To want to explode with resentment at my DH?

[Notsosleepingbeauty]

DH works 37.5 a week in a director role. I work 32 hours a week that’s term time only. We’ve got 3 kids (15, 14 and 11). Our 14 and 11 year old both have autism and adhd, both attend a specialist school. Youngest has no speech and is very physically aggressive with a lot of challenging behaviours. I’m starting to really resent the amount of stuff I’m having to do. I do all the childcare, I take care of the personal care for the kids with send, I do the appointments, medications, I’m attending a speech course for my youngest, I do the cleaning, ironing, bulk of cooking and washing up and walking our dogs.
Husband takes our eldest son football training once a week and to the game (he’s the coach), he takes our middle child to their hobby on a Sunday afternoon. But this week alone he’s been out 4 nights and has gone to the gym now having only cleaned half the bathroom I’d asked him to do.

I’m exhausted. I’m really struggling to balance work and I can’t drop hours there. I’ve got pains in my hands and feet and several mouth ulcers. I’m also far less patient with our youngest as I’m shattered. I’m not sleeping, I feel throughly miserable. I only rejoined the workforce in the last 5 years as the kids couldn’t attend nursery for large chunks of time. We’ve had this conversation so many times over the years, he’s happy for me to go off and do things but I have zero mental energy. Unless I’m walking the dog, I don’t leave the house. I’m starting to feel resentful as I feel like I’m a carer and he gets to be a parent. He’s not fussed if I work or not because it doesn’t really impact upon him as he doesn’t need to make any adjustments. I’m so tired having to ask him to do things and micromanage when I have to just get on and do. He doesn’t cope brilliantly with stress and says he has his hobbies for his mental health which is fine, but I resent that he doesn’t get more involved.

Part of me thinks fuck it, let him carry the financial burden (we’re fine for money) and just deal with all the caring responsibilities without the worry of balancing it with a busy job because in reality, long term I’ll end up carrying for one if not both my children. Youngest won’t be able to live in supported living as they have extremely high needs.

Get a cleaner. Absolutely no question on that one.

Don't give up work, it makes you even more vulnerable.

Start handing over specific responsibilities to him to make it fairer.

To be blunt that’s very challenging work and I think this would very much be a hill I would be willing to die. I would be getting help or demand he steps up, he can pick what one he likes but one of them would be happening without question. That’s all too much for one person!

I’d give up paid work because you’re already working a full time job at home.

I’d also get a cleaner. It would not be a discussion at all. I would book it and husband have no say

I wouldn’t give up work. Retain as much indépendance as you can.

Not much of an update but I did have a chat with my DH. I’m not sure he really gets it to be honest though he’s contributed more to the domestic load. I just don’t think he appreciates the load that I’m carrying mainly because it doesn’t really impact his life in anyway. Last week he didn’t go out quite as many evenings but it’s still frustrating that he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t do well with stress and has a very senior role so he gets tetchy when he doesn’t get to go and do a hobby as he needs it to let off steam, I’ve often wondered if he has adhd that a mix of being quite selfish, he finds it easy to ensure his needs are met. As I explained to him, I don’t have a problem with him doing his hobbies, I just don’t expect to be left with the drudge. I suspect he’s never really gotten into the habit as I was a stay at home mum for a long time and he’s just never adjusted to my role changing.

There will be a point where I know I’ll have to give up work as my dc will need care. My middle dc is struggling a lot emotionally and they’ve only got a year or so left at their specialist school and we’ve not got any specialist colleges at all around locally so I suspect we’ll end up back in mainstream. Unfortunately I know with my kids, it’s likely I’ll go back to being a carer and that’s what the future holds. I’m just debating now whether to take a few years of leisure without work stress so I’ve built up some resilience as at the moment, I’m not as patient with my youngest who is severely autistic (no speech, challenging behaviours etc).

If you don’t want help in the home then would you employ personal assistants for your kids. Look into social work support, pa’s may be funded for an amount of hours anyway and you could top that up and have some time to yourself. I know a Sen kid that has a group of pa’s who take him out at weekends, during the week he’s a specialist school provision. I feel for you, it sounds tough. I don’t blame your dh for taking care of himself but do for blocking what may help you. You need to be clear what would help and get some support for you. Look into respite and see if there is anything you could access. Definitely contact social work.

Doesn’t he realise that if your physical/ mental health is in dire straits he will have to deal with the kids and the household chores.
Best believe he will be more ‘keen’ about having a cleaner then.
You need to pass some of the ‘jobs’ to your dh to do . If not, he needs to pay for a cleaner
Do not give up your job

4.Can I suggest you add to the list the number of hours he has each week and put an equivalent amount of time out of the house. Anywhere you can go to sleep? Travel Lodge if necessary.
5.Husband takes responsibility for most challenging child on the days he doesn’t get to fuck off for hours get to look after his mental health
6.Dont give up work unless you want to or reduce your hours
7.Ask him to reduce his hours so he can have two afternoons off to facilitate the above
8.Hire a carer for child so you are more energetic and able to care

Wishing you well

Please don't give up your paid work. You may not be able to survive his selfishness and you may need money to go out on your own.

Quit your job, be a SAHM and when kids are school take up hobbies in the day you enjoy. A walking group, book club, just stuff for you.
he wants to be the man of the house - let hi keep you financially. He is not good for much else by the sound of it.

Don't talk to him about a cleaner/housekeeper, just hire one and give him the bill.

You're not his skivvy!

This is a huge huge workload for you. Not fair at all. Agree with everyone that you need outside help, it’s literally not possible for you really to continue with such a poor quality of life. If you’re working AND doing the caring, you get to decide so I’d ignore his opinion on it tbh. You cannot care for everyone if you have a breakdown.

Also and this is hard to say but I fear if your children won’t be able to manage in supported living I think you need to introduce the idea of other people caring for them. You won’t live forever and they will need others by the sounds of what you said. Wishing you the best of luck. Yet another shitty husband who won’t do his fair share of parenting. There seem to be many!!! x

I watched my dad sit on his arse and drink my entire life @Notsosleepingbeauty —
Then, when they turned 60, Dad stopped drinking and decided to shape up.
My mum and I had an argument one day and my dad interrupted to tell me to respect my mum — I BLEW UP AT HIM and reminded him that he never respected her until I was 35.
My point is, your husband’s behaviour is affecting your kids, too - don’t think that they don’t notice.

Firstly try going gluten free, that resolved my mouth issues. Get blood tests for iron b12 thyroid d3, your pains, aches, exhaustion may be linked.

Book yourself a three nights away in a nice hotel. Focus on reading, bathing, resting, films, eating but not clearing up, minimal home contact. Have a few days just for you. Your well-being is important and you are hitting crisis. Your DH needs to take over and feel the weight of responsibility. He needs to enable you have respite.

Next on your return trial out sourcing everything you can, the gardening, ironing, cleaning and some respite from your kids. Tell him he has to do all the laundry or all the cooking. Don’t step in to save the day, let things fall apart. Don’t step in if he fails to step up, stop cooking for him and washing his clothes. Your one day off a week can be for SEND related stuff and down time. Reclaim the day just for recuperation, also quiet time at the weekend. You and your DH need to have the same amount of down time, his needs do not top yours.

Your husband is showing very little care and respect for you

So obvious that a cleaner neds to be in this equation. If he needs the gym for his mental health, you need a cleaner for yours! You don't need his permission either. Did he ask you if it was OK for him to go to the gym? Factor in time for the cleaner to iron and even orep meals.

This man is taking the absolute piss;for the additional 5.5 hours a week he works he thinks he gets to do nothing domestically and only a tiny bit of parenting.

The OP may not work during school holidays but will be providing childcare for her SEN children during that time.Notice how OP is working school hours to accommodate her children yet her DH can work as he pleases?

His "well you don't have to work" attitude is shite as he'd rather OP give up her financial independence and access to a pension plan because he doesn't want to pull his weight.

The OP here is being taken advantage of;in this situation everything should be 50/50.

Whilst I agree a cleaner would be helpful for OP it's also giving her DH an excuse not to get off his arse.

He's being really selfish and acting as though he has no responsibility and the OP is essentially his bangmaid.

OP there's a facebook group called bridging the gap that would probably be of enormous benefit to you.

I work and have a child with severe SEND. I bet they don't sleep well either do they?

Just use your wages to buy the help in or just take from family money if joint account. Don't even ask. If he complains, draw up a rota and if he doesn't stick to it,ensure his laziness only impacts him, so no lunch made, no work clothes, let your children mess his stuff up if he leaves it lying about (if your son is like mine, it won't take long).

Now when my other half asks me where something is (which he will do) just say you haven't seen it. Then when he is frantically looking for things suggest a cleaner. 😁

Tell him he either steps up or you will get paid help in. His choice.

ZOMBIE!
Why did you dredge up a thread that's over a year old @Nantescalling ? Now people are wasting their time replying when the OP has not been on the thread since December 2023.

I would also look at a carer assessment with LA and having respite care added to the EHCP of your two children in specialist (think this is the care component, might be worth checking on IPSEA). This might give you some hours of respite a month. The LA did try to fob us off saying to buy it with DLA, but you are entitled to an assessment and to ask for respite in the C&F Act.

I would try to stay in some form of work if you can and use the money you earn for a PA or home help.

Apologies but these ancient posts just seem to get dredged up into my feed. They should be flagged - I'm just too enthousiastic to check the date!

ZOMBIE ALERT**

Yes, sorry, I can see how this happens. It's the "Similar Threads" feed, at the bottom of the page.

Start going out of the home a couple of nights
Your DHs turn to stay at home

Do a hobby

Go to a coffee shop & relax

Go out., park up & sleep

If something happened to you, he would have to manage

Stop being a martyr