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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband didn’t get the train.

168 replies

Overcome2023 · 09/12/2023 23:59

After much deliberation DH decided he would go out tonight with people he does a hobby with.

I dropped him off and he was catching the last train home. I stayed at home
with our two children and another from
his previous marriage.

An hour had passed since he should have been home. I rang and rang until eventually he picked up, he has missed the train and wants to know whether he should get a taxi or stay over with friends. Am I unreasonable to think this is disrespectful and totally selfish?

I’m on a really short fuse after a difficult year. I was also previously engaged to a binge drinker and him going missing was what caused our relationship to end so I might be I’m overreacting but I just think this is totally out of order, am I right?

OP posts:
Throwaway1234567890000000 · 10/12/2023 08:06

Equally, it may be that YOUR behaviour (ringing incessantly etc) is what’s tipped HIM over the edge too. Maybe you’re just both unhappy in this marriage.

My husband used to binge drink with his work mates when we met. I saw him out once and I can say hand on heart he wasn’t even recognisable to the person I knew. It was really early days and I wasn’t bothered one way or another other than to know at that point it didn’t have a future. The next day he said he was never going out like that again, I laughed and said that’s ridiculous and to this day he hasn’t wanted to 🙈🤣. But it was his choice, not mine projected onto him. So whether he’s drunk, sober or in the middle that choice doesn’t change because it was his to begin with. Like some people smoke when they’re drunk even though soberly they never would or would never want to - but drunken them thinks it’s a great idea. Again, not something I would ever do because I have never smoked or been interested in it, so my drunken brain never thinks it’s a great idea.

It sounds as though your husband has to make his choices around what you are able to cope with due to past trauma and the problem with that is that it’s easy (ish) to do this sober, but when you’re drunk your true self tends to come out and he maybe just wanted a little bit of a hair down night without clock and phone watching. Soberly he would think ‘ah but his will
upset my wife’ but drunkenly he just hasn’t. That’s not him not caring, it’s him
being drunk.

With the taxi driver (depending on what you actually mean by manhandled but I am picturing you out there indignant and butting in when again he’s an adult and capable of dealing with a fare dispute himself, and him just having had enough tonight of being treated like a child…) why did you not just stay in the house? He’s a grown man and unless he asked you to give him a card or some cash, why did you even get involved? You just sound like you are really controlling and hard work, but that you also don’t realise it and rather than blaming him for everything perhaps it’s worth considering how many decisions over the years have been made with you (due to past issues or current issues etc) in mind.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 10/12/2023 08:09

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:02

Pissing it up with his mates and too drunk to care. We’ve been married for nearly 10 years and he’s never done this to be fair because he knows how I feel about it, I don’t think he’s bothered anymore.

My DH can lose track of time messing about in the garage, so out chatting with his mates he almost 100% would. He'd be pretty good about trying to make sure he made it to a train because he hates paying for taxis (99% of the time one or neither of us is bothered about drinking so we drive ourselves). So I wouldn't call it disrespectful if he's lost track of time, then missed a train. These days it easily could get cancelled anyway, then what?

Leave behind the problems from your previous relationship. He's done this once in 10 years of marriage, it doesn't make him not bothered about your feelings.

BMWM340 · 10/12/2023 08:19

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:02

Pissing it up with his mates and too drunk to care. We’ve been married for nearly 10 years and he’s never done this to be fair because he knows how I feel about it, I don’t think he’s bothered anymore.

You need to get a grip, you sound overbearing and controlling.
Guy goes out and has fun, first time in 10 years misses the train, big deal!

BMWM340 · 10/12/2023 08:31

Also, I highly doubt he hasn't laid the taxi driver. The taxi driver wouldn't have left without payment, wouldve called the police / stayed there / knocked on the door.

Perhaps the taxi driver took advantage of DP being drunk and tried his luck to get another payment.

Your DP can easily prove he's paid by checking online banking.

I feel for your DP really, I wouldn't be surprised if he's had enough. Ringing him 'loads of times' an hour after he was due to be home?

Stop suffocating him. Not surprised he wanted to let his hair down!

Savoury · 10/12/2023 08:32

OP I’ve a colleague whose wife is like the you and it’s exhausting. He can’t risk staying for the whole team event or having more than one drink because otherwise he’s nothing but a cheating drunk in the eyes of his wife.
I’d talk to someone about your controlling tendencies as I’d say we’ve heard the least of it here.

pictoosh · 10/12/2023 08:40

There is a certain amount of 'mothering' in your attitude and actions towards him.
If my dh carried on like this when I stay out later than intended, I'd tell him to fuck off and leave me alone. I'd be angry.
Thankfully he understands that I am an adult and will get home by myself when I'm ready.

It really isn't on to hold your previous relationship as a yardstick to beat him with. Very manipulative actually, particularly after ten years together.
I'd tell you to shove that as well.

I'm just being honest with you.

IClaudine · 10/12/2023 08:43

Oh, give the OP a break. Her DH did something that has stirred up some old anxieties for her and she was upset. Now some posters have decided she is a control freak etc.

