Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex FIL angry at DC's when they visit

137 replies

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:37

Split up about a year ago. I instigated the split and stayed in the family home. Ex refuses to come here.
He moved back in with his parents. Sleeps on their sofa. He says he has no way of being able to move out which is probably true as we live in an expensive city and he is a retail assistant.
Therefore one day of the week, I drop our children (7 and 8, one has additional needs) to his parents and pick them up at 6/7. His parents are older and had looked forward to having a bit of peace. I can feel that my ex FIL is annoyed at having to share his weekends/ home/ tv with small children again.
Recently he has been shouting at them and being short tempered in general at them. Sometimes there is a reason but mostly it's for relatively small things. The worst thing is he stays angry at them (not saying bye and being off with them/ sitting in a different room). The kids notice and say that they don't want to go there anymore.
I completely understand that it must be frustrating having to share your house with a grown up son and small children again but it's one day a week and it's not my children's fault. If he wants to, he could say to his son, my ex, that he needs to move out. He could kick him out and see if he would be able to get social housing (unlikely I know).
Until then I don't know how to protect my children. They're not angels but they deserve to feel safe and loved and valued. I don't want them to go somewhere where someone rolls their eyes and walks out of the room when they come in.
Has anyone found any magic solutions? I know in the summer it's easier for my ex to take them out all day but in winter it's cold and he doesn't have limitless money. On one day after school they stay in a cafe for four hours with him so they don't have to go back to his parents house. It's far from ideal.

OP posts:
allmyliesaretrue · 10/12/2023 21:09

He needs to take them out for a run in a park, swimming, for a smoothie, whatever they enjoy.

Alternatively could granddad make himself scarce for a few hours so that he doesn't have to tolerate them?

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 21:13

@allmyliesaretrue they do all that but it's still six hours in the house. It's just really hard and expensive to stay out with children all day in winter. Swimming is 45 minutes per session where we are, so that's £15 for an hour and a half, then a cafe for an hour? No libraries are open on Sunday. What else? There just isn't anything. Cinema is expensive. Park is ok but they're just out of the peak age for parks. Weather is grim. I'm not making excuses for him but staying out all day in winter with no car is expensive and not all fun.

OP posts:
dunroamingfornow · 10/12/2023 21:13

Is it worth checking to see if there are any contact centres near where you live? Some charities also have space or children's centres where they could hang out together for a bit ?

EvilElsa · 10/12/2023 21:14

If he absolutely won't come to you then he needs to find an activity to do. Doesn't need to be pricey. Library, play centre, sports, park on a dry day. There is stacks they could do really. I could certainly fill four hours outside the house.

HikingforScenery · 10/12/2023 21:16

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 21:13

@allmyliesaretrue they do all that but it's still six hours in the house. It's just really hard and expensive to stay out with children all day in winter. Swimming is 45 minutes per session where we are, so that's £15 for an hour and a half, then a cafe for an hour? No libraries are open on Sunday. What else? There just isn't anything. Cinema is expensive. Park is ok but they're just out of the peak age for parks. Weather is grim. I'm not making excuses for him but staying out all day in winter with no car is expensive and not all fun.

Museum? Art Gallery? Lots of these places are pretty child-friendly and free.

dontbuyadell · 10/12/2023 21:18

Yet another thread where the vast majority of the posters seem unable to read and comprehend the Original Post!

OP this isn't your problem to solve it's your Ex's. He need to step up and sort out activities for the kids outside of his parents home. Or help to improve the relationship with his father and his children.
I would simply tell him as it is. That he needs to find a solution before the next time he is due to have contact as the children no longer wish to go to their grandparents.

But I wouldn't be paying for activities on his behalf nor would I be selling my home to help fund a home for him.

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 21:18

@HikingforScenery every Sunday??

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 10/12/2023 21:19

Museums? Shopping centres sometimes have ping pong tables/activities. I'd have a look online for ideas and see whats about. You might be able to find a group or community centre locally. Does he have any friends with kids?

AliceMcK · 10/12/2023 21:19

Your ex needs to sort out his Dad issues for your children’s sake, if not he needs to find a way to manage the day and try and get himself sorted. It’s great that you want to help him for your DCs sake but it really should not be down to you.

There must be ways for him to move out of his parent’s place, bedsit, studio, flat share. Otherwise he needs to take them out for the day, surely he can afford 1 days activities each week. Most of the costs of a day out is food, so he can pack a lunch (or you could) take to parks, swimming, soft play, zoo, museums… I’m assuming if you live in a very expensive city it means there are plenty of things to do there.

SecondUsername4me · 10/12/2023 21:21

Your children's dad has the freedom to go and sort himself a better paid job - it's not like he has the children underfoot all week. The fact he isn't trying to better his own circumstances for his own children - this should be enough to show that you shouldn't do anything on top to help him do it.

I'd be telling ex that you won't stand by and watch the dc be emotionally abused by their grandfather, so unless the ex takes the dc elsewhere, or the ex stands up to his dad to make him behave better round his own children, then they wouldn't be going there.

He could take me to court.

allmyliesaretrue · 10/12/2023 21:23

He needs to find a solution though, and he doesn't sound like he's minded to do anything. Granted, a run in the park when it's pissing rain isn't fun, but just being cold isn't a reason really - wrap them up warm and tight.

