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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at having to organise what everyone else's gifts

123 replies

Lolasyms · 12/12/2023 14:19

Mine and OH's family have been constantly bombarding me with requests for idea's for gifts for Christmas. I've been happy to send them lots of ideas, telling them about what the children are interested in (lego, art etc ) even commenting that they could do with some pjs or clothes. However it's never good enough, they want me to send them pictures, links or sometimes are even offering to transfer me the money so I can buy the gift. AIBU to be irritated at this, they're adding to my already overwhelming to do list and I feel like it sort of goes against the whole point of gift giving. Im happy to confirm wether or not they have something, but I don't want to do everybody else's shopping!

OP posts:
vitahelp · 12/12/2023 15:36

I understand it is a bit annoying, but generally I do prefer people asking me and me sending them specific links. It saves duplicates and wasted gifts that DD might not want or need (yet more wasted plastic etc).

But if I ask someone and they don't give a clear answer, or just give me a theme I'm happy to choose something myself and wouldn't keep mithering you, and certainly wouldn't expect you to buy/wrap the items unless you lived in another country!!

cannotdoitanymore · 12/12/2023 15:37

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 12/12/2023 14:30

Set up a whatsapp group with you, Dh and his family, call it Christmas presents..... leave the group

😂
Definitely do this. Annoys the fuck out of me that no one ever pesters men for this information, it's always women! 🙄

Chalkdowns · 12/12/2023 15:41

And other posters complain about the house getting full of stuff the children don’t want or use. People are trying to avoid that. I think I’ll just start sending cash for Christmas.

Sproutier · 12/12/2023 15:44

Absolutely pass this on to your husband. Including the wrapping if they want you to do that.

I think it comes (largely) from a good place though. Children have so much these days, my own included. It's impossible to know what books they've already read, which Lego sets, games, Rubik's cubes they already have.

Sproutier · 12/12/2023 15:48

Chalkdowns · 12/12/2023 15:41

And other posters complain about the house getting full of stuff the children don’t want or use. People are trying to avoid that. I think I’ll just start sending cash for Christmas.

Yes I think this the main alternative. One of my children gets upset at getting money (he's autistic and doesn't feel able to spend it) so asking is always a good thing in my book.

MoltenLasagne · 12/12/2023 16:22

It winds me up no end! This year I've had to think of presents for all my side of the family, work out what I'm getting DH, and the kids which is all fair enough. But then on top of that I've also had endless requests of what I like, what DH would like, what could we get the kids, oh actually we'd rather get them something else, but can it be within this budget.

I put my foot down when BIL said he would just get amazon to deliver to ours so we could wrap after I'd sent a link to something that was exciting enough within his £10 budget.

You know when they say it's the thought that counts? I feel like I'm the only damn one doing any thinking.

mathanxiety · 12/12/2023 16:26

Agree with @MummyFriend

Send them the links.

If you really can't stand the fussing, make sure the items are expensive. That will teach them.

StripeyDeckchair · 12/12/2023 16:28

I sent out a list of suggestions for all 4 DC a few years ago to various askers.

One replied (to all id sent the email to) saying it would be far easier if I sent links to items rather than a list.

I replied quickly & not realising it was a reply to all.

  • FFS I work full time, have 4 kids, partner, would like to have some sort of social life and am organising everything for Christmas Eve, Day & Boxing Day for them, you & 14 others. I've already spoon-fed you ideas, do your own bloody shopping or just give the kids cash. I don't care, just don't be lazy & expect me to do your shopping.

No-one has ever asked me again

The kids mainly get money but they're happy with that and have the fun of spending it & getting exactly what they want.

thejadefish · 12/12/2023 16:31

My family do the same, except that I also have to wrap everything too & label it if I want to keep track plus DD's birthday is just before Christmas so I have to buy and wrap from my parents (who are in their 70's to be fair and dubious about ordering from the internet), my brother, my MIL and us for both Christmas and birthday at the same time. It's a real headache, but at least it means DD gets something that she actually wants. I always think of my friend (who has 5 DC) and the mountain of wrapping that she must face at this time of year and say to myself I've got it easy in comparison really...

Lovesgreen · 12/12/2023 16:31

I completely agree with this and sympathise. I'm always asked to purchase the gifts on people's behalf (and often end up paying the delivery charge!). It ends up making so much more work for me, I dread it. I have made a big effort to avoid being drawn into it this year.

