The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

[livelovelasagne]

Okay so I'm going to be completely blunt with this. My MIL is a complete know it all, and DH is a total mummy's boy. Our baby is due in early jan and his family are visiting from 8 hours away, travelling via trains, for two weeks (in a hotel of course).
I'm very much a mama bear, we have DS who is 3 and I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn but I managed and was always polite. Currently pregnant with our second, I just can't shake the anger of letting my MIL hold the baby. Because I know for a fact she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her. I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose. She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up. She thinks she knows everything and gives me unsolicited advice all the time and she knows it makes me feel like a bad parent. She's made comments during this pregnancy like 'your bump is tiny I don't know why you complain about being uncomfortabe'. I know I sound totally angry and bitter, but I'm just done and at my wits end with her. The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core! I've spoken to DH about this and he just thinks I'm being hormonal. But I already know she'll think she owns the baby and gaslight DH into thinking I'm being horrible if I don't let her do certain things such as kiss the baby/ take baby out of my sight. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way and for any ideas of how I'll be able to combat these negative feelings when she visits.

Guessing your DH is still working tho? I have the same due date as you and my husband brought the flu home last week! We have all been really unwell. Germs are everywhere this time of year unfortunately.

Wow OP, you're getting such a hard time here

YANBU. Your MIL's past behaviour has created this issue so you need to tell your DH to get onside and set some boundaries. 2 weeks is way too long. I would not have been up to entertaining ILs with a newborn every day for 2 weeks. So even if the 2 week stay can't be changed, set the boundary that they cannot visit every day. And then set boundaries for the amount of time they can stay for.

Under no circumstances are you to be running around entertaining them, you will be recovering from birth. DH can make them tea or they can bloody get up off their lazy arses and make tea themselves.

Also, don't let her hog the baby. You have to be very firm here. And no kissing on baby's face - that's basic newborn advice. It's RSV season so especially at this time of year, no kissing unless you are the main caregiver and that includes kissing baby's hands since a baby then will stick their hands in their mouth. Good luck, I think you'll need it. Firm boundaries are a must if you are to endure this 2 week visit.

Agreed!

As soon as someone refers to themselves as Mama Bear I know she's going to be trouble!

Why not treat your MIL exactly how you would like your son's future wife to treat you?

I would take a deep breath, take a step back and write a list of ‘essential rules’ which are dealbreakers eg no kissing. And on a separate ‘desirable’ list, write your less rational worries eg family meeting up in a city the day before. And then go through the second list with your husband and negotiate a more flexible plan.

Don’t go in all guns blazing. Count to ten before you speak so you can be more calmly assertive. With mil and others.

Explain to your husband why you feel the way you do and try and empathise with at least one of his points. Some give and take helps defuse situations.

Definitely schedule two days at least when you are having other visitors and cannot see them. Whether you do actually have the visitors or not is irrelevant.

Do you trust your son with them? Could you ask them to take him to the cinema or theatre one day?

Buy a nice calendar and cross off each day of their visit at a time. Like a prison sentence ;-)

I have s feeling that when your children grow up and have partners they might be complaining about their mother in law.

I think you have to shake a lot of the little comments off to mostly keep the peace, but put your foot down about things that really matter, for example no kissing the baby when they're newborn. I suppose my advice is pick your battles essentially! And ask your DH to support you on the things that you really don't want from MIL too.

Fwiw nobody could hog my baby because I breastfed and he wanted feeding all the time as a baby, and would cry to get back to me when others held him as he just wanted my breasts.

this is great advice.

my sil can be a bit crazy cuckoo over germs etc and it multiplied by a billion once she had her daughter. Yes we thought she was bat shit crazy, but we did as we were asked as it’s her daughter and she has the right to protect her how she sees fit.

I think all mums are “mama bears” without feeling the need to become so unreasonable and overbearing. Fair enough not to like your MIL but you sound controlling I’m afraid to say.

Lost me at 'Mama Bear'.

I understand you are probably hormonal but you also sound over anxious, newborns are very resilient as they have their mothers antibodies especially if you breast feed. It's impossible to protect then from all germs.
When I met my GC for the first time I had travelled from another country travelling through busy train stations and underground stations and so had their other set of grandparents. My DD and SiL wouldn't have dreamt of saying we couldn't see them. They were fine.

You are absolutely deranged.

OP sounds ridiculous enough without all this nonsense you're suggesting

anything your mil has done or does is a separate issue

your rules alone suggest to me you need support

its not normal or healthy. if you don’t address your level of control, anxiety etc it may be something school picks up on.

