To want to explode with resentment at my DH?

[Notsosleepingbeauty]

DH works 37.5 a week in a director role. I work 32 hours a week that’s term time only. We’ve got 3 kids (15, 14 and 11). Our 14 and 11 year old both have autism and adhd, both attend a specialist school. Youngest has no speech and is very physically aggressive with a lot of challenging behaviours. I’m starting to really resent the amount of stuff I’m having to do. I do all the childcare, I take care of the personal care for the kids with send, I do the appointments, medications, I’m attending a speech course for my youngest, I do the cleaning, ironing, bulk of cooking and washing up and walking our dogs.
Husband takes our eldest son football training once a week and to the game (he’s the coach), he takes our middle child to their hobby on a Sunday afternoon. But this week alone he’s been out 4 nights and has gone to the gym now having only cleaned half the bathroom I’d asked him to do.

I’m exhausted. I’m really struggling to balance work and I can’t drop hours there. I’ve got pains in my hands and feet and several mouth ulcers. I’m also far less patient with our youngest as I’m shattered. I’m not sleeping, I feel throughly miserable. I only rejoined the workforce in the last 5 years as the kids couldn’t attend nursery for large chunks of time. We’ve had this conversation so many times over the years, he’s happy for me to go off and do things but I have zero mental energy. Unless I’m walking the dog, I don’t leave the house. I’m starting to feel resentful as I feel like I’m a carer and he gets to be a parent. He’s not fussed if I work or not because it doesn’t really impact upon him as he doesn’t need to make any adjustments. I’m so tired having to ask him to do things and micromanage when I have to just get on and do. He doesn’t cope brilliantly with stress and says he has his hobbies for his mental health which is fine, but I resent that he doesn’t get more involved.

Part of me thinks fuck it, let him carry the financial burden (we’re fine for money) and just deal with all the caring responsibilities without the worry of balancing it with a busy job because in reality, long term I’ll end up carrying for one if not both my children. Youngest won’t be able to live in supported living as they have extremely high needs.

Tell him you'll work another seven hours a week and then you'll have to get :

A cleaner
A nanny
A gardener

Add that cost up.

And let him explain why he can't step up and do the above jobs.

Do you both own the house? Don't tell me it's a 'he didn't want me on the mortgage' type of situation

This absolutely needs to be your stance.

Do not give up your job.

Do not give up your job you will feel even more isolated. Your DH will also correspondingly take it as a sign he can do even less around the house.

Agree hire a cleaner as a first step.

'I’m meant to work four days a week but have to make up the hours on my day off'

😱😱😱

Does he do the same??

Thought not

So by working an additional 5.5 hours a week he gets to absolve himself of doing his fair share and gets to cherry pick the bits of parenting he fancies doing and leaves all the grunt work to you?

You may not work school holidays but you've had to work your hours to accommodate both of your children.

You provide a second income to your family so the responsibility isn't entirely on your husband's shoulders financially yet when it comes to the household and the kids he's happy for you to carry those responsibilities alone?

He says you can't have people in to help?;you know what;fuck him.

You've clearly communicated what you need but he ignores you and won't pick up his fair share.Hire a cleaner and at the weekends tell him he's entirely responsible for the kids on one of those days;go out of the house.If you have a relative with a spare room ask if you can use it for a few hours to get some rest.

The question is whether he loves his wife. Loving is caring.He sees her running herself absolutely ragged and doesn’t care. As long as his wants are met he doesn’t care about his wife’s needs

Worst case “I’m alright Jack” attitude with man thinking THEIR kids are HER job and hers only 🤷‍♀️

I have suggested to my DH but he’s not keen. We’re not wealthy but we do okay and definitely better than most. He isn’t keen to have people in.

Like pp said tough shit! Tell him you're sick of doing everything at home and with the kids, and you need to have time for yourself just like he does.

I've had two kids with SEN and they are hard work. You absolutely need respite from them.

Poor OP, you sound like you're close to a burnout if not already there. I don't suppose there's any medical help available? Over where I live (Germany), your GP could send you to spend a few weeks in a sanatorium, with a mother's helper coming in to do family chores. I rather suspect that's not an option for you, but speak to your GP nonetheless. Just a weekend away ascsuggested by a pp won't be enough for you to recharge. Aside from that, definitely outside help. And not just household- any chance of getting assistance with the kids?

