Daughter not invited to wedding

[Tinogirl]

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year.
She lives entirely with us.
Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

@Notthegodofsmallthings and @WorriedMum231 have nailed it.

Anyone who defends this is talking absolute bollocks and should be ashamed of themselves.

It can still be a bonding event without excluding family members. Unless OP got married incredibly quickly, he has effectively been his stepdaughter’s father since she was at least 2. Anyone who thinks leaving her out is acceptable is unpleasant at best and for him to think it’s ok is cruel and frankly, weird.

Honestly OP, do you think someone such as your MIL (GP of Step D) or one of DH's female relatives, or even your DH, may have said that this is DSD's special day, and her family, and that she doesn't want your DD there. She may feel resentful of your DH being there for your DD all the time and not want to share this event. You say she doesn't want to stay over, and she doesn't interact with your DD. Could she be resentful of her? There may be more to this you haven't realised. She may have just said "why does she always have to be there".

DSD may be being a Bridesmaidzilla.

I actually went to a wedding recently where the bride had to ask her DSD to be a bridesmaid and didn't ask anyone from her side of the family. Some people are now very pissed off with the bride. All the talk was about the bridesmaid and how she was going to look, and the grooms speech was raving about how beautiful she looked. She was an adult!!!!

Unless ive missed it, have they actually told you she is not invited, or did they just leave her name off the invitation assuming that you would bring her anyway and they wouldn't need to include it on the invite?

OP,

Your last comments are sympathetic again. I always thought YANBU about the wedding, but the first background you gave us made DH sound like he might not have been prioritising his own DD. Now you say that he is.

It sounds now like your DSD’s GM and her sister might have something to do with this. Whatever, it’s wrong. But that little girl surely hurts. However welcoming your DD tries to be, seeing your DD live full time with her own daddy has got to be a very bitter pill. I don’t care how polite she is (that is a credit to her). Showing indifference is preferable to showing hurt - at least, I would see it that way.

From your perspective, your DD is the one without any paternal involvement so I imagine you can think DSD relatively lucky. But she won’t see it that way.

Again, I think the family are dead wrong on this, whatever the reason.

You have every right to decline but not to insist.

But he isn’t her father, and OP hasn’t said he considers himself to be either. If he doesn’t consider himself to be her father, why would his family consider themselves to be her grandparents/aunts/uncles? Even if he did consider himself to be her father, those aren’t roles anyone can demand they accept.

My point wasn’t about forcing anyone to consider her to be their granddaughter/niece whatever. But there is basic human decency and consideration. As for the stepfather he absolutely does not get off the hook that easily. OP said the child sees her paternal family a couple of times a year. To all intents and purposes, stepfather is her father as he has been the only paternal figure regularly in her life since she was a baby. He might not feel the same way but he should be trying his damned hardest not to let it show in blatantly obvious ways. The cousin may be thoughtless in this scenario (and could very possibly be mortified once it’s pointed out to him) but the stepfather’s reaction shows he is any number of things I won’t print here and at the very least should be completely ashamed of himself!

It’s their wedding, they can invite who they want. It’s up to you whether you go or not but you’re being ridiculous to consider forcing someone to invite someone.

What hook is he trying to get off? 😂 He isnt on one. He isn’t her father, whether you think he should consider himself to be is irrelevant. Not every blended family aims to emulate a nuclear one, and they don’t have to.

They're extending consideration to their niece, who is presumably also worthy of it.

*LolaSmiles · Yesterday 22:30

You see I think he totally stepped up to being a father and while he is a perfectly good stepfather my daughter and I are secondary to her.
Everybody male and female should put their child above everyone else but this isn’t life and death it’s a bloody wedding and one nine year old. I am so upset*

Whereas I'd say a few visits a week and once a month overnight whilst the rest of his time is spent being step dad to his new partner's child isn't stepping up and is likely to cause issues either at the time or down the road. FWIW I also think a lot of non-resident fathers don't step up and are quick to prioritise playing stepfather to their new partner's children. Then they seem surprised down the line that their children and wider family see things differently

This seems quite a lot of time considering most people I know have children seeing the non resident parent EOW and at a press once during the week once every other week

It is down to the daughter where and when she sees her father. If she doesn’t want to spend overnights in his home and in his life then obviously the overnights are going to be reduced.

I cant see why a 4 or 5 year old child trying to welcome another 4 or 5 year old child they have never met into their home and lives and trying to put them at ease and finding common ground is seen as anything other than a lovely thing to do.
It says more about the other 4 or 5 year old and the parents who wouldn’t give it time to break the ice. Of course things are going to be strained at first but it was at that point to persevere and do shorter meetings over a longer period of time instead of going straight to separation when it comes to overnights

Who ever made the decision to exclude this fathers stepdaughter I suspect will look back and see this as a Pyrrhic victory
I know of families where a non invite to someone living in a family unit.
( In one case 2nd wife and biological child weren’t invited) and should have been invited has eventually split this extended family apart
Even early on the whole extended dynamics of the family changed with B&G no longer being made welcome in the non invited persons home. The spouse having to always put more effort to see family members.
Gradually seeing certain family and family events got less and less interesting when they had to go alone and everyone else was there with their own family.

This is hilarious.

Do you normally add names of people you think should have been invited on to invitations sent to you with your name on it?

I'm not talking about the rights or wrongs of a host not inviting people you think should be there, but remarking on your unbelievable chutzpah taking it upon yourself to second guess the hosts.

Take a step back and look at yourself.

Having said that,There was also a previous posterwho invited friends to her wedding and was disappointed none of them brought their children. BECAUSE SHE HADN'T INVITED THEM!! Duoh😶

Yalta
I also think those non-resident parents aren't stepping up to day to day parenting either, especially if the rest of the time they're focusing on raising their new partner's children.

The OP and her daughter sound lovely and I agree with you, her daughter trying to connect is nice.

Overall I think this is a situation where the cousin is being blamed unfairly for a situation and dynamic that wasn't their creation, and the fall out is two children getting hurt in different ways from the situation that neither of them chose either.

You need to make the cousin see it from the eyes of your child. She would be devastated to realise she didn’t get to go but other kids did. I can totally see where you’re coming from OP.

Wouldn’t be a problem if DH daughter wasn’t invited also. But they are siblings, step siblings but siblings. You wouldn’t invite one sibling and not the other. YANBU

I agree completely! I'd just politely decline

Some of the comments on here are ridiculous! I wouldn’t dream of singling out one child against another, whether they are blood related or not. Perhaps they haven’t considered how unwelcome/left out/ not part of the family your daughter would feel. I would certainly mention it to your partner and I don’t see what harm it would do for him to mention it to his cousin. It’s not a case of dictating who they invite, but if they realised the potential harm it could do they may rethink.

There's been a few posts along these lines,

Isn't it enough to make OP's DSD a bridesmaid? Why isn't that special enough?

According to these theories, this is a way the adults in the situation can compensate DSD for any slights she may feel ( and we don't know if she does feel that way) Surely there are better ways to do that.

I also note that OP said of her DH.

"I just think that he doesn’t see why his cousin would consider my daughter to be family."

Why? Because DH does, or ought to! According to OP this not the only time DD's been left out.

The cousin can think what he wants, invite who he wants and OP can choose whether to attend. But all wedding considerations aside as a separate issue, I don't think the cousin should be allowed to decide DD's status in the extended family. Whatever happens with the wedding If I were OP I'd expect DH should do that.
Children shouldn't be shut out in this fashion.

Honestly excluding kids from family weddings is unbelievable! They are part of the family. End of!!

I agree with you that making OP’s DSD a bridesmaid ought to be ample. I would have thought OP’s DD should be one, too, but I can just barely understand a decision that this would cause too much strain on the other young girl -especially now that OP says her DSD comes first with OP’s DH.

It is unclear who is driving the decision, but it doesn’t really matter. If my husband were fine with my daughter being treated this way by his family I would be furious.

None of this takes away from my view that the living situation is likely very hard on OP’s DSD.

All this fuss over one day is ridiculous.

There is no ‘family unit’ that the DD has been excluded from.
The real issue here should be why DSD feels so uncomfortable around OP/her DD that she won’t even stay round her Dads house.

how wide off the mark you are.

He osnt your daughters stepdad. A stepdad wouldnt need his wife to point out a problem. A stepdad would say "why have you left one of my children out".

Tbh though, he is letting her call all the shots by allowing her to refuse to visit at home and be nice to your child.

Sorry OP but that man needs to be shown the door. He is putting his daughter first and you need to put yours first. How many more opportunities will he and his family get to show your daughter she isnt part of their family?

Hardly. It’s called the bigger picture rather than one little event.

Whilst I don’t think your being unreasonable from your posts OP I’m not entirely surprised.

It sounds like DH and family are perfectly nice to you DD but they don’t treat her as their own.

Also how old is SD? Whilst you say you don’t think there would be issues or if SD has issues with your DD you don’t know for certain. She’s perfectly polite but could be hiding a million things.

If it were me I wouldn’t push for an invite for DD and just not go myself. Explain your reasons now. Your DH should understand and your dd won’t know she was excluded.