The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

[livelovelasagne]

Okay so I'm going to be completely blunt with this. My MIL is a complete know it all, and DH is a total mummy's boy. Our baby is due in early jan and his family are visiting from 8 hours away, travelling via trains, for two weeks (in a hotel of course).
I'm very much a mama bear, we have DS who is 3 and I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn but I managed and was always polite. Currently pregnant with our second, I just can't shake the anger of letting my MIL hold the baby. Because I know for a fact she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her. I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose. She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up. She thinks she knows everything and gives me unsolicited advice all the time and she knows it makes me feel like a bad parent. She's made comments during this pregnancy like 'your bump is tiny I don't know why you complain about being uncomfortabe'. I know I sound totally angry and bitter, but I'm just done and at my wits end with her. The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core! I've spoken to DH about this and he just thinks I'm being hormonal. But I already know she'll think she owns the baby and gaslight DH into thinking I'm being horrible if I don't let her do certain things such as kiss the baby/ take baby out of my sight. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way and for any ideas of how I'll be able to combat these negative feelings when she visits.

This ! Goodness me calm down a bit. Yes she may be difficult but you are not helping matters. At least she is making an effort to visit. Find a way through this. And don't call yourself mama bear.

It rather depends on what factors are causing your current pregnancy to be deemed high-risk, especially as the whole point of this visit is to see the baby, by which time you will no longer be pregnant.

Posts like this make me sad. Be thankful that your baby will have family who want to see and spend time with them.

As much as this is probably not helpful to you, remember your baby is also your husbands baby. Could you imagine if your husband didn't want your mum to hold the baby? Yea you are being unreasonable.

set boundaries, such as no kissing on face and washing hands when they come in but everything else you are going to need to suck up I would say.

You're being a bit unreasonable. She's a grandmother, excited and loving towards her grandkids. That's wonderful.

Why would you be doing everything for her? Just don't as that causes resentment too.

You have a choice to be either angry and nasty, or just be a decent human being with boundaries.

while she has me doing everything for her.

What do you mean? She asks you for a cup of tea you say "no, I've just given birth, DH will make you one though".

just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up.

I think this is slightly ridiculous. Plenty of babies will have fathers who go off to busy cities for work when they're very little and they're all fine.

I think YANBU. She sounds rude, and happy to disregard your feelings/requests. But remember that it's you who's in charge here, not her. Why are you doing stuff for her? You will be recuperating from the birth. Sit down and let other people cook/tidy up etc for you. Could you put the visit off for a bit?

What do you mean by the pregnancy is high risk? Usually that term relates to labour/birth risks not health issues with the baby itself

And sorry but this also speaks to you having anxiety or OCD - many many babies live in busy cities and have parents going on train journeys every day.

The busy city thing is a bit crazy. But your husband should support you where needed.

I'm guessing they have their travel and hotel booked...so could you "hang on" for another fortnight?! :o))

I don't think this is fair. This is how you end up with women who think the world revolves around them because they can reproduce 😄Honestly, I never understand the MN mantra that a man "owes" his partner for carrying his baby, as though she's doing him a favour. Women generally have children because THEY want to, not as a favour to their partners.

I understand irrational fear and anger, so it doesn't really matter why you feel what you feel. You feel it, it won't go away, and you will be extra hormonal post-birth so it's only going to get worse.

I would be managing this scenario now to avoid it. Which starts with getting your husband to understand that yes, you are hormonal, but it's still a problem.

If you don't want someone kissing your baby, then that's a boundary that needs enforcing, regardless of what anyone else thinks. If you don't want someone else holding your baby for extended periods - again, your boundary.

So think about what you're going to say to prevent each, align with your husband, practice it, get ready.

You can't stop her going to a city before she visits. Console yourself with incubation periods - it'll be a week before she's symptomatic and germing over your baby, you'll see it coming.

I can understand your feelings OP, because my FIL is a prick, and I hate the idea of my tiny precious darling being cuddled by him.

(Long story short - he often says rude things to me, MIL is lovely and very on top of this and immediately tells him off before I even have a chance to and apologises to me, BIL has done the same, so it's not just me being awkward. And this is the tip of the iceberg....don't understand how MIL puts up with it, she's lovely.)

Its hard balancing a relationship with people you love who will add value to a baby, with people who frankly will teach the child nothing but how to deal with rudeness.

The last two visits he's had a cold, so I've encouraged my baby to feed past his limit to keep him away!

🔮 I see it now - Title…
’ DH says I hindered his and the children’s relationship with his mother . Is he being unreasonable 🤦🏾‍♀️’.

I think most of this sounds unreasonable and unnecessarily combative. Maybe that’s because you’ve left a lot out, but I can’t see the problem with any of what you’ve written, except the kissing on the face.

She sounds like my mil, and you sound like me. I was anxious with a newborn too and I don't apologise for it. My mil delighted in making me feel shit.

I think you are using the term 'mama bear' to give your actions/feelings a label and therefore trying to legitimise them, rather than exploring why you are so over protective and how you might moderate that with your next child.

https//<a class="break-all" href="http://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/over-half-of-uk-parents-unaware-of-risk-kissing-poses-to-newborns" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.lullabytrust.org.uk/over-half-of-uk-parents-unaware-of-risk-kissing-poses-to-newborns/

It really annoys me when people trot this out. Just as important to who? My MIL is nowhere near the same level of importance as my own mother, because she’s not my mother. I don’t know why people expect this, feels like another stick to beat women with - if you’re not feeling as ‘important’ as the mother’s mother, take it up with your son.

@livelovelasagne
firstly, I’m sorry you’ve had some responses calling you dramatic, hard work and telling you to grit your teeth. This is neither true nor helpful. A new mother shouldn’t have to grit her teeth through the distress of having someone hold their newborn child. Let’s be totally honest here, babies being passed around for hugs is totally for the benefit of the adults receiving the cuddle time. It in no way benefits the mother or baby and giving that gift to another adult should be your choice and something you feel comfortable with rather than it being an expectation. The baby won’t remember but the mother will.

Your feelings, including those which might be a result of hormones, are valid and real. The most important thing right now and when baby arrives is that you are supported and have your boundaries respected. Happy mum, happy baby. Whilst many families do find it normal to pass the baby around and kiss them on the face, this is in fact cultural and social and not a hard and fast rule. Ultimately, the baby is yours and you need time to get to know one another and recover from the hard work that is child birth. My MIL is similar, I’ve worked hard to correct her and maintain my boundaries whenever she makes a comment such as ‘I can’t wait to kiss baby on the face’. It is in fact not recommended for infants to be kissed on the face especially in cold and flu season and you don’t need to risk your babies health for a full grown adults feelings. Wishing you lots of luck.

@livelovelasagne maybe not but someone you come into contact with will. In all honesty if you’re that paranoid it sounds like you need some help, I’d be seriously worried if I knew someone with this level of paranoia.

hi OP, I haven't rtft but just in case you're still reading, have a hug.

loads of us (including myself at times) get hormonal rage and loads of us have trauma after covid.

i guess your first was a total lockdown baby and that must have been hard (my younger ds is almost 3 so it was 2nd lockdown wave but still rough!)

you're allowed to feel your feelings. your mental health is really important. DH should have your back.

one option is to lean in to how you feel, really honour your bond with baby and your rules, and make a nuclear-family-only bubble for the first few weeks and have zero visitors, zero germs (i hope!) and just a lovely extended stress-free early baby time.

tell her you'll be in touch when you're ready for baby to meet people but expect baby to be at leat a month old before meeting anyone outside the household.

this would be really valid. i have a few friends who've done this and it's your baby, your rules, your call.

personally i didn't do this, i wanted to show my babies off when they arrived and when we could we had visitors early. but like with everything, there's a million different 'right ways' to be. you do you.

MIL will have plenty of time to meet the baby when you're feeling calm and comfortable and securely bonded.

This advice must be some kind of joke.

Set some clear boundaries, ask for a compromise of 1 week instead of 2. 2 weeks is a long time and I would leave that with your DH to negotiate with them. Tell him you’re happy for 1, 2 is too long and put your foot down - it’s your home too. That’s probably why you’re feeling so annoyed about everything because it sounds like a) your DH doesn’t have your back and b) your boundaries aren’t being listened to. Work out options that give you some space and you time with your new baby (ie - take them upstairs to your bedroom where she won’t follow for feeds or to rest). Have a think about how you’ll deal with each scenario that might crop up so you don’t feel like everything is sprung on you. If you are worried about germs, get the hand sanitizer out and get your DH to make a point of asking them to use it. They are his family; get him to have the awkward conversations and keep your interaction with them as light as possible.

I recently had my MIL stay with me for 4 weeks following a surgery for a cancer diagnosis, I’d just had my baby and he was 8 weeks old. I would have been totally lost without her. Did she annoy me sometimes? Yes. were there some thoughtless comments? Yes..but she also meant well, was trying really hard & left her own home for almost a whole month to support me and her son.. there were actually moments (shock horror) where DIL and MIL had a really good laugh and learnt a lot about eachother we hadn’t known about before. I guess my point is, it’s not a long period of your life, they live quite far away…it’s not like she’s in your back pocket round the corner and before you know it you’ll be alone again with your little family.. try and make it nice for your husband as it’s his baby too. Things like this can build resentment..maybe not now but they have a tendency to come out later on and you “shaking with anger” at the thought of his mum holding his new baby isn’t something that’s likely to be forgotten or thought kindly of.

I dont think she's living with them for 2 weeks- she's in a hotel!