If i knew a parent with such strict control i’d be worried about their mental health state

Yanbu to being annoyed at MIL for her antagonistic comments and her disrespecting your wishes.
I wonder if many of commenters here are MILs?!? She sounds awful. You come across a bit unforgiving but maybe with good reason/had enough etc - will give you benefit of doubt.
I love my MIL but if she made stupid thoughtless comments and hogged baby and did things I’d asked her not to do (intentionally or not) I’d be pissed off too. Most things do not have a black and white ruling (eg kissing baby) but it’s your wishes and opinions that hold the most weight in this tough post partum time (barring anything immediately harmful)
Husband needs to get on board with you and your feelings to have your back and tell her off when she oversteps boundaries. MIL won’t like it but tough luck. Tell him to grow a pair as you’re likely to have decades more of this otherwise.
Recommend letting smaller / one off comments slide, but if repeated offences (actions or words), it’s husband’s job to keep her in check.
Good luck and all the best with baby :)

I expect there is a good chance sone of the posters are MILs, but that doesn't make them wrong and the OP right!

Will she become instantly wrong and the "mama bear" label turn her not interfering bitch once she becomes a MIL?

Presumably it's your husbands child as well?
Does he not get a say in what happens with your child?

TBH, wrapping it up in cotton wool isn't going to help it build immunity to anything.

I kinda get what you mean cuz I don’t see eye to eye with my mil. I’m due next month, and I know I’m being unreasonable and will have to just bite my tongue while mil gets time with baby. But at the same time I need to respect that it is mil’s grandchild so she gets to hold baby.

Not to their daughter in laws, usually.

newborns are very resilient as they have their mothers antibodies especially if you breast feed. It's impossible to protect then from all germs

I was going to say the same. When I gave birth to ds DH had an awful cold and the midwife said not to worry about it for the reasons above. And she was right.

Not RTFT as it's too long but I do have some sympathy.
My MIL is an infuriating, patronising know it all who has driven me close to physical violence on numerous occasions over the years. However, she is also my DH's mother and my children's grandmother and they have relationships with her that are separate to me so I have to deal with it.
I actually discussed this with a counsellor years ago and the message was very strongly that I can't control her actions, only how I respond to them, and that trying to make her change into someone that I like - or at least whose behaviour I can tolerate - is likely to harm me more than her. There are some non negotiables of course, such as my MIL "doesn't believe in car seats", but there's other stuff that I have just learned to let go as it's irritating but not dangerous and given that my ILs live quite a long way away doesn't happen very often.
I would suggest you identify your non negotiables and get your DH on the same page and practice saying "Uh huh" a lot to other stuff. I regularly say "Hmm, thanks I will bear it in mind. More tea?" when I have zero intention of ever following most of my MIL's advice but it keeps the peace. It is very difficult to argue with someone who doesn't take the bait and over the years we have developed a state of kind of armed neutrality. We don't like each other and never will, but I have the moral high ground as I never try to pick fights with her or rise to her (now less frequent) goading. She doesn't get the drama she seeks so bothers less and things are generally more peaceful.
I made a conscious effort never to bad mouth her to my children or to interfere with their relationships. But they are not stupid and came to see her true colours as they grew up. My eldest DC who is an adult hasn't seen her for over 5 years and the younger two who are teens say "Uh huh" a lot too.
In my experience, I'd say be the bigger person and rise above it all, and it will pay off in the long term.

No, I think mums of sons just need to accept that their DIL wants her own mum when she gives birth.

It is obviously different as the baby grows but in the early weeks, mum's mum definitely gets priority.

(assuming that you get on with your own mum of course)

What are you on about?? It's incredibly normal to have a no-kissing-the-baby rule. Who even kisses a baby that isn't theirs, whether they're a grandparent or not?

My mother once said to me until you give birth you will never truly understand the feelings a mother has for her child. When I gave birth she said until you have a grandchild you will never truly understand the love a grandmother has for her childs child, be it a daughters child or a sons child. It's difficult for a mother to accept a grandmother loves her grandchildren as much as she loves her own. It's not always the case but there again it's not always the case a mother has a motherly instinct either. In the majority of cases I feel my mother was correct. Mothers can deny the grandparent grandchild special bond but by doing this they're denying the child a beautiful life experience. The maternal and paternal grandparents should be given the same consideration. The feelings for their children's children are the same.

If you are having your baby in hospital there will be more germs there than on your MIL.