Hope you are OK OP and your DH is kinder to you today than he was yesterday.Flowers

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 08:44

Maybe i am controlling, I don’t think i am though. DH gets loads of time out, far more that I do, he’s away a lot doing his hobby, probably at least one overnight a month plus two training sessions each week, this I generally encourage because I know it’s good for him mentally and physically. Going out and getting too much to drink and not coming home when I’m there with his three children is a red line for me. Is it controlling that I encouraged him to go and drove 40 miles round trip to drop him off?

I did intervene with the taxi driver because I wanted the bloke to get paid. DH is poor with money and I suspected he hadn’t enough to pay but those who’ve said I should have kept out of it are right.

OP posts:
gannett · 10/12/2023 08:48

I wouldn't put up with my partner clock-watching my nights out. They very frequently go later than intended which is perfectly normal. When DP or I go for a big night out there aren't usually specific expectations of when we'll come back. I've missed the last tube many, many times!

Bit weird that he called the OP to ask her what to do. Surely he can decide whether to get a cab or crash at a mate's place by himself.

His behaviour re: the taxi driver doesn't sound great at all.

IClaudine · 10/12/2023 08:50

His behaviour re: manhandling OP doesn't sound great either.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 10/12/2023 08:52

Once in 10 years and you are getting so stuck up about it. Either he gets a cab home or crashes at a friends. You go to sleep. Whats the big deal?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 10/12/2023 08:55

I'm wondering if in 10 years the guys not been on a night out with his hobby mates that on this rare occasion they celebrated and thought 'right, let's make sure Mike has a great night, and in the daft way increasingly drunken people do that=DRINK!!?
What did the taxi driver do as he was man handling you? Am suprised as per pp that this coupled with the non payment that he didn't call the police!

crumblingschools · 10/12/2023 08:55

@Overcome2023 maybe you should have posted this in step parenting, you would have got more sympathy for the fact that you seem to get left with DSC

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 08:59

Thanks @crumblingschools i wouldn’t have done though I’d have been told I knew what I was getting into etc… not DSCs fault to be honest, they’re fine, but I am frequently left to look after them which has caused some resentment. It’s the expectation I’ll just do it rather than actually doing it if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 09:01

@WhereIsBebèsChambre its not that he hasn’t been out in 10 years, he just normally come back when he says he will. It’s probably not such a big deal in the cold light of day but it did annoy and upset me last night. I think posting on here probably did help get it in perspective but I am thankful some people supported me and understood where I was coming from.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 10/12/2023 09:01

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 01:34

For anyone that wants to know he is now home, he’s not paid the taxi driver and manhandled me into the house when I tried to do so. I’m going to try to let it go but I’m fuming.

Yes, he's drunk. Not an unusual occurrence in the Christmas party season.

Oblomov23 · 10/12/2023 09:02

Work on your anxiety. He's never done anything like this before. Get a cab. Take a step back and realise how incredibly petty this is, as a one off.

bonzaitree · 10/12/2023 09:05

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 08:44

Maybe i am controlling, I don’t think i am though. DH gets loads of time out, far more that I do, he’s away a lot doing his hobby, probably at least one overnight a month plus two training sessions each week, this I generally encourage because I know it’s good for him mentally and physically. Going out and getting too much to drink and not coming home when I’m there with his three children is a red line for me. Is it controlling that I encouraged him to go and drove 40 miles round trip to drop him off?

I did intervene with the taxi driver because I wanted the bloke to get paid. DH is poor with money and I suspected he hadn’t enough to pay but those who’ve said I should have kept out of it are right.

I wouldn’t say one overnight every 2 months and training 2x per week is a lot…

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 09:06

@bonzaitree its quite a bit in here with two full time jobs and three young kids.

OP posts:
JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 10/12/2023 09:09

Oh god it is easily done!

He's not expecting you to come and get him. He can get a bus or a taxi or a combination and still be around in the morning for the kids. He will just be a bit later home than planned.

If he's not doing this all the time then it really isn't a big deal.

It can be tricky if you are stuck with train times, it feels shit to be the first person to leave when the party is still in full swing and you are enjoying yourself. I have done it myself, checked the time, thought time for one more, then checked again and been too late for the train. I normally end up taking two buses and being colder and later in bed as a consequence.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/12/2023 09:13

ACynicalDad · 10/12/2023 00:11

It’s an awful way to behave but I’d tell him to get a taxi home to end any fun and make him responsible for kids breakfasts.

Yes that's what I'd do.

margotrose · 10/12/2023 09:15

I'm another that thinks you've overreacted though I do totally understand being pissed off and worried in the middle of the night. Things always seem worse then!

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/12/2023 09:15

BalloonSalesperson · 10/12/2023 00:52

I know it’s hard but aren’t we supposed to be there for one another? I know I have been for him

Yeah but it's also ok to have a night off once every 10 years.

Read the thread. He has plenty of time off.

crumblingschools · 10/12/2023 09:17

Is he doing his fair share of parenting this morning?

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 09:17

I will continue to control him by taking the kids out today so he can stay in bed with his hangover.

OP posts: