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AIBU?

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Original poster

One member of the family ALWAYS causing problems

122 replies

BellesJar · 10/12/2023 21:39

I'm in need of a bit of practical advice. I have a relative who is very, very frequently causing huge and upsetting drama with everyone (usually different people at different times, but no one is immune). Let's call her Jane...

I love Jane but it's got to the point I dread speaking to, seeing her or even hearing about her. Jane frequently disowns us and then forgets about a month later. One member of the family is permanently estranged from Jane. Now none of us are perfect but she causes so much upset. If anyone ever dares challenge Jane she will fly off the handle and throw the most painful things she can think of back in your face.

Jane told us she got engaged less than a week ago. We were all very happy and obviously said congratulations and asked her to send us the pictures etc. She is visiting us for a day in the Christmas period along with the rest of the family and I had planned to get them an extra bottle of champagne etc, make a little celebration of it. Jane's just messaged us all to say she's really sad that no one even got her a card. I haven't responded but experience tells me this will escalate unless we all apologise.

Do I leave it, apologise or tell her what I really think?

OP posts:
Original poster
BellesJar · 10/12/2023 22:05

@beanontoast thanks. My mum would never cut her off, no matter how cruel Jane can be to her.

OP posts:
WickedSerious · 10/12/2023 22:06

I have a cousin like this,she moved abroad almost twenty years ago and we were all glad to see the back of her.
Now and again she'll get drunk and phone someone to tell them that their father never loved them or to accuse them of 'bleeding our grandmother dry',but I haven't heard from the silly cow since 2006.

junebirthdaygirl · 10/12/2023 22:07

Sounds like borderline personality disorder or some mental illness but that's not your problem. Maybe she needs to pay a higher price when she comes back after one of her blowouts. Some consequences. Poor fiancee though!!

declutteringmymind · 10/12/2023 22:07

The correct thing would be to ignore her.

Or you could say 'I'm looking forward to giving it to you both in person when we see you'

She's very ungracious though.

Nottodaty · 10/12/2023 22:08

We have a Jane in the family - I’m LC with her. We clash the most. Whatever the occasional the whole family are on edge. She’s been like it since she was very young. Believes her opinion is right and she needs to say it regardless of whether its wrong or could be hurtful.

You can’t win , I accept that do the best I can do. And when she leaves can relax again that she has left.

She would say she is the most easy going person ever.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 10/12/2023 22:08

bakewellbride · 10/12/2023 22:01

Does she think she's the best at everything too? That was a defining characteristic of my Jane. My god she could boast at length about his great she was. Sooo kind. Sooo helpful. So clever. So wise. Just perfect in her eyes.

Mine was how teeny and delicate she was, once horrendously offended her by offering a size 8 dress to wear on an impromptu after work night out when we worked in a bar together, how awful was I to think she was 'that biiigg 😭😭' exhausting!!

yogaoga · 10/12/2023 22:09

BellesJar · 10/12/2023 22:03

@bakewellbride yes, although sometimes I wonder if it's actually masking deep set low self esteem. That's my armchair psychology anyway

It’ll absolutely be this! You could be describing my sister. It’s hard. I feel you

TomatoSandwiches · 10/12/2023 22:14

Who's been daft enough to ask for her hand?

comedycentral · 10/12/2023 22:16

Jane sounds addicted to drama and attention. I'd withdraw as much as possible, life is too short.

Sharontheodopolodous · 10/12/2023 22:16

I have two Jane's

One is my mother-perfect in her own eyes,but nobody can come close to her high standards no matter what they do

They'll always be in the wrong-if they didn't send a card,they where wrong,send one and its the wrong one

I remember the time I was summoned to her birthday meal

Showed up,ate,controlled the kids and was gossiped about (to my face) by the rest of the family about why I'd been invited as nobody wanted us there

She went looney afterwards as I hadn't bought her flowers to be delivered to the table

What she forgot was,I didn't want to be there, was a skint single mum,who was counting every penny,I'd given birth 48 hours before,had 3 other kids to wrestle with (she expected perfect behaviour but none of them would help) and was at the start of pnd (which nearly put me in hospital)

Plus there was 4 male members sat there and two other females-none had bothered either (all with good jobs and a lot more disposal income then me)-but it was all my fault

Oh the howling about how useless I was
I'm now nc

Another is an ex friend

The second she started,I dropped her

I don't have time for that shite in my life-if anyone starts,I walk

If you can't drop them,grey rock is your friend

They just live for the drama-its their oxygen

MabelQ · 10/12/2023 22:19

Although I don’t even send cards to engaged friends (nor did I receive any when we got engaged, as far as I remember!), it definitely wouldn’t occur to me to mail a card to a sister. I’d consider immediate family to be “worth” exactly what you did - a special congratulatory gift/card/hug as soon as we could next get together. If I had a sister and she just mailed me a card, I’d be thinking it was a bit odd! So I think your original plan was perfectly reasonable and that she’s definitely overreacting; people don’t really mail cards upon receiving news nowadays. Nobody mailed cards to us when we announced any pregnancies, although they certainly flooded us with cards/gifts when together!

throughgrittedteeth · 10/12/2023 22:23

My brother is our Jane. He bloody loves a drama and can be vicious. I seem to be the only person in the world who is exempt from this but he seems to hold a lot of resentment especially towards our step dad and also other brother and his wife and kids so they're almost always the target of his frustrations. Any time there's a family occasion he will be passive aggressive the whole time, throw shade at people and be outwardly rude. If he's had a drink it's even worse. After the event I'll get a phone call where he'll dissect the event, slagging everyone off. Even if I ignore his calls, a week or more later he'll catch me off guard and I'll answer the phone and it will begin. Exhausting!

Offcom · 10/12/2023 22:23

Am desperate to know who’s decided to hitch their wagon to Jane’s for life, have you met them?

LivStanshall · 10/12/2023 22:27

Sounds like scapegoating to me.

Original poster
BellesJar · 10/12/2023 22:27

Thanks for the stories and advice.

I have met her fiance, although know very little about him. They've been together around 1 year. Apparently he already always agrees with her about how awful we all are.

We got her birthday wrong this year, but the whole story is too outing. She got a gift, card, cake, visit, champagne etc but we still got it wrong.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 10/12/2023 22:32

Stop doing Birthdays and the like, if she kicks off tell her,
" we always seem to get it wrong for you so we thought there's no point trying. "

Offcom · 10/12/2023 22:43

Am coming around to the idea that if certain people in my life are never happy then I might as well be the supposed cause of that unhappiness in a way that means I do what I want. But I feel for you and your family as it’s no way to live, being dictated to by an unambitious despot

bakewellbride · 10/12/2023 22:43

@BellesJar I have been there and done that! Exhausting.

Eekmystro · 10/12/2023 22:48

This sounds awful to deal with op.
How come you feel you have to put up with her behaviour? Is it because you worry for your mum? Or are you easily guilted.

We have a few people like her in our family, but I’ve cut off from them because I honestly find them detestable and wouldn’t allow them to bring crap into my life.

My response to her text would probably be “ I had planned to give you a card and a present when you visited, but now you’ve sent such a rude message don’t bother coming to my home anymore”.

Im not saying you should respond that way. As clearly that requires follow through of univiting her.

What outcome would you like with Jane?

LemonLight · 10/12/2023 22:52

We had a Jane in our family (DHs sister) haven't spoken to her in years and we're better off for it. It was too tiring being inserted into her spiteful dramas.

ChristmasTreeStar · 10/12/2023 23:00

I have two in my family too SILs. Ive gone NC and its bliss. Its almost a game to keep avoiding family get togethers if i know they are going to be there! 🤭

Aquariass · 11/12/2023 03:03

I can really relate to this. My sister is a Jane. I love her deeply but it really drags me down.

She always makes snide comments and throws insults at me around other people masked as a ‘joke’ and will block me and go no contact over what I feel are ridiculous reasons.

Last year on my mums birthday we were ordering a take away to have together. My sister was coming so I called her earlier that day and asked her if she wanted me to order for her and collect and meet her at my mums. ‘Jane’ said she didn’t want a take away as she’s on a diet and will bring her own food. When she arrived at my mums, I was plating up the take away and she walked in the door (half an hour late) with uncooked food. She then proceeded to tell me I’m selfish and never consider her and that I should’ve called her to double check she didn’t want anything. I said if she had changed her mind she could’ve called me to tell me that and I would’ve added her to the order, but because I didn’t preempt her change of mind, I was told it was my fault. She then took her uncooked food and left, didn’t even say happy birthday to my mum. She blocked me on all social media and messaging channels for two months after this incident.

Her behaviour is completely irrational and it really grates on me. Her main agenda in any proper conversation is to tell everyone how unloved she is and how no one in our family cares about her. We all continue to forgive and move on and help her with her son. I pick him up from school two nights a week every week, feed him and take him out etc but of course in her eyes I never ever help her.

It’s incredibly draining.

Original poster
BellesJar · 11/12/2023 03:50

@LivStanshall - she would definitely feel she is a scapegoat. Personally, I find it difficult to see it that way because the way she is has caused significant problems in all areas of her life (not just family). Relationships, friendships, jobs have followed same trajectories.

What do I want from this? I would really like to get to the point where I don't panic whenever I hear she's coming to something because I know it means a fight but I don't think that's likely.

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 04:03

Don't say anything. And accept you will always be in a no-win situation with her.

Gillypie23 · 11/12/2023 05:36

Jane sounds exhausting and doesn't deserve your kindness.