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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Health visitor insisting on coming

102 replies

cherrypie95 · 12/12/2023 15:38

I have an appointment with the HV tomorrow and I text her to re arrange for when my son has had his 8 week vaccinations.

I live in a city where we are now having an outbreak of Whooping Cough so I am quite concerned about this.

The HV was supposed to be weighing my son and told me "she has to come and weigh him".
All other checks were done a few weeks ago and was fine.

I have been told that the HV service is optional and I dont appreciate being bullied into something I am not comfortable with.

Am I being unreasonable and how would I go about this as the HV is adamant that she is still coming round.

OP posts:
kretford · 12/12/2023 15:40

Just be out and keep your phone off when she is supposed to come around.

SusanSHelit · 12/12/2023 15:40

She can come and knock on your door as hard as she likes. You don't have to let her in. It would be wise to let her weigh your baby though to make sure they haven't lost over 10% of birth weight

Sk8erboi · 12/12/2023 15:41

Not sure on the whooping cough relevance or why you're cancelling but I'd text back "Just to be clear, I was cancelling the appointment. I will not be available tomorrow to see you but I will rebook for ___"

LeakyPipes · 12/12/2023 15:42

I don't know what the legalities are, so best not rely upon what as say as advice, but if it's correct that there's no obligation to participate in HV visits, and bearing in mind that she was only coming to weigh him, then I'd explain about the whooping cough and ask her for a new date. If she were to turn up tomorrow then I wouldn't let her in.

MintJulia · 12/12/2023 15:42

If you don't want her there, call her and say that tomorrow isn't convenient, and offer her some other dates. Don't answer the door if she arrives.

But why don't you want her there? You can't isolate your child, so whooping cough is not really a reason.

Original poster
cherrypie95 · 12/12/2023 15:43

My son was weighed a few weeks ago and he has regained the birth weight he had lost.
She literally is just coming to weigh him.

OP posts:
LubaLuca · 12/12/2023 15:44

It's a bit of a leap, to accuse her of bullying. She's just being assertive in trying to meet her side of the bargain ie do her job.

Of course you too should be assertive and postpone the visit. You're not available then.

Ploctopus · 12/12/2023 15:44

Did you have the whooping cough vaccine when pregnant? If so your baby is protected for the first few weeks of life.

Checking the baby’s weight is quite important in the early days so I would consider carefully if you want to miss that appointment. But if you’re sure you don’t want to proceed you can just repeat to your HV that you’re declining the visit. She can’t force her way in.

Lochness1975 · 12/12/2023 15:44

How old is your son?

Original poster
cherrypie95 · 12/12/2023 15:46

LubaLuca · 12/12/2023 15:44

It's a bit of a leap, to accuse her of bullying. She's just being assertive in trying to meet her side of the bargain ie do her job.

Of course you too should be assertive and postpone the visit. You're not available then.

I text her nicely to express my concerns about the outbreak of Whopping Cough and she is still adamant she is coming as she has to weigh him before she goes on annual leave.

We have no problem with her coming after our son has had his vaccinations, we actually found her to be a lovely lady.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 12/12/2023 15:51

Guess it is different areas, but I had the HV around and they asked if I wanted to have DD weighed and I declined since her vaccinations are next week and she was happy with that. She pointed out my nearest weigh-in clinic which are also in the red book for the future and left it at that.

Had the whopping cough vaccine myself in May, but still understand being careful.

GrandHighPoohbah · 12/12/2023 15:52

I found HV appointments monumentally inconvenient and not at all useful with my first child, so didn't want them with my second (we have a drop in weighing clinic round the corner that I found much more convenient). They were really quite pushy so, after stating clearly I would not be keeping the appointment and them ignoring me, I just went about my business and wasn't in each time they called. You don't have to have them, and I found their insistence really annoying.

InTheRainOnATrain · 12/12/2023 15:54

Are you worried that the HV is going to have whooping cough, will come when she is unwell and give it to your DS?? If you are feeling overly anxious the HV can help, I think it wouldn’t be a bad idea to see her but if you’re really set on it just ask what day the weigh clinic is and say you’ll drop in to that instead?

Floooooof · 12/12/2023 15:58

Maybe she is concerned that you are coming across overly anxious and wants to check on you

Did you have the vaccine while you were pregnant? As far as I understand it should give your baby some protection for a while

Mumof2teens79 · 12/12/2023 15:58

I am sure the HV is vaccinated against WH and so there is no more risk than from any other adult.

