Page 11 | Daughter not invited to wedding

SheerLucks · 13/12/2023 13:40

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 12:08

Perhaps a better approach would be for them to simply say that husband and his daughter will be going but the OP will stay at home with her daughter because they don't want her to feel left out if she's the only one not going.

That way it's not asking directly for an invitation but it's making it clear that leaving the OP's daughter out is likely to be hurtful for her.

This is the best idea I think.

Yalta · 13/12/2023 14:46

notlucreziaborgia

*You have no idea what this kid expects of her father, or what the dynamics are in any of her relationships. It may be that she quite simply doesn’t like OP and OP’s DD

Generally adults can indeed choose who they socialise with - be they family, friends or colleagues. She’s not merely been asked to socialise with her stepsister though, or even to be civil during an event they’re both required to be at (and this isn’t an event they’re both required to be at!). She’s being asked to have a sisterly relationship with OP’s daughter. She doesn’t want that and she doesn’t have to provide that either.

The DH doesn’t have a problem with his cousin doing this, so I doubt he’d have a problem with spending time with his cousin and family without OP and her daughter*

But we do know what this child expects. She expects 100% attention from her father and mother and for her step sister and her fathers wife to not exist.

No one is expecting this girl to be sisterly to her step sister. It is a wedding. She can ignore her step sister if she wants to.

Whilst no one but the bride and groom need be at this wedding but if they are going to invite family and friends then if you invite a cousin and his wife and cousins dd then you also invite cousins step daughter that he lives with.

If the step father doesn’t have a problem with what his cousin has done and continues to go to these type of events alone without his wife and step child then eventually he will either stop going or stop being married.

I suppose he has to come to a decision which he values more. Family birthdays and weddings or Family birthdays and weddings.

SwingTheMonkey · 13/12/2023 15:16

Oriunda · 13/12/2023 06:58

I agree with (seemingly the) minority here. Amongst everyone demanding that a child be invited to her stepfather’s cousin’s wedding, there is another child in this story. A young girl who has to see her father living with his new family and with another young girl. She’s uncomfortable enough with this situation that she doesn’t want to stay in this other home, and doesn’t want a relationship with this child.

A family occasion is coming up. She’s been invited to be bridesmaid. Then she finds out that this other child who, in her eyes, already has the benefit of living with her own father, is going to be turning up. She’s only 10, and clearly there is a back story here. It might not be right, but this little girl probably wants one day where she has her father to herself, surrounded by her wider family.

Obviously the cousin will choose to make this little girl feel comfortable, so if he has to choose, he will choose his cousin’s daughter over his cousin’s stepdaughter. It doesn’t make the cousin the baddy.

Unfortunately, the OP’s family hasn’t successfully blended yet; how can it be blended when her DH daughter refuses to stay with them?

That’s quite the story you’ve written there - where did you get the extra details nobody else has been privy to?

How on earth would a 10 year old child, who lives full time with her mother, have managed to gain sight of the guest list for the wedding of her father’s cousin?

curaçao · 13/12/2023 15:30

SwingTheMonkey · 13/12/2023 15:16

That’s quite the story you’ve written there - where did you get the extra details nobody else has been privy to?

How on earth would a 10 year old child, who lives full time with her mother, have managed to gain sight of the guest list for the wedding of her father’s cousin?

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She obviously doesnt like her new stepmum and step sister and if sge us close enough to the groom ti be invited to be in the wedding party, is close enough ti have asked if they will be there.

SwingTheMonkey · 13/12/2023 15:35

curaçao · 13/12/2023 15:30

She obviously doesnt like her new stepmum and step sister and if sge us close enough to the groom ti be invited to be in the wedding party, is close enough ti have asked if they will be there.

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Exceptionally unlikely that a 10 year old wedding guest would have any sway over the guest list of her father’s cousin’s wedding.

What sort of adult listens to a 10 year old saying ‘I don’t like x and y, you can’t invite them to your wedding’ and they say ‘oh ok’.

Lulu123450 · 13/12/2023 15:36

I think you are being very reasonable! If your husbands daughter is invited & there are other children at the wedding I think they are totally unreasonable! I wouldn’t want to go to the wedding knowing she had been left out like this.

Lulu123450 · 13/12/2023 15:37

Perfect, that’s exact what I would do x

PixieLaLar · 13/12/2023 15:58

I don’t know the ins and outs but the fact the girls are so close in age it’s no wonder DH’s DD doesn’t want to stay round, she probably feels pushed out/replaced (not anyone’s fault but bound the happen).

I actually feel sad for his DD and why not just let them have this one day together? I think you should stay home with your DD and not make a big deal out of a one off event.

BurbageBrook · 13/12/2023 16:13

YANBU OP, absolutely horrible to leave your daughter out! Shocked at the response. 'Your wedding your choice' only goes so far, at some point basic human decency comes in.

DysmalRadius · 13/12/2023 17:26

The OP's husband has perpetuated a situation where he only spends one overnight a month with his daughter in a house that neither of them live in.

I think going in hard to try and get his step-daughter invited to a party while he has allowed his relationship with his own child to deteriorate to this extent would really highlight his priorities. Maybe his family are dicks, but perhaps his wider family are trying to force him to focus on his daughter for a day.

furtivetussling · 13/12/2023 17:30

This is so thoughtless, crass, and a total absence of any kind of etiquette or manners.
You are a family unit. You and DH, your dc and his dc. You are a team of 4. How can they leave a little kid out and think it is acceptable?

velvetstars · 13/12/2023 17:44

It is the cousins prerogative to invite who they want, or don't want, to their wedding.

However, as MN saying goes 'it's an invitation not a summons". You do not have to attend and I certainly wouldn't if I were you.

My cousin got remarried and gained a DSD when I was growing up. I didn't view the DSD as my direct family as she had her family on both her mum and dad's sides. However, I very much saw her as an important part of my cousins family and she was always invited and welcomed to all family events. It would have been incredibly unkind and unnecessary to exclude a child already dealing with a split family situation.

You don't have the right to insist they invite your daughter, and in all honesty it would likely ring hollow now anyway as you will always know this how they see your DD. I wouldn't want to socialise with people who would think it ok to exclude a child in this way so I would pull back entirely from the couple. No need to create drama around it now. They have made their decision and in the future you will make yours.

If you create an issue out of this now, you will be deemed at fault. Carry yourself with dignity and say nothing other than declining the invitation.

Take your DD somewhere wonderful that day so she thinks of it as being a lovely day with you rather than a day she wasn't with others.

notlucreziaborgia · 13/12/2023 17:51

furtivetussling · 13/12/2023 17:30

This is so thoughtless, crass, and a total absence of any kind of etiquette or manners.
You are a family unit. You and DH, your dc and his dc. You are a team of 4. How can they leave a little kid out and think it is acceptable?

Because they aren’t a ‘team’ - his daughter doesn’t spend the because she doesn’t like OP and OP’s daughter, and has zero interest in being a sister.

The DH’s daughter is a bridesmaid and their family member, it’s likely they’re prioritizing her happiness and comfort on the day over inviting someone she doesn’t want to be around.

NutellaNut · 13/12/2023 17:56

I certainly wouldn’t go and leave your daughter behind. The cousin clearly doesn’t see her as part of the family, which is pretty shitty under the circumstances. Just decline the invite and if he wonders why your husband will be going alone, your DH can tell him. In your shoes, i don’t think I could help being pretty frosty to the cousin in future, knowing how he really feels about your family.

agonyau · 13/12/2023 18:13

You have to respect the wishes of the bride & groom even if you cannot understand their intentions logic/reasoning on their guest choice. You might be reading too much into their intentions, they probably had to invite their cousins children knowing there would be no way they could get childcare otherwise since all the grandparents etc would be at the wedding, whereas your daughter has her Dad to look after her as he is definitely not family. As fond of your daughter as they may be, if there is any way they can reduce the number of children who would likely cost just as much to accommodate as adults then they are going to do so - weddings aren’t cheap!

Danielle9891 · 13/12/2023 18:24

If you say something it could be taken the wrong way so get your husband to ask for clarification if she's invited or not as he has two daughters not just one. If she's not then I wouldn't go if I was you or your husband.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/12/2023 18:32

Tinogirl · 12/12/2023 21:56

Money and space isn’t an issue. DH is good to my daughter but doesn’t see why his cousin would see her as a niece but he sees my child more than the one who is a bridesmaid.

"Husband and his cousin are like brothers and husband was asked to be his best man at the end of the summer.
Cousin and his partner have often been guests and know my daughter very well.
Invitation arrived with just our names on which upset me but that’s their choice but husband collected his daughter who is 10 and turns out she is a bridesmaid and other children are invited.
I think he needs to ask cousin to include my daughter."

Sadly, you have a DH problem as well as a bride&groom problem. Bottom line, none of them see your DD as family, and your DH really, really should. But it's clear that he doesn't, or he'd have said to his cousin about DD being invited.

Personally, I'd be declining the invitation and reassessing my relationship with B&G. I'd be damned if I'd lift a finger to host them from now on. DH could continue to have them as guests, but he'd be hosting alone.

Inviting your daughter now won't repair the damage already done - they've made it perfectly clear how they view your daughter, and by extension how they view you. And so has your husband.

pollymere · 13/12/2023 18:54

Id be getting your DH to point out that he feels uncomfortable his daughter doesn't seem to be invited to the wedding (if Bridesmaid Girl BD wasn't on the invite, this could mean both are invited). Don't use terms like Step. She's his daughter now. Point out that guests would spend time asking where DD9 is and it would also reflect badly on the family as it suggests they don't accept you or DD9.

It strikes me that a hundred year's ago no one would dream of inviting a child who the Father has little to do with to a wedding. It would have been extremely embarrassing. And to make her a feature is pointing out that your DH has a child with whom he no longer has a relationship with the mother of, and not much of a one with the child. It's even worse if your child is not invited.

I feel the etiquette is completely out of balance but maybe I've just been Boxsetting Downton too much recently.

Bugbabe1970 · 13/12/2023 19:06

This is awful
I wouldn't go
How hurtful for you and your daughter

AGoingConcern · 13/12/2023 19:11

pollymere · 13/12/2023 18:54

Id be getting your DH to point out that he feels uncomfortable his daughter doesn't seem to be invited to the wedding (if Bridesmaid Girl BD wasn't on the invite, this could mean both are invited). Don't use terms like Step. She's his daughter now. Point out that guests would spend time asking where DD9 is and it would also reflect badly on the family as it suggests they don't accept you or DD9.

It strikes me that a hundred year's ago no one would dream of inviting a child who the Father has little to do with to a wedding. It would have been extremely embarrassing. And to make her a feature is pointing out that your DH has a child with whom he no longer has a relationship with the mother of, and not much of a one with the child. It's even worse if your child is not invited.

I feel the etiquette is completely out of balance but maybe I've just been Boxsetting Downton too much recently.

We don't have any information about said daughter's relationship with the rest of DH's family, including the people getting married. She may be extremely close with her cousins, grandparents, and/or the groom.

confusedaboutclothes · 13/12/2023 19:18

Why do people feel the need to say ‘their wedding their choice’ like it wouldn’t be? That’s not the point…and it doesn’t excuse them for being dickheads and excluding a member of a family!

pollymere · 13/12/2023 19:19

@AGoingConcern No - but the OP has said that her DH didn't have much of a relationship with BD's mother and BD doesn't want to live with them and doesn't have a close relationship to her Dad.

So basically you're the Best Man at a wedding and someone decides to put focus on something you potentially did wrong in your past rather than having a focus on your current life and family?

If it were Downton, he'd be in the corner with his head in his hands over the shame and scandal. I doubt BD (Bridesmaid daughter) knows them all that well if her own Dad barely sees her.

gnarlynarwhal · 13/12/2023 19:19

Wow, I’m surprised at the voting on this thread. That is just plain nasty OP. I wouldn’t be going if I were you.

gnarlynarwhal · 13/12/2023 19:21

furtivetussling · 13/12/2023 17:30

This is so thoughtless, crass, and a total absence of any kind of etiquette or manners.
You are a family unit. You and DH, your dc and his dc. You are a team of 4. How can they leave a little kid out and think it is acceptable?

Exactly this - so horrible to exclude a little girl.

blushroses6 · 13/12/2023 19:21

This seems really mean to me. They clearly don’t consider her to be family considering they’ve known her since she was 4! I wouldn’t attend and make the point of saying that you won’t be there because you don’t want her to feel left out. Weddings seem to bring out the absolute worst in people.