Daughter not invited to wedding

[Tinogirl]

I have been married for five years with a nine year old from a previous relationship. Ex sees his daughter two or three times a year.
She lives entirely with us.
Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter.

I've had to learn this lesson this year- you have a right to invite who you like to your wedding, but equally I have a right to decline.

So fed up with people who don't invite children to weddings (family) it's just divisive.

It's even worse when some children are invited but not others. I would tell your husband that he should go it's his family, but that you will remain home with your daughter.

Every wedding invite this year I've had excluded children (all family) I declined all bar my brothers- who I'm still deeply hurt about but will not create a family rift over. In this instance I went but my husband stayed with the child. They were unhappy with that arrangement but tough- you exclude people you reap the consequences!

My point is that you're assuming that the DH's daughter being part of the wedding is all about her relationship (or lack thereof) with her dad. We have absolutely zero reason to believe this to be the case.

DH's daughter is clearly in touch with the extended family (and the bride/groom) directly, otherwise OP & DH wouldn't have been surprised to find out that she was in the wedding when he picked her up for visitation. Just because his relationship with her is shit doesn't mean the the rest of the family is the same.

This isn't Downton and DH is not the focus of this wedding. It's weird to dismiss the very real possibility that the bride & groom invited the daughter because they love her and want her in their wedding.

I think it's shitty of them but you can't demand she's invited.

You can, however, turn down the invitation and that's what I'd do and if they asked why, I'd tell them.

It sounds very sad that your stepdaughter never spends time with her father apart from in another house (MIL). Coupled with you mentioning he wasn’t really in a relationship with her mother and then he got together with someone else (you) with a daughter so close in age to his daughter, and then he gets married and spends more time with his stepdaughter than his daughter. Maybe people feel sad for his daughter and feel she has had a rough deal and want her to have a special day as their bridesmaid. I think there must be a big backstory. Did your DH ever spend time overnight with his daughter in his own home before he got into a relationship with you / could they link his daughter losing out on attention with the moment when you came along?

Unless it’s a child free wedding it’s a bit shitty to invite one child in a family and leave one child out. Sorry Bethany, we are all off to a wedding and your step sister is bridesmaid but you’re not invited. Sorry but I wouldn’t attend in those circumstances.

@Tinogirl have you seen this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4899088-ex-turned-down-invitation-on-behalf-of-our-child?reply=129285417

it might give you a perspective from the other side, so to speak.

@pollymere - well luckily we are not living 100 years ago when people would prioritise the feelings of a deadbeat dad over his 10 year old child. Who cares if he feels some shame - why shouldn't he? Why is the bar so low for fathers?

We know she doesn’t want to be around her stepmother and stepsister. That’s it. We have no idea as to the reasons for this, or the dynamics of the relationships between them. Not wanting this doesn’t make her inherently unreasonably or wrong.

We also know that her stepsister has been desperate to have a sisterly relationship, which is something she may very well not want to deal with on a day she’s bridesmaid and enjoying the company of her family.

The DH will of course make his own choices as to what best suits him, but the fact is that he doesn’t have a problem with his cousin’s decision and isn’t obliged to just because Op does.

That’s rude

So your DH is comfortable with your child not being invited. I'd say the problem is more about his attitude to you and his stepdaughter and the wedding has flushed it out.

I wouldn't go to the wedding by the way, and I'd be taking a good hard look at my marriage too.

OP I would be declining the invite saying I had no babysitter. I think it is lousy behaviour from the couple & worse that your DH doesn't even see it. I had a similar situation & declined & was told ok you can bring your child if you have to, am no thanks if they weren't good enough to invite in the first place then they aren't going. I completely understand a child free wedding or wedding party only but yours & mine were different situations.

OP, is a wedding not a trip to Disney. I wouldn't go and plan something nice for both of us.

Their wedding their choice.
your child, your choice.
if they are trying to limit numbers then tell them you’ll help them out and not go. Then take your daughter away for the weekend.

Hello again Thank you for your responses. I think that I have given the impression that we don’t see my stepdaughter. I see her a couple of times a week usually. While I accept the relationship with her dad isn’t the same as if they lived under the same roof I would argue that they are incredibly close given the unusual circumstances.
When she is here she is very, very polite but she has no interest in my daughter.
People have suggested that DH’s cousin has deliberately chosen step-daughter to be a bridesmaid because they feel sorry for her. I don’t believe this for a moment. Nor do I think she would have particularly objected to my daughter’s presence at the wedding, she just wouldn’t have instigated a chat or anything.
I have told my husband that I am declining the invitation. He has said that he will ask if my daughter can be invited which I actually wanted initially but now I don’t. I don’t want her to be invited under sufferance.
He is annoyed with me but his annoyance never lasts long. I just think that he doesn’t see why his cousin would consider my daughter to be family.
If people met my stepdaughter they would not have suggested that my husband would need to look after her at the wedding. She is very confident and besides his mother, sister aunt and cousins will all be there.
This afternoon apparently stepdaughter’s mother texted asking if the wedding was in a church, it isn’t, as she wanted him to ask his cousin if she could be in the grounds to see stepdaughter in dress. Ah well, another disappointed mother!

I voted YANBU.

The cousin's decision to not invite the OP's daughter sends a pretty shitty message about the girl's status in the family. Her step sister has not only been invited but is a bridesmaid; plus she lives full-time with the OP and her DH; plus she knows the cousin well. But no invitation for you! I agree with others that if the cousin and his fiancee cannot or will not amend the invitation, it may be worth sitting this one out.

I wouldn’t go and honestly I worked to rethink your relationship if your husband goes . Your daughter has been part if the family for 5 years and she is out aside because she is not genetically related to your husband ? What happens if you ever have more children , your child will always be second best ?

I don't blame you for being upset. This is a cruel and divisive way to treat a child

Guessing you didn't serve food or have tabled seating

Yanbu

they obviously don’t see your child as part of their family.
i would worry how this will affect your daughter in the long run, will there be future family engagements where she will be excluded?
i would be reconsidering my relationship and definitely would not be having anything to do with your husbands family

If your husband was never really in a relationship with his daughter's mother where did he see her for contact before he moved in with you? He now stays at your MILs with her.
Do your in-laws treat both the girls the same? Is your husband's daughter close to her grandparents and the cousin's parents.
I wonder if their are other family dynamics at play in your husband's daughter resisting visiting your home and that this is all more complex than it first appears.
I feel sorry for both the girls and I can see it from both their points of view.

Do this!

My daughter isn’t close to her grandparents and sees them when she sees her father which is rarely.
My in-laws are perfectly friendly but do not treat her the same as their granddaughters and grand son. My mother-in-law and her sister go away with their granddaughters a couple of times a year. My daughter has never been included but their grandsons aren’t either.
My stepdaughter isn’t particularly resistant to coming to the house but doesn’t want to stay.

Or RSVP cards

I suspect the closeness between your step daughter and your MIL and her sister is a factor in how this has come about.