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Original poster

One member of the family ALWAYS causing problems

122 replies

BellesJar · 10/12/2023 21:39

I'm in need of a bit of practical advice. I have a relative who is very, very frequently causing huge and upsetting drama with everyone (usually different people at different times, but no one is immune). Let's call her Jane...

I love Jane but it's got to the point I dread speaking to, seeing her or even hearing about her. Jane frequently disowns us and then forgets about a month later. One member of the family is permanently estranged from Jane. Now none of us are perfect but she causes so much upset. If anyone ever dares challenge Jane she will fly off the handle and throw the most painful things she can think of back in your face.

Jane told us she got engaged less than a week ago. We were all very happy and obviously said congratulations and asked her to send us the pictures etc. She is visiting us for a day in the Christmas period along with the rest of the family and I had planned to get them an extra bottle of champagne etc, make a little celebration of it. Jane's just messaged us all to say she's really sad that no one even got her a card. I haven't responded but experience tells me this will escalate unless we all apologise.

Do I leave it, apologise or tell her what I really think?

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 10/12/2023 21:41

People like Jane should be grey rocked. You'll never win with somebody like that.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 10/12/2023 21:42

Leave it, people like Jane are exhausting and only happiest when at the centre of a drama.
Not giving a card will be a great gift as she can victim play and kick off for attention!

DahliasEverywhere · 10/12/2023 21:43

I have a Jane like that in my family. I haven’t spoken to her for ten years and probably never will.

bakewellbride · 10/12/2023 21:43

I used to know a jane. Was once angry with us for 4 weeks (yes 4 weeks) when we got her the 'wrong Christmas card'. Went nc years ago and it's brilliant. Obviously not nc over just that. There was a ton of other shit too including her laughing and saying 'who cares?' when I told her she was upsetting my baby. Fuck that, my kids come first. Vile, toxic woman.

beanontoast · 10/12/2023 21:44

we have a Jane but we’re all Nc. What I don’t get is how several of you (from the sounds of it) are friendly enough to say congrats and see her for Christmas but not get a card? I do think on that particular issue it’s a little odd. If I’m on good enough terms to say congrats for an engagement then I’d send a card but maybe that’s just me

bakewellbride · 10/12/2023 21:45

@beanontoast when we got engaged we didn't get many cards, it's not a thing to a lot of people but they did verbally congratulate/ get a gift

bakewellbride · 10/12/2023 21:46

@WhereIsBebèsChambre you've hit the nail on the head!

yogaoga · 10/12/2023 21:46

Have we got the same Jane?

Half joking. She is disordered of thinking and has lots of issues. Best to stay away OP. Can’t say for sure what those issues are but likely a myriad. You will not win or ever come to understand.

beanontoast · 10/12/2023 21:47

bakewellbride · 10/12/2023 21:45

@beanontoast when we got engaged we didn't get many cards, it's not a thing to a lot of people but they did verbally congratulate/ get a gift

Really? I’ve always sent a card and received heaps when I got engaged. I guess some people aren’t card people though. Only Op will know if Jane/the family are card people I suppose

bakewellbride · 10/12/2023 21:49

@beanontoast I am the same as you, I send a card for everything and definitely engagements! So I get what you're saying

Original poster
BellesJar · 10/12/2023 21:49

It was maybe a bit lazy but they live quite far away and we're all getting together soon so I had figured two birds one stone, I'll give them card and bubbly when they get here. If I'd posted a card the day they told me, it very well might not have got there yet, but I'll admit I haven't actually got it yet.

I would not pick Jane to be my friend, but we are close family.

She has never been happy. Ever, her whole life. It makes me so, so sad to think that. When I got engaged I was so happy I don't think I would have noticed not getting a card (and I don't think I actually got one from Jane).

OP posts:
Waynesplanet · 10/12/2023 21:50

In my own family I probably am Jane but that is another story (scapegoat for abuse they want covered up) but yes we have a Jane in DH’s family too. In fairness she has her reasons for being a Jane but it is extremely exhausting. It is all about attention.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 10/12/2023 21:51

bakewellbride · 10/12/2023 21:46

@WhereIsBebèsChambre you've hit the nail on the head!

