The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

[livelovelasagne]

Okay so I'm going to be completely blunt with this. My MIL is a complete know it all, and DH is a total mummy's boy. Our baby is due in early jan and his family are visiting from 8 hours away, travelling via trains, for two weeks (in a hotel of course).
I'm very much a mama bear, we have DS who is 3 and I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn but I managed and was always polite. Currently pregnant with our second, I just can't shake the anger of letting my MIL hold the baby. Because I know for a fact she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her. I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose. She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up. She thinks she knows everything and gives me unsolicited advice all the time and she knows it makes me feel like a bad parent. She's made comments during this pregnancy like 'your bump is tiny I don't know why you complain about being uncomfortabe'. I know I sound totally angry and bitter, but I'm just done and at my wits end with her. The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core! I've spoken to DH about this and he just thinks I'm being hormonal. But I already know she'll think she owns the baby and gaslight DH into thinking I'm being horrible if I don't let her do certain things such as kiss the baby/ take baby out of my sight. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way and for any ideas of how I'll be able to combat these negative feelings when she visits.

I’m quite shocked at the responses you’ve got.

No, you’re not unreasonable to try and protect your baby from germs and being taken away from everyone else and hogged by your MIL. It sounds like you are aware of these things so I don’t believe you would turn out like this to your future DIL!

Given you’ve said she made you do everything when you had your son understandably puts you on edge for this new baby and you’re worried about history repeating itself.

Stand your ground as much as you can, speak with your DH and explain your concerns and back it up with facts about the herpes virus and other nasties if babies are kissed on the face. It’s not being dramatic, it’s true. Also, has Covid taught people nothing? Personal space etc should be at the front of everyone’s mind.

Why isn’t your husband doing the running around after you and any visitors? He hasn’t given birth!

Do not get up to do any tea and coffee making or do any planning or executing of meals. That is your husband’s job. I assume he’s on paternity leave. When you are tired or have had enough just take yourself and baby upstairs. If she says to leave the baby downstairs just say no, he’s newborn and needs to be with his mother and walk off. They are in your home, they aren’t the boss. Warn your DH that if he isn’t vigilant as to her overstepping there is a risk you’ll tell her fuck off and you assume that wouldn’t be convenient.

Well I would have thought that it was abundantly clear what it means!

Just as important to who?
Just as important to the baby/in the baby's life. Obviously.
One side of the family does not take precedence over the other side.

@Wrenegade thank you so much ❤️

OK practical advice of what I think you can do to make life easier
Set some boundary rules - agree them with your husband and expect him to help enforce them (politely)

Things like,

no visitors before...
no visitors between...
no visitors after...
no more than x hours at once
no more than x hours in a day
wash your hands before holding the baby
change your clothes before coming to visit baby if you've been out in the city first
don't visit if you're feeling unwell at all
If mum is too tired all visitors go home, no argument or debate.

agree them with family before they set off

Also make more general rules, 3 to 5 at most think through and discuss the wording things like

Thoughtful visitors bring more food and drink than they consume
Thoughtful visitors leave less work to be done than there was when they arrived
Thoughtful visitors do not give unsolicited advice, or critique the parenting style or decisions of new mums...

Print them out with a big message of " thoughtful visitors are very welcome..."

I think if you and DH could calmly and logically decide on a few clear boundaries for any visitors including MIL, you wouldn’t feel so anxious and angry, as long as he has your back and communicates clearly with his family.
It really frustrates me when people saythey ‘have to’ do things for others after giving birth as noone can physically force you to let go of your baby and be sent to the kitchen. You choose how you respond to people, how you run your home with DH, how you manage your feelings. Get in before she does with clear communication. Make her feel valued and welcomed and give her things todo thathelp but do not let her take over the baby. It is such a precious parental bonding time, your feelings are of utmost importance.
Germs: share nhs advice with them, make sure easyfor everyone to washhands each time handle baby and have no kissing rule until older. Grandparents should be caring about the whole family and giving support not so egocentric and focussed on fulfilling their own needs, though everyone loves a baby cuddle of course. (I am GP generation not yours OP)

You right about kissing hands or face. I’d stick firmly to my guns on that one as it’s about keeping your baby safe.

I absolutely agree on the no kissing the baby and can’t believe that people think this is ok. My midwife and health visitor mentioned this and posters in hospital too about how dangerous it is and can pass on rsv which can and does kill babies.