Notmetoo · 12/12/2023 16:32

I think the problem is they don't want to duplicate something they already have or something you might be getting them. I can see it's annoying but they are trying to get something your children will like and want

StonwEd · 12/12/2023 16:35

Sorry if I’ve missed a bit but surely you sort out your side, he sorts out his?
it’s never occurred to me to do it any other way.

familyissues12345 · 12/12/2023 17:04

Yes @cannotdoitanymore !! My in laws will bypass DH to specifically ask me about presents for OUR children. Why is he so incapable?! Hmm

Cattiwampus · 12/12/2023 17:34

@StripeyDeckchair That’s a perfect response to everyone. 😂

Quickredfox · 12/12/2023 17:42

Same. None of the grandparents will buy anything at all unless we buy and ship it to them. My mother then never gives me the money, so my MIL is better in this respect.
It’s a symptom of having no interest in the children as people but wanting to tell others about what they have bought.
It wouldn’t do the kids any harm to have a present they don’t like occasionally. Sometimes the biggest disappointments are the ones they actually request.
I wouldn’t mind at all if it was “I’m going to buy this, unless they already have it?” which is my SIL’s approach and only needs a yes or no.
It’s just shifting the work from the well-off retirees to those in the family with the most to do both at work and outside it.

fruitypancake · 12/12/2023 17:44

I'm with you OP, it drives me bonkers

idontlikealdi · 12/12/2023 17:46

SIL starts on at me around september time, she and mil are compulsive shoppers. I just don't do it anymore. They'll ask the kids to write lists and then there is nothing left on the list for me to buy.

Thankfully it has got better as they have got older and it's mostly money or gift cards now.

I do not entertain getting involved in DHs side of the family, that's his gig.

Worriedmom2 · 12/12/2023 17:50

YANBU! Every year I get my side of the family asking me what to get my DC (fair enough) but also what to get for my DH and me. If I ask them for ideas back I get "Not sure".
I then also end up buying all of my DC's gifts from me and DH, all of DH's gifts, then have to tell him exactly what to buy me. I feel like I'm the one sorting Christmas for everyone and doing all of their thinking for them.

To top it off my MIL has announced that she will send money to their accounts so that I can buy the DC gifts from her. Not DH, me! I have enough on my plate and if she cannot be bothered to actually buy them a gift then I'm certainly not doing it for her. I've already told her in previous years that if she does this the money stays in their accounts and she wasn't happy that they did not have something under the tree to open from her. Put some effort in then!

ToothFairy2023 · 12/12/2023 17:51

TBF you can’t have it all ways. Whilst I agree this adds to your workload but it is far better to have this than a load of rubbish that the DC don’t want and or don’t need and definitely wouldn’t like etc or to be contacting them asking for receipts if the gifts aren’t suitable and trailing down to try and exchange them etc.

DH’s family always liked to buy a big oversized gift one year one child with a December birthday got a sit and ride for his birthday and another sit and ride for Christmas from PIL. I wouldn’t care his younger sister also got one for Christmas and they already had two in the house. The living room was rammed.

Just go with it or do a central wish list somewhere and ask them to mark off who has got what.

Itsbeginingtolookalotlikexmas · 12/12/2023 17:53

Personally I think it’s crass and tacky to ask for specific gifts. I hate that I spend time thinking about Christmas presents for everyone and then I also have to do it for all the family and friends too.

greenmarsupial · 12/12/2023 17:55

I have Amazon wish lists for everyone, they get added to as I think of things. The older kids now add to their own. All family have the links or I can send them out to anyone who asks, it's easy just to check it over a month or so before birthdays/ Christmas and delete anything which is no longer relevant. I love my one because Ive normally forgotten what I've put on there so I get a lovely surprise that I would have chosen myself 😂

IglesiasPiggl · 12/12/2023 17:57

Oh yes, the old "it's probably easier if you just order it and wrap it up" Easier for who? I loved it when mine were too old for toys so I could say, "If you're transferring money, please just transfer directly to DC, as they would really prefer money anyway".

TempName247 · 12/12/2023 18:05

Same here, I find it really stressful especially having a Dc birthday right before Christmas. The relatives are so generous and send money or amazon vouchers which I then have to allocate gifts to, I feel so ungrateful for feeling this and it brings them joy so I just put up with it, (I have managed to control the amount they were getting from MIL somewhat!) The kids have so much stuff already it is overwhelming.

Original poster
Lolasyms · 12/12/2023 18:11

Honestly the mental load at this time of year is so intense and if I had the time and energy to send links I would. It’s the constant bombardment of texts and questions if I don’t reply immediately, honestly if I say my child needs pjs I don’t feel like I should have to chose the specific ones, surely that’s part of gift giving. I also get asked for ideas for DH, I don’t know why they can’t text him to ask that!

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 12/12/2023 18:12

Honestly I prefer being asked to getting a load of random stuff. Dds have random and quirky tastes. Dd2s list including a pink Rugby ball, a Weeping Angel and a camera. DD1 wanted Hogwarts lego, a new phone case and art supplies.

I share the list with MIL and my mother, and we coordinate between us (with MIL doing her side of the familyband DM doing my side)

Its better than stuff like a 3ft cuddly Perrcy Pig... for a 12yo....