Name is on the deeds and mortgage and I’ve got a small rainy day fund that I have should I ever need it. He’s not a bad guy but just blinkered. He’ll state he knows how challenging our kids are (the youngest will often attack me). But he ranks his needs highly and will make sure he does most of what he wants to do. I did say we should split the week in times of evenings off, but he just rides over that. I think this is possibly the lowest I’ve ever felt mentally. He sees me sitting on the sofa and assume it’s because I don’t want to do anything but at this point, I just feel all out.

I leave most stuff and we’re very basic. I haven’t done a deep clean in ages.

I don’t think it helps that his mum fawns over him and his brother. She used to run around after him and still does when we go and visit.

I do wonder if counselling for me would be a good idea. I grew up with an overbearing and difficult mother and if you said or did something she didn’t like or agree with she’d freeze you out and be unpleasant so I think I’m used to people pleasing.

I am really sorry, that sounds incredibly hard. I have 2 with SN. One with severe low functioning Asd and one HF with complex mental health issues. I only work 20h and I can barely cope (I cannot afford carers allowance otherwise I would do that).I couldn't cope with 32h. Do you have to work? If not, it really is a no brainer to leave work. It sounds completely non-sustainable.

I’m sorry you’re in the same situation. Our middle child along with asd and adhd has mental health issues so sees a counsellor. It’s relentless isn’t it.

Money wise no I don’t need to work thankfully for that I’m really lucky. I think I felt like I had to as the kids go to school. My DH has never pressured me to find a job or anything like that. I’m not a hugely social person generally and working remotely suits me as I don’t need the social aspect unlike my DH who does. I just need space I think. After a weekend dealing with my youngest (this morning was spent cleaning poo off the ceiling because I’d made the mistake of not hearing them go to the bathroom) by Monday it’s hard setting up for work.

I’m going to talk to my husband again about a cleaner. I think between us we both need to be more open. He doesn’t cope with stress brilliantly so his hobbies are an outlet for that but I resent having to pick up the stress when in reality he has a pretty normal life. He doesn’t ever need to be flexible around the kids.

We do have a social worker and are waiting on behavioural support. Kids get DLA which is spent on tutoring and mental health support for one and the other has therapy at home supervised by me.

I have toyed with the idea of stopping work though I do worry that should we divorce financially I would be stuffed. I don’t particularly enjoy the job I’m doing. A large part of my role is undertaking the implementation of a new system and I really dislike it but there’s no other jobs I can find that would fit and be term time only.

I wouldn’t give up work.

Give him the three options listed by @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius upthread. Or, you could do what I would do and just arrange the domestic support anyway.

He is not pulling his weight and sounds very selfish.

This! Absolutely this. Buy in help if you can afford it OP. Say it's your equivalent of his night out.

as Someone else said, your DH is looking after his mental health and rightly so but so should you! You say financially you are ok, buy in help to enable you to get a break. Do it for your kids, if you can’t justify it to yourself, if you get burnt out you won’t be able to parent properly long term.

I’m going to say this to him and let him decide because it isn’t going to be the Sen child who break up our marriage, it’s going to be him not pulling his weight.

"He's not keen"

Not surprised as it doesn't affect him, he doesn't benefit from it does he 🙄

Explain it in terms of he needs to go to the gym, you need a cleaner and xyz.

I read this on a thread a few years ago and it stuck with me, and every once in while I read a thread where I think it needs to be quoted. This is definitely one of those threads

*Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.*

This guy works 5.5 hours a week more than you and uses that as an excuse to basically do fuck all and have a very nice life that's entirely based on you working yourself into exhaustion. Then telling you you can't get a cleaner because he basically thinks you should do it all and has somehow ended up in a position as dictator of the household expenditure whilst contributing very little except money. He's abusing his marriage, abusing your goodwill, your trust, your love, and your relationship. He's 100% reliant on the fact that you are a good parent to skip out on being one himself. You deserve better. Your children deserve better.

@Neitheronethingnortheother

Absolutely spot on!!!

My DH is far from perfect but I could die/disappear and he would have been able to run the house and the DC. He moved from his parents to being with me at 22 but he was willing to learn, didn't come naturally but he is proud that he learnt to manage the "food" and the "laundry". My clean knickers magically appear, I get fed every night, the day to day house tidy and clean is done.

My life would be majorly impacted negatively if we split.

That's how it should be.

