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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex FIL angry at DC's when they visit

137 replies

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:37

Split up about a year ago. I instigated the split and stayed in the family home. Ex refuses to come here.
He moved back in with his parents. Sleeps on their sofa. He says he has no way of being able to move out which is probably true as we live in an expensive city and he is a retail assistant.
Therefore one day of the week, I drop our children (7 and 8, one has additional needs) to his parents and pick them up at 6/7. His parents are older and had looked forward to having a bit of peace. I can feel that my ex FIL is annoyed at having to share his weekends/ home/ tv with small children again.
Recently he has been shouting at them and being short tempered in general at them. Sometimes there is a reason but mostly it's for relatively small things. The worst thing is he stays angry at them (not saying bye and being off with them/ sitting in a different room). The kids notice and say that they don't want to go there anymore.
I completely understand that it must be frustrating having to share your house with a grown up son and small children again but it's one day a week and it's not my children's fault. If he wants to, he could say to his son, my ex, that he needs to move out. He could kick him out and see if he would be able to get social housing (unlikely I know).
Until then I don't know how to protect my children. They're not angels but they deserve to feel safe and loved and valued. I don't want them to go somewhere where someone rolls their eyes and walks out of the room when they come in.
Has anyone found any magic solutions? I know in the summer it's easier for my ex to take them out all day but in winter it's cold and he doesn't have limitless money. On one day after school they stay in a cafe for four hours with him so they don't have to go back to his parents house. It's far from ideal.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 10/12/2023 22:27

Don't be fucking stupid, selling your house to give him a deposit?
Your children need at least one sensible parent, don't sacrifice their home for their father, if he was any kind of decent man he wouldn't accept it anyway, ridiculous.

Eekmystro · 10/12/2023 22:33

Op sounds like altering contact so the kids have more frequent but shorter bouts of contact with their dad might be preferable. So instead of staying at in-laws for a whole day once a week, he see the.mum a couple of times a week for a few hours each maybe? That’s possible more manageable for him and FIL.

Other than that I’m not sure what you can do. FIL is unlikely to change and it sounds like your ex is in a difficult spot and likely to not be able to manage this extra complexity.

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 22:34

@TomatoSandwiches I'm not, but how else can his situation improve? He is well below ever being able to afford even a bedsit, and there's not employers clamouring to give recovering addicts well paid jobs, funnily enough. He is completely lacking in confidence after years of only having courage from using.
I don't want my kids to visit him at their grandparents forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 22:37

I might be a bit extra sensitive about this as a friend's eight year son has lost his dad from suicide recently and it's just horrific. Her son is just bawling in pain all the time. It's a pain few get over, losing a parent through suicide. You always think what if and why.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 10/12/2023 22:37

Theunamedcat · 10/12/2023 21:39

This is not your issue to solve its his and ex fil

If he is actually suicidal I wouldn't want my kids around him anyway

Sounds like a risky situation for your children recently addict dad stroppy grandad wet lettuce mom who is advocating for the children here

I think calling op a wet lettuce is really unfair. She's in an incredibly difficult position and trying to do what's best for everybody. I doubt you could do any better.

I also wonder whether fil is in the early stages of dementia. I have had several elderly relatives go through it (at the moment it's my dad) and short-temperedness and lack of filter is really common, as is decreased tolerance for normal small-child disruption. It may be that he can't help it. Really ex needs to find ways of occupying the children elsewhere, but I do appreciate how soul-destroying that can be at this time of year. Local museums etc wear thin very quickly. I could suggest projects like architecture spotting, geocaching, scavenger hunts etc but it all sounds laughably out of touch to someone who is skint and depressed 😔

So no useful advice from me, but I think you're doing everything you can and I sympathise.

Eekmystro · 10/12/2023 22:38

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 22:34

@TomatoSandwiches I'm not, but how else can his situation improve? He is well below ever being able to afford even a bedsit, and there's not employers clamouring to give recovering addicts well paid jobs, funnily enough. He is completely lacking in confidence after years of only having courage from using.
I don't want my kids to visit him at their grandparents forever.

Sorry to ask, but are you sure he wouldn’t relapse and loose any money you gifted him to his addiction? It would just be a shame to loose your stability and end up having the money given to him lost anyway.

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 22:39

@sprigatito thank you, I really mean it Flowers

OP posts:
Billybobranaway · 10/12/2023 22:50

Have you looked at your local cost of living provision? Part of our local offer are warm spaces. These are in all types of places like leisure centres and churches. Many combine them with other free activities like arts and crafts. I know some even offer free drinks and or food. This would give them a couple of hours out of the house plus the travel time.

Maybe an annual ticket to soft play or something like that could be a christmas gift? Even If multiple people contribute. Another option would be a national trust membership, you can pay monthly and they have different events all the time both indoors and outdoors.

QS90 · 10/12/2023 22:53

Not ideal either, but if you aren't too hard up yourself, could you afford to give him some money to take the children out? Like, £30 so he could take them to the cinema?

Or if he would feel embarrassed taking cash, then book swimming lessons for them, for example, that he then takes them to? Obviously you shouldn't have to, but perhaps it's a lesser evilism, at least for the winter months.

Does he have any relatives who are less horrible than his dad? Like an Auntie or something he could go to if he explained the situation? Just one weekend a month. Do his siblings who live with him have any interest in their neices / nephews? Could they help by taking them out some of the time?

silvertoil · 10/12/2023 23:07

Another one who just wants to add you're not wrong to have some compassion, OP.
Contact at the family house - in winter at least - really is the most practical option so would push that. Swimming and museums are not going to help much.

Teaandtoast12 · 10/12/2023 23:09

I might have missed some details about how they got on? But if you did used to get on with FIL could you try and make a little care package with maybe food, drinks, snacks, books, puzzle/puzzle books for the grandparents from the grandchildren and your ex have an honest chat with them that yes it’s not ideal, and ask if is there anything that can be changed for example is it in a certain room they’re extra worried about something breaking, I think your ex needs to make it clear that he needs to see his kids and he is sorry it has worked out this way but he’s willing to try and be reasonable with them to make things a bit easier at home

silvertoil · 10/12/2023 23:10

(By the family house - I mean your house.)

PermanentTemporary · 10/12/2023 23:16

I think you're right to suggest shorter sessions at the house in winter. If the visits get less stressful so that the children want to go, that would be well worth it.

Could it work to have a family meeting - you, ex, ILs? To try and share ideas and worries?

TomatoSandwiches · 10/12/2023 23:17

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 22:34

@TomatoSandwiches I'm not, but how else can his situation improve? He is well below ever being able to afford even a bedsit, and there's not employers clamouring to give recovering addicts well paid jobs, funnily enough. He is completely lacking in confidence after years of only having courage from using.
I don't want my kids to visit him at their grandparents forever.

I am not unsympathetic to your ex, truly I understand, addiction has and continto affect my siblings and a parent but what you propose puts your children at risk of losing a stable home which they absolutely do need and is enabling your ex to not take some responsibility for his adult needs.
He needs to get more support and help, these things you can help with, look for support groups, GP visits etc and contacting social housing or schemes for people with addictions but he needs to pay his own way, he needs to take some accountability.

How would you feel giving him a deposit and using that money to relapse?

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 23:22

@TomatoSandwiches I wouldn't give him the money but I would pay the deposit directly to the letting agency and let him know it was only a one off.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright2 · 10/12/2023 23:38

This man is your ex ..

You can signpost him to support unless he reaches out it will be pointless .

His kids need more .

I absolutely would not sell my house that is the kids security . Pay the deposit - he then needs money for rent . ..easy to loose the lot.

kweeble · 10/12/2023 23:48

You can’t solve his problems for him and that’s why you split.
i would keep your own home as he could easily blow any money he gets.
If he’s suicidal then see if you can get him help but you’re no longer responsible for him. It may be better for your children to see him for a few good hours than a very long day.

musicforthesoul · 10/12/2023 23:53

If he's Christian maybe church? They quite often have social stuff after services as well.

If weather is dry geocaching can keep kids entertained if they like treasure hunt type activities.

Museums could be a day out if you have free ones nearby.

Assuming you're in a big city then he can have a look at what's on guides each weekend, there's often free children's activities around.

Maybe not ideal but does he have a gaming console? If it's the kids running round the house irritating your FIL then ex and dc could have a game they play together somewhere out the way. One of the adult kids in the house might be willing to give their room up for a few hours.

Board games/arts and crafts/lego/baking etc. Something ex is actively doing with the DC while in the house. They're not likely to be interacting much with FIL if they're busy doing an activity with their dad.

Realistically if he can't come to yours and is skint they are going to be in contact with FIL as they'll spend a decent part of the day in the house over winter. How is ex reacting if FIL shouts? Might be worth focusing on what you want him to do.

wronginalltherightways · 11/12/2023 00:11

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:42

@DPotter it's my house, unfortunately, and we weren't married. I don't have much money so can't lend him some for a deposit. We tried to sell the house but it wouldn't sell so we made the decision to wait until after the kids finish primary.

Why would you sell your house? It's your house. Not his. And he's not entitled to any of it if you weren't married.

I'm sorry he's struggling, but you aren't rolling in it and you have to maintain a home for you and your DCs. He needs to figure something out that doesn't involve you selling a house he has no interest in, a house that his children are housed in!

pizzaHeart · 11/12/2023 00:13

OP you’ve mentioned that one of your children has additional needs. Could you get him a cinema card (CEA card) which allows carer free, I don’t remember the age but obviously you can check it online. Also there is a scheme called Max card https://mymaxcard.co.uk/ which gives discounts for families of children with additional needs. It’s not much but every little help counts if your ex doesn’t have much money.
Someone mentioned churches, it might be a good option for activities.
It looks like you need to find a hobby which happens outside of the house for all 3 of them.

Discounts for fostered and disabled children – MaxCardMaxCard – The Max Card is the UK’s leading discount card for foster families and families of children with additional needs. Families can use their Max Card at venues across the UK to get free or di...

https://mymaxcard.co.uk/

misssunshine4040 · 11/12/2023 00:31

You are only responsible for your kids.
Your EX is an addict and not in a position to put parenting 1st.
You cannot prevent a suicide, a relapse, keep him clean etc.
His issues are his alone. You have to protect your kids from them as best you can

misssunshine4040 · 11/12/2023 00:33

Also. you said he has no confidence after years of using so it sounds like you and your children have been around his addiction and the effects long enough.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 11/12/2023 01:07

His situation is not your problem to fix.

You've got a lot of empathy for someone who is not demonstrating that they want to even help themselves.

His domicile and his own dads attitude is his problem, however your kids and yourself are your problem.

Don't send them where they're going to be verbally abused or made to feel unwanted or walk on eggshells. THATS THE STUFF THAT WILL FUCK THEM UP.

It's terribly sad that your ex is an addict and has trauma and all this, but therapy exists. Medications exist. Better jobs with more sociable hours exist.

You can't fix him or his issues.

Stop sending your kids to an environment where they're set up to fail and can't thrive.

DeeCeeCherry · 11/12/2023 01:10

There are loads of free acrivities to do with children. Look on Eventbrite, since their dad appears to have zero initiative. You’ll find loads. Your ex is lazy and cant be asked to take his children out for a few hours yet you've got all the excuses ready for him. Your FIL is unreasonable, they're his grandchildren and its only once a week. But maybe he's a cantankerous man so won't change.

Flyhigher · 11/12/2023 02:59

So were you both addicts then? That's very difficult. You both used at your house?

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