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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to explode with resentment at my DH?

102 replies

Notsosleepingbeauty · 10/12/2023 13:22

DH works 37.5 a week in a director role. I work 32 hours a week that’s term time only. We’ve got 3 kids (15, 14 and 11). Our 14 and 11 year old both have autism and adhd, both attend a specialist school. Youngest has no speech and is very physically aggressive with a lot of challenging behaviours. I’m starting to really resent the amount of stuff I’m having to do. I do all the childcare, I take care of the personal care for the kids with send, I do the appointments, medications, I’m attending a speech course for my youngest, I do the cleaning, ironing, bulk of cooking and washing up and walking our dogs.
Husband takes our eldest son football training once a week and to the game (he’s the coach), he takes our middle child to their hobby on a Sunday afternoon. But this week alone he’s been out 4 nights and has gone to the gym now having only cleaned half the bathroom I’d asked him to do.

I’m exhausted. I’m really struggling to balance work and I can’t drop hours there. I’ve got pains in my hands and feet and several mouth ulcers. I’m also far less patient with our youngest as I’m shattered. I’m not sleeping, I feel throughly miserable. I only rejoined the workforce in the last 5 years as the kids couldn’t attend nursery for large chunks of time. We’ve had this conversation so many times over the years, he’s happy for me to go off and do things but I have zero mental energy. Unless I’m walking the dog, I don’t leave the house. I’m starting to feel resentful as I feel like I’m a carer and he gets to be a parent. He’s not fussed if I work or not because it doesn’t really impact upon him as he doesn’t need to make any adjustments. I’m so tired having to ask him to do things and micromanage when I have to just get on and do. He doesn’t cope brilliantly with stress and says he has his hobbies for his mental health which is fine, but I resent that he doesn’t get more involved.

Part of me thinks fuck it, let him carry the financial burden (we’re fine for money) and just deal with all the caring responsibilities without the worry of balancing it with a busy job because in reality, long term I’ll end up carrying for one if not both my children. Youngest won’t be able to live in supported living as they have extremely high needs.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2023 13:24

I'm not remotely surprised you're knackered op. But why don't you buy in a shit tonne of help? Sounds like you can afford it.

Letsgetouttahere2023 · 10/12/2023 13:26

Wow that all sounds so hard.

Original poster
Notsosleepingbeauty · 10/12/2023 13:37

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2023 13:24

I'm not remotely surprised you're knackered op. But why don't you buy in a shit tonne of help? Sounds like you can afford it.

I have suggested to my DH but he’s not keen. We’re not wealthy but we do okay and definitely better than most. He isn’t keen to have people in, he’s really funny about money as he grew up with very little and his mother was a cleaner. So it’s either leave with a dirty house or do it myself. I’m meant to work four days a week but have to make up the hours on my day off due to the time my kids get in and it’s impossible to work with my youngest around as they need 1:1 supervision.

Some of it is desperately missing the time to just sit back with no demands on me. I’m currently working on a big project at work and then the kids are back.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2023 13:41

Tough shit if he's not keen. You have NO CHOICE unless he wants his wife to be totally burnt out. He's looking after his mental health - correct. You need to look after yours. Choose what would help you the most - a cleaner, a cook, a girl-Friday. Book it. Tough shit for him. Up the amount you walk the dog.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/12/2023 13:42

Write down how many hours you do caring plus work and how many hours he does. List how many activities he does outside the house by himself whilst you care for the DC.
Sit him down with it all in black and white and ask him how he can possibly justify the blatant unfairness. Then sit back silently and listen to his attempt to explain.

When he’s finished blustering ask him what his solutions are that don’t involve you running yourself into the ground whilst he carries on as he is.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2023 13:43

Also. Getting help in will be a lot cheaper than divorce for him. It sounds like he would be a hands on NRP which would mean you get a break at least EOW. Probably sounds blissful for you compared to your life now.

Original poster
Notsosleepingbeauty · 10/12/2023 14:00

I’ve thought about noting it all down but wasn’t sure if I was being petty. I don’t mind him having hobbies, he assumes I resent him doing anything which I don’t but I’m sick of carrying the weight of raising children with Sen. The 10 hour speech course I’m doing, I know he wouldn’t do it but could find the time to go to the gym and that’s where I’m becoming resentful. I appreciate he has to have things for himself but he doesn’t do any caring. His life looks like most other parents. Mine doesn’t. And it feels really lonely on send Island on my own.

OP posts:
Patchworksack · 10/12/2023 14:01

What do YOU want? If you could afford for you to be a SAHP you can presumably also afford to keep working but buy in some paid for help - cleaner and meal service for starters. What can’t continue is that you work 80% of full time and do an extremely demanding parent/housekeeper role on your own.

Pinkdelight3 · 10/12/2023 14:02

With three kids including two with SEN severe enough for specialist schools, plus a dog, and both working that much, you 1000% need to buy in help. Madness not to. Course you're knackered!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/12/2023 14:06

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2023 13:41

Tough shit if he's not keen. You have NO CHOICE unless he wants his wife to be totally burnt out. He's looking after his mental health - correct. You need to look after yours. Choose what would help you the most - a cleaner, a cook, a girl-Friday. Book it. Tough shit for him. Up the amount you walk the dog.

@arethereanyleftatall is absolutely right, @Notsosleepingbeauty. Your dh can’t have it all ways - either he steps up and takes a lot of the work off your shoulders (and, incidentally, learns to see what needs doing and just do it, without having to be asked - just guessing he isn’t great at this), OR you get to hire in the help you need.

Ask him bluntly which option he prefers:

1 - he takes on a lot more round the house.
2 - you hire in help.
3 - you have a complete breakdown due to physical and mental exhaustion.

Emphasise that, if he doesn’t make a decision between 1 and 2 now, and put it into immediate action, the wife he loves will collapse.

flapjackfairy · 10/12/2023 14:07

Well as the parent of 2 children with complex needs I would say your children are already more than a full time job so I would let him crack on at work and take the stress off yourself if you can survive financially.
One thing I have learnt is that it is vital to take care of your own wellbeing because caring takes its toll long term. so I think you need to prioritise having time for yourself to recharge when the kids are at school. x

Nicole1111 · 10/12/2023 14:23

Definitely create a visual chart which shows how much time each of you spend socialising, at hobbies, resting, doing housework, working and doing childcare. This will show him how wildly imbalanced things are. I’d then book a long weekend for yourself to go away and recharge. After both of those things I’m sure he’ll better understand how you feel and when you return you can ask him how he intends to achieve more equality.

UnbeatenMum · 10/12/2023 14:26

I also have 2 children with SEN, the older one is in mainstream with support but the youngest isn't at school yet and only does about 10 hours at preschool a week so I can't work at the moment. We recently got fortnightly cleaners which has really helped. We also have a specific time in the week which is Daddy time so that I get a break - I often use this for child-related admin but it's still better than nothing.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to quit your job but I think you might miss it (I do). Can you cut your hours at all even by half a day so that you can take your day off? Then I would get a cleaner as a minimum. It would be great if DH would do more too, I wonder if he might agree to take your 11yo to a specific activity every week if there's anything suitable as he does this for the other two.

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 14:31

I think it’s time to give him some choices. One option I wouldn’t offer is you giving up work - you need some independence in a marriage in case things go south.

So you can’t tell him what to do. But you CAN declare that you’re not doing this anymore (and follow through). His choices are:
-He splits responsibilities evenly
-You bring in paid outside help
-?Any other option you can think of if there is one you’re happy with

If he won’t tell you his preference, then go ahead anyway.

Edit: I’d include a stipulation for equality in general too. If he gets to go to the gym 3 times a week, then so do you - he needs to be home to allow you to do so. Tbh if he refuses that one, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

rb472 · 10/12/2023 14:33

I can recommend engaging with therapy or counselling in order to work through boundaries and boundary setting, communicating your needs effectively and really valuing yourself and promoting your self worth. This regular appointment will start giving you breathing space from the situation, and the next step could be having another morning or evening which is you time, you don't even have to do anything, walk around the shops, sit in a coffee shop, just give yourself some space - you deserve it. You might need to do something mundane just to give your brain a rest, so you can figure out what hobbies might suit.

It doesn't surprise me that DH doesn't want the situation to change, it sounds pretty sweet for him! With time and professional help with communicating your needs, you will need to tell him that the changes are non negotiable, you cannot go on living the way you have. Best of luck

P.s. I am not a professional, just based on my personal experience of working on my communication skills and boundary setting. I still have to ask my partner to do things 5 times, but it's getting much better!

