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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter not invited to wedding

501 replies

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 21:32

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year.
She lives entirely with us.
Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

OP posts:
Addyview · 15/12/2023 07:20

It really doesn't matter what reason they have, unless it's an oversight, it's disgraceful. I can understand they might have limited numbers or whatever, but sitting down and purposely inviting a whole family apart from one child is horrible. None of us would be going, even if it was my DSC, a family is a family in every occasion, not just when it suits your husbands cousin. You're completely right to be angry.

KmcK87 · 15/12/2023 07:42

Shitty thing to do and they know it. I’ve met my partners cousins step kid a total of 1 time, but he’s still invited to my wedding because I’m not an absolute horror of a human being and while I might not have a relationship with this child, my partners cousin does and that’s all that matters.

Anon1001 · 15/12/2023 08:49

We just had something similar, my daughter was the only niece that wasn’t included as a bridesmaid even though her half sister was, at my SIL wedding. We still went, but kept our distance from the whole wedding, we had a great relationship previously but now we barely speak.

ceceliasunder · 15/12/2023 08:59

Completely agree! As a mum & stepmum I’m so often confused by adults total disregard for children’s feelings in a blended family. Treat all children in a family the same whether ‘blood’ or not for goodness sake. It’s much more straightforward!! Would you be saying it was ok if they had one ‘blood’ relation & one adopted child??! Honestly cannot fathom it

rorret · 15/12/2023 09:15

ceceliasunder · 15/12/2023 08:59

Completely agree! As a mum & stepmum I’m so often confused by adults total disregard for children’s feelings in a blended family. Treat all children in a family the same whether ‘blood’ or not for goodness sake. It’s much more straightforward!! Would you be saying it was ok if they had one ‘blood’ relation & one adopted child??! Honestly cannot fathom it

To me, adoption is different because it gives a permanent legal tie to the child.

I wouldn't leave my estate to stepchildren, I would to a child I had adopted, for example.

ceceliasunder · 15/12/2023 09:26

ok, but this is a wedding…not a will. And she’s a child who had no say in the separation of her parents but will soon figure out that she’s less favoured than her stepsister. Anyone saying that’s appropriate needs their head checked

rorret · 15/12/2023 09:29

I'd have invited her to the wedding - not to be a bridesmaid but I would have invited her to the wedding.

I was only saying that to me, adoption is different because it's a permanent legal tie, that's all.

ThinWomansBrain · 15/12/2023 09:32

rude of them
"they may only want blood family there" - so decline, you're busy doing something nice with your daughter.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2023 10:09

brunettemic · 14/12/2023 11:19

It’s their wedding, they can invite who they want. It’s up to you whether you go or not but you’re being ridiculous to consider forcing someone to invite someone.

She isn't forcing anybody to do anything

She is not unreasonably upset for her daughter.

And it tells her very clearly their standing in the family and with her husband

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2023 10:10

rorret · 15/12/2023 09:29

I'd have invited her to the wedding - not to be a bridesmaid but I would have invited her to the wedding.

I was only saying that to me, adoption is different because it's a permanent legal tie, that's all.

So is the OP's marriage

notlucreziaborgia · 15/12/2023 10:14

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2023 10:10

So is the OP's marriage

Show quote history

You can dissolve a marriage. If OP and her husband split it’s unlikely that he and his family would see her DD again.

Children in blended families won’t have all the same family members in common, and their relationships with their own family members will be different. That’s only ‘wrong’ if you think blended families shouldn’t operate any differently to nuclear ones, despite them being very different set ups.

Mumof2withSEN · 15/12/2023 11:02

My blood is absolutely boiling at some of these replies. I’m hoping it’s a case of they haven’t read your message correctly.

Firstly take a deep breath.

I can appreciate if they didn’t include her as a bridesmaid, but to not even be a guest
is wrong in my opinion. Like someone else said I’d pop them a little message saying congratulations and you got the invite. Just clarify on your if your daughter was invited as her name wasn’t on the invite. If the response is she isint invited, don’t go either. Let your partner know and them that you will also not be going for that reason.

youve been together for a while. It’s not like you’re newly together. His cousin knows you live together with your daughter full time. Being that your partner is the part of the wedding party, they are fairly close I would assume. So they would know he has a step daughter.

rorret · 15/12/2023 11:42

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2023 10:10

So is the OP's marriage

Show quote history

People can get divorced.

If they do, there is no legal tie to a step child.

There is to an adopted child.

Eleganz · 15/12/2023 11:50

Mumof2withSEN · 15/12/2023 11:02

My blood is absolutely boiling at some of these replies. I’m hoping it’s a case of they haven’t read your message correctly.

Firstly take a deep breath.

I can appreciate if they didn’t include her as a bridesmaid, but to not even be a guest
is wrong in my opinion. Like someone else said I’d pop them a little message saying congratulations and you got the invite. Just clarify on your if your daughter was invited as her name wasn’t on the invite. If the response is she isint invited, don’t go either. Let your partner know and them that you will also not be going for that reason.

youve been together for a while. It’s not like you’re newly together. His cousin knows you live together with your daughter full time. Being that your partner is the part of the wedding party, they are fairly close I would assume. So they would know he has a step daughter.

Basically this. No excuses not to invite your daughter if other children are invited.

Sadly, as can be seen on this thread there are lots of people out there who actively like othering step-children and see no problem with it. Luckily for me I have family that don't do this.

Honeychickpea · 15/12/2023 13:58

Jop1984 · 14/12/2023 15:34

Some of the comments on here are ridiculous! I wouldn’t dream of singling out one child against another, whether they are blood related or not. Perhaps they haven’t considered how unwelcome/left out/ not part of the family your daughter would feel. I would certainly mention it to your partner and I don’t see what harm it would do for him to mention it to his cousin. It’s not a case of dictating who they invite, but if they realised the potential harm it could do they may rethink.

Yet nobody seems concerned about how "not part of the family" OP's daughter's actual father must make her feel.

PopandFizz · 15/12/2023 15:05

What a way to look at it!

I would expect DH to politely say 'can I ask why you've only invited one of my daughters' to his cousin and this should get them to rectify the problem.
Once DH took on the SD as his own that should be it, his family should see her as family. Its cruel to a child!

Phoenixfire1988 · 15/12/2023 17:00

Yanbu it's extremely sh!tty thing to do to exclude your daughter who lives with your dh and its also very sh!tty your dh sees no issue with it

ScartlettSole · 15/12/2023 17:17

Nah this is shite patter. We are a blended family, i have a daughter, my husband has son and we have a daughter together. We all lived together (oldest daughter has moved out to her own place) and if my side invited the girls but not our son, i would be saying to them.
Its fine to invite no children but to invite one and it not the other from the same family is just wrong.

If i was your husband, theyd be looking fir a new best man 🤷🏼‍♀️

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 15/12/2023 17:19

Just to check - your DH's cousin has invited both you and your DH to the wedding? But the child who lives with you is only 9 years old. What does the cousin imagine will happen? Does he expect you to get a childminder for her, as she's too young to be left home alone?
Utterly bizarre, especially as it's not a child-free event.
I think your DH should contact the couple to say "we assume all three of us are invited, as we don't have anyone who can look after <your daughter's name> on the day" and see what they say. Otherwise, what does he think is going to happen?!

The fact that they've chosen to invite his other daughter to be a bridesmaid isn't so relevant, and you'd be better off not conflating the two issues. It's a bit weird that they've invited her but not her mum. Will your DH be responsible for transporting her around on the day, on top of his Best Man duties?

jenny38 · 15/12/2023 17:25

I would get your husband to call his cousin: thanks for the invitation, I just need to double check, did you forget to add x name to the invite? Or is she not included? Depending on the response: that’s a shame, obviously my partner won’t be coming as it would be tricky with my step daughter. Give them af chance to step up. People’s heads go crazy over weddings.

ScribblingPixie · 15/12/2023 18:01

I would expect DH to politely say 'can I ask why you've only invited one of my daughters' to his cousin.

Exactly!

KatyJ89 · 15/12/2023 18:56

I'm surprised by the responses here. There's no way I would exclude a step daughter in a million years! I'd clarify then not go if she isn't. I wouldn't go if it was me in that scenario and I think it's showing you their true colours.

Original poster
Tinogirl · 15/12/2023 21:33

Husband did ask cousin if my girl is invited and he said he would ask fiancée but no not invited. Mother-in-law said to me “Oh Darling I wouldn’t think they’d think she was related and can’t your sister-in-law have her?”
Husband asked me if I would reconsider going but I won’t. He just accepts that they don’t see her as family.

My husband always corrects strangers if they assume she is his daughter saying to me it wouldn’t be fair to his own daughter. He is always good to my daughter and does subsidise her expenses.

OP posts:
arewedoneyet · 15/12/2023 21:36

Tinogirl · 15/12/2023 21:33

Husband did ask cousin if my girl is invited and he said he would ask fiancée but no not invited. Mother-in-law said to me “Oh Darling I wouldn’t think they’d think she was related and can’t your sister-in-law have her?”
Husband asked me if I would reconsider going but I won’t. He just accepts that they don’t see her as family.

My husband always corrects strangers if they assume she is his daughter saying to me it wouldn’t be fair to his own daughter. He is always good to my daughter and does subsidise her expenses.

Tbh I think the family sound horrible, the husband, cousin, fiancée and MIL.

I'd be reconsidering my relationship with all of them.

WorriedMum231 · 15/12/2023 21:43

My husband always corrects strangers if they assume she is his daughter saying to me it wouldn’t be fair to his own daughter. He is always good to my daughter and does subsidise her expenses.

my OH is Step Dad to 3 of my DC and bio Dad to youngest. He would never do that. He would never, ever say what your DH has said here. Why are you with him?