That people are just a bit shit and not worth the bother?

[Sconehenge]

Sorry for the negative nelly post but I’m just tidying up a big mess from a dinner party. It cost us around £600 and counting to put on, in addition to numerous hours of planning.

I came home early last night so I would be fresh for today but half my guests were hungover and just a bit shit, a few cancelled last minute for various “good reasons” but I can’t help think they could have given more notice/worked around . Two of the guests spent the whole time talking about a party last night that I wasn’t invited to even though we are close friends. I mean, maybe it’s my own fault for planning a lunch on a Sunday I guess.

Honestly I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I am a person who considers myself to have a nice social life but after a night like tonight I truly think what is the fucking point?

I know good friendships in life are meant to make you live longer and happier but my experience of good friends so far seems to be that most people are hedonists, they’re after whatever makes them feel good in the moment and if it’s you, then fantastic you’ll have “fun”, if it’s not you, then whatever.

I think it’s time to retire to the woods or something!

Are there better people out there or is this it?

Aww OP, I know the feeling, but you live and learn. I've done the Sunday lunch thing (not Christmas season) where the guests were so hungover they hardly ate anything and their sole topic of conversation was how rough they felt and how they nearly cancelled (wish they had!).

If I entertain friends at home these days, which is around twice a year, it's just drinks and nibbles, otherwise it's meeting out at a pub/restaurant. I just can't be doing with it anymore - the planning, the prep, the expense, the mess, the disappointment. I also don't like being invited to anyone's home for dinner as that sets an expectation that we will reciprocate. Infact our main group of friends we all now do just drinks and nibbles and the invites usually state "bring nibbles, bring drinks"! That way the burden of providing a night out is shared and it's not about the food/drink anyway, it's about enjoying each other's company.

Agree, but the £600 is probably justified by the apparently large numbers - a few cancelled, but the bilk of the complaint is about half the remaining ones hung over being hung over. Which to me suggests that the gaps round the table weren't the biggest issue (which to me seems implausible, but each to their own) and that only makes the slightest sense if the numbers were large in the first place.

How many people was it for op?

Why can no one possibly imagine spending £600 on hosting a group of people - throw in some decent fizz, a proper bit of meat from the butchers, some canapés and a couple of dessert options plus all the other stuff then it’s hardly a shock.

People are the pits. I absolutely love hosting but for the same reason as many other posters - lack of appreciation, chronic flakiness, offer rarely/never returned - I have pretty much stopped hosting and just plan to meet friends out at restaurants and bars. It just saves that infuriating disappointment and a shed load of cash - although sadly doesn’t always counter the flakiness of some people (not much can do about that rather than not invite them at all, but we all know that’s easier said than done!)

Good on you for making the effort anyway! Be proud of yourself for being a good host and a good friend. x

Your friends certainly sound like a bag of dicks. Get rid of them and invite genuinely nice people instead!

Yes I had a “friend” who went mardy because I couldn’t go to their birthday party because my husband had died and I was more concerned about providing care for my children. All other fiends and associates have since slipped away so it’s just me and the kids and work colleagues that I have contact with. Pretty shitty tbh but many years in, I don’t need anyone.

You can’t hold a Sunday lunch in the middle of December and expect no one to have gone out and drunk the night before!!

Really? Why not? Is everyone that dependent on alcohol to have a good time when they go out? That's really sad if so.

I'm sorry your friends were so flakey OP. FWIW a lovely Sunday lunch/get-together sounds perfect to me and I would have been very miffed if people had accepted my invitation and then been too hungover to enjoy it.

I suppose at least now you know that Sundays are a no-go for these friends and can plan other occasions accordingly? Or get new friends that aren't so rude.

I’ve previously hosted a party for all the rellies who work shifts to have a Christmas celebration/meet up that costs a fortune and takes up a lot of my time.

Last year the same - people dropping out at the last minute with crappy excuses, people late, hungover, not in the mood, one aunt came v late as had decided to work for overtime (she doesn’t need the cash) and drank 2 bottles of wine in 2 hours and was a hammered pain in the arse.

This year I’ve booked a pub lunch for people to get together/do the present swap.

Fuck em op, if I’d been invited back throughout the year it would be fine but I’m not just providing a free feed for not much return.

Same. That's crazy money to spend on a dinner party. People are selfish, though. It's always good to manage expectations, I've learned.

I do think a lunch in December is likely to have a few people flake and a few hungover. Particularly the way that Christmas falls this year, there are really only 3 weekends in December to see people. I was out on Friday and Saturday, and ended up leaving early on Saturday (still 10.30 so not that early) as I needed a decent night's sleep. I'd be sad if the friends I was out with thought I was letting them down, they seemed very understanding, but I definitely wasn't on top form.

Honestly I wouldn't take it personally, it's not a snub just symptomatic of how much stuff there is on over a short period of time.

We had friends over recently having not done it for many years. We concluded that eating out is easier. Less hassle and less £.

Why can no one possibly imagine spending £600 on hosting a group of people - throw in some decent fizz, a proper bit of meat from the butchers, some canapés and a couple of dessert options plus all the other stuff then it’s hardly a shock.

I agree. 🤷‍♀️ But clearly spending that much was unusual for the OP as she felt the need to specify. She also is not experienced in hosting as she had to buy glasses and dishes to accommodate. Which she says will be used again.

(Also she purchased decorations but that can mean a lot of different things.) So those would have topped up her spend on top of the food and drinks.

The best meals are the ones with hosts who don’t expect much of their guests and the hosts are very relaxed with what they’ve provided whether it’s drinks and nibbles or canapés and 6 courses with a chef!

Sorry it didn't go as you planned OP. Would say though that any large gathering near Christmas on a Sunday is unadviseable.

I've got to the ripe old age of 50 and decided to just spend my time and effort on people I like and enjoy their company. My friendship circle is now a lot smaller, but I'm a lot happier.

How many people was it?

I think this is mixed expectations.

Sunday lunch pretty much everyone would expect to be a casual laid back affair. Nice to spend time with friends but not a big formal event.

Whereas by buying new crockery etc your were clearly planning a more formal event and for it to be the event of the weekend.

How did you word the invite, come for Sunday lunch or big formal invitation for a formal event?

Or are you actually most cross that you weren't invited to the other party?

Friends will be happy just to see you and don't care about how fancy the food is. Next time, just invite the nice ones, and serve cheese and crackers instead of lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy, and a fried egg on top and spam.

Spending anything over £30 is ridiculous and £25 of that should be wine.😃

ive been in a near exact situation. Spent over 1k on a party/dinner and everyone took the absolute piss. One even snarked at me for not hiring a DJ with decks.

i swore I wouldn’t do it again even though I’ve done similar things for years. It was the last time. I feel much better for it.

You’re trying too hard with the wrong people

Yes of course there are better people out there.

I'm lucky to be rich in good friends, but I've never spent £600 on a dinner party, not even close! I can't imagine being in a friendship group where that sort of thing is the norm.

I think you maybe have the wrong friends and/ or are trying too hard.

Agree with this.

If you can’t handle your alcohol and have no self-control then don’t accept a lunch invite the next day. It’s not on the host to foresee that.

People increasingly find it acceptable to cancel and not turn up to things, for spurious reasons. It’s simply rude.

I do think the money spent is irrelevant though. I would find it just as rude if you invited them over for pasta and pesto.

I used to throw parties for 100 people and regularly held dinner parties for 14. I must have been mad! All that work and expense. I would never do it now.

I think a Sunday afternoon meal with friends in their home sounds lovely. Especially, if it's beautifully decorated for Christmas so I don't know why you're being criticised, OP.

People in their 30s won't necessarily be getting pissed the night before and if they do, they should know how to recover quickly so they can be good guests at the next event.

Invite me next time, OP - I'll even help with the washing up!

I don't know OP. I think if I was hosting for a Sunday lunch I'd assume a roast and pud and a few glasses of wine. Fairly low key and certainly not £600! Maybe £200 if doing rib of beef and good red wine so I do think you overspent. HOWEVER, your guests sound rude and ungrateful. To be hungover is one thing, but hide it. Very rude to rub your face in events you weren't invited to. Invite other people and don't spend as much

I feel for you Op. I gave my last dinner party in 1992. it took me most of the 1980’s to realise I was making a lot of effort for selfish “ friends” who did not reciprocate.

The ultimate evening ended when a drunken and greedy guest vomited at the table…… my quick thinking DH shoved a wastepaper bin (with a bin liner ) under his chin, so the worst was averted…. everyone went home, DH went to bed and I was too angry to sleep and stayed up all night, opening windows to air the room and clearing up furiously to eliminate every memory.

Next morning, DH and I agreed we would host barbecues during the summer in the garden and only where people brought a salad or a dessert or similar contribution. That went on for the next 40 years, most successfully.

sadly I have had the same experience as OP. And I too really wanted to spoil my guests, flower arrangements for the table, along with matching flower napkin rings arriving from the florist, beef wellingtons and champagne….. this was genuinely not from the place of showing off, but from a wish to enjoy sharing treats with friends…making a magical evening for us all……making memories (it certainly did that! I can still see the event!) . I still do this (sharing treats with friends) but my friendship circle has been time tested and my friends share right back.

Most people are selfish. Hold that thought in your head . Don't spend that amount of money on people ever again . People come and go.