I have 4 kids
2 have a diagnosis of autism and 2 don't
1 also has learning disabilities
I haven't been able to work since I had them
My eldest was expelled from two specialist schools and ended up with tutors at home ,which I had to be there for
Youngest was school refusing his special school from age 7.
So both have tutors at home .
Money has been so tight with me not working, we have really struggled,and there's absolutely no help available,unless we could pay for it .
If your saying you can manage without the money u bring in ,then I'd say your crazy to keep going to work .or hire in help ,maybe going to work keeps you sane .I don't know but I do know how hard 2 is with autism,you must be utterly exhausted and probably feeling very resentful.

This is really helpful. Upsetting but helpful thank you. I’ve said to him a few times, he only works a few hours more than me yet I have so much more responsibility at home. I suspect he thinks because I’m only a lowly admin and he’s a director that he’s got more going on. He’s learning a lot of new things in his role but so am I. I’m doing things I’ve never done before. I’m the only one in the organisation now trained to do them.

He thinks because I might want to sit around and watch TV or read a book in peace that I can just mind the kids whilst he goes out. I’m happy to accommodate him for some stuff but I'm again at the point where I’m starting to feel resentful. The other week, I didn’t have time to walk our dogs during the day (our youngest leaves the house at 8.50 and is home at 3.30 via taxi so my working day is very short) and instead of walking the dogs he went to the gym. There’s not much I can stop doing for him as I don’t cook for him now and anything I did stop would affect the kids. I don’t think he sees himself as selfish. He just maintains he needs his hobbies to destress. But doesn’t appreciate that his distressing plonks more stress onto me. He cleaned half the en-suite today and has left the shower tray as he forgot (because in all the years we’ve been together he’s cleaned the bathroom a handful of times) and went to the gym.

Don’t give up work.

a husband that is this checked out from household responsibilities is a mark against marriage survival. Add in special needs children and statistically you increase the odds of divorce. It’s not personal, it’s just the reality. You aren’t working as partners in this marriage and you have more stress than many couples.

he needs to be more engaged with the children’s care and the household responsibility. Marriage counseling would probably be a good idea eventually, but right now, it sounds like adding anything to your list is just going to break you.

I wouldn’t ask about hiring a cleaner, getting groceries delivered, getting meals made by someone else, hiring someone to drive the kids around, or anything else you can outsource . If you don’t need your salary as a family, then your salary can go towards making your life easier.

You poor poor woman. You know what I would do honestly? I’d get signed off work with stress for 2-3 weeks and I would simply go to bed. I would do essential care for the children only and leave every thing else. I’d get my knitting and Netflix on the lapper and just chill. I’d have baths, meditate and just allow myself to rest.

In other words I would let everything go to shit (except the absolutely necessary things for the kids - basic food, clean uniforms, emotional and physical wellbeing).

You’re going to have to deal with some real mess in your home and probably some tough conversations. BUT he might start to realise how much you’re doing and muck in. He might also be more accepting of conversations about help.

I think sometimes we need to allow things to go completely wrong. We’re so good at picking up the pieces but it cannot happen indefinitely and at this much cost to yourself.

When you’re speaking to him about workload, I would make it completely clear that this is 10/10 importance and you’re considering divorce as an option. and defo use that word.

Could you hire a student of social care/ nursing to help out owith your youngest dc as that sounds totally exhausting.
Just hire a cleaner. Don't discuss it with your dh just tell him it's done. No discussion..full stop!
If you work 4 days and have one morning free when dc are in school DO NO WORK. Read your book/ have a bath/ go back to bed and watch a movie. Fill your own tank. This is like medicine for you to keep you alive so not a luxury.
I could not do the schedule you are doing . It is absolutely normal to feel that.

"He ranks his needs highly and will make sure he does most of what he wants to do" - the death knell of many a relationship, it certainly resonated with me re my ExH.

Whats the answer? I don't know. When I could summon the energy and the chutzpah, I used to act the same. This was met with bemusement, then sulky passive agression, then outright agression. Or I called it out in plain terms. This was met with the same. Or I tried to be 'the better person', the adult in the room, and act as if I was in an equal relationship. This was of course ignored, and just enabled him to carry on living his best life. Any compromise at all he made was harped on endlessly, and he told me I was ungrateful if I didn't acknowledge it seventy billion times a day. So I don't know.

I'd like to say I walked away head held high but I didnt, he rejected me in stages til i was a dried up husk of my former bright confident self. Don't be me OP, it took me years to put myself back together.