Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex FIL angry at DC's when they visit

137 replies

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:37

Split up about a year ago. I instigated the split and stayed in the family home. Ex refuses to come here.
He moved back in with his parents. Sleeps on their sofa. He says he has no way of being able to move out which is probably true as we live in an expensive city and he is a retail assistant.
Therefore one day of the week, I drop our children (7 and 8, one has additional needs) to his parents and pick them up at 6/7. His parents are older and had looked forward to having a bit of peace. I can feel that my ex FIL is annoyed at having to share his weekends/ home/ tv with small children again.
Recently he has been shouting at them and being short tempered in general at them. Sometimes there is a reason but mostly it's for relatively small things. The worst thing is he stays angry at them (not saying bye and being off with them/ sitting in a different room). The kids notice and say that they don't want to go there anymore.
I completely understand that it must be frustrating having to share your house with a grown up son and small children again but it's one day a week and it's not my children's fault. If he wants to, he could say to his son, my ex, that he needs to move out. He could kick him out and see if he would be able to get social housing (unlikely I know).
Until then I don't know how to protect my children. They're not angels but they deserve to feel safe and loved and valued. I don't want them to go somewhere where someone rolls their eyes and walks out of the room when they come in.
Has anyone found any magic solutions? I know in the summer it's easier for my ex to take them out all day but in winter it's cold and he doesn't have limitless money. On one day after school they stay in a cafe for four hours with him so they don't have to go back to his parents house. It's far from ideal.

OP posts:
DPotter · 10/12/2023 20:40

What plans do you have for divorce / splitting the marital assets ?

I ask as the best way to ensure the child don't get upset by their grandfather is for your ex to move into his own place.

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:42

@DPotter it's my house, unfortunately, and we weren't married. I don't have much money so can't lend him some for a deposit. We tried to sell the house but it wouldn't sell so we made the decision to wait until after the kids finish primary.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 10/12/2023 20:43

4hrs in a cafe? That’s really not good for any of them. My question also about splitting marital assets so he can get a small place?

YouBelongWithMe · 10/12/2023 20:44

Would you be comfortable with him spending time with them at your house? I know it's not ideal but neither is the current situation.

covenoflittlewitches · 10/12/2023 20:44

He could enrol them in swimming the mornings that could take up a good chunk of the morning then lunch then find them sorting to do in the afternoons, arts and craft, library, play area, coats on,welies on and of tote park.

There is actually a lot he could do but I bet when he kids get there he sits on his pone and lets his parents deal with them - that's why fil is getting pissed off

EvilElsa · 10/12/2023 20:45

Would you be in the position to contribute towards him taking them swimming once a week? That's a few hours of fun. Have you got a local library?

Holidayhell22 · 10/12/2023 20:47

I agree with him coming to your house and you going out.
Or as covenoflittlewitches suggests he needs to find something to do with them. After all, it’s only one day, he needs to make much more if an effort.

10HailMarys · 10/12/2023 20:49

You can’t change the way your ex-FIL acts in his own home, and the problem here is your ex who is sleeping on his parents’ sofa. He needs to find somewhere to live, even if it’s a studio flat, or he needs to grow up and agree to come to your house to see the kids.

I don’t think many older people would be particularly cheerful to have their adult son dossing down on their sofa and having two kids who are ‘not angels’ in his house all day every week.

It’s all very well saying that ex-FIL should just ‘throw him out’ so he can get on the social housing list, but a single man who sees his kids once a week is not going to be a priority for social housing in an expensive city. I don’t think you can possibly reasonably argue that making his own son homeless would be a more decent thing to do than snapping at his grandkids now and again.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/12/2023 20:51

I don’t understand; it’s your house but say “we” were going to sell it. Why would you sell it and deprive your children of their home if it’s yours and you didn’t buy together?

10HailMarys · 10/12/2023 20:52

We tried to sell the house but it wouldn't sell so we made the decision to wait until after the kids finish primary

I’m sorry, but that’s mad. Your house wouldn’t sell so you decided to give up for the next four years until your seven-year-old starts secondary school? While one of you is living on his dad’s sofa?

Don’t be so bloody wet and get the house back on the market.

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:52

@10HailMarys but it's not my children's fault. It's not their fault their parents have split, it's not their fault that their dads salary wouldn't be able to get him even a studio flat in the city they live in.
He will not come to ours and I'm not sure I want that either. It's too stressful and I need that day to catch up on work and clean.

OP posts:
titchy · 10/12/2023 20:53

If his salary won't cover rent he's probably entitled to UC. Has he looked into that? Didn't think so...

misssunshine4040 · 10/12/2023 20:55

Most landlords won't touch UC claimants and you need to earn 3x the rent to even get a viewing these days

maddening · 10/12/2023 20:55

If it is the ops House I don't see why she should sell it to fund the exes living situation

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:56

There's a billion reasons our home won't sell, I don't need to list them here. This isn't the issue. I was only going to sell to help my ex out with a deposit but the amount we would have to reduce it wouldn't allow me to buy even a two bed anywhere near their school and my work. I mean I'm not willing to sacrifice my children's school where they are happy and supported (see SEN board for how rare this is) and my own sanity, especially as it is my ex's unreasonable behaviour which ended the relationship.

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 10/12/2023 20:56

Is there any reason why it has to be a full day? Could it be split and they go to him for tea one day and stay a few hours and then just a weekend morning or afternoon so that it doesn't feel so overwhelming for the grandparents.

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:56

@titchy no but I have and he isn't entitled.

OP posts:
GreyBlackLove · 10/12/2023 20:56

If this is your house and you weren't married why would you be selling it? Was there an agreement he'd contribute to the mortgage and get a lump sum if you split?

19lottie82 · 10/12/2023 20:57

titchy · 10/12/2023 20:53

If his salary won't cover rent he's probably entitled to UC. Has he looked into that? Didn't think so...

if you’re a single person with no dependants or health problems you won’t be entitled to UC if you’re earning NMW and working FT.

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:57

@GreyBlackLove no agreement but I was hoping to sell and give him something to try to avoid this exact situation. I didn't know that I would be looking at selling for a third less than I paid for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 21:00

@Fizzadora he only has one day off per week.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/12/2023 21:00

Why would you do that though? It’s not your responsibility to house another adult, who it sounds like was unreasonable in his behaviour. It is your responsibility to house your children though. Don’t risk their future for his

Duckingella · 10/12/2023 21:03

I know it's not ideal but could he have them at your house?;if you have a relative with a spare room or a cheap hotel could you go one better and have a whole night off if your ex stayed at yours overnight?

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 21:03

@MrsElijahMikaelson1 because he's my children's dad and I know how much it will fuck them up if he dies. He is a walking male suicide statistic and if I had to sell to try to help him then I would.

OP posts:
Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 21:05

Ex won't come here. I can't go into it here but it's not an option.

OP posts: