Daughter not invited to wedding

[Tinogirl]

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year.
She lives entirely with us.
Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

That is unfortunate. You’re going to have to adopt some grandparents for her. I know quite a few families who have adopted their grandparents; co-workers, neighbors, past teachers, etc. Do make sure she knows that she is not the problem and that she is special. Success is always the best revenge.

"Perhaps a better approach would be for them to simply say that husband and his daughter will be going but the OP will stay at home with her daughter because they don't want her to feel left out if she's the only one not going."

This would be my answer as well.
I would be hurt, but not necessarily try to change opinion.
Instead, I would aim to do something nice with my daughter instead.

My dad passed last year but my mother is still around and obviously sees my daughter the youngest of her five grandchildren.

This is what I would do.

You've not given the impression that you don't see your stepdaughter, but as you acknowledge a few visits a week and a monthly overnight isn't exactly an ideal situation.
Really she has a father who needed to have stepped up in some way.From the outside it sounds like, for whatever reason, he's decided that the new relationship and stepchild is more important than getting to a place with his daughter where she feels comfortable to blend into a family (either by drifting and bending to the demands of a child for an easy life with his daughter whilst maintaining his new family unit, or by not being too bothered about blending her in and it suits him to have limited day to day parenting because he has a new family unit, or a mix of both).

You sound lovely OP and it seems like you're very open to including your step daughter so it's understandable that you and your daughter would feel upset by the cousin's decision, but as you say yourself your husband's parenting decisions aren't exactly an ideal situation for the family to be in

If my child was not invited but other children were I would decline.

You see I think he totally stepped up to being a father and while he is a perfectly good stepfather my daughter and I are secondary to her.
Everybody male and female should put their child above everyone else but this isn’t life and death it’s a bloody wedding and one nine year old. I am so upset.

I do think YABU making this about your DD.
I still see this as a lovely bonding event for DH and his Bio DD and I don’t think that should be ruined.

When she is here she is very, very polite but she has no interest in my daughter.
She isn’t doing anything wrong. She does not need to have any interest in you or your daughter. It’s her and her Dads relationship that is important, you sound very self absorbed here.

The cousin and his soon to be wife are totally out of order not inviting your daughter.
It's not as if she's just a random gf's kid, you are married and she's been a member of the family for at least 5 years.
Your dh should have spoken to his cousin as soon as the invite was received and sorted this out.
This would be it for me with the cousin and I wouldn't want to go now even if they extended the invite, go away for that weekend with your daughter and have nothing to do with any of the wedding. I would also make sure I was out whenever they decided to come round again.
You must be incredibly hurt op. Ignore all these posters that are inferring you are over reacting. I'm sure if they were in your situation they would feel hurt and angry too!

My husband and stepdaughter have a very close bond already. They have tons of opportunities to bond. I don’t think my daughter’s presence at a wedding would get in the way of this bond.
I am genuinely sad that we are denied this opportunity to be together at what sounds like a lovely day in a lovely setting.

It's actually upsetting to think that children who have joined a new family, whether that be via adoption, fostering, marriage or any other way, would be excluded on any level by their extended family, and anyone would think this was ok.

What a graceless pair.

You see I think he totally stepped up to being a father and while he is a perfectly good stepfather my daughter and I are secondary to her.
Everybody male and female should put their child above everyone else but this isn’t life and death it’s a bloody wedding and one nine year old. I am so upset.
Whereas I'd say a few visits a week and once a month overnight whilst the rest of his time is spent being step dad to his new partner's child isn't stepping up and is likely to cause issues either at the time or down the road. FWIW I also think a lot of non-resident fathers don't step up and are quick to prioritise playing stepfather to their new partner's children. Then they seem surprised down the line that their children and wider family see things differently.

I don't understand how some people are so selfish and so stupid. Their wedding, their choice, has consequences. I know one couple, now married 3 months, who upset a lot of people with Their wedding, their choice and they are now scratching their heads as to why people are not happy with them and no longer wanting to hang out with them. If you want to get along with extended family, you need to pay a little consideration to them.

Also, this blood is thicker than water stupid line. Are some people from a clan and transported back to the 12th Century? Families these days are made up of bio, adopted, and step children. My extended family is. I genuinely feel no different to any of them because of how they arrived here.

I am sensing here that your Step D, or someone advocating for her, doesn't want your DD there as it is her side of the family, and your DD being there may take the shine away from her. Could this be true?

Just wave your DH off with a smile to the wedding and go do something really special with DD. A wedding or major event brings peoples true colours out. They have shown you that they are willing to exclude your DD, and don't see her as family. Well, that works both ways. If your DC is not their family, then that makes them not family to you too. Make sure that for now on your DH pulls the weight for his cousin and wife, and you do nothing for them.

I absolutely agree too!!

I could not agree enough. It's no children or all children. To sigle a child out is terrible

How will your step daughter get to the wedding? If her mother isn’t invited and her father hasn’t had his step daughter invited but his wife was?
Was his cousin just expecting you to leave her at home while you all went off to the wedding?! It’s not like she’s old enough to be at home alone

To be fair, they probably assume she could be looked after by the real villain of this tale which is OP’s daughter’s waste of space of a father. I doubt OP would be half as upset about her in laws’ guestlist if her daughter had an involved father whose wider family she would be part of and maybe go to weddings with etc if he actually acted like a parent.

@MiddleParking I agree totally with this. The poor girl.

Why are people trying to justify leaving out a child? We are the grown ups, it’s not ok to make a child in the family feel less than because they don’t share your blood. It’s just awful.

100% agree with this

"To be fair, they probably assume she could be looked after by the real villain of this tale which is OP’s daughter’s waste of space of a father. I doubt OP would be half as upset about her in laws’ guestlist if her daughter had an involved father whose wider family she would be part of and maybe go to weddings with etc if he actually acted like a parent."
Actually I would still be upset if my child was/was likely to be.
One of the most heart breaking things ever said to me was one of mine asking "why doesn't anyone invite me to their party?"

Your not biological family and you've been invited so that kind of removes the whole "SD not seen as family" because surely as an extension of you, she should be viewed the same.

Weddings are made up of family and friends anyway, assuming it's not just a family affair? Surely after all this time they know SD well enough for her to be included if other children are. Are friends children invited or just "family"?

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