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Original poster

One member of the family ALWAYS causing problems

122 replies

BellesJar · 10/12/2023 21:39

I'm in need of a bit of practical advice. I have a relative who is very, very frequently causing huge and upsetting drama with everyone (usually different people at different times, but no one is immune). Let's call her Jane...

I love Jane but it's got to the point I dread speaking to, seeing her or even hearing about her. Jane frequently disowns us and then forgets about a month later. One member of the family is permanently estranged from Jane. Now none of us are perfect but she causes so much upset. If anyone ever dares challenge Jane she will fly off the handle and throw the most painful things she can think of back in your face.

Jane told us she got engaged less than a week ago. We were all very happy and obviously said congratulations and asked her to send us the pictures etc. She is visiting us for a day in the Christmas period along with the rest of the family and I had planned to get them an extra bottle of champagne etc, make a little celebration of it. Jane's just messaged us all to say she's really sad that no one even got her a card. I haven't responded but experience tells me this will escalate unless we all apologise.

Do I leave it, apologise or tell her what I really think?

OP posts:
vidflex · 11/12/2023 15:27

BellesJar · 11/12/2023 15:04

"She literally believes her own lies"

I got to the point where I would always try to get things (particularly plans) in writing so that when she lied I'd have it in black and white, but what's the point of a relationship like that??

We do this now. Get plans finalised by text or email.

This year there was a family meet up. A few of us offered to pick her up and bring her back as she doesn't drive and it was quite far away. She refused and said she would make her own way there. She didn't turn up. Then went ballistic at us all for not offering to pick her up lol. We had to screenshot the offer to her, and then she went mad that we should have insisted on picking her up.

Bonkers.

nutelia · 11/12/2023 15:33

We have a Jane in the family too. It actually baffles me how she can’t see she is out of order… she has issues with and falls out with Every. Single. Person. in the family yet everybody else manages to get on fine with each other, so it baffles me that she can’t work out that she’s a problem. Infuriating.

ManateeFair · 11/12/2023 16:49

I love Jane

Why? She sounds fucking horrible.

Nonplusultra · 11/12/2023 17:05

I’m a bit envious of the posters who advise going nc, and I think they’re probably right but I also have experience with dysfunctional family (through several generations), trauma, neurodiversities and devastating mental health conditions and it’s a tangled mess.

I have two priorities - one is staying safe (which extends to my dc) and the other is staying in reality and truth. I work at not getting dragged in to other people’s craziness, or playing games, scoring points etc. Mostly I let things go (I know I can come across as a bit stupid and dull but I can live with that) but if I’m challenged directly I’ll be factual and brief. And I mentally challenge things, and think “that’s a lie” because I grew up with so much gaslighting that it’s important to me to recognise it.

If you’re going to be wrong, whatever you do, then start doing what suits you. You have NO control over her reaction. But you do have control over yours.

Waynesplanet · 11/12/2023 17:12

Nonplusultra · 11/12/2023 17:05

I’m a bit envious of the posters who advise going nc, and I think they’re probably right but I also have experience with dysfunctional family (through several generations), trauma, neurodiversities and devastating mental health conditions and it’s a tangled mess.

I have two priorities - one is staying safe (which extends to my dc) and the other is staying in reality and truth. I work at not getting dragged in to other people’s craziness, or playing games, scoring points etc. Mostly I let things go (I know I can come across as a bit stupid and dull but I can live with that) but if I’m challenged directly I’ll be factual and brief. And I mentally challenge things, and think “that’s a lie” because I grew up with so much gaslighting that it’s important to me to recognise it.

If you’re going to be wrong, whatever you do, then start doing what suits you. You have NO control over her reaction. But you do have control over yours.

I really wish I was you. I was bullied and there was SA growing up and the gaslight really does me in. I couldn’t do what you do and just accept that is their version which I wish I was able to do. I get very reactive when family members gaslight, which given they are trying to deny abuse they do, so I stay away from them. My being reactive is an internal thing so they don’t suffer it but I do.

SgtJuneAckland · 11/12/2023 17:21

I think your response is a reaction to the relationship, generally if a sibling gets engaged you send a card? When DB got engaged they were away on holiday so I sent a card knowing it would be there when they got back. I was seeing them a week later but it felt like the usual thing to do. However if I hadn't my brother wouldn't have cared less, he probably wouldn't have even noticed and I genuinely can't remember if he got me one, it was quite a long time ago 😁.

It seems like Jane is constantly expecting to be disappointed, primed for that response when someone hasn't met her expectations.

nutbrownhare15 · 11/12/2023 17:31

I would respond with you got her a card for when you will be seeing her and leave it at that. It's factual and highlights her drama. I wouldn't bother with the champagne and would be looking to minimise contact from now on.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 11/12/2023 18:09

Tell her you did send a congratulations card and you're surprised it hasn't arrived yet, but xmas post being what it is ...... Then give her a replacement card when you see her 😁

user1477391263 · 11/12/2023 22:42

God, “card people” are so fucking exhausting. Even if you do send a card, it’ll have the wrong message on it, will be too generic, the picture on the front will offend them in some way, sent by cheaper post rather than the more expensive poster option, sent too early or too late etc.

user1477391263 · 11/12/2023 22:44

Waynesplanet · 11/12/2023 12:00

The Jane in DHs family is absolutely the family scapegoat as was I in mine so I am completely sympathetic to her about that.

But she does not allow any boundaries in friendship, work, family, she has none of her own, she is ill and exhausted the whole time and in a permanent state of overwhelm and also she is incredibly demanding and has incredibly high expectations constantly looking for validation and signs of love. Personally I feel completely overwhelmed and suffocated by her behaviour.

I give the whole of Jane’s family a wide berth now except for DH because they caused Jane’s issues It was a narcissistic (FIL) and codependent (MIL) and was an abusive upbringing. DH holds them at massive arms length but Jane will not address the reality of her family for her and put in some of the boundaries she needs for her own well being because they seriously, seriously damage her, so instead she vents non stop. We are completely exhausted by her and the venting triggers me about my own similar experiences but I agree a lot of Jane’s are likely to be family scapegoats.

Edited

Yes, but in which way are the causation arrows pointing, let’s be honest?

If you’ve got two kids and one of them has a difficult personality, of course people in the family will find them a nuisance and treat them differently to other family members with pleasant personalities.

coldcallerbaiter · 11/12/2023 22:52

Send a card then….hand make it yourself. It should be 1cmx1cm and in tiny writing, so small you need a magnifying glass and write:

Jane, I am writing this card because you said you were disappointed not to get one.

ButterflyWings13 · 11/12/2023 23:15

People like Jane suck the life out of everything and everyone around them and are best off left alone

ButterflyWings13 · 11/12/2023 23:17

TomatoSandwiches · 10/12/2023 22:32

Stop doing Birthdays and the like, if she kicks off tell her,
" we always seem to get it wrong for you so we thought there's no point trying. "

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Bernardmanning · 11/12/2023 23:26

Is it possible that she could have paranoid personality disorder? My sister has that and some of the behaviour sounds similar (although had she got engaged and I hadn't sent a card I don't think she would have reacted like yours). She never did anything wrong at home, but I did have a better relationship growing up with my parents. We both experienced a certain amount of trauma in our childhoods which impacted us, but we responded in different ways. I became an anxious people pleaser, she became very distrustful and suspicious of people, eventually cutting everyone out of her life. She hardly has anyone. She is single, hadn't left her house for years, lives alone, is NC with all family and many of her old friends. She's in extremely poor physical and mental health and it is just so very very hard, because we obviously all care about her, but she puts up huge flimsy defenses to protect her own mental health, which stems from very low self esteem. It took me years and years of feeling so hurt by her behaviour and the awful way she treated me, but then, having stumbled across the condition, which fits exactly, including age of onset etc, I have a lot of sympathy for her. Her thinking is distorted. Unfortunately my father's was too.

Bernardmanning · 11/12/2023 23:28

Could you not act upset that she hadn't yet thanked her for the message/banner of congratulations attached to an aeroplane that you hired to circle her house for 30 minutes the other day?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 11/12/2023 23:32

user1477391263 · 11/12/2023 22:44

Yes, but in which way are the causation arrows pointing, let’s be honest?

If you’ve got two kids and one of them has a difficult personality, of course people in the family will find them a nuisance and treat them differently to other family members with pleasant personalities.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly and the Janes will never ever see they have a negative part in things, they are always the victim. They 'tell their truth' other people bully and abuse them.

coldcallerbaiter · 11/12/2023 23:34

Bernardmanning · 11/12/2023 23:28

Could you not act upset that she hadn't yet thanked her for the message/banner of congratulations attached to an aeroplane that you hired to circle her house for 30 minutes the other day?

Yes, love it!

Nonplusultra · 12/12/2023 06:03

@Waynesplanet Flowers I guess we’re all just coping in whatever way we can.

Original poster
BellesJar · 12/12/2023 08:05

It hasn't escalated yet! I think I might just leave it - this is a first!!

OP posts:
howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 12/12/2023 09:13

Yeah, don't poke the Bear 🥴.

Original poster
BellesJar · 12/12/2023 13:34

Oh, it has kicked off, just not to me.

OP posts:
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