The other things, sometimes we can get stuck in our heads and overthink and imagine a situation that hasn’t happened yet and I’d say enjoy your pregnancy and your new baby and put this to the back of your mind for now. Maybe she is a nightmare,
maybe you are but spending weeks worrying about how 2 weeks may or may not be terrible is a waste of energy and putting you in a negative headspace. Think of the nice things, like extra people around to help the 3 year old not feel left out at a difficult time for him. Also this is one of the few times if there are plans being made with the in laws you don’t want to go to you can just say sorry the baby isn’t themself today and we’re staying home. Don’t see anything wrong with that at all

Surely the issue is what is important to the baby? If the paternal grandparents are pushed out of the picture, it is the baby who will lose out. My DH's sister's in-laws fell out with her in a big way and now have nothing to do with the children, and I feel so sorry for them not having loving grandparents on both sides of the family.

I don’t think you did, but that’s by the by. I don’t think she’s doing anything bad but if you’re worried get DH on board so he can be the ‘bad guy’ and ask his mum not to kiss baby on face or take her out of the room. And if she or anyone asks for a cup of tea or anything else, DH should step in and say ‘help yourself’ or he should make it for them.

And ‘mama bear’ has more negative connotations than positive ones, it brings to mind those mums who never think they or their dc are ever in the wrong. MIL likely won’t see her grand baby for months after the visit so if she’s a bit of a ‘baby hog’ then what’s the harm?

I can relate, I had similar thoughts regarding my difficult MIL when my now one year old was born. We are now no contact as she just got worse and fortunately my DH backed us up.
I remember the awful feeling of having to try and balance my protective instincts and respect that my DH would want his mum involved.
I do think a no kissing rule is acceptable though and quite normal

Just remember you’ll be the MIL one day. Consider how you’d feel if your son’s wife reacts like you do, and try to relax a bit.

My best friend was totally weird about people holding her first baby, out of character weird. She was much happier to let family or friends entertain both children once the second one came along, and admits she feels really silly about it now.

If the paternal grandparents are pushed out of the picture, it is the baby who will lose out.
Not to mention "papa bear' 🤢, unable to share his DC with family or get support from them. Your baby is 50% him.

My parent is flying in from overseas for 2 weeks and I hope she is a ‘baby hog’ honestly. I’m due the same time as you and you are just as likely to pick up germs from the shops or them traveling via train and having a 3yr old makes it extra likely. Stand strong on no kissing baby but otherwise you are being unreasonable. My in laws will be flying in for a week and staying in my home. Having guests at a hotel sounds lovely as you can get them to leave once you’re tired!

To be clear- I wont be offering to make anyone food or drinks when they are staying with us! Just don’t do it or your husband can. But do your in laws actually feel comfortable making their own cups of tea? My mum and in laws both help themselves to food and drinks when here and I don’t wait on any of them but means I do have to share my fridge and kettle. Really glad my mum divorced her husband who would come round and ask what’s for dinner 👿

Certainly wouldn't have them around in the first few weeks - you need your space.
Fuss needs to be made over the 3yo and less so the baby to ensure he doesn't feel left out.

wow. you sound like hard work.
the amount of people on here who have absolutely no one in their lives and their kids don't have grandparents anymore.
thank your lucky stars your kids have family who love them and want to see them.
you are defo hormonal but unreasonably so.
having a rage on due to your mil holding your baby is not normal. the fear of germs is extreme. all you have to say is wash your hands. sure u won't even need to say it.
i agree with you about the kissing on the face, i don't like that either.

You sound like hard work. Your baby will meet a lot of people. Lighten up.

This would make most people not want to visit at all. It comes across so rude! Asking people to wash hands and not kiss baby is fine, setting visiting hours is fine. Being passive aggressive and making a print out of ‘thoughtful guests do’ makes you look like an ass when family are visiting you. Good grief.

Educate yourself: https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/THANKS-Poster.pdf

@livelovelasagne

so it’s ok for you to be a complete “ mama bear”
over your son but not ok for your husband to be a “mummy’s boy”?! Is that not a bit hypocritical? How would you feel if one day some woman called your son a “mummy’s boy”?

Jeez, yes, it’s a baby, No need for us this fuss 🙄

I think your getting slated here OP.

Ok I do think your hormones are running wild. I get it, if you don't like each other anyway that's going to set the tone regarding your kids.

But I think you need to try and relax a little. Sounds like they live far away so you don't see them all the time.

Maybe suggest a shorter visit and then you visit then for a short visit later too.

Be kind to yourself. But also, without trying to sound like a bitch, calling yourself a mama bear and your son a mummy's boy is a bit silly. As in that case your son will be a mummy's boy and your mil is also a mama bear.

I'm going to say that's the hormones though.

Make it a shorter visit. Prefably after your milk comes in, as that's a hormonal roller coaster!

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
well said

On Mumsnet, "mummy's boy" usually means a man who actually likes his mother.