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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex FIL angry at DC's when they visit

137 replies

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 20:37

Split up about a year ago. I instigated the split and stayed in the family home. Ex refuses to come here.
He moved back in with his parents. Sleeps on their sofa. He says he has no way of being able to move out which is probably true as we live in an expensive city and he is a retail assistant.
Therefore one day of the week, I drop our children (7 and 8, one has additional needs) to his parents and pick them up at 6/7. His parents are older and had looked forward to having a bit of peace. I can feel that my ex FIL is annoyed at having to share his weekends/ home/ tv with small children again.
Recently he has been shouting at them and being short tempered in general at them. Sometimes there is a reason but mostly it's for relatively small things. The worst thing is he stays angry at them (not saying bye and being off with them/ sitting in a different room). The kids notice and say that they don't want to go there anymore.
I completely understand that it must be frustrating having to share your house with a grown up son and small children again but it's one day a week and it's not my children's fault. If he wants to, he could say to his son, my ex, that he needs to move out. He could kick him out and see if he would be able to get social housing (unlikely I know).
Until then I don't know how to protect my children. They're not angels but they deserve to feel safe and loved and valued. I don't want them to go somewhere where someone rolls their eyes and walks out of the room when they come in.
Has anyone found any magic solutions? I know in the summer it's easier for my ex to take them out all day but in winter it's cold and he doesn't have limitless money. On one day after school they stay in a cafe for four hours with him so they don't have to go back to his parents house. It's far from ideal.

OP posts:

AnneValentine · 10/12/2023 21:39

What about a contact centre?

Theunamedcat · 10/12/2023 21:39

This is not your issue to solve its his and ex fil

If he is actually suicidal I wouldn't want my kids around him anyway

Sounds like a risky situation for your children recently addict dad stroppy grandad wet lettuce mom who is advocating for the children here

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 21:40

To me this is quite simple. First a couple of questions...
How long were you together?
Where did he live before he was with you?

Here are the options:
-The kids continue to see him at grandparents house
-He sees them at your house. You could make yourself scarce and have some 'me' time.

There really aren't any other options are there? What would you want a MNetter to say? Can you think of any other possibilities?

You have two choices (right??):
-You allow your ex-FIL to be annoyed with DCs. What's the worst that could happen?
-You tell ex-DP that he has to see them at yours. I doubt he could do much about it. What's the worst that could happen?

Do not sell your house or help him out financially. He isn't a child and it's up to him to sort himself out. If he wants to be a father then he needs to start acting like an ADULT; as such, he should man-up and spend time in the family home when you are not there.

romdowa · 10/12/2023 21:44

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 21:29

You're all making very well meaning suggestions and I sound very negative but my ex is very vulnerable at present. He is a recovering addict with a lot of trauma and although I had to stop him living in the house for our wellbeing, I don't want him to have to fight for contact or feel even shitter about his situation than he does. He has alienated everyone in his life through his addiction and doesn't have much confidence in leaving the house aoart from to do stuff he knows. He feels like it's too tempting at this stage in his recovery. I want to do all I can to help and for him to stay clean but I can't let our children be shouted at.

Tbh this just sounds like excuses. He needs to go away and get himself help so he can be a parent. Being a parent includes not letting his father emotionally abuse his children. Shielding him from the realities of life , parenting and the consequences of his actions is just enabling.

Only he can help himself and only he can keep himself clean. You cannot do it, so you need to stop walking on eggshells around him

SecondUsername4me · 10/12/2023 21:44

The contact centre suggestion is actually very good.

GreatGateauxsby · 10/12/2023 21:45

dontbuyadell · 10/12/2023 21:18

Yet another thread where the vast majority of the posters seem unable to read and comprehend the Original Post!

OP this isn't your problem to solve it's your Ex's. He need to step up and sort out activities for the kids outside of his parents home. Or help to improve the relationship with his father and his children.
I would simply tell him as it is. That he needs to find a solution before the next time he is due to have contact as the children no longer wish to go to their grandparents.

But I wouldn't be paying for activities on his behalf nor would I be selling my home to help fund a home for him.

Exactly what the hell am I reading??

why would she sell HER home which she paid for IN FULL and give her Ex half her and her children’s home…

the guy sees them ONE day a week and can’t even do that adequately….

Highlight his kids are being emotionally abused by his parents and he needs to be an adult for a change and sort it out.

I feel super sorry for your kids their dad sounds like a total loser…

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 21:49

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 21:29

Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is that if you insist on supporting or protecting your exDP - as well as your children - you will have to allow them to be seen in their grandparent's house.

The other option is to put your children first. You can't save everyone and there isn't a magic solution. If you want better suggestions, you'll need to explain why on earth he can't come to your home. It makes no logical sense when that is the obvious solution.

bloodyeffinnora · 10/12/2023 21:49

do his parents only have a one bedroomed house, just seems odd otherwise he has to sleep on the couch.
This is probably getting on his Dad's nerves too, but it's not the kids fault.
The contact centre idea sounds good

Sid077 · 10/12/2023 21:49

This is your ex’ problem, explain your and the children’s concerns and let him deal with it.

There are many things he can do to help his situation like have a word with his Dad about being a decent Grandad, limiting their interaction with each other if GF continues to behave like a child, its not your problem to deal with, let him get on with it as difficult as that is.

HiCandles · 10/12/2023 21:50

What about church? They could easily be there from 10-12.30 then out for lunch. Sunday school groups are generally fun activities nowadays, not just sitting being talked at, especially if ex finds the right kind of church.

WhichIsItWendy · 10/12/2023 21:51

"I'm sorry ex, unless your dad can start treating the children kindly and with a little respect, they just don't want to visit. Would you like to think of an alternative setting?"

mrsmoppp · 10/12/2023 21:55

Why is your ex sleeping on the sofa? Is he not able to have a bedroom at his parents house? That will be putting strain on the house if he's on the sofa

GaryLurcher19 · 10/12/2023 21:59

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 10/12/2023 21:35

OP I understand your desire to support your ex but you are enabling him. He needs to manage this situation by talking to his father, parenting his children and playing games with them to entertain them. If you live in a city there will be plenty of free stuff to do but he needs to want to do this.

Do not sell your house to provide your ex with a deposit. If he is a recovering addict that won't go well. Again, it's not your responsibility. I know it's hard but all your compassion is enabling him to continue not improving his situation.

Seconding what this PP says. These are his problems to resolve and it will do him good to tackle them himself. Might be just what he needs.

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 22:01

Yes to these other points!
But also, why on earth IS he sleeping on the sofa? Do they live in a flat?
Where did he live before he was with you? Why can he not go back to that???

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/12/2023 22:04

it is my ex's unreasonable behaviour which ended the relationship

In which case you would be crazy to sell your house to give him money

Original poster

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 22:10

They have two other adult children living at home who are in the other bedrooms.
I disagree with some of the comments. Would you call a mother who had got clean and was trying her best for her children a 'loser'? Addiction can happen to anyone, it's not a lifestyle choice. It's usually a result of trauma, issues with attachment, undiagnosed neurodivergence or circumstances. No one wants to become an addict.

OP posts:

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 22:11

I disagree with disparaging comments, but you can still consider the ones that aren't.

Ladybughello · 10/12/2023 22:14

Hi OP, I don’t have any solutions for you but I just wanted to say that I respect you for giving a shit (seemingly unlike most responders on here). ❤️

Catsmere · 10/12/2023 22:18

Popfan · 10/12/2023 21:32

Do not sell your house and give money to him! Under no circumstances do that... it's your home and security and your children's too.

He'll just have to have them for less time, a couple of hours rather than a whole day. Could he also see them after school too sometimes, go to a cafe for tea or something?

Not to mention that with DP being a "recovering" addict who doesn't want to go out as it's too tempting, it's not hard to guess where any money he got from OP would go.

Pallisers · 10/12/2023 22:21

Op, please prioritise keeping your house for your children. I think that stability and security will be very important to them.

I appreciate how thoughtful and kind and understanding you are about the father of your children. I don't think you can change your FIL - tbh I imagine life isn't great for him either with 3 adult children living with him, one on the sofa with addiction issues.

Could you limit the time they spend with your ex? I know you need the time off, but honestly I don't think it is a runner at the moment. Maybe have him pick them up at 10 on a sunday, walk them to the park or free museum or shopping center, get a mcdonalds and go back to his parent's place for an hour to play a game- all over at 2 pm, ex then walks them back to you. I'm not sure there really is another solution tbh.

Original poster

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 22:22

I think I'm just going to suggest less time there in winter and more time out the home. I will ask him to speak to his dad.

OP posts:

EvilElsa · 10/12/2023 22:22

As a recovering addict does he have any support workers who could help with this situation OP? Give him guidance around housing and/or contact centres? It's great that you offer him so much support with his recovery, but I'd really advise you think strongly on selling your home.

Catsmere · 10/12/2023 22:23

All three adult children living there, one on the couch, and grandkids over being child-noisy - no wonder grandfather's at the end of his tether, so would I be!

NigelHarmansNewWife · 10/12/2023 22:25

YouBelongWithMe · 10/12/2023 20:44

Would you be comfortable with him spending time with them at your house? I know it's not ideal but neither is the current situation.

It's in the OP that the ex won't go to her house

Original poster

HairdryerMary · 10/12/2023 22:26

@EvilElsa he doesn't, no, but I'm strongly suggesting he gets involved with a group. He needs more support than he is currently getting. He tackled cravings by working more hours but that can't continue.

OP posts:

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