Hankunamatata · 10/12/2023 14:35

Iv 3 nd dc similar ages. I work about 20 hours term time, school hours. My mental health wasn't coping with anymore as felt pulled in too many directions, meetings everyone's needs but my own

Pigeonqueen · 10/12/2023 14:37

I’m amazed you’re maintaining a job at all with all that going on. 😳😳😳

Nanny0gg · 10/12/2023 14:38

Notsosleepingbeauty · 10/12/2023 13:37

I have suggested to my DH but he’s not keen. We’re not wealthy but we do okay and definitely better than most. He isn’t keen to have people in, he’s really funny about money as he grew up with very little and his mother was a cleaner. So it’s either leave with a dirty house or do it myself. I’m meant to work four days a week but have to make up the hours on my day off due to the time my kids get in and it’s impossible to work with my youngest around as they need 1:1 supervision.

Some of it is desperately missing the time to just sit back with no demands on me. I’m currently working on a big project at work and then the kids are back.

Show quote history

He's not doing absolutely everything so he doesn't get a bloody say!

Get yourself a cleaner asap. And if she irons too, all the better

Are you entitled to any help with the DC? Do you get any benefits for them?

DelphiniumBlue · 10/12/2023 14:43

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 14:31

I think it’s time to give him some choices. One option I wouldn’t offer is you giving up work - you need some independence in a marriage in case things go south.

So you can’t tell him what to do. But you CAN declare that you’re not doing this anymore (and follow through). His choices are:
-He splits responsibilities evenly
-You bring in paid outside help
-?Any other option you can think of if there is one you’re happy with

If he won’t tell you his preference, then go ahead anyway.

Edit: I’d include a stipulation for equality in general too. If he gets to go to the gym 3 times a week, then so do you - he needs to be home to allow you to do so. Tbh if he refuses that one, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

Edited

I totally agree. Paid work outside the house should be the last thing you give up.
You are not going to get peace and quiet and downtime while you are at home given the needs of your children, so any R&R time for you will realistically need to be outside the house, whether that is going for a run/sitting in a cafe/meeting friends. So book that in, 4 times a week to match his, and tell him he will need to be at home then.
The more he is left to look after the DC himself, the more he will see that you need to buy in help. I think you need to buy in not only 1:1 help for your youngest, but a cleaner as well. If he objects give him a list of everything a cleaner would do in say, 3 hours, and ask him to do it himself. Then tell him you will be getting a cleaner.
It is comfortable for him at the moment because you are picking up all the slack. You have to be forthright about not being willing or able to continue that, and stick to it. If you keep on doing it anyway, he will think you don't really mean it. Some things are non-negotiable, and in your situation I'd say that buying in help is one of those things.

Mariposista · 10/12/2023 14:49

No way should you give up your job. And deal with this shit 24/7 while he gets to better himself? Stay in work, outsource the care.

so sorry OP. You have been dealt a shit hand in parenting (and marriage)

Morred · 10/12/2023 14:53

Make a list of the things you could outsource. Tell him you can’t do 3 full-time jobs anymore, so you are choosing carer to your DCs and your paid job and giving up “housewife”. Up to him who does that job now - he can do it himself, he can pay other people to do it, he can negotiate with you that he’ll do some caring and you can do some of the house things, up to him. But you’re only doing 2 jobs max from now on.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/12/2023 14:53

He doesn't get to 'not be keen' to employ a cleaner when he's not the one having to do it.

It was good enough for his mother and would have made a huge difference to their lives when he was a kid compared to not having that income, so you get to not have to do it all, you all get a clean home and some other woman's kid gets to benefit from their Mum having a regular income.

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 14:57

With immediate effect I would stop cleaning. Do the bare minimum to function- kids laundry, wash dishes. Start ordering in take away food. ANYTHING to make your life easier in the absence of a supportive partner.

wildwestpioneer · 10/12/2023 14:58

I have suggested to my DH but he’s not keen

Well tough fucking shit! It's not him having to do the chores is it. Tell him he's buying in a cleaner, I'd also look at restbite in the form of a nanny or someone to look after the dc for a few hours a week.

coxesorangepippin · 10/12/2023 14:58

He's letting you do all this

He sees you suffering

But he carries on allowing you to do all this

He will not make HIS life more uncomfortable or difficult, he's fine with you bearing the brunt.