and whether them staying together is meeting those needs. I highly recommend they get everyone into family/marriage/individual therapy. OP and her husband don’t seem equipped to navigate this mess and their children are getting hurt in the process.

For anyone wanting to blend families, I would caution you to have everyone, especially the children, established with a therapist they can truly open up to and who can help be their voices. Children don’t understand the nuances and will often agree to things to make the adults they love happy without understanding the consequences to themselves. You have to take things slower and the adults have to be willing to change their roles relation to the children as their needs change.

I know OP didn’t mention this in her post, but she should not have any children with her husband. It will harm her DD and DSD even more.

Tandora · 17/12/2023 18:28

notlucreziaborgia · 17/12/2023 07:41

Unfortunately OP and her husband have very different views as to what stepparenting entails. It’s rather late for her to insist he change his mindset to suit her when she knew his feelings, and accepted them, when she married him. She can no more insist that he change than he can insist it of her.

He can explain to his daughter, but that doesn’t mean she’ll accept it, or that the consequences of doing so won’t negatively impact her and worsen their relationship in the short, medium or even long term. He knows his daughter well enough to determine which outcome is more likely, and he’s chosen to prioritise her. As has his family.

Of course, there’s also his own feelings and boundaries to consider - and OP’s. You can’t force someone to perform their ‘role’ in a way they’re unwilling to. This may mean that despite OP’s earlier acceptance of the situation, she now considers it a dealbreaker. It does seem they have a major incompatibility.

Show quote history

So basically everyone’s feelings matter accept SDC?

Theres no evidence that Dad’s actions are protecting his daughter- their relationship clearly has issues. We have no idea what her perspective on the situation is. Maybe he’s just generally a crap dad (as well as a crap stepdad), and he’s projecting the idea that if he rejects his step daughter that will somehow make things up with his own daughter. Clearly it’s not working.

That pp’s post was simply to say that not meeting children needs in blended families is harmful to children. It is, and that’s why children’s needs need to be put first regardless of who agreed what at whatever time. That is the bottom line. If children’s needs aren’t being met, find a way to meet them, or rethink the family structure. This is how all families should work. Blended families do not get a free pass to ignore children’s needs.

notlucreziaborgia · 17/12/2023 19:03

Tandora · 17/12/2023 18:28

So basically everyone’s feelings matter accept SDC?

Theres no evidence that Dad’s actions are protecting his daughter- their relationship clearly has issues. We have no idea what her perspective on the situation is. Maybe he’s just generally a crap dad (as well as a crap stepdad), and he’s projecting the idea that if he rejects his step daughter that will somehow make things up with his own daughter. Clearly it’s not working.

That pp’s post was simply to say that not meeting children needs in blended families is harmful to children. It is, and that’s why children’s needs need to be put first regardless of who agreed what at whatever time. That is the bottom line. If children’s needs aren’t being met, find a way to meet them, or rethink the family structure. This is how all families should work. Blended families do not get a free pass to ignore children’s needs.

Edited

Show quote history

Cool story bro

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2023 19:15

Tinogirl · 15/12/2023 21:33

Husband did ask cousin if my girl is invited and he said he would ask fiancée but no not invited. Mother-in-law said to me “Oh Darling I wouldn’t think they’d think she was related and can’t your sister-in-law have her?”
Husband asked me if I would reconsider going but I won’t. He just accepts that they don’t see her as family.

My husband always corrects strangers if they assume she is his daughter saying to me it wouldn’t be fair to his own daughter. He is always good to my daughter and does subsidise her expenses.

Does he correct them in front of her??

Sounds like a DH problem, that's probably why his family haven't included her.

Beautiful3 · 17/12/2023 21:29

I've just read your update. His family sound horrible. I'm so sorry. I don't understand why your husband has to explain she's his step daughter, to strangers though?! That's so weird of him. Personally I'd stay at home with her, so she doesn't feel rejected. I'd say we're both not invited, but that's okay, we'll have take out and watch movies. Let them get on with it. I wouldn't be happy at his whole family treating your child differently to the blood related one. It's really quite hurtful. I cannot imagine how she's going to feel when she grows older, and understands more.

Yalta · 18/12/2023 08:07

At the end of the day it is a wedding and unless only blood relations are invited there is no reason to leave out Tino’s dd

That just comes across as horrible and bullying

You have to wonder how these strange rules over people who are considered family or not family will look like to the cousin, his wife and the dd when they have dc and are divorced and then try to meet potential partners who happen to have dc
I would say most parents wouldn’t accept a situation where their children weren’t ever going to be seen as equal to their potential partners dc and expect their dc to be treated as equals in the partners wider family
i doubt most of their relationships will not progress or survive beyond a few dates
You will get the odd potential partner who will over look it for what ever reason but I doubt even those relationships will last long term either

This attitude of blood and non blood relations is just storing up trouble for all involved.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/12/2023 09:16

Your DH is a prick. I’d ditch the fucking lot of them. “Oh darling, I don’t think we are related so why would I want to go; why would you think that? I’m off to my SIL as suggested by your mother…”

FeetupTvon · 18/12/2023 09:39

I wouldn’t go. I’d also make it clear why.
Thats shocking to be honest.

Original poster

Tinogirl · 18/12/2023 11:43

I can’t believe my thread is still attracting comments. I am really grateful for everyone’s opinions.
I totally agree that my daughter’s lack of relationship with her actual father has the potential to be more heartbreaking for her than her lack of relationship with her step-sister.
While I am grateful for all the posts people have run away with DH being a shit father and stepfather. He most definitely isn’t and to use the words of one poster he is ‘generally’ really good and they have a good relationship, but he would clarify that he isn’t her father as that’s factual. If she is present he makes a joke something like I know why you think that because of our stunning good looks.” She will then carry on the joke. I am not going to divorce my husband because his cousin didn’t invite us to his wedding.
I am 43, I am not having more kids; I agree different treatments of half-siblings from extended family would be more problematic.
His family are not unpleasant ‘generally’ but if I was to suggest that my daughter was equal to his daughter and the other two grandchildren they would think I was mad!
Anyway back to the wedding, both of us are now invited to join them in the evening!I am still not going. My husband feels that this is a good compromise but I don’t think so and don’t care how it makes me look.
It would only be us coming in the evening as the couple think evening receptions are déclassé.
Husband is upset. He says he can’t make his family feel related to her and also suggests that she wouldn’t have been invited even if he didn’t have a child close in age himself.

OP posts:

MargotBamborough · 18/12/2023 11:48

Tinogirl · 18/12/2023 11:43

I can’t believe my thread is still attracting comments. I am really grateful for everyone’s opinions.
I totally agree that my daughter’s lack of relationship with her actual father has the potential to be more heartbreaking for her than her lack of relationship with her step-sister.
While I am grateful for all the posts people have run away with DH being a shit father and stepfather. He most definitely isn’t and to use the words of one poster he is ‘generally’ really good and they have a good relationship, but he would clarify that he isn’t her father as that’s factual. If she is present he makes a joke something like I know why you think that because of our stunning good looks.” She will then carry on the joke. I am not going to divorce my husband because his cousin didn’t invite us to his wedding.
I am 43, I am not having more kids; I agree different treatments of half-siblings from extended family would be more problematic.
His family are not unpleasant ‘generally’ but if I was to suggest that my daughter was equal to his daughter and the other two grandchildren they would think I was mad!
Anyway back to the wedding, both of us are now invited to join them in the evening!I am still not going. My husband feels that this is a good compromise but I don’t think so and don’t care how it makes me look.
It would only be us coming in the evening as the couple think evening receptions are déclassé.
Husband is upset. He says he can’t make his family feel related to her and also suggests that she wouldn’t have been invited even if he didn’t have a child close in age himself.

If he didn't have a close age child himself then her not being invited wouldn't look the way it does.

pollymere · 18/12/2023 12:44

I would go in the evening. It will reflect well in you in that you see yourself as part of this family. It will reflect badly on DH family that you clearly were able to go but we're not invited to the main Reception. Also - anyone can go to an actual wedding. It's a legal requirement. So I'd go to the ceremony, then go out for McDs or something fun then go back in the evening.

To not go in the evening is petty now.

arewedoneyet · 18/12/2023 12:45

pollymere · 18/12/2023 12:44

I would go in the evening. It will reflect well in you in that you see yourself as part of this family. It will reflect badly on DH family that you clearly were able to go but we're not invited to the main Reception. Also - anyone can go to an actual wedding. It's a legal requirement. So I'd go to the ceremony, then go out for McDs or something fun then go back in the evening.

To not go in the evening is petty now.

Don't see how it's petty not to want to go if OP daughter isn't invited

pollymere · 18/12/2023 12:53

@arewedoneyet If you RTFT... Both OP and her DD are now invited to the Evening Reception. Perhaps you may wish to rescind your comment with this knowledge?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/12/2023 13:07

My husband feels that this is a good compromise but I don’t think so and don’t care how it makes me look...Husband is upset. He says he can’t make his family feel related to her and also suggests that she wouldn’t have been invited even if he didn’t have a child close in age himself.

There is a concern about how it makes you look? I think they are more worried about how it makes them look because they know its not a nice thing to do. They know that people will ask why you are not there and they don't want the embarrassment of explaining their notions of equality.

If I was to suggest that my daughter was equal to his daughter and the other two grandchildren they would think I was mad!

Their attitude towards a child who is your Husband's step daughter and has lived in his house since she was small? The idea that some children are more equal than others and that its Ok to publically demonstrate that by excluding her has nothing to do with "equality" at all.

Its up to them who they invite, by the same token that it's up to you to choose whether you want to attend under those circumstances.

arewedoneyet · 18/12/2023 13:08

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/12/2023 13:07

My husband feels that this is a good compromise but I don’t think so and don’t care how it makes me look...Husband is upset. He says he can’t make his family feel related to her and also suggests that she wouldn’t have been invited even if he didn’t have a child close in age himself.

There is a concern about how it makes you look? I think they are more worried about how it makes them look because they know its not a nice thing to do. They know that people will ask why you are not there and they don't want the embarrassment of explaining their notions of equality.

If I was to suggest that my daughter was equal to his daughter and the other two grandchildren they would think I was mad!

Their attitude towards a child who is your Husband's step daughter and has lived in his house since she was small? The idea that some children are more equal than others and that its Ok to publically demonstrate that by excluding her has nothing to do with "equality" at all.

Its up to them who they invite, by the same token that it's up to you to choose whether you want to attend under those circumstances.

Edited

Completely agree

DottieMoon · 18/12/2023 13:08

pollymere · 18/12/2023 12:44

I would go in the evening. It will reflect well in you in that you see yourself as part of this family. It will reflect badly on DH family that you clearly were able to go but we're not invited to the main Reception. Also - anyone can go to an actual wedding. It's a legal requirement. So I'd go to the ceremony, then go out for McDs or something fun then go back in the evening.

To not go in the evening is petty now.

Completely disagree. I don't think it's petty at all.

Why should the OP go just to see herself as part of the family and look good when they don't extend the same courtesy yo her DD?

@Tinogirl , I think you are doing the right thing, I would do the same.

notlucreziaborgia · 18/12/2023 13:12

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/12/2023 13:07

My husband feels that this is a good compromise but I don’t think so and don’t care how it makes me look...Husband is upset. He says he can’t make his family feel related to her and also suggests that she wouldn’t have been invited even if he didn’t have a child close in age himself.

There is a concern about how it makes you look? I think they are more worried about how it makes them look because they know its not a nice thing to do. They know that people will ask why you are not there and they don't want the embarrassment of explaining their notions of equality.

If I was to suggest that my daughter was equal to his daughter and the other two grandchildren they would think I was mad!

Their attitude towards a child who is your Husband's step daughter and has lived in his house since she was small? The idea that some children are more equal than others and that its Ok to publically demonstrate that by excluding her has nothing to do with "equality" at all.

Its up to them who they invite, by the same token that it's up to you to choose whether you want to attend under those circumstances.

Edited

I imagine it’s more a case of her husband not wanting there to be tension between OP and his family. Wanting it to be a case of them feeling bad isn’t the same thing as them feeling bad. If they genuinely believed they were actually doing something wrong, and were that worried about appearances, then they’d invite her. They don’t think they’re doing anything wrong, they think OP is being difficult over a non issue that has never been a problem for her before.

For all the shock that gets expressed when this subject comes up, this subject comes up constantly. The idea that there are differences between biological children/grandchildren and stepchildren, and that these differences are reflected in their relationships with their respective families, is hardly an unusual one.