If you're in a big city there must be free things to do.

The most obvious solution is that he comes to yours, and if he won't do that, he is going to have to come up with answers.

OftIwandered · 10/12/2023 21:23

Any other family members or friends he could visit with the kids? Even for half the day, once a month. Obviously this shouldn't be your problem to solve but you don't want your children to be miserable so anything free or cheap to occupy a few hours will help

EvilElsa · 10/12/2023 21:24

If there really is nothing he will do activities wise and he won't/can't pay to do things or go to your house or try and get a new house sorted then what can you do? Nothing other than leave it to him to sort it out with his dad. If the kids get upset and don't want to go then it's the repercussions of his inaction. All you can do it offer solutions, if he won't take them then that's his problem.

HikingforScenery · 10/12/2023 21:24

Could he not go to different ones? I’m probably just looking at it from where I live. We can probably get to 10 or so such places within a bus ride.

Also, if he’s not spending every sunday there, their grandpa might be more tolerant too. It’s horrible that their grandpa can’t tolerate his grandchildren for one day a week though.

Absolutely do not sell your home though!

SeulementUneFois · 10/12/2023 21:27

There seem to be impediments to every possible solution suggested...
The remaining option, even if not ideal, would be to teach the children to be better behaved...
Easier said than done though.

Original poster
HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 21:29

You're all making very well meaning suggestions and I sound very negative but my ex is very vulnerable at present. He is a recovering addict with a lot of trauma and although I had to stop him living in the house for our wellbeing, I don't want him to have to fight for contact or feel even shitter about his situation than he does. He has alienated everyone in his life through his addiction and doesn't have much confidence in leaving the house aoart from to do stuff he knows. He feels like it's too tempting at this stage in his recovery. I want to do all I can to help and for him to stay clean but I can't let our children be shouted at.

OP posts:
Reugny · 10/12/2023 21:29

dontbuyadell · 10/12/2023 21:18

Yet another thread where the vast majority of the posters seem unable to read and comprehend the Original Post!

OP this isn't your problem to solve it's your Ex's. He need to step up and sort out activities for the kids outside of his parents home. Or help to improve the relationship with his father and his children.
I would simply tell him as it is. That he needs to find a solution before the next time he is due to have contact as the children no longer wish to go to their grandparents.

But I wouldn't be paying for activities on his behalf nor would I be selling my home to help fund a home for him.

This.

If your ex can't solve his housing issues then he needs to have his children less hours on a Sunday until he can.

ttcat37 · 10/12/2023 21:30

Everyone seems to be looking at alternatives but can you go to FIL and ask him to be a bit fucking nicer? For the sake of his child and grandchildren? You say your ex is a walking male suicide statistic, tell ex FIL this. Tell him that his behaviour alone is affecting the happiness of ex and your children and he’s being very fucking unreasonable considering it’s one day per week.

Curlewwoohoo · 10/12/2023 21:30

Sounds like it's up to your ex to resolve. Does he accept there's an issue?

SecondUsername4me · 10/12/2023 21:30

SeulementUneFois · 10/12/2023 21:27

There seem to be impediments to every possible solution suggested...
The remaining option, even if not ideal, would be to teach the children to be better behaved...
Easier said than done though.

Well, quite. Their dad could manage their behaviour when the children are with him.

It's not up to the OP to manage their behaviour when they are with their other parent.

Popfan · 10/12/2023 21:32

Do not sell your house and give money to him! Under no circumstances do that... it's your home and security and your children's too.

He'll just have to have them for less time, a couple of hours rather than a whole day. Could he also see them after school too sometimes, go to a cafe for tea or something?

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/12/2023 21:33

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:42

@DPotter it's my house, unfortunately, and we weren't married. I don't have much money so can't lend him some for a deposit. We tried to sell the house but it wouldn't sell so we made the decision to wait until after the kids finish primary.

Why would you sell it?

ChilliCheeser · 10/12/2023 21:34

As per discussions on other threads

This time belongs to your ex, with his children

You therefore cannot micro manage your ex, your parents in law, during this time

Would you want someone to manage the time that you have with your children ?

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 10/12/2023 21:35

OP I understand your desire to support your ex but you are enabling him. He needs to manage this situation by talking to his father, parenting his children and playing games with them to entertain them. If you live in a city there will be plenty of free stuff to do but he needs to want to do this.

Do not sell your house to provide your ex with a deposit. If he is a recovering addict that won't go well. Again, it's not your responsibility. I know it's hard but all your compassion is enabling him to continue not improving his situation.

Squirrelsonthescaffolding · 10/12/2023 21:36

Your FIL might have early dementia, it can make people unreasonable. And/or a lot of older people do find noise harder to deal with. It’s often a part of the aging of hearing, so it’s really sad he can’t enjoy the opportunity to see them but might not be 100% his fault.
I know it’s not really your responsibility but do they have things to do there. Is there anywhere they could keep a box of things to entertain them that are quieter toys/ activities. (Eg could they enjoy finding things at charity shops, often open on Sundays).
Sunday schools are free and on Sundays if your ex would be ok with that. Some of them will see providing support to parents as the point of it, rather than trying to convert them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread