That people are just a bit shit and not worth the bother?

[Sconehenge]

Sorry for the negative nelly post but I’m just tidying up a big mess from a dinner party. It cost us around £600 and counting to put on, in addition to numerous hours of planning.

I came home early last night so I would be fresh for today but half my guests were hungover and just a bit shit, a few cancelled last minute for various “good reasons” but I can’t help think they could have given more notice/worked around . Two of the guests spent the whole time talking about a party last night that I wasn’t invited to even though we are close friends. I mean, maybe it’s my own fault for planning a lunch on a Sunday I guess.

Honestly I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I am a person who considers myself to have a nice social life but after a night like tonight I truly think what is the fucking point?

I know good friendships in life are meant to make you live longer and happier but my experience of good friends so far seems to be that most people are hedonists, they’re after whatever makes them feel good in the moment and if it’s you, then fantastic you’ll have “fun”, if it’s not you, then whatever.

I think it’s time to retire to the woods or something!

Are there better people out there or is this it?

This made me chuckle OP. But I think you're reasonable for being disappointed. Sadly things like this happened to me far too much so now I don't really socialise and when I do, my expectations are low. Some people have wonderful friends, social lives and experiences, and some of us don't. I'm in the latter camp (I'm not saying you are!) and maybe it's my fault in some way, but generally I find it easier and less painful not to bother now x

I don't socialise, occasionally a coffee that's it .

Have been hurt and let down so much in the past.

I moved to a house in middle of nowhere and sit by log fire,no neighbours, no hassles, just peace and quiet. I don't go to shops. Absolutely everything is bought online.

It's necessary for my mental health.

That sounds crap, I am sorry. If you do anything like this again, I’d advise making it a bring and share event, where each attendee brings a bottle and a dish to share.

This is it. This is all there is nowadays. I'm a negative nelly, too, and I tend to see the nasty sides of people more. But I agree, this is it.

This thread makes me glad I've never had a dinner party or been to one, it all sounds like over pretentious twaddle

Just out of interest OP, how many were you catering for? I’m completely in agreement that there is nothing whatsoever wrong with a bowl of pasta or other simple and cheerful form of hosting BUT clearly you were trying to do something more formal which can be lovely too, and I’m therefore a bit surprised by all the astonishment at your stated costs. Without knowing how many you asked ( I know a few dropped out but were presumably being catered for) and adding in nice wine etc, I’m not sure the cost shaming is justified or couldn’t say do without knowing your numbers. Hosting does cost. I know you could have chosen a different style of hosting ( which isn’t “lesser” just different) but it’s a useful reminder to people what more formal hosting can cost. And there’s always a cost of some kind, even if less monetary, in terms of preparation etc. I mention it really because of all the responses here with people saying their efforts have been met with disappointing responses and they have just withdrawn. It’s really sad as hosting is something very special to almost all cultures and maybe we do have to reset our responses to it.

Just joining in with the !!!!! at £600 tbh. If you spent that much time and money planning then were your expectations maybe a bit high?

If the same people had just met at a pub would you still be judging them for being 'hungover and a bit shit' or annoyed at the ones who cancelled (which to be fair is annoying and I do think people are really flaky these days).

Or would you have come home thinking 'that was a nice night.' Okay not the BEST or most fun night out ever and perhaps it didn't look like a christmas advert with everyone laughing around the piano but it was nice to see everyone and we had a laugh and good catch up (and only spent £70 on our own food and drinks!). Maybe manage your expectations going forward?

You are right that lots of people are not worth it OP - but some are and those friends are like gold dust. Lots people just have different expectations about what socialising with friends looks like. I've been there and it's hard - sending hugs. At least you know now not to make such an effort for these people in future - keep them as friends but also look to expand your social circle so you are not reliant on them for a social life.

You sound a little socially naive - you posted the real cost of your party online in a cost of living crisis and are getting a lot of stick for that. Another life lesson for you is to be vague about costs like these with people who are not close friends. Food and drink is expensive, so I could easily see how it could stretch into hundreds. I'm guessing this might have been a special occasion like your birthday.

Did you host on a Sunday, on one out of only 3 weekends before Christmas?

Then of course you have to expect people to be hungover, to cancel, to not make it, to be talking about a Christmas night out, etc etc.

Why not do it in January, when generally nobody has anything on?

I appreciate you have gone to a lot of effort and cost but I don’t think you have thought your dates through very well. People are strung out at this time of year with various nights out/events/costs/etc.

Thank you for all your comments everyone! I feel better in the day than I did last night. Obviously people are able to go out the night before, I don’t own the weekend! It was just the excess of it (out literally ALL night until 4/5am) and the pulling out 2 hours before that was probably hangover driven. We are a bit of a “group” and do a Xmas thing each year and I was really looking forward to having the time together and I guess I’m just hurt/rejected by the attitude.

I do really like hosting but get really hurt if people flake! probably I need to be more zen about it, but I expect that the same personality trait that makes me want to invest in lovely experiences with people is the same trait that makes me sensitive to flakeyness.