I have a Jane, well I did, thankfully only a 'friend', massively kicked off as I got married before her, she was single. .. tried to persuade another friend we were bridesmaids for not to get married, the night before the wedding! "You always said we'd go travelling when we left school!" This was 15 years after we left school!!

beanontoast · 10/12/2023 21:51

BellesJar · 10/12/2023 21:49

It was maybe a bit lazy but they live quite far away and we're all getting together soon so I had figured two birds one stone, I'll give them card and bubbly when they get here. If I'd posted a card the day they told me, it very well might not have got there yet, but I'll admit I haven't actually got it yet.

I would not pick Jane to be my friend, but we are close family.

She has never been happy. Ever, her whole life. It makes me so, so sad to think that. When I got engaged I was so happy I don't think I would have noticed not getting a card (and I don't think I actually got one from Jane).

I’d just tell Jane that if I were you. Fair explanation. Maybe get a small gift and just say as you were seeing her soon you thought you’d save the postage. That’s if you want to keep the peace of course

TedMullins · 10/12/2023 21:52

It wouldn’t occur to me to send someone a card for getting engaged. But you also don’t have to be in contact with Jane just because you’re related. She sounds like she needs q lot of therapy but is unlikely to ever help herself. I wouldn’t bother with her if I were you

Hibambinos · 10/12/2023 21:53

You didn’t get a card from her but she expects one from you?! lol.
this woman is a powder keg just waiting to go off. I would not reply and wait for the rest of the attack. Then I would cancel the Christmas plans, and drink the champagne whilst blocking her number. At some point this woman will get seriously nasty, it’s on route.

bakewellbride · 10/12/2023 21:53

@WhereIsBebèsChambre 🤯

GreatGateauxsby · 10/12/2023 21:56

Just text Jane and say
”hi Jane, I have a card (& a small gift!) and was going to give it to you in person on the xth. Let me know if you’d prefer me to mail it. See you on the Xth!”

no drama to be had…

she seems bonkers and I am so happy I have eliminated or gone super LC with people like this

Flyhigher · 10/12/2023 21:57

What relative is she? Cousin? Sister? Sister harder to ignore completely. I think I'd say we were going to give you a surprise mini celebration at Xmas in person.

Original poster
BellesJar · 10/12/2023 21:59

It will get nasty, that's for sure. We could fall out over who gets the last roast potato and she'll make sure to tell us all of our personal failings. I just don't want to fucking hear all about how I wasn't popular as a child etc etc

I've just never been able to walk away from her completely.

OP posts:
Original poster
BellesJar · 10/12/2023 22:00

OK, it's sister.

OP posts:
bakewellbride · 10/12/2023 22:01

Does she think she's the best at everything too? That was a defining characteristic of my Jane. My god she could boast at length about his great she was. Sooo kind. Sooo helpful. So clever. So wise. Just perfect in her eyes.

bakewellbride · 10/12/2023 22:01

How

beanontoast · 10/12/2023 22:02

BellesJar · 10/12/2023 22:00

OK, it's sister.

Oh god. I really, really feel for you. It's hard enough when it's more distant family members but a sister is so difficult. Unless your parents/any other siblings are also willing to go NC, your best bet is probably keeping as low contact as possible, and situations like this just do the bare minimum to shut her up.
If it helps, the relative we are NC with (my maternal aunt) we went as low contact as possible and she got fed up with us and cut us off. So it is possible to go NC without being the instigator of the NC (someone else had tried cutting her off and she was writing big long essays on social media about them all the time, but hasn't done that about those of us where she instigated the NC).

Original poster
BellesJar · 10/12/2023 22:03

@bakewellbride yes, although sometimes I wonder if it's actually masking deep set low self esteem. That's my armchair psychology anyway

OP posts: