Ex FIL angry at DC's when they visit

[HairdryerMary]

Split up about a year ago. I instigated the split and stayed in the family home. Ex refuses to come here.
He moved back in with his parents. Sleeps on their sofa. He says he has no way of being able to move out which is probably true as we live in an expensive city and he is a retail assistant.
Therefore one day of the week, I drop our children (7 and 8, one has additional needs) to his parents and pick them up at 6/7. His parents are older and had looked forward to having a bit of peace. I can feel that my ex FIL is annoyed at having to share his weekends/ home/ tv with small children again.
Recently he has been shouting at them and being short tempered in general at them. Sometimes there is a reason but mostly it's for relatively small things. The worst thing is he stays angry at them (not saying bye and being off with them/ sitting in a different room). The kids notice and say that they don't want to go there anymore.
I completely understand that it must be frustrating having to share your house with a grown up son and small children again but it's one day a week and it's not my children's fault. If he wants to, he could say to his son, my ex, that he needs to move out. He could kick him out and see if he would be able to get social housing (unlikely I know).
Until then I don't know how to protect my children. They're not angels but they deserve to feel safe and loved and valued. I don't want them to go somewhere where someone rolls their eyes and walks out of the room when they come in.
Has anyone found any magic solutions? I know in the summer it's easier for my ex to take them out all day but in winter it's cold and he doesn't have limitless money. On one day after school they stay in a cafe for four hours with him so they don't have to go back to his parents house. It's far from ideal.

@Bearbookagainandagain yes I think this might be the best option. Thanks x

I think the support, kindness and understanding you are showing your ex is admirable. But in all of this your children should be the absolute priority.

if you ex-father makes them unhappy or uncomfortable then the kids shouldn’t be around him. Any financial security you have should support your children-unless your ex puts in a formal claim against you. It isn’t up to you to financially help your ex see his children.

you sound like a tough cookie OP. But you shouldn’t have to fix everyone

It seems unreasonable to me that he won't spend time in the family home to see his children.
If he won't do that, and you reasonably don't want them in the crowded, grumpy grandparent's home, then he has to accept he sees them in the family home or for a lot less time somewhere in a public, but warm place.

None of this makes a lot of sense to me. You've always supported him yet he won't get professional help and won't come to your home. It's almost as if he's sabotaging whilst you try to rescue. Bizarre.

OP I applaud you for trying everything here. I don't agree you should sell your house to help financially.

If it helps, my Dad was mentally unwell, who did kill himself. When my parents split, he wouldn't see us at the family home, and he was in a hostel, so it wasn't safe for us to go there. He lost his job too, so we couldn't do anything that cost money (there were 3 of us kids).

We only had 1 summer and 1 winter before he died, but summer was definitely easier. We tried the libraries, museums etc, but they soon get fed up of being treated as a creche. We did do things outdoors, such as tobogganing down big hills when it was muddy. Sounds odd, and it was dirty, but clothes can be washed and it was fun. We actively got involved in looking in the local newspapers for free events, so we got to try things we might not have been taken to. Mum sent us out with packed lunches etc. We didn't always go though, so we saw less of him, because sometimes we just didn't want to, or we didn't want to be cold etc. We always had the choice.

‘I stopped counting when I got to the 2nd “early dementia “post.

Can the armchair psychiatrists PLEASE stop saying this!!! Early onset dementia is an horrific disease and manifests itself in way more ways than someone being a bit grumpy and unreasonable. So please FUCKING STOP IT, unless you have either lived experience or psychiatric qualifications.’

This seems unnecessarily harsh. First, my comment was posted before the info about the other adults living there was posted by OP. Second, mood changes are a well-recognised feature of early dementia, eg see NHS website. Ie the early stages of the disease. I didn’t say early onset dementia which is not the same thing. (And I don’t know the FIL’s age so wouldn’t assume early onset.) Third, this was only raised as a possibility and I also posted suggestions re the situation . I would never ‘armchair diagnose’ . Fourthly, and perhaps less relevant really in this context because I don’t think it’s necessary to have these to point out a possibility, but yes, I do have almost daily ‘lived experience’ and clinical experience with dementia, very sadly.

OP, I hope you’re getting useful advice and all the best to you and your DC.

this is spot on, OP.

I'm not sure I would be happy to allow unsupported visits given the circumstances.

I would insist he visited at the family home or take matters up with the court.

You might be concerned about him, but it's the children that need to come first, the man sounds like a liability.

They have two other adult children living at home who are in the other bedrooms.

I think ex FIL is probably fed up of his grown up kids still living there tbh.

You sound lovely. Could either of you afford to book a Travelodge or YHA occasionally so they could all stay overnight somewhere? Use the TV & have more privacy? YHA would be cheaoer as you can prepare food there.

Also is MIL around to help entertain them - baking, out to shop etc.

I think he sounds worn down by it all & if he works 6 days a week for minimum wage, can't drive, can't afford a small flat then I'm not surprised he's not full of positivity.

Sunday is actually a hard day to entertain kids.

It's not ideal no, but it's not your FILs job to facilitate your childrens visitation. Long term you need a plan but in the meantime could he see the children at the marital home and you go out? You probably don't want that, but then neither does your FIL and they're your children.

@NaughtybutNice77 I have suggested this too. It seems like the obvious, easiest option that solves most of the issue. For some reason he can't or won't do it.

GPs pay for him to take them to eg football training or similar and DF gets to socialise with other dads. DCs get sport exercise, they are out of the house. Fills as morning.

Please don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm. You and your house is your children's security. If your ex was that bothered about his children he'd come to your house to see them. If you sell your house you 'll be dependant on the whims of landlords and the rental market. You are unlikely to get that security back. Do not jeopardize the security of children including one with a disability to prop up your ex.

Even if you did sell and give him money, he might still kill himself and where would you be then - in a rented flat.

He might not even keep paying the rent or get evicted for not keeping the terms of the lease and lose the bond. After all it was his behavior that meant the relationship went bad. It doesn't look like he or any of his siblings have managed living alone and that is not your responsibility. You would no longer have your house and he'd be back at his dad's.

There are people who are limp reeds. They suck the life out of other people because they can't take responsibility for themselves. Ithink your ex may be one of those.

I think the previous poster who suggested less but better time is the right way to go.