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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That people are just a bit shit and not worth the bother?

172 replies

Sconehenge · 11/12/2023 01:22

Sorry for the negative nelly post but I’m just tidying up a big mess from a dinner party. It cost us around £600 and counting to put on, in addition to numerous hours of planning.

I came home early last night so I would be fresh for today but half my guests were hungover and just a bit shit, a few cancelled last minute for various “good reasons” but I can’t help think they could have given more notice/worked around . Two of the guests spent the whole time talking about a party last night that I wasn’t invited to even though we are close friends. I mean, maybe it’s my own fault for planning a lunch on a Sunday I guess.

Honestly I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I am a person who considers myself to have a nice social life but after a night like tonight I truly think what is the fucking point?

I know good friendships in life are meant to make you live longer and happier but my experience of good friends so far seems to be that most people are hedonists, they’re after whatever makes them feel good in the moment and if it’s you, then fantastic you’ll have “fun”, if it’s not you, then whatever.

I think it’s time to retire to the woods or something!

Are there better people out there or is this it?

OP posts:
SmokeyToo · 11/12/2023 04:31

I stopped hosting for the same reasons, OP. My idea of a great dinner or lunch party seems similar to yours, I always go 'all out'. But it's never, ever appreciated. So I decided I just won't do it anymore. We either meet at restaurants, or someone else's house. I've sunk many thousands of dollars into entertaining over the years and I can count on one hand the times that I've had the feeling that it's actually been appreciated. I'm really sorry nobody recognised your efforts!

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 11/12/2023 04:47

Two sides to this, I think.

  1. you are clearly a generous person making a huge effort (£600 is my monthly rent) and in your friends’s position I would likely have made a correspondingly huge effort to turn up if I’d had any inkling of how much money and time you’d invested. You sound like a great friend and I understand your annoyance.
  2. It’s Christmas - most functioning adults have parties about every ten minutes at this time of year. If my friends preferred their work dos over mine, particularly if I hadn’t told them I was spending my life savings on the party, I wouldn’t be surprised nor would I conclude they were shit. I might be sad for a bit but life is a LOT easier if you focus on the good parts and not the bad.
Calafiliona · 11/12/2023 05:01

Sorry but I found several discrepancies in your post which I'm trying to make sense of.
You said you 'came home early last night' from what? I only ask because I know if I was hosting a Sunday daytime lunch I know from experience that I would have been hours prepping the day/evening beforehand. If you were out the night before maybe that's why you weren't invited to the party your friends went to as they knew you had a prior engagement?
Then you say it was a 'dinner party 'but it was in fact a lunch party and then you say 'after a night like tonight '. Apologies if I'm missing something here but it's not adding up.
£600 is crazy, seriously what on earth did you buy/serve?

Noicant · 11/12/2023 05:03

They probably couldn’t invite you to a party that wasn’t theirs tbf. I wouldn’t invite anyone to someoneelse’s party.

It’s just the time of year OP, many people have a lot of invites and are planning their own xmases at the same time it’s a pretty busy time of the year but yeah people shouldn’t cancel at the last minute.

Don’t take it personally and maybe relax in your expectations a bit.

Calafiliona · 11/12/2023 05:09

I've just noticed you said you 'spent my evening party prepping' then also that you 'came home early last night'.
Please let us know what you bought/served as £600 is extraordinarily excessive.
I've entertained dishes of top quality to 10 people or more & with wine & spirits etc plus even extras & it's not come to over £250.

ALittleTeawithmilk · 11/12/2023 05:16

Don’t stop entertaining if you enjoy it. But I’d spend less and make sure I could cook stuff that is easy and simple and tasty. The good times are in the conversation, the music and wine in my experience. Get through the Xmas/New year period and try again. (You’ve got all the plates etc.. needed now - table settings do help set a good mood).

I think pp are right. It’s the time of year when people have a lot to do. Wait until the depths of late January or February when nothing much is happening, you’ll probably get 100% attendance.

I’d love to know what was on your lunch/dinner menu?

luckbealadytonight · 11/12/2023 05:19

I agree with you completely OP.

Are you in your late 20s/early 30s?

CharlotteRumpling · 11/12/2023 05:21

In my experience, people flake last minute even in February. People are just flakiness these days post pandemic, and half have social anxiety or claim they do.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 11/12/2023 05:24

I think it's shitty behaviour. If you accept 2 invitations then you should pace yourself, or decline the second.

Gillypie23 · 11/12/2023 05:30

600 were you eating gold leaves.

Shoxfordian · 11/12/2023 05:44

The 600 is a bit of a red herring as you were buying glasses and bowls with it, you probably need that stuff anyway and those two friends couldn't invite you to someone else's party so yabu about that

Nosleepforthismum · 11/12/2023 06:07

I have to admit the older I get, the less tolerant I am towards hungover people. We have a couple of friends who we have stopped meeting up with now as every time we see them they are hungover and just rubbish company. I think it’s since having kids, evenings out are rare and so it’s particularly grating to sit opposite a couple of sullen hungover people who’d clearly rather be in bed.

jemenfous37 · 11/12/2023 06:40

Sorry, but £600 for lunch??? How many were you catering for?
Next time, please invite me!😀

Bicorne · 11/12/2023 06:45

Just feed them pasta on whatever plates you have to hand?

Eekmystro · 11/12/2023 06:50

I think maybe you and your guests had different expectations from the lunch. Maybe your friends thought it was a more relaxed informal thing and hadn’t realised how much effort and focus you out on it.

It is a little rude to mention a party they went to if it is with a group of people you would usually be invited soo. With: obviously if it was their work or something you wouldn’t expect to go along.

Also I think you’re right that the timing was bad. A lot of events happened this weekend, so maybe your Sunday event was one too many after fri/sat events.

LouLou198 · 11/12/2023 06:54

Wouldn't be doing that again! Next year save your £600 and go away somewhere nice for the night.

Hurdygurdy12 · 11/12/2023 06:57

Sconehenge · 11/12/2023 01:49

i totally get that, I would expect guests to have gone out the night before but the two in question I would describe as my best “girl friends” even if that’s silly in our 30s. They knew the effort I was putting into the day, but still went out to a different friends Christmas party, didn’t invite me, and stayed out into the early hours to be hungover. So probably just stupid of me to plan it on a Sunday really. Meh, I don’t know maybe I had too high glorious expectations of feeling warm and lovely afterwards full of Christmas “friendsmas” joy but just found myself disliking everyone and wishing I hadn’t bothered 😂😂

Show quote history

YABU

You can’t hold a Sunday lunch in the middle of December and expect no one to have gone out and drunk the night before!! You also can’t expect your friends to invite you to someone else’s party.

WhatNoRaisins · 11/12/2023 06:57

I'm pretty judgy towards people who see having a hangover the next day as inevitable rather than a choice based on their own actions. There's a lot of people in denial about their alcohol use. They call themselves moderate drinkers but they really mean functional alcoholic.

I also agree that people are far more flaky with all sorts of crap excuses. It's hard and it's not as simple as finding new friends which is also really hard. The only thing I can suggest is trying to focus on the better friends that you already have.

MamaGhina · 11/12/2023 07:01

People are just shit yes.

I organised our Christmas do. The amount of chasing I had to do for deposits, menu choices etc was ridiculous. People even waited until after I had paid the deposit to still send money and then I had to call the restaurant and change the booking each time. Of course I could have said no, but it’s supposed to be a fun night out and everyone is busy this time of year so you do try to make allowances.

This is not to mention the ones who said they were coming and then didn’t respond to the messages about the deposit/booking. Plus the ones who paid the deposit and then cancelled or didn’t show.

It just doesn’t feel worth it.

merrymerrychristmasall · 11/12/2023 07:02

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 11/12/2023 04:12

I don’t know maybe I had too high glorious expectations of feeling warm and lovely afterwards full of Christmas “friendsmas” joy but just found myself disliking everyone and wishing I hadn’t bothered 😂😂
'Friendmas'? Is this your own or a word in your group?
I blame tv for giving unrealistic expectations of friendship groups and what they are in people's lives!

I agree - it is completely the unrealistic expectations. This probably wasn’t unexpected behaviour from these people- I’m sure they have form for this kind of behaviour so to expect jovial attentiveness from them and even gratitude was probably too much. Some groups just aren’t that way.

If you invest too much you expect too much and are inevitably going to end up disappointed and bereft. I did that a few times when I was young and learned sharpish to not have expectations of certain people under any circumstances. If the time, effort, and £ was too much for you to give without expecting a certain outcome then be certain not to invest yourself that way again with these people.

Sorry it was so disappointing and I hope you find a happy balance maybe with some other people!

Jellyx · 11/12/2023 07:09

Hmm- I can see both sides.

Where they supposed to leave a party (that someone else had planned for and spent money on?) so they could be more engaging in conversation the next day?

Once people drink alcohol they don't care about the consequences- so im unsurprised a few partied too hard.

Be grateful people showed up despite feeling hungover . Of course people spoke of the party - they were still feeling the effects..

I hope that I would just be glad to see them and look after them as a good host. Then , plan the timing a little better next time!

ohdamnitjanet · 11/12/2023 07:13

Sconehenge · 11/12/2023 01:56

@Aquamarine1029 yes definitely lesson learnt for next year! honestly think I’m just being over sensitive that they were out all night and didn’t invite me to join them, so feel stupid to have spent my evening party prepping for the shit event that everyone was hungover for. Obviously timing is everything and I shouldn’t take it personally but it still doesn’t stop me as a person from being hurt and feeling like it was a waste of time and money.

I’m with you @Sconehenge , I’d be very disappointed and hurt on all fronts. If you know someone is going to all that effort for lunch it’s not the end of the world to not get hammered the night before, they’re not teenagers. I just wouldn’t do it again and I’d spend the money on a treat for me.

FaiIureToLunch · 11/12/2023 07:17

Nobody needs loads of friends, it’s not a measure of your worth. I have like 5 and am very happy content and feel loved by them.

sorry about your party, that is truly shit. Concentrate on the ones who made an effort.

ItsMyPartyParty · 11/12/2023 07:22

Yes, people are flaky and irritating. If I were invited for lunch on a Sunday, I wouldn’t drink heavily the night before. Especially past my 20s I can’t stand the attitude that drinking to hangover status is inevitable, if you can’t have fun without getting wasted you need to grow up.

So, match their input (ie put less effort in) and look to add friends who have closer values if you want to do the fancy stuff.

moonbeammagic · 11/12/2023 07:23

I am genuinely struggling to see what they did wrong. Two went to a party the night before, which you were not invited to. It would have been rude of them to cancel just because they were invited to lunch the following day. Others also went out the night before, perhaps they were all planned before your lunch invitation. If they had all cancelled because they had something planned for the Saturday night, you would still have been upset. £600 for a Sunday lunch/dinner party is a lot - I don't think any of you did anything wrong, you just had different expectations.