To want to explode with resentment at my DH?

[Notsosleepingbeauty]

DH works 37.5 a week in a director role. I work 32 hours a week that’s term time only. We’ve got 3 kids (15, 14 and 11). Our 14 and 11 year old both have autism and adhd, both attend a specialist school. Youngest has no speech and is very physically aggressive with a lot of challenging behaviours. I’m starting to really resent the amount of stuff I’m having to do. I do all the childcare, I take care of the personal care for the kids with send, I do the appointments, medications, I’m attending a speech course for my youngest, I do the cleaning, ironing, bulk of cooking and washing up and walking our dogs.
Husband takes our eldest son football training once a week and to the game (he’s the coach), he takes our middle child to their hobby on a Sunday afternoon. But this week alone he’s been out 4 nights and has gone to the gym now having only cleaned half the bathroom I’d asked him to do.

I’m exhausted. I’m really struggling to balance work and I can’t drop hours there. I’ve got pains in my hands and feet and several mouth ulcers. I’m also far less patient with our youngest as I’m shattered. I’m not sleeping, I feel throughly miserable. I only rejoined the workforce in the last 5 years as the kids couldn’t attend nursery for large chunks of time. We’ve had this conversation so many times over the years, he’s happy for me to go off and do things but I have zero mental energy. Unless I’m walking the dog, I don’t leave the house. I’m starting to feel resentful as I feel like I’m a carer and he gets to be a parent. He’s not fussed if I work or not because it doesn’t really impact upon him as he doesn’t need to make any adjustments. I’m so tired having to ask him to do things and micromanage when I have to just get on and do. He doesn’t cope brilliantly with stress and says he has his hobbies for his mental health which is fine, but I resent that he doesn’t get more involved.

Part of me thinks fuck it, let him carry the financial burden (we’re fine for money) and just deal with all the caring responsibilities without the worry of balancing it with a busy job because in reality, long term I’ll end up carrying for one if not both my children. Youngest won’t be able to live in supported living as they have extremely high needs.

Write up a side by side list with both of your names at the top and a list of jobs and admin you’ve both done that day/week and show him so he can see with his eyes just how much you’re doing and how little he’s doing.

You are not coping with the load and something needs to change. Your three options are:

1. You lower your working hours
2. DH helps more
3. You out source with a cleaner etc

Tell him to take his pick but something has to be done.

Update I’m sad to say not much has changed except my DH complaining I’m not affectionate enough. We circled back to the same conversations we keep having about him pitching in more but in reality it just doesn’t really take off. He’s out again tonight and is averaging doing something for himself most evenings. I’m still working 4 days a week. Though I do feel incredibly taken for granted that I work and run the house. I do need to sort out a rota or chore list of some kind as I’m still doing all the childcare and majority of household chores. He’s not a bad guy I just don’t think he has a clue and as it doesn’t directly affect him, he doesn’t get it. He’s never had to do the drudge.

I am however taking my first week long break in April which I do really feel I need as I feel close to burning out. The job I’m in is for a lovely company but I’m getting very worn out from the responsibility and demands but I think there’s a good chance I’ll end up back caring at some point. But I do think I’ll try to start going away a bit more when weekends are free.

We’ve been granted direct payments but we’re struggling to find a carer for our youngest child. As they’ve gotten older they’d probably fall into the category of being profoundly autistic and we’ve not had much luck finding anyone to even come into the house, the respite centre is full.

I would be putting my foot down at this point - “I am at breaking point, DH. Either you step up and take on 50% of the child support and housework, or we hire a cleaner & pay for some respite care.”

This!

YOU decide what help you're paying for to help with the tasks that YOU ALONE are covering (eg cleaning, whatever else you need) because otherwise he can have them 50 per cent of the week so you get a proper break.

Frankly, if he isn’t pulling his weight with the caring responsibilities in the family, @Notsosleepingbeauty, he doesn’t get to veto you getting the help you need.

And if he doesn’t accept that and either step up or get out of the way of you getting help, you will inevitably have a complete collapse, and he will have to pull his finger out and do ALL of the caring!

Stop ironing
Most things do not need ironing and if he wants shirts ironing he does them or pays someone
Install a dishwasher
Hire cleaner

The most severe needs can move to supported living maybe the care plan specifies two to one care 24 7 but it can be done

And get onto ss children with disabilities for the one to one care through direct payments
The child needs it you need it

He sounds like a complete waste of space. 37.5 hours isn't exactly a long working week for a "director".

This.

Have you pointed out to him that it's incredibly difficult to want to be affectionate to someone who is so mindlessly selfish? And how demoralising it is to know that he doesn't care that you're on your knees with exhaustion, because all he's interested in is whinging about not getting a cuddle?

Buy in the help. Tell him it's non negotiable.

If you do give up work, make sure he pays into your pension.

He’s not a bad guy I just don’t think he has a clue and as it doesn’t directly affect him, he doesn’t get it. He’s never had to do the drudge.

Why doesn’t he have a clue? You’ve articulated here exactly what the problem is and the difficulties you’re having. Does he have a comprehension problem? He does know that you’re run ragged, he knows that you’ve asked him for meaningful help, he knows you’re exhausted and he isn’t making any changes to help you. A good guy wouldn’t see their wife worked into the ground while he does his own thing.

My ex wasn’t a “bad guy”, in many ways he’s great but I was absolutely worn out caring for two kids with complex needs, working and keeping on top of the house. Any help he gave invariably resulted in more work for me. In the end we separated and while it’s still hard going, it’s easier because I know it’s just me, I’m not getting increasingly resentful and picking up his shit too. He also has the kids 50% of the time so I do actually get a break - if he’d done his share when we were together we’d likely still be together but such is life.

I think you need to reframe his behaviour and recognise how selfish he’s being - he does get it, and doesn’t care enough to make needed changes.

I would make that list to show him the discrepancy of the demands on time for each of you. It's all very well him saying he needs to have time to do hobbies and stuff for his mental health, but when do you get that luxury?

Once you have the list, give him an ultimatum, either you buy in help to ease your load, or you give up work. Otherwise you will undoubtedly burn out or have a breakdown and then he'll really find out what a struggle is.

He’s being utterly selfish. He is a bad guy - he’s being wilfully blind.

Actions speak louder than words. You’re at burnout. Get signed off as you genuinely need it and then go away for two weeks. Stay w a parent or a friend or a hotel. Let him deal with EVERYTHING for those two weeks. Do not message instructions or try to help. He can experience life in your shoes. Better a short term impact on the kids than a long term impact if you have no capacity.

I'd move out. Alone. Mainly for the shock factor tbh. He seems fairly confident in taking the time he needs for his mental health - yet has zero consideration for yours.

"I've got myself a bedsit, I'll come take the dcs out every sunday"

Thatll put paid to his spare time. Men do it.

You sound like you’re unwell, it’s affecting you mentally and physically. I would go to the doctor and get signed off. During that time you can evaluate if you are happier not working and the long term effect on your health- maybe you need work, or can you do fewer days but something has got to give.

Sorry to hear things are not any better.
You say you have a week off? Can you get away on your own?

If you stop work surely you will get carers allowance (if you get mid to high rate dla) and possibly universal credit. It's worth looking into

Book yourself into a hotel for 2 nights and leave him to do it all.
Or leave him

Your judgement sounds clouded by sheer exhaustion. April is too long away for some time off work for one thing - you need it now.

I wouldn't bother repeating the same convos with dh nor would I dream of giving up my job to even more enable him to do what he likes. Your job is your lifeline from planet Sen and you don't need to isolate yourself further.

Work out what outside help will make the biggest difference to you and start procuring it. Cleaner for at least a few hours a week. A load of COOK meals delivered. Source someone for odd jobs. Laundry service (they pick up and deliver). Anything to take the physical and mental burden off.

Does your DH have no self-awareness? Surely even he can join the dots and realise that you carrying the load of all the childcare and household tasks while he goes out nearly every evening will kill any affection you might have had for him stone dead?

I think that he is a bad guy if he can watch you struggle to the point of exhaustion and burn out. He definitely needs to put his hand in his pocket and pay for some help in the house.

Please don't give up your job. If you end up separating, you will need the security of your own income and you have done really well in your job while juggling everything else.

You said you don't need to work, as long as you have join finances can you not just set up a cleaner etc to come in and start putting things in place to help you. I was really sad to read your update you are at huge risk of cater burnout. You and your dh need to stay well to be able to look after your dc.

I think your GP could give you a sick note and it certainly sounds as if you need peace. I hope you can stand your ground about getting help in the house. It's so obviously essential. Never mind what he needs, this is about your needs.

I do feel close to burnout. I think it’s not just my DH’s expectation but the emotional toll it has taken raising the children. I love them more than anything but my world is now very small due to their needs. And it’s scary to think this is likely to go on for as long as I’m alive it feels bleak.

There’s lots of good points to my DH but I do find it very upsetting that when I ask for more support, nothing really seems to change. I’ve said to him I often feel like his PA or a member of his staff and that when he’s said he wants more affection, I’ve tried to be more mindful of this but it doesn’t feel like he has taken my emotional needs into account. Nor does he understand it I suppose. When you’ve spent the morning before school and the afternoon looking after a profoundly disabled child who controls where and how you sit, climbs all over you, picks at your finger nails, screams at you all alongside trying to finish work, get dinner sorted, I’m not much good for anything else.

I do think maybe I should be more selfish. When our eldest child isn’t playing his sport (which my DH happens to coach) then take a weekend away. Because I genuinely don’t feel like I have much left and nothing to look forward to after a trip away in April.

I really appreciate hearing everyone’s views. Sometimes I feel like I’m being unreasonable or maybe my expectations are too much but I wonder now if maybe my DH’s expectations of me are too much. I just usually get on and do and when I’m struggling I tend to withdraw and go into myself. I’m not good at speaking up for myself.

The loss of hope combined with day to day struggle is a killer. The struggle of school with an SEN child can seem overwhelming but then one day you realise that you will lose the respite when they are in school and that the struggle didn't work - they don't have the ability to build an independent life - and you see your future as full time carer.

Even if you managed to work during their childhood this can end abruptly if they are no longer able to attend even a specialist school or reach leaving age with no plans for the future that they can or will engage in.

The best respite is work. Because it's not a favour and people will be nice to you. Even if you don't need the money it is a break where you don't need to put other's first. The worst day at work is nothing in comparison to the worst day at home with no respite.

But you need your DH to step up at home so you can continue to work. If he is opposed to getting outside support he needs to do the work and recognise that this comes before his hobbies. You deserve as much down time as him. He already has work and hobbies and you have nothing.

I have an adult anxious autistic son who is not able to tolerate outside support. He can't even answer tolerate workmen and locks himself in his room. You need a plan to cope if this turns out to be the case that does not mean that your DH carries on as normal whilst you become full time carer.

Do you think he's met someone else? So his priorities are with someone else