To want to explode with resentment at my DH?

[Notsosleepingbeauty]

DH works 37.5 a week in a director role. I work 32 hours a week that’s term time only. We’ve got 3 kids (15, 14 and 11). Our 14 and 11 year old both have autism and adhd, both attend a specialist school. Youngest has no speech and is very physically aggressive with a lot of challenging behaviours. I’m starting to really resent the amount of stuff I’m having to do. I do all the childcare, I take care of the personal care for the kids with send, I do the appointments, medications, I’m attending a speech course for my youngest, I do the cleaning, ironing, bulk of cooking and washing up and walking our dogs.
Husband takes our eldest son football training once a week and to the game (he’s the coach), he takes our middle child to their hobby on a Sunday afternoon. But this week alone he’s been out 4 nights and has gone to the gym now having only cleaned half the bathroom I’d asked him to do.

I’m exhausted. I’m really struggling to balance work and I can’t drop hours there. I’ve got pains in my hands and feet and several mouth ulcers. I’m also far less patient with our youngest as I’m shattered. I’m not sleeping, I feel throughly miserable. I only rejoined the workforce in the last 5 years as the kids couldn’t attend nursery for large chunks of time. We’ve had this conversation so many times over the years, he’s happy for me to go off and do things but I have zero mental energy. Unless I’m walking the dog, I don’t leave the house. I’m starting to feel resentful as I feel like I’m a carer and he gets to be a parent. He’s not fussed if I work or not because it doesn’t really impact upon him as he doesn’t need to make any adjustments. I’m so tired having to ask him to do things and micromanage when I have to just get on and do. He doesn’t cope brilliantly with stress and says he has his hobbies for his mental health which is fine, but I resent that he doesn’t get more involved.

Part of me thinks fuck it, let him carry the financial burden (we’re fine for money) and just deal with all the caring responsibilities without the worry of balancing it with a busy job because in reality, long term I’ll end up carrying for one if not both my children. Youngest won’t be able to live in supported living as they have extremely high needs.

OP,you deserve a medal and your „D”H swift kick up his arse.

He WANTS more affection,you NEED a break from parenting ASD child.

Why his wants trump your needs?

Been there,got the t-shirt(also have severely autistic child)

I walked away (with kids) after I crashed mentally and physically. 3 months off sick,still getting my health in order a year after I walked away. This is after years of asking for help while doing absolutely everything.
He didn’t listen,he didn’t want to.Years of broken sleep with me getting up with kids all the time. He didn’t let me nap for 15 minutes in the car.
I remember I asked him once if he knew what a burn out was. He looked away and said „no”. He didn’t care.

Whatever I did was not enough. I wasn’t good enough. Not enough attention given to a fucking man child who was moaning about not getting enough affection/attention/sex. He didn’t want to acknowledge that I was run ragged with doing everything.

I remember in first lockdown telling him that I needed a break- he was furloughed and I wasn’t so I was either working or looking after kids for 5 months. He shouted at me whether I wanted to give my ASD son for adoption seeing as I „wanted” a break. Nevermind being up in the night,going to work then spending the rest of days with stimming child.All this while juggling housekeeping,cooking and shopping.

You’re not unreasonable. He is and he knows it.He turns it around so it makes you feel like you are the one too demanding of him- how dare you ask him to do his share of parenting or housekeeping.

Happy to PM if you want.

Just noticed I already commented on this thread. Exactly 3 days before I crashed and walked away.

Please don’t be me.I put up with his shitty attitude,behaviour and excuses for far too long.

@maclen, no I don’t think he has anyone else. Unless you class his hobbies and his phone.

@PocketSand, our middle dc sounds like your son. We’re having to look at work experience at the moment for them and they’re refusing to go without either me or their dad. I think they will struggle with work a lot. I’m trying to persuade them to attend the local youth club for ND people but even that is a battle.

Youngest is profoundly autistic. Will 100% never be able to work. Thankfully at school until they’re 19 but after that god knows. We touched on post-19 and what happens then and apparently kids usually go to a variety of different day things which at this stage, youngest dc would not cope with. They just about manage school. DH is the highest earner and to be honest he doesn’t have the patience to stay at home. He’d be utter awful. I think really I need to take a leaf out of his book and put myself first a lot more but it’s hard when he won’t shoulder any of the mundane stuff. I’ve tried talking to him about helping organise work experience but I know nothing will happen.

I find work a bit of a mix. It’s much nicer than my caring responsibilities but it’s another set of demands. I’ve ended up in a job that’s probably a bit beyond my skill set and to be honest I want a job, not a career. I just want something to make me feel a bit useful.

The affection comment is probably what bothers me most. That he cannot understand that the mental and emotional side of the kids and caring is exhausting and how when he’s not contributing as much as could be that it doesn’t make me want to be affectionate. He’ll also say I don’t value his contribution, which I do but I need more. He’ll constantly talk about being a team and “we” but in reality I need him to take stuff off my plate.