HV checks are important for baby, and for you. And while you may have a perfectly good reason to miss or rearrange there will be other new mothers out there with any number of issues....PND or worse, substance abuse, neglecting baby, hurting baby. The HV visits are the first line of defence in identifying those.

Obviously I am not saying that's you, but if you try and postpone appointment for more than a day or two it starts to look potentially suspicious.

All she needs to do is see that you are both healthy and happy and not avoiding her to hide something.

Original poster
cherrypie95 · 12/12/2023 15:58

GrandHighPoohbah · 12/12/2023 15:52

I found HV appointments monumentally inconvenient and not at all useful with my first child, so didn't want them with my second (we have a drop in weighing clinic round the corner that I found much more convenient). They were really quite pushy so, after stating clearly I would not be keeping the appointment and them ignoring me, I just went about my business and wasn't in each time they called. You don't have to have them, and I found their insistence really annoying.

Yeah she did mention a drop in clinic during the last visit.

She was a lovely lady and I really enjoyed talking to her but I just do not feel comfortable having her round with a Whopping Cough outbreak.

Plus it is cold/flu season and the few times we have been out people have been coughing left, right and centre and I actually caught a cold last week after going to the estate agents (before the Whopping Cough outbreak).
I just want to do whats best for my baby.

My partner just said to ignore the door when she comes.

OP posts:
HowToSaveAWife · 12/12/2023 16:01

Don't overthink it. Either message and say just to be clear, we won't be available for the appt tomorrow. Will call to reschedule.

And after that... Be out/don't answer. I found HV appts so fucking intrusive with both kids, with the second I just said thanks but no thanks after the first weigh-in.

WonderLife · 12/12/2023 16:01

Just say no, you're cancelling this appointment but she can come and weigh him after Christmas.

WonderLife · 12/12/2023 16:03

InTheRainOnATrain · 12/12/2023 15:54

Are you worried that the HV is going to have whooping cough, will come when she is unwell and give it to your DS?? If you are feeling overly anxious the HV can help, I think it wouldn’t be a bad idea to see her but if you’re really set on it just ask what day the weigh clinic is and say you’ll drop in to that instead?

Wanting to avoid people unnecessarily handling your newborn isn't being overly anxious. The OP's request is perfectly reasonable.

DuploTrain · 12/12/2023 16:05

Did you actually cancel the appointment or just say you were concerned about whooping cough?

Also if you’ve been vaccinated that will protect the baby until he has his jabs.

I also don’t understand your reasoning because presumably the baby will be coming into contact with other people.

To be honest she might be keen to come because she’s worried about your anxiety levels and wants to make sure you’re okay.

TeaWithASplashOfMilk · 12/12/2023 16:08

I've just read another thread where nhs workers, dentist etc are saying that they still go to work if well enough, even if contagious with covid etc. I don't blame you OP.

beetr00 · 12/12/2023 16:13

@cherrypie95

if she is "insisting" just send another text saying you won't be home and wouldn't want her to have a wasted trip? (ignore your door if she still arrives) 🙂

GabriellaMontez · 12/12/2023 16:14

Agree with pp. Tell her you'll be out. Don't answer the door.

InTheRainOnATrain · 12/12/2023 16:15

WonderLife · 12/12/2023 16:03

Wanting to avoid people unnecessarily handling your newborn isn't being overly anxious. The OP's request is perfectly reasonable.

Show quote history

It’s a healthcare professional at a routine wellness appointment so I think it’s about as far removed from ‘unnecessary handling’ as you can get and OP’s level of concern about whooping cough does strike me as overly anxious. OP would have been offered a vaccine in pregnancy that protects baby until they have their own vaccine. The HV should also be vaccinated. It’s a rather odd thing to be worried about and if OP had said something like ‘it’s a faff to wait in, the HV is always late so AIBU to go to the weigh clinic when it suits me instead’ then I wouldn’t be thinking along those lines at all. Maybe I’m totally off the mark, if I am then OP can scroll on and ignore me, but post natal depression and post natal anxiety are incredibly common, there’s absolutely no shame in it and the health visitor can help.

LBFseBrom · 12/12/2023 16:20

kretford · 12/12/2023 15:40

Just be out and keep your phone off when she is supposed to come around.

Quite right! You do not need to have a Health Visitor come to your house, op. It really is optional. You go to baby clinics and that should suffice. Just be 'out' if and when she calls.