The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

[livelovelasagne]

Okay so I'm going to be completely blunt with this. My MIL is a complete know it all, and DH is a total mummy's boy. Our baby is due in early jan and his family are visiting from 8 hours away, travelling via trains, for two weeks (in a hotel of course).
I'm very much a mama bear, we have DS who is 3 and I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn but I managed and was always polite. Currently pregnant with our second, I just can't shake the anger of letting my MIL hold the baby. Because I know for a fact she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her. I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose. She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up. She thinks she knows everything and gives me unsolicited advice all the time and she knows it makes me feel like a bad parent. She's made comments during this pregnancy like 'your bump is tiny I don't know why you complain about being uncomfortabe'. I know I sound totally angry and bitter, but I'm just done and at my wits end with her. The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core! I've spoken to DH about this and he just thinks I'm being hormonal. But I already know she'll think she owns the baby and gaslight DH into thinking I'm being horrible if I don't let her do certain things such as kiss the baby/ take baby out of my sight. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way and for any ideas of how I'll be able to combat these negative feelings when she visits.

No kissing rule stuck with, my baby was very sick in hospital after a reaction to the cold sore virus but everything else seems OTT. My DH and I live in a busy city, should I have banned him from touching his newborn

@enchantedsquirrelwood completely agree with you.

When I have just given birth, I want my own mum there (after not during), not my mother in law.

2 weeks. Good Lord. You are a bloody saint to even consider this. Your relationship with your DC is the most important thing, don't let anything come between you and forming a bond with your new baby. YABU for using the term "Mama bear" but I'll forgive you.

Perhaps the hospital staff will also be "going through train stations and walking through a very busy city" before they meet your baby.

No! Surely they live a solitary life?

Yeah you sound completely unreasonable, needlessly hostile and dramatic tbh. She might be a pain in the arse (or she might not) but she’s your kids’ grandmother and that’s life. Also gaslighting doesn’t just mean doing anything that annoys you. It’s pretty shortsighted that you describe yourself as ‘very much a mama bear’ (ugh) over your own son while calling your DH a ‘total mummy’s boy’.

Absolutely this ⤴️

Have you any idea how difficult you doing? And hypocritical....mama bear, FFS!

Surely if your future daughter in law asked you not to kiss her newborn baby to avoid it getting ill you'd listen? Not be so confrontational that you then start talking specifically about how you're going to disregard that simple boundary and do it anyway.

I've never yet seen a DIL hate a MIL without good reason. I see plenty who get on well, and plenty of MILs who can't handle another woman who isn't their daughter having a more "central" role in the family and spend their time being being subtly or not so subtly bitchy at every opportunity.

Sorry if you’ve been quoted thirty times before I carry on reading the thread. But this is wrong, it is current advice for not immediate (mum/dad/siblings) to not kiss the babies hands or face to protect them from the cold sore virus which in new borns can be devastating. Also having people come and stay for 2 weeks is far different to people popping in for 30mins. 30mins means a low viral load of someone ill, 2 weeks and baby gets what they get. In winter that’s not ideal and the OP is fine to have the no kissing rule.

This is not fair, I'm sure OP won't inflict herself on her DIL (who has just given birth) for 2 whole weeks, whilst questioning her parenting and making snide comments.
I have sons, I wouldn't dream of doing so. I also completely understand why a woman who has just given birth and is very vulnerable, would want her own mother there but not her MIL.
When my lads become fathers, I have vowed not to be that person.

It’s pretty shortsighted that you describe yourself as ‘very much a mama bear’ (ugh) over your own son while calling your DH a ‘total mummy’s boy’.

Basically this.

Will your mil expect to just sit holding the baby all day? Will they be round all day? If so, I’d definitely set hours they can come, it would drive me nuts without hormones/a baby in the mix. I really think you need a major chat with your dh before they arrive. Are your family near enough for you to slope off with the baby for a bit of peace?

@Worried234 so nothing helpful to input then?

This is a new rule. I have had three babies and hundreds of people who have babies around me and it's only been in the last maybe 8 years this has been a thing. As for Mama Bear that sounds like some bollocks you get on Instagram.

I hated having someone hold my newborn and walk off out of my sight. I stayed at MIL for recovery from C-section and baby would be taken away upstairs without me, and I wasn't physically able to go upstairs. It was a terrible feeling, plus I was breastfeeding on demand, I wanted baby with me always in those first two weeks. I got my partner to intervene, and ended up leaving MIL, hobbling to the car. But you won't have that option. Your husband is going to have to be very well briefed on what your boundaries are.

Mama bear 🤮

You sound really difficult. I simply can’t imagine even thinking about not wanting my mother in law to hold her grandchild. How upsetting that must be.

Well of course you’re being unreasonable but I totally understand you. You have to share your most precious important, vulnerable baby with a person you can’t stand. It is completely NORMAL to not want to hand your baby over to people you don’t like, who make you feel uncomfortable and threatened.

MNetters always pretend to be totally perfect and reasonable so I wouldn’t take too much notice of those who are really going to town on you on this thread 🙄

@livelovelasagne If she is letting you hog her son and be all over him enough to produce kids with him then i am sure it is only fair to allow her to hold your baby son for a few days/ couple of weeks without you makong a big deal

I felt the same way about people kissing the baby's face. Just why?

Newborns have little immunity, you at least treat them with a little extra care, like washing your hands before holding them etc.

I remember DH's friend coming over for a hold, and later saying oh yeah had a right nasty tummy bug these last few days. People don't think what's best for the new born.

Make up a reason for them not to visit for 2 weeks, that's just OTT.

Can't they come for a day or a weekend (and not stay with you)?

DH needs to step up and you need to agree what is non-negotiable.

Good god!

I absolutely agree on the no kissing rule, it’s just common sense? (I work in healthcare.)
interestingly, I recently learned that biologically you’re wired to be defensive against other women holding your baby as historically they may have been a threat - in regards to breastfeeding your child, your baby not smelling like you etc. If I can dig out the article I will as it explains it a lot more eloquently than I can!
I think that MILs get a lot of slack, i’m the mother of two sons, but having worked with postnatal women for a loooong time, I know for a fact I won’t be upset if any future DIL want their own mum around for the first few weeks and I CERTAINLY wouldn’t kiss them or expect to hold them unless I was offered.
sadly a lot of entitled in-laws on the thread. I do think you may have some health anxiety in relation to germs but I would speak to your midwife or HV. This is very normal, but it’s always nice to speak to someone. I think hormones really ramp up the rage too, but I would absolutely expect your husband to have your back and speak to his mother about this.
But again everyone, what the hell with the kissing the face!? No!!!!!

@HoneyBunnii difference is, her son is a 34 year old man and this is a newborn baby? What a silly thing to say

“I've never yet seen a DIL hate a MIL without good reason. I see plenty who get on well, and plenty of MILs who can't handle another woman who isn't their daughter having a more "central" role in the family and spend their time being being subtly or not so subtly bitchy at every opportunity.”

my goodness what have I just read!

change DIL to SIL then see what rubbish it all is. I’m sure there is a lot of stereotyping of MIL on here just like the word “Karen” is used. A cheap put you down and easy to moan about them. Such sexist rubbish.

@Goose22 thank you so much, if you can find the link please do share! ❤️

You sound rude and ungrateful
She is the granny. You trump all of course as Mum but she has a right to the baby fgs. Learn to speak your mind, assert yourself and compromise.

Do you have MH issues OP?

Your anxiety seems quite extreme and it’s definitely not a normal reaction to have.

Your MIL might be annoying but she knows how to raise kids better than you do and she’s not going to harm your child.

Your way of thinking is going to do more damage to your child than a few germs ever will.

I would seek some professional help as this sort of anxiety/OCD just gets worse and will completely take over your life if you’re not careful.