That people are just a bit shit and not worth the bother?

[Sconehenge]

Sorry for the negative nelly post but I’m just tidying up a big mess from a dinner party. It cost us around £600 and counting to put on, in addition to numerous hours of planning.

I came home early last night so I would be fresh for today but half my guests were hungover and just a bit shit, a few cancelled last minute for various “good reasons” but I can’t help think they could have given more notice/worked around . Two of the guests spent the whole time talking about a party last night that I wasn’t invited to even though we are close friends. I mean, maybe it’s my own fault for planning a lunch on a Sunday I guess.

Honestly I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I am a person who considers myself to have a nice social life but after a night like tonight I truly think what is the fucking point?

I know good friendships in life are meant to make you live longer and happier but my experience of good friends so far seems to be that most people are hedonists, they’re after whatever makes them feel good in the moment and if it’s you, then fantastic you’ll have “fun”, if it’s not you, then whatever.

I think it’s time to retire to the woods or something!

Are there better people out there or is this it?

Can you tell us what food and booze you served?
Love hearing other people's menus

P.s your friends sound shitty!!

@LaurieStrode haha love it! Thank you x

@HighlandCowSaysBooNotMoo i always roll my eyes when people say this but I do think the full menu will be “outing” 😂😂😂 just incase one of the guests stumbled across the thread! Although I’m pretty sure I’m the only mumsnetter!

I’ll change my name and post it to a different chat one day though as it was fab!

You sound like a good sport, OP!

And there was nothing insensitive in your posting the amount spent. Millions of people aren't feeling the pinch in this country - good for you for spending if you can afford it.

i don’t think they sound shitty at all. It’s Xmas, they were invited to a party, they went, had a great time, rolled home late but still dragged their arse to the ops, rather than pull out.

its ok to go out the night before, its ok to talk about what they did, they weren’t to know the op was envious, and as much as a hangover isn’t great, it doesn’t make you a shitty person.

What hogwash.

Whether formal or casual, these guests behaved abominably. It doesn't matter if OP was serving ham sandwiches on paper plates with a Coke. Guests are expected to NOT no-show, to arrive in good form, ready to converse on a variety of topics with a variety of people. It's rock-bottom civilized behaviour. Which so many people seem incapable of lately, and proud of it.

Those who can't hold up their end of the host-guest bargain should decline the invitation, not drag the event down to their low level.

It makes one a shitty guest.

If you know you have another engagement the next midday, don't get wasted.

Do you edit debretts by any chance, what a stuffy post. 😂

Can you elaborate on why you think that upscale food, drink and decor is "pretentious twaddle" ?

I’m more shocked by the £600!

You have my sympathy OP. I remember inviting BIL, SIL and their 3 DC's one Christmas, I put in so, so, much effort and work in the preparation etc. only for the two adults to turn up so hungover from their drinking session on Christmas Eve, they had to go out to the toilet to be sick shortly after their arrival, and were not able to eat anything! Their kids were super hyper as it was Christmas so DH and I had to amuse them along with our own four whilst their parents dozed on the sofa.
Gosh I was exhausted Boxing Day

Are you capable of a discussion without making personal insults? Ad hominem remarks generally are the resort of people with nothing better to say.

We recently planned a Halloween party (all adults, mid 20s), planned in advance, had a guestlist/text-message-RSVPs saying yes. Around 12 people invited. On the day, 3 turned up. One didn't reply, one basically said they couldn't be bothered/prioritised other things, and one made up an excuse I think.
A friend had a fireworks/bonfire night and invited all of her friends, all of which declined across the day of the event, no prior warning and no 'real' excuse.

I truly think people aren't prioritising other people's event planning, effort, cost, and general invites anymore. I know the old MN saying of being an invite not a summons, but you'd expect more from your friends, surely????

Yes perfectly capable, but you do need to realise if you post nonsense , then folks will call you out on it. They went to her lunch, they had fun. Sure hangovers aren’t ideal. But it’s not breaching some secret contract.

Well, there are people who understand proper manners/etiquette, and those who do not.

When the hostess ends up stiffed by no-shows and sad because her other guests are drooping with hangovers, yes, the social (and it's not secret) contract has been breached.

Don’t stop hosting because you had a disappointment.

no need to feel foolish for having spent what you spent either. If you are able to and didn’t miss any bullypayments then why not?

now you have bought all your tableware and glassware it would be a shame not to use them again.

In a light hearted why tell your friends you were a bit upset you weren’t invited because it sounded like a really good time. Give them a chance to make it up to you?

when you invite people over next:
-keep it on a Friday evening if no other option but Saturdays are best. Sundays are always risky
-order a takeaway or do as I do which is ask everyone to bring a bottle or / and an dish to be shared. You can still serve it as a sit down meal.

people seem to enjoy this and almost secretly have a competitive as to who’s dish is enjoyed the most and who’s doesn’t get touched.

you will find people are so tipsy they will forget to eat and you will have leftovers for a couple of days hahaha

OP I know this feeling. I'm constantly disappointed by people's belief that's it's ok to cancel on a social engagement - i feel that they are more important than work (mostly) but i'm definitely in the minority here.

Even in my wild(ish) younger days i would be aware of the coming days' plans and factor that in to my actions at night - ie: if that meant leaving a club at 2am rather than 5am because i needed to be coherent for lunch plans next day, I would almost always manage to do it.

My other modern day manners pet peeve - people accepting an invitation but not telling you that they also have another one before or after: ie you think you are there for a decent dinner/drinks/catch up, but they are only staying 7:30 - 9pm as they have had a better offer to go to later on. I'm vaguely paranoid and it's always upset me - but some really really good people i know do this, and they genuinely aren't upset if you do it back. They just don't see that people would think it rude.

I pine for the days pre mobile phones when people had to turn up at the time they had said they would, give or take 10 mins. And you couldn't cancel or change a plan if you couldn't catch the person on their home phone in time :-)

@Fedupwitheveryone oh that would be my pet peeve too! I really like to relax into an evening and can’t be bothered if people are just “popping in” on their way to the main event. Luckily this lot, as hungover as they were, didn’t have anywhere to go afterwards 😂😂

Why on earth should she dumb down her style of hosting? Takeaway, really?

Upgrading her friends, to people who don't consider a bit of effort to be "stuffy and pretentious," would be the better course of action. Not everyone likes to live as though they are still in uni halls.

I can't get over you spending £600 on a meal!

That being said, perhaps it wasn't well-communicated to your friends that this was a "special event" that you wanted taking seriously. They thought they were just "coming round for dinner", when ACTUALLY, you wanted Downton Abbey Dinner. Neither is wrong, but they are VERY different in terms of expectation and behaviour.

I thought you may have got this on a special deal…
https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/401730194746

Likewise, not everyone lives with a permanent stick up their ass. There’s a big middle ground between engraved invitations, finger bowls and getting out the Spode and, on the other hand, guests eating pizza on the sofa as hangover soakage.

People’s manners are just really bad, now. They’ve bought into the mindset that you can behave as badly as you like and demand that others tolerate it because mental health. I’ve started to really appreciate the 3 or 4 friends I know would never do that, and prioritise them above the flakes, and I’ve noticed them doing the same. And if in five years we have four friends we know we can count on, and five years of nice memories with them, I’ll be happy with that.

I agree @LoobyDop

Sounds like an episode of Real Housewives!