I used to organise dinners and holidays a lot more but stopped due to the last minute pull outs. It’s such a bitch if you’ve organised something, everyone says yes and then people last minute pull out and ask if their place can be “taken by someone else”, as if it’s totally easy to magic up endless replacement people for things.

Anyway, like childbirth I think I forgot that feeling and was abruptly reminded! I won’t stop being friends with everyone of course (and I’m very glad I didn’t text anyone last night lol). But I will definitely only book in Saturdays from now on!

And please accept my apology for posting the £ figure - I didn’t mean to offend/be insensitive but I can see how that is. I was a few drinks in last night and posted without thinking properly. Can’t change it now except to ask for the thread to be deleted but feel like it should stay up if maybe it encourages people to be less flakey!

@easylikeasundaymorn you are 100% right that I wouldn’t have cared if we were just meeting at a pub! But when you’re literally out foraging for Holly for the dining table decor I guess expectations can get out of hand 😂😂 anyway lesson learnt and I’ve recovered now. My DP has been very nice today and a few of the good guests have sent through some lovely words of thanks so I’m feeling better than I was last night scraping plates.

£600 on a dinner party. When I throw a dinner party it costs beers wine and whatever curry you want from the takeaway I've never topped £150 yet

Surely it depends how many people are coming re the cost? I spent £400 on Christmas Day hosting a few years ago but that was for 12 people and we had left overs that we lived on for the next 3 days.

I would have appreciated it op. And I wouldn’t expect friends to be hungover (we maybe one of them). We’re not really the binge drinking type now we’ve all hit 40/50.

I had a lovely afternoon at the cinema with my friends yesterday watching Love Actually, then we went for something to eat. We all had a brilliant relaxing time. Just keep things simple, so much more enjoyable.

I totally agree and it feels liberating although a bit sad too of course.

A friend of mine said that planning a wedding really makes you realise who your friends are and which family is worth maintaining a great relationship with. He turned out to be so right unfortunately.

I have some sympathy, it's rubbish when people are flakey and drop out last minute. Bad enough when it's meeting up at the pub but utterly rude when you have spent time and money on food

But equally don't think you can expect people to "appreciate" that you spent lots of money on bowls/decorating. That's primarily for your benefit surely? What kind of appreciation were you expecting?

And I think if you are part of a very social group then it's naive to be surprised that people are hungover on a Sunday in December

I don't know why people are obsessing about £600.

Meat, cheese, half a dozen good bottles of wine etc could account for much of that. Let alone the rest of the meal, dessert, any extra serving pieces, etc.

£60 per person for nice entertaining is not outrageous.

It's becoming extremely tiresome on Mumsnet these days that people who aren't skint and struggling get vilified for having a nice lifestyle.

As somebody who loves to push the boat out hosting, OP, I can see your frustration, but I also think you need to adjust your expectations a wee bit.

To me, Sunday lunch with friends (especially in my early / mid 30s) is / was quite a casual affair: I'd save a very formal dinner party for a Saturday evening, which tends to be a tricky date in December.

Look on the bright side: you've got lots of nice tableware now!

Was there blue soup?

😀Umm I like blue... I like soup...

The money aside, you seem lovely, OP, and I totally sympathise with how you feel. People are generally selfish and thoughtless, and if you're quite sensitive and considerate of others, this kind of behaviour hurts like hell. My advice is only make an effort for people you know will behave decently and reciprocate. Leave other 'friends' to shift for themselves and turn up when you feel like it.

Your expectations were way too high, but your friends also sound a bit rubbish. I used to be like that in my 20s and was constantly disappointed. Nowadays I keep expectations low and always enjoy entertaining. Friends worth having will appreciate being asked over and anything you give them. They will talk about things that include you.

It’s not begrudging spending the money, it’s more that it raises the stress and expectation of the host and it also means other will be unlikely to reciprocate because not many of us can afford that kind of money on a Sunday lunch with friends. I’m not trying to be judgemental, more suggest to the OP how her (very well intentioned) efforts might be backfiring in terms of friendships.

a) in etiquette, reciprocation need not be of the same cost and style. it's perfectly fine to invite someone around for sandwiches, or take them to the cinema, or invite them on a walk with hot chocolate. It's the thought that counts, not the money.

b) expectations too high? That people who accept an invitation will show up, and show up in decent form to socialize?? How low have our standards dipped, if that is now seen as unreasonable?

Socializing is a two-way street and guests, as well as hosts, have responsibilities. If one typically goes out Sat and is hungover on Sunday, decline Sunday invitations. There is no excuse for a last-minute cancellation other than illness or an invitation from the King. And showing up but not bothering to make general conversation is cloddish.

It's really getting annoying that anyone whose hospitality standards involve more than eating takeaway out of the bag whilst seated in front of a blaring football match are seen as over-reaching, pretentious or flash. FFS.

I agree with you, OP, most of the oafs aren't worth bothering with. Pearls before swine.

The most gauche comment I have seen on